- Member Since 16th Mar, 2016
- offline last seen May 8th, 2021
Davids Archivist
Royally appointed archivist of David's history
Davids Archivist
Joined 16th Mar, 2016 ·
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HA!
Tell that to half a billion other authors.
D'awww, more of this; more princess petting!
It will be human x Luna or human x herd or human x love triangle?
7309153
Thanks for your question!
Primarily David x Luna. Celestia is... well, see Act III next week! Cadance is platonic. Herding is a concept that is discussed.
7309161
Please, no cheating.
You can't decide will be there herding or not, or it is a concept in Equestria? I think herding is a way better than love triangle with a heartbreaking.
7309171
No heartbreak, no cheating, no princest.
7309171 Platonic love is a type of love that is non-sexual.
"subsequent fifteen days. During that time, tensions are high, romance and jealousy blossoms, friends are made and challenges abound..."
You don't get out much, do you?
7307507 This.
7307507 I'll let this slide because of the Thrak helm that you have there. This is its own universe, so in the words of the great 'ME' Nuff Said!
7326470 How about shut the fuck up.
I'll bet you the magic is something harmless - like the beginnings of a bond - and initiated unconsciously by Luna, who just wants a companion to ease her loneliness.
7332308 Sounds like I hit a nerve. Since you're unlikely to discover this on your own, the "scenario" I poked at doesn't occur outside poorly written fiction.
Yay!
EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Awesome story! I love it. The problem is I notice that everyone's voice seems to be the same. They all speak in the same manner, just different amounts of knowledge. Except Cadance. I feel that the voices of the characters aren't unique to themselves.
7351969
Thank you for your constructive comment! As I am only the Archivist, I will gladly pass your feelings on to the author.
I hope that you continue to find enjoyment in David's story.
Coming along nicely! The romance can slow down just a tad bit. Seems like things progressing a bit fast, maybe they need a date or two during Luna's night?
Why does he keep feeling the need to apologize for Twilight sexually molesting him..?
this is Celestia testing him by falling asleep and seeing what he will do while she is seemingly unguarded.
The I am all alone and lonely part annoyed me a little I understand what he's getting at but at least he has Luna
When I saw that JBL did editing work on this, I had some pretty solid hopes, given some of the other projects he's edited for in the past and is currently helping with. I have to say though, that I am somewhat disappointed. Let me point out a few issues for you.
I suppose I shall start with the writing. In and of itself, the technical aspects of the story are well written. Structure, tenses, grammar, all of that is nicely handled. I'm assuming most of it is your doing, but technically, it is sound. However, when you move past that and start looking at the body, there are quite a few issues that arise, and it does not help your cause that this is a dime-a-dozen Human-In-Equestria story, sadly.
Rushing to get the romance started is fine, but how you handle it is not. In relationships, there is generally an introduction, a but of build up and learning who the other person is, and then a friendship is established, upon which a romance may bloom. Generally. I do know that 'love at first sight' is some form of fairy tale stuff, and occasionally can perhaps happen in real life, but you eschew any sense of pacing to get to a romance. He was conscious for all of twenty-four hours, if that, before entering into a romance with Luna.
The above leads into another issue: Pacing. Had you started the story with some form of a time break, where he had been within Equestria for some time and already spent time with Luna, then certainly, I could buy jumping almost right into the romance. But, pacing doesn't seem to exist here.
Another issue I noted is that your character is still as flat as compressed cardboard. There is no character to him, he barely even reacted to finding himself on a different planet. Okay, so he has knowledge of Equestria, but there was no reaction at all whatsoever to finding himself present, except supplication and apologies. Literally the only thing I've seen come from your character after 40,000 words. We know nothing about him basically, he has no personality traits, he simply seems to exist. That's all.
Just a few of the more glaring issues from reading these 41,000 words. Technical side of things? B+ as there's always room for improvement. Content, though, currently stands around a D, there's just too many issues. I hope you can take away something useful from this for your future endeavors. What you write is equally important as how you write it.
7374439
Thank you for your critique. It was professional and insightful.
I have replied via PM.
-DA
Thanks to all who have made it this far.
Recently, I have started to take a much more critical look at this story's future. However, I need your help.
Please read the newest blog post and leave a comment there to help me decide which path to take.
Thanks,
-DA
7376407 dawwww sun pony hugs are best hugs
If you do rewrite this will you still keep the no meat allowed/has to become an instant vegetarian again?
Nooooo i have reached the end!!!! Waaaaaa *starts crying* waaaaa
7379880
I wasn't aware!
There's an end to this story!?
What do you mean?
7377626 Oh, did I strike a nerve? Being a partially-reformed meatatarian myself, I dabbled with straying from the one true path to murdering and consuming the voiceless denizens of the soil (veg) and found it quite easy for me to subsist on those ground-huggers. I suppose I projected that on David. He's a cultured dude and has eaten tons of stuff. Hopefully, it doesn't come back to haunt him!
I did, however, go eat all-you-can-eat BBQ last night. I regret nothing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQkA9WTyWrs
7380262 NO THE LAST CHAPTER! PUBLISHED SO FAR *STILL CRYING*
HOLD IT IF THIS IS DA1 WHERE IS DA 2
7380622 DA2 is still mulling in my brain's gray matter but is starting basic conception. DA1 has a LONG way to go yet. We're currently discussing possible changes, though. Go see the blog to join the conversation.
7380674 OK THE ESSENCE OF WHAT IS GOING ON HAS PIECED IT'SELF TOGETHER.
A wonderful story very well written. Thank you for sharing it with all of us.
Soooooo looking forward to the next chapter
7456204
Hopefully, I will not make you all wait much longer!
Thank you for your interest!
7458572 it's borderline obsession if I'm being honest.
...Why not make it mature now?
7543917
Fair question.
Plans and scheming and all things wicked.Not much reason anymore, just need to have a few group mods move the story into appropriate folders, I suppose.
YYYEEESSSS!!! The chapters are out! Gonna be reading this as soon as possible!
In a magic absorption situation like his it would be relevant to ask for the physical properties if magic, if they are in the low end of the frequency spectrum or high end. Because if magic is in the high end then it can cause cancer.
7544768 Um... May I correct you? The Electromagnetic spectrum is not made out of energy but rather photons, or simply light. Magic should act more like energy as in kinectic or mechanical energy, being able move objects around. If magic was x-rays or gamma rays everybody would be dead, and that isn't good for the purpose of any fantasy story.
YESSSS! I have come to truly enjoy your story so far. Good work!
Its like. We are putting you in quarantine because you are new and a more evolved version of an ape so get in the box.
You have some of the best dialogue I've seen on this site. I'm genuinely impressed.
This pleases me,i need more
7546905
7563566
7563573
My thanks to you all. I hope you continue to enjoy David's story.
I enjoyed the new chapters, one of the better human x luna as far as the feels and story goes. Nice one.
Having each of the characters right journals to explain there perspective is quite novel to me. In most stories the author simply changed perspective from one character to another. There's nothing wrong with that method but this is a nice deviation from the norm. Keep up the distinct and impressive work.
7545947 Photons are just physical manifestations of excitations in the electromagnetic field, and this is caused by disruptions to it due to something with a lot of thermal energy, quantum tunneling, or just refractions of existing excitations.
I'm also not going to go into wave-particle duality as this is the comment section of a my little pony fan fic.
I believe that A unicorn's manifestation of magic is just conjuring up empty valiance shells of electrons without spin or charge during ionic bonding. They can react as a catalyst, but when sustained can be used as any other material.
The banter is strong with this one. I can't help but wonder did it take time to come up with those lines or did they flow naturally for You? Regardless you have firmly solidified yourself as th ed best dialog writer on the sit in my mind. I can now favorite this story with full confidence.