• Member Since 7th May, 2015
  • offline last seen February 28th

Oldtakufanboy


Original username Zoddtheimmortalone. I'm a fan of anime, but I enjoy the classics more. As for My Little Pony, I may not watch it as much, but I do like the show and I also love EG

T

Jack backlash was a highschool student that doesn't have that much of anything interesting happening in his life. One day, these 'Dazzlings' show up and one of them caught his eye. She looked like a cute girl who seemed clumsy, but funny. Her name was Sonata Dusk. Ever since the battle of the bands, the dazzlings lost and were never seen again. It was a shame that he never got the chance to talk to Sonata before she and her sisters disappeared.

But it seems that luck was with him.

Three weeks later as he was walking home from work on a rainy afternoon, he heard a girl in the alleyway sobbing. As he looked into the alleyway, he was surprised to who it was. This is where his story begins…

Chapters (10)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 119 )

Go on..... I want to see how it goes :coolphoto:

Good premise, but not realistic- CPS could be called if a child moved away from their legal guardians before the age of 18, and the minimum working age in most parts of America is 16.

Must. Resist. Urge. To. Proofread! To many short sentences! Other than that, good story; keep going!

*Edit* If you'd like, I'll volunteer to do some editorial work on this; clean it up, simplify and otherwise make it look better. I've already got a list of edits I believe should be made if you'd like to hear them.

Cheers!

6640888

Thank you very much. I'm trying my best to make the chapters longer. I'll see what I can do for the next chapter

Comment posted by Soren Mercer deleted Nov 17th, 2015

6640901 I shall wait with baited breath.

If you'd like an editor, let me know.

6640927

:pinkiehappy:I would like an editor. My other editor is so busy that I can never ask her to help me out.

It's just that...well... How does it work? With editing and all. My editor is usually comes to my place and looks over it.

Can I have that soup that you said before?

Lol Sonata's probably gonna demand a pile of tacos after that :unsuresweetie:

I hope the other dazzlings are alright, those girls should stick together, also not to compare your story to another but the opening makes me think of some soup would be nice, with Adagio in lieu of Sonata, but Imean that in a good way.

This looks sweet. I will like to read more so I will track this and give it a Big star.:pinkiehappy:

6643993

Thank you very much. I hope you'll enjoy more of it.

Not bad, kinda cute, and Sonata is best Dazzling! Just needs some editing, I would if I didn't myself suck at grammar and junk lol. Fun story though, nice work.

"Your welcome." I replied as I hugged her tightly.

Aaahgahd! My heart! Otherwise, this was an excellent story. Definitely one of the more better ones I've had the honor of reading. Keep up the good work! :twilightsmile:

"Your welcome,"

Ahhgahd! My heart! Grammar... ughhhh... *dies*
Lol. Other than the occasional grammar mistake, this story is obviously one of the more better ones that I have had the honor of reading. Keep up the good work! :twilightsmile:

6650874

Thank you for spotting that. I'll fix that. And thank you for liking this story.

I´m not sure if he has my favourite personality or not, but I like the first chapter.

I stood there looking away from Sonata with a blush across my face.

he seems to react very fast, and easy at something like that.

"I miss them very much...if they were still alive today, they would be very proud of me." I said as a tear fell down my cheek.

I don´t really hate it, I just had read that reaction that often, that I wanted to mention it this time. Sometimes I get the feeling it is weird that they still react so strong about it, I would actually assume, that they are used to this idea, and that only the other one, that hears about it, is cying.

I still like that story, it is just that the mainc char usually acts rather confident, and suddenly he is crying like a ....Gary Stue?(Mary Sue?), and that because of something rather small thing. I know the thing with his parents isn´t funny, but this time I honestly thinkg, that he probably should be at least used to the idea, and well he still can get depressive, but not the crying.

"Just get in the shower and get yourself cleaned." I said as I pushed her into the bathroom and shut the door behind her.

Can't help but think this is a dick move. Maybe add something like 'I said as I playfully pushed her into the bathroom and shut the door behind her.' It would be less cringy.

Next round of Editing from yours truly?

BTW, I do recommend having someone edit it before you post it, just sayin'

6669621

Oh really? I thought it was a one time only thing. Thank you very much for being my editor. Hold on a sec, I'll PM you.

aaaaawwwwwww does little Jackie have a crush

This was great, you are good at this. Can't wait for more.

6692573

Why thank you :twilightsmile:. glad that you are enjoying this.

always checking for a new chapter

6699360

Sorry to say that it's gonna be a while. I Have finals and I need to study. I'll be working on it soon though so don't fret :pinkiesad2:

6699387 you to looks like were both stuck with finals ha:derpytongue2:

finally its here yes:twilightsmile::twilightsmile:

I think you got the math wrong with the change. He'd get forty-four cents back, not fifty-six.

Also, wouldn't Sonata need bras too?

6767822

Hehehe… I'll fix that :twilightsheepish:

"Why is my heart beating so quickly? Wait a minute… could this be-" I was cutoff from my thought as Sonata pointed towards the car, which was twenty feet ahead.

Doesn´t he already know´s that he likes her ?, somehow it looks more like he never new it before.

Well nice chapter, I hoped I didn´t mixed my memories up with another Sonata fanfiction.

6768501

Shoot thanks for catching that. I'm gonna fix that. :twilightsheepish:

Thank you for spotting that. :twilightsmile:

Loved the song choice when they were going to the mall. Keep up the good work! /)^3^(\

6769378

Thank you very much. Glad you like my taste in music. :twilightsmile:

I agree with MNalex94 you pick great music with this whole chapter.:ajsmug: I really like what you have down, it is so great I loved every second reading this:heart:. Thank you for this, can't wait for more.:pinkiehappy:

6775785

Thank you very much. I have more songs coming soon throughout the story :raritywink:

Aaaaaaand cue song now!

Good story. I likes much it.

"Oh my God… that's also my favorite." I said with surprise.

Nothing bad, since I don´t know how often you exactly do something like that, but I think they don´t need to like the same stuff always.

6785315 yeah, well it is still good, I actually watched parasyte myself last month, I couldn´t stopp till I watched at least five episodes. I just have the habbit to name some stuff that I have seen to often, not sure why but that is what I sort of have to do sometimes.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!