A man, who is dressed as a near likeness of Baron Humbert von Gikkingen from 'Whisper of The Heart' & 'The Cat Returns', is somehow taken from where he previously was (A Comic and Costume convention in England) and is sent to Equestria where he gains friendship and possibly love with a certain Pony.
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i am loving the story i look forward to reading more
8337095
Thanks, it's just an idea that's been rattling around in my head for a while.
I do plan on doing more different stories about people who end up displaced and out in a similar world to the FIM series with a certain ability, power or unique trait that will help them in that world.
You can probably guess what kind of things like that though from the first chapter if you catch my drift.
One idea though is to have one of the stories take place in the Equestria Girls Universe/Dimension.
So far, it's looking pretty good, but I have to admit I don't really like that Rainbow attacks him as soon as he enters Ponyville. It does make sense that she would be wary at first, but I don't think that she would jump straight to attacking him. Also, there are multiple sapient species in Equestria, so I don't feel that it would be incredibly surprising that a creature wearing clothes would be intelligent. That said, I'm not a writer, so I'm not the best judge.
A couple tips I have for you:
1. I'd recommend writing in past tense instead of present tense.
2. I wouldn't use colored text to denote different characters, as it can be immersion breaking.
3. I'd go under the "Looking for Editors" group and find a proofreader to help you iron out whatever you miss as you write your story.
8337141
no problem maybe we could do a cross over if your up to it
8337404
I'll think about it, maybe when I have a good enough amount of chapters and plot set up for this story.
What would the crossover be like if you don't mind me asking?
8337407
well my story is about a Zoroark so maybe along the lines of why there is a second him or a 5'4 bipedal black fox at fluttershies house then again we could just do a bunch of non cannon chapters just for fun
good story so far, but kind of hope he was going to be curse with that living statue thing ie during day he statue and at night he move about
8338873
Wait a while, I may add that detail in at some point in a future chapter.
8338913
now I have to go and watch the movie the Baron is from....
8338958
Preferably you should watch both films, Whisper of the Heart first and then The Cat Returns.
But I am glad I am getting people interested in the movie and characters.
Baron is one of my most favourite characters in the Ghibli universe of stories.
Any story that features Baron Humbert von Gikkingen has my vote.
8389664
Glad to see someone else is a fan of The Baron.
can't wait for the next chapter
8536039
Will try and work on the next chapter soon.
well i apprectaed the great timeing of the chapter release as today is my birsthday
8578244
Then I wish you a Happy Birthday, may you have a Pinkeriffic Party
8578296
thanks dude
Though i'm not familiar with the character this displaced has become, I still find this a very interesting and fantastic story, and I look forward to reading more.
Interesting story I want more!
Hmmm...
You drive a really hard bargain my friend,
on one side this story has everything I adore :D, a civilized protagonist with a mild temper, intelligent, well read and able to adapt to his situation. And the style of your writing is very rich with details most authors forget entirely to immplement. On the other side your character is a bit easy accepting of the ponies he was previously ignorant of and the ending of your chapter was a little improvised, because seriously fainting like that? Ask yourself when was the last time you fainted from head trauma? It is extremely rare... It can happen but the difference in force for nothing to happen, loosing consciousness and dieing are only a few newton. Keep going! Your story is of an astounding quality and entertaining and I was looking forward to Rarity meeting a noble gentlecat charming her like in the MLP Movie but without going behind her back and betraying the mane six just to come around after realising his douchebaggery... And he dresses far too well to fall that deep...
hoping for a continuation
sincerly
J
8725773
Thank you very much, this is one of the few we’ll received and thoughtful reviews I have had in some time.
I will say that my OC is a person who tries and always attempts to have a rather calm outlook on the outside when interacting with anything or anyone/anypony but he will have a deeply hidden side of him that is going batshit insane with fear, and other emotions mixed in there from his rather jarring experience but he is also open minded in many things.
But the cat like body and instincts that come along with his recent transformation and change of body and part of his mind has somewhat hampered his usual stoic manners and emotions since his cat like side has a some effect on it as well, as I have shown with his feelings of panic and fright which are heightened in certain circumstances like things jumping in front of him or appearing suddenly without warning i.e. Pinkie Pie’s spontaneity.
Also the head trauma was just an idea that literally sprung up in my mind from no where and I just had a gut feeling to write it down and my writing instincts are usually spot on or have worked well.
IT LIVES ONCE MORE
I can't help but read that line in Goofy's voice.
Whisper of The Heart & The Cat Returns are manga, right?
8913246
Haha, yes it does.
8913441
No they are Anime Movies.
The Cat Returns is a Manga though, here it is: http://m.fanfox.net/manga/baron_the_cat_returns#
I am happy that you decided to write a displaced story using the baron from the cat return it one of my favorites
Celsita and baron playing chess yes? Also very detailed chapter please sir can I have some more.
The Baron vs diamond dogs
8916070
That would be interesting, but first I need to make sure My version can actually fight well.
Nice little story that I look forward to seeing more of
. If you're willing to hear a bit of constructive criticism, though, I do notice a few things you may want to address in later chapters.
1) setting titles Ex.
You tend to use them a bit too frequently. You only really need them to address extreme changes in time, location, and POV. Time would be covered by lengths equaling jumps to months or years later or covering flashbacks (as you have used on occasion), Need for location would be between location well beyond walking distance, and POV only for if you are actually changing from one view to another. Most of the uses I've seen here could be covered with a descriptive statement or two, such as 'Afterward, the friends made their way back to X.' or something along those lines.
2) Paragraph breaks in dialogue from single characters. I will say, you did very well in this compared to other first time writers, and more than a few veterans, in that you knew to follow basic paragraph break rules in long monologues and description. The problem is in punctuation.
When breaking up a single dialogue in paragraphs, you leave off the closing quote of the previous paragraph to show the next paragraph is a continuation. Like so
Otherwise, two closed paragraphs indicate back to back dialogue between two characters.
.
For the longest time, I used to think those were typos when I saw them in books
3) character consistency. Firstly, I'll admit this may be a bit more subjective than the other two as I may have missed something. This point refers back to the altercation between MC and Rainbow Dash. It was played very true to the character of Baron Humbert
. Maybe not so much for your displaced
. In the movie, the Baron was always one for non-violent solutions. Yes, he displayed skills that hinted at his being an expert duelist and magic user, but he typically preferred to use wits, misdirection, even resorting to his cane in a straight fight. Even if permanent solutions may have been easier or less danger to himself. Most likely, he would never have considered picking up a weapon at the merchant stall. Someone who did choose a weapon for self-defense and found themselves in an alien world likely would have been quick to use, or at the very least threaten to use, their tool when found in a situation where someone made the first attack with clear intent to harm. Not saying that would have made said character trigger happy or this action unreasonable. It just strikes me that the reaction shown here(ignoring their injury as they got up and calmly letting RD work out the details) would have been more fitting to the actual Baron Humbert or at least someone that had foreknowledge of Equestria and its denizens' likely reactions. This point probably isn't all that urgent as we are several chapters from that event, but it may be something to watch for in later encounters.
Hope that didn't come off as too preachy
. Still enjoying the story and looking forward to more
.
8921178
No it’s fine, I find your comments and criticisms very welcome in fact.
Of course there is always teething problems when I do a new story, I have a collection of stories on Fanfiction, about 10, that I have written and still do write and update on occasion when I get inspiration or my writers block stops stymying me and lets me continue with a new chapter or story.
I sometimes have troubles with spelling and grammar, everyone does, along with sentence structure and where to place certain words or how they would sound or look.
So your comments and criticisms about the punctuation is welcome, glad you look forward to more chapters.
I’m loving this fic so far!! I can’t wait for more!! Plz update and finish soon!
MOAR I SAY MOAR!!!!
9485708
late thank you
That bag should be yellow with black x marks on it, for it is Felix the Cat's Bag of Tricks.
9499677
You know, your right; I guess I must have had gotten the idea from somewhere but could not remember where.
Thanks; still gonna keep it looking as it is cause I like it like that.
I have a feeling rarity is going to be quite the fan of baron
aaaaannnnddd........ its dead
9641616
The story is not dead.
I just have a lot of focus in finishing the chapter for the second part of my Disney React story but it is very long and hard to do.
9642145
glad to hear it still lives
9642145
ah so it's in a coma
(presumed dead till summer confirmed dead after winter if no update)
I am just waiting to see if Blueblood will push him to gun point, and I am curious on what part of season one/two you are
well, I hope there come's more chapters as this story is quite interesting. do love some of these types of stories.
If you like The Cat Returns, try A Whisker Away.
11171289
I might check it out.
More
will this be continued? it soo good!