- Member Since 8th May, 2015
- offline last seen Apr 9th, 2020
Oldtakufanboy
Original username Zoddtheimmortalone. I'm a fan of anime, but I enjoy the classics more. As for My Little Pony, I may not watch it as much, but I do like the show and I also love EG
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Great start.
Oh my god you didn't, you absolute madman. You did NOT call him Cra-
Oh. Dang. Still looking forward to more!
this story has alot of potental
Fun Fact!
Cadence's full name: Mi Amore Cadenza is Italian, and it translates to "I Love Cadence". Throw her title in there, "Princess Mi Amore Cadenza", you get two possible outcomes.
1: Princess I Love Cadence
2: I Love Princess Cadence
Bonus: "Mi amore" translates to "my love".
We get it, Hazbro, Cadence is a lovely pony!!!
(When using 'princess' in title with someone's name, "Princess Celestia" for example, you should usually capitalise the word.)
need more from this
OK, after having read as much as I could manage, there's a couple pieces of advice I would like to offer.
A few things about paragraphs. There is no absolute rule, but there are a few things to think about. The longer they are, the more of a chore they become to read, and it gets to feeling like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall. A good size would be 6-7 sentences long depending on your writing platform.
Your main character is an absolutely whiney cunt. Like, the kind of cowardly that makes someone question the existence of his very manhood. There is way more detail about that singular aspect of him necessary, and I couldn't help but laugh at his surname of 'Grovel'
When I saw this story I thought to myself; "Oohhh, goodie!", because I hadn't seen a Human X Flurry Heart story like this before (that's not to say thy don't exist, I'm just not aware of any), and when I actually started reading, my elation turned into a case of "good story, solid potential, poorly executed".
On a side note, pardon me if I seem rude, it's 2am and I'm extremely stoned.
PS: You still get my upvote because I still like the idea and the absolutely gorgeous cover art
7885425
Thanks for the advice and I'm glad you like it
7886013
There are now, but glad you like it
7886263
Don't feel bad. It's not your fault.
Tracking, I hope that "sexy things" won't be rushed and/or routine like in every clopfic. Make it fun and special.
7886350
I'll see. Don't get your hopes up.
Hopefully he can have a conflict build his character in later chapters, otherwise good start
No sequel *pout*......just kiding its perfect it dosen't need a sequel.
Eh it was an ok fluff piece
good job
7926727 that proposal was rushed but still good none the less
Great idea, poor execution.
I couldn't help but CinemaSins the whole story.
The clop section was too short and uninspired.
Work on improving your writing. Read some of the stories by the greats on this site and learn from what they do.
7964394
Cinema sin away. I love cinema sins
7964841 Sorry I'm a bit late, but here it goes:
Everything Wrong With
Happy Birthday Flurry
In a whole lot of lines or less.
Spoilers
(duh)
Two full paragraphs of exposition right at the start. *ding*
'Ugly/foreign baby hidden away by their adoptive parent' cliche. *ding*
'Last surviving member of an otherwise extinct species' cliche. *ding*
'Being bullied (to the point of death) because your different' cliche. Not saying that doesn't happen here in real life, but it is a cliche. *ding*
So wait, the princess rushes in and saves the protagonist in distress? That's awesome! Minus one sin. *gnid*
And plus one sin for the protagonist thinking that he was rescued by an angel. Admittedly, a pure white alicorn would look something like an angel, but it's still a cliche. *ding*
Protagonist doesn't recognize the alicorn that saved him as the princess, even though there aren't any other alicorns that age, and she is certainly something of a local celebrity. *ding*
Decade+ time skip. *ding*
In any other story, I would remove sins for referencing Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame, but in this it just feels like the story is trying too hard to hammer home the point that the protagonist is viewed as an ugly outcast. *ding*
'Husband gets lost in the mountains' cliche. *ding*
So, apparently the sun can say "hello" just like everyone else in town. I call bullsh*t. *ding*
'Favoritism towards royals' cliche. *ding*
And 'spending everything I have for a piece of jewelry to declare my love' cliche. Dang, there has to be a shorter way to put that. *ding*
Thirty bits is expensive for jewelry. Remember that, because it's going to be important later.
So, this guy sells the protagonist some expensive jewelry, then throws it in a paper sack? Good grief, does he not have any velvet boxes, or even a sturdy paper box? No? Okay. *ding*
So the protagonist says that thirty bits is expensive for jewelry, but then casually hands over two bits for a cup of cider. To put that in US Dollar terms, a soft drink at McDonald's is 1$. Assuming that this cider is better than that, I could see selling a cup for 4$. That makes the necklace he bought worth ~60$. As anyone who has bought jewelry can tell you, 60$ is not expensive. Something must be very wrong with their currency model. *ding*
As opposed to the human named Steve? I mean, he is the only known human in existence. You would think that the ponies would at least know that. *ding*
Blatant shoehorning of a character into the story is blatant. *ding*
'I don't know how to dance' cliche. *ding*
'Mother trying to get her daughter married' cliche. *ding*
Cadence, who met Diamond many times by now, never picked up on the fact that he is a social outcast. *ding*
So, now Cadance is trying to get them together. Next thing you know she will be asking about grandfoals. *ding*
'Protagonist thinks he can't marry the princess because he isn't royalty' cliche. *ding*
Scene does not contain a lap dance. *ding*
'I'm cold' cliche, only it's done by the male this time. *ding*
How does one warm up a fire? Put it in a bed with extra blankets and a few hot water bottles? *ding*
'Protagonist automatically assumes that his love interest isn't interested in him' cliche. *ding*
Babe. *ding*
Awkward virgins are awkward. *ding*
Story boos its own bad joke. Minus one sin. *gnid*
Awkward student role-play is awkward. *ding*
This wedding scene is surprisingly well done. A little sappy, but well done. Minus one sin. *gnid*
Story does not include a sequel. *ding*
COUNT: 26
SENTENCE: BEATEN TO DEATH (by a bully)
8175783
Haha! Made my day and thank you for the criticism
8175783 loves your comment, gave me a good laugh at the end 😂
8176115 I really liked the fic, wish there was a sequel 😭
Hmm, ya done good Diamond. Ya done good
Thank you for writing this story I quite enjoyed it a lot.
8274234
You're welcome
This was a very good story.
I think you should think of more words for penis other than 'member', sutch as dick, cock, and pussy spoon. (The last one is what I call my dick XD)
8612272
ci.memecdn.com/8816995.gif
Ouch.. right in the pride.
Perfect fic. Its been a while since I read a story full of love. Added to my favorites an faved 💞
7885131
Crazy Diamond fix that spaghetti!
7884935
Fancy seeing you here
9461373
Sup'