• Member Since 6th Nov, 2016
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Allykitty


Just a quirky Kitty in a wide world of possibilities. SciSet, ShyLight, ShySet and AppleDash shipper. Message me if you want, I don't bite >^.^<

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Following the events of the Friendship Games, Sunset's homesickness wins out and she returns to Equestria. Though forgiven by Twilight and pardoned by Celestia, she still faces some resentment from the citizens of Equestria.

But one pony believes that everypony deserves a second chance. Even if she denies it.

Continuity: Equestria 616

Written for the Sunset Shipping Contest.

Popular Stories 8-13-17

Chapters (11)
Comments ( 10 )

I read the follow up to this before I saw this. Opps. At least it looks good so far, lol.

Time in the Empire being stalked by the POL. Good luck Sunset, Cadence will see through your every thought. Hahahaha.

and though I had been back three months now I couldn't teleport very far yet. I was so far out of practice with Equestrian magic that I was almost starting out from scratch again.

Uh...when Sunset swiped Sparkle's Element of Magic, the orange unicorn was able to teleport just fine, despite being trapped in the completely-magic-free human world for "30 moons" (full moon to full moon is roughly 27.3 days, so 27.3*30 = 819 days; 819/365 = 2.2438 years).
So...teleportation should be fine; bigger spells should be avoided, though.

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She was also able to levitate items just fine and run on four hooves like no time had passed. Then, not even a year later she tried to pick up a book with her hooves after attempting to walk upright.

Also, she teleported little more than a pony length. The castle and the markets are a wee bit farther apart than that.

But, this is just headcanon and not concrete law. I'm just a storyteller.

The race was long enough to challenge all, even those that weren't in the best of shape.

?

Sunset is characterized really well here, and I think the plot is rather interesting—Sunset returns to Equestria not to open arms, but as a known former enemy of the state, pardoned and innocent but not forgiven by the general public. A pony Chelsea Manning, in a way.

Yet, in both tackling that plot and as a shipfic, I think the story falls flat.

It's a nebulous thing to say, but I don't feel any chemistry from Sunset and Fluttershy. They don't even interact that much, and when they do, I don't feel any sort of deeper connection—they seem like friends, if not just acquaintances. I don't understand what the basis of their relationship is. What do they have in common? What are the idiosyncrasies of their relationships, of their interactions? I suppose Fluttershy was nice to Sunset and forgave her, but hasn't everyone? There's a moment where Fluttershy says "Even though you never did anything to me, I forgive you", and it's meant to be a big turning point in Sunset's character arc, and while it's a nice sentiment, does it really mean that much? What right does pony!Fluttershy have to forgive Sunset on human!Fluttershy's behalf?

In "Lunchtime, September 3", you skip most of Sunset and Fluttershy's lunchtime conversation. That would have been such a good time to give them a natural, low stakes conversation that would help build their chemistry. Especially considering how happy the snippets we got made it out to be.

When it comes to the plot, you also skimp on a lot of moments that could really help build up Sunset's character arc and conflict. Consider "Lunch, September 13", when you describe Sunset going to the market and hearing whispers. Instead of recounting this scene after the fact, why not show us this scene, show us the panic and distress and anger as Sunset realizes what's going on? You also mention that Sunset can hear "some of the same whispered voices" that she heard back in the human world. That's clever as hell! Build on that, Sunset needing to deal with ponies that look and sound like her classmates thinking she's a terrorist.

Later on, you also mention a scene where Sunset gets pelted with tomatoes. While I'm not totally sold on the idea—Sunset getting rotten tomatoes thrown at her is pretty over-the-top, even comedic—again, I'd rather see this scene than just have it mentioned after the fact.

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I get where you’re coming from. I won’t excuse myself for the sloppy writing, but I do have editing waves coming and I’ll take you’ suggestions into account.

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