• Member Since 20th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Loganberry


Hold your ground but do not be unkind. (Ponyphonic, "Shy Heart")

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Verdant Plateau, new to the neighbourhood, has heard plenty of tales of Pinkie Pie and her extraordinary efforts to welcome newcomers to Ponyville. That's why she's currently eating tiny flowers in a field outside town.

A revised and expanded version of "And Thou No Breath at All", an entry from the December 2015 Writeoff.

Now has a reading by Feral!

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 22 )

I don't really understand what happened, I think. Mostly just Pinkie welcoming this character to town in a quiet way? Either way, I like this. It's simple and clean and just nice.

I thought this seemed familiar. An excellent example of Pinkie at her best. I'll try not to collapse her wavefunction on my way out.

7017926 Thank you! :pinkiehappy: Even though the minific didn't do too well in the Writeoff, several people liked how I wrote Pinkie and I thought the story had potential to be expanded to a short one-shot. I'm moderately satisfied with how it turned out.

7017921 Verdant Plateau has social anxiety, something I have (to a degree) myself. Pinkie starts off doing her usual, bouncy welcoming act, but later realises what's going on -- which is why her "party" isn't the huge, loud affair that Verdant fears, but a simple, quiet, heartfelt welcome. Pinkie is much more than a one-dimensional silly pony, and that's what I've tried to get across here. :pinkiesmile:

The original minific was criticised (rightly) for the fact that it was too obscure -- though the prompt for that contest was "Things Left Unsaid", so I couldn't make things too obvious. I've tried to give some more clues in this revised version, but I can see why it might still be a little confusing.

I do things for new ponies, and I do things with new ponies, and sometimes if they’re pegasi I do things under new ponies.

derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/1/25/814032__safe_solo_princess+celestia_meme_le+lenny+face_artist-colon-godofsteak_wollap+style.png

7018294 I say, sir/madam! This is an E-rated story, what! :pinkiegasp:

No genre tags?

7018498 Ooh, thanks for picking that up! It's supposed to be tagged [Slice of Life], and that tag's now been added.

Doing things to new ponies isn’t very friendly, and being a Pinkie Pie means being friendly to everypony.”

Verdant’s brow furrowed. “A Pinkie Pie?”

Pinkie waved a hoof dismissively. “Eh, it’s kind of quantum. Please don’t tell Twilight or she might want to take a look at it and then it might disappear, and I don’t want it to disappear because it is me, and me needs to be here!”

Okay, I really enjoyed this exchange. :pinkiehappy:

7018751 Pinkie can be so much fun to write! :pinkiehappy:

7018170 Hi there :pinkiehappy:

This one was quite difficult... but since it had been written under the preamble "Things left unsaid", it makes sense for it to miss some explanations^^ (You might want to put that point into the description? ;) )
I guessed something like social anxiety at the begin, and I think I myself would be afraid of entering the village as well if I knew Pinkie would be waiting for me, and I don´t have any issues like that xD For Verdant, this must be pure horror...
I like it that you portrayed Pinkie as somepony really investing the effort to find out what just fits the other one perfect.

7018988 Didn´t try it yet, but I really like your version of her. Btw, you should read the scene of Past Sins with Pinkie overcoming the guards of Nightmare Moon by thinking they want to play catch with her xD Just brilliant.

One point:

A thrush called in a nearby tree.

Either I misunderstand the meaning or the verb here, or it´s a typo^^ Isn´t a bird in a tree supposed to rustle or something like that? Or are my English lessons just too long ago? :twilightblush:

I liked this but didn't love it. Some of the Pinkie dialogue feels a little too Louis Carroll to me, rather than feeling authentically Pinkie in voicing. A couple of British turns of phrases as well.

I was a language student in Fillydelphia, and now I’m taking a year out.

'Taking a year out' just isn't an American phrase, and since Fillydelphia is analogous to Philadelphia, I'd expect it to be something like 'taking a break' or taking a year off.' Of course, going to school in Fillydelphia isn't the same as being from Fillydelphia. She could be a British pony, but I'm not getting that sense from the majority of the dialogue.

I think the thing with this story is that Pinkie is written well in terms of acting like Pinkie, but sometimes doesn't sound like herself. With a little tightening, she could really shine through. In certain instances, she's pretty informal. She uses an 'Are ya?' and has a usage of 'nothin'', yet in other places she's a little stuffier sounding.

I most certainly would not!

It goes so well with your really nice coat.

This vacillation pulls me out of the story a little bit.

Putting that aside, I do really like some of the bits of Pinkie-ness that shine through. Acknowledging a quantum nature that no one else understands. Intrinsically knowing what kind of party the new pony needs. Whistling a three part harmony. All good stuff. I enjoyed that a lot.

As a character, Verdant works well, though she's a little bland. Nothing wrong with bland, but I don't have a burning desire to know more about her story. I'm much more interested in Pinkie here, and that's probably largely the point. Verdant is basically a surrogate Fluttershy here, so it leaves me wondering why you didn't just use Fluttershy's first meeting with Pinkie. One thing that I did really like was the conflict at the bakery door. Verdant's head wants to leave, but her heart has at least some desire to go through with it. I like that window into her personality. I do think it would be a touch stronger with one little thread in the beginning that gave a tiny indication that she wanted this, rather than just full on socially uncomfortable with Pinkie. Nothing major, but just something that gave the hesitation at the door a justification.

Anyway, I'm probably nitpicking this to death the way that I do. I enjoyed the story overall. Nice, descriptive prose. Two solid characterizations. An understandable plot that moved toward a satisfying conclusion. All in all, quite good.

:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

Honestly, I thought that was a fantastic little story. I wasn't *quite* sure what had happened at the end, but I read that part again and it twigged. It was a very nice thought that Pinkie wouldn't always be loud and crowdy if she realises it would make another pony feel unhappy or even scared. That made her seem so much more thoughtful than she might normally seem. (Crankie springs to mind at this point. With the best will in the world, Pinkie just would not leave the poor guy alone, even if it did all work out okay in the end.)

Also, I thought you'd written Pinkie just right. I know from what you and others have said that she isn't all that easy to write for, or at least not convincingly. Not that I've any actual experience of attempting to write a Pinkie for a Pinkie story ever at all so I have no idea in the slightest just what it would be like to write Pinkie in a Pinkie style that is definitely absotootily Pinkie through and through like a stick of rock but pink even though some rock is pink anyway and *huff huff huff* :pinkiegasp:

Uhoh... Schrödinger's Pinkie. That proves without a doubt that there are definitely more than one. The mirror pool was just a distraction to hide us from the truth. :derpyderp1:

7020621 I read Past Sins quite a long time ago. I reviewed it here. :pinkiesmile: And birds do indeed "call", so that word is correct.

7020679 Thank you so much for that comment -- what other fandom would give me feedback like that on a story this short? I'll address a few of your points in a moment, but as a general thing: you may remember that some time ago I described myself as a "middling to good" ponyfic writer. I think this story is firmly in the "middling" class, whereas (say) It Doesn't Matter Now is further towards the "good" end of the spectrum.

'Taking a year out' just isn't an American phrase

This is American English failure on my part, I think partly because "taking a year off" and "taking a year out" aren't quite synonyms in British English. (The "out" version strongly implies a link to education.) As it's such an easy edit, though, I've changed it to "taking a year off" now.

It goes so well with your really nice coat.

Ah, I thought you'd pick out that one, and I agree: it's probably the weakest line of dialogue in the entire story. I can hear Pinkie saying, "I most certainly would not!" but not this. I'll think about how to edit that.

Verdant is basically a surrogate Fluttershy here, so it leaves me wondering why you didn't just use Fluttershy's first meeting with Pinkie.

Partly because I didn't want a well-known character for the original Writeoff round, partly because my headcanon for pre-show Fluttershy wouldn't allow it and partly because I needed a pony who couldn't fly away!

All in all, quite good.

For a little story like this, I'll take that, thank you! I did come close to simply putting the Writeoff version in Little Bits, partly because it's not one of my best, but a couple of people I showed that to urged me to turn it into a standalone story.

7020684 Thank you! :pinkiehappy: As I said in my reply to xjuggernaughtx, I don't think this is my best Pinkie fic, but it does have its moments.

7020916

And birds do indeed "call", so that word is correct.

Haha, would have wondered if it actually hadn´t been a fault on my side. :twilightblush: *Takes a look on a calendar* Eeyup, I´m definitely allowed to forget some of the stuff from school by now :twilightsmile:

Please, tell me: What is your headcanon for the early Flutters?
And: Is your review spoiler-free or do I have to cut it at one point?

7020916 You're very welcome.

and partly because I needed a pony who couldn't fly away!

This is a damn good reason.

8088234 Thanks. I think. :rainbowderp:

7020948
Even for me, waiting nearly two years to respond to a comment is a bit much, so my apologies for that. At the time you asked the question (March 2016) my headcanon was what I wrote in Where They Understand You. Some of that story was rendered irreconcilable with canon after "Flutter Brutter" aired, but it's still the most I've ever thought about that issue.

8711066
Hey there.

It's been quite a while indeed, but I don't mind.

Honestly forgot about this comment, but it's nice to see there's a story covering that matter, too. And hey, most stories eventually clash with the show canon. The older they are, the higher the risk. I don't think anyone really expected that we'd get focus episodes for all of the Mane Six' parents. (After all, only Rarity's parents remain)

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