• Member Since 9th Oct, 2017
  • offline last seen June 28th

Nailah


Hello, my name is Alicia and I wasn't always a fan of mlp, but now I'm like obessed with it. Support me on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/Nailah

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Princess Cadance desperately enlists Zecora's help when Flurry Heart is unable to fall asleep, and Shining Armor is too busy with crystal duties to be of much help. Turns out Cadance may just be falling as well. But will her marriage be able to withstand such a thing?





Note: This is an entry for "Crackships for Christmas contest." hosted by Spark.
Feedback very appreciated, as this is my first contest entry.

Edited by anon26182 <3

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 12 )

You really need an editor, or at least you should pay more attention to tense shifts, run-on sentences, and "said" tags.

Here's an example. Your sentence—

Princess Cadence entered the room her eyelids looked half shut as she yawned solemnly as she looked towards Shining whom handed Flurry to her, quickly kissed her and then was off to head to Canterlot.

...and here's how it should go:

Princess Cadence entered the room. Her eyelids looked half-shut as she yawned solemnly. She looked at Shining Armor, who handed Flurry to her, quickly kissed his wife and then he headed off to Canterlot.

I broke up the run-on sentence and clarified whom he kissed. This is a pattern I see in your writing, so besides an editor, I suggest simply reading more and practicing your techniques.

Finally, make use of a grammar checker such as Grammarly. It's free and has helped my writing tremendously.

Not bad grammar.

8594590
Anyone you'd might recommend?

8596635
Yes I know I'm not strong when it comes to grammar any suggestions on how to fix those issues?

8596641

"Shh...I'm with you sweetheart." she whispered

Sentences like this one, that end with the speaker having said something, should have a comma before the quotation mark if it could end with a period.

This is how i would fix it.

"Shh...I'm with you sweetheart," she whispered

8596641
I'd suggest for an editor anon26182

There are a lot of spaces I suggest that you delete some of these spaces

8727957
Fixed. Thanks for pointing that out.

8727982
Did you enjoy the story though?

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