• Member Since 20th Apr, 2012
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Loganberry


Hold your ground but do not be unkind. (Ponyphonic, "Shy Heart")

T

Rainbow Dash moved into Ponyville's Cloud House on her birthday. She never expected things to turn out like that; it's a long way down from Cloudsdale, after all. But like so much else in Rainbow's life, Fluttershy had a great deal to do with it. Not that her shy friend could have known that when she made a single choice long before.

"Home is not where you live but where they understand you" — Christian Morgenstern

(Note: Written long before "Flutter Brutter", so don't expect it to mesh with current canon.)

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 46 )

Rainbow Dash is remarkably well characterized here.

And I thought I was gonna be the first person to have read it (it popped up while I was looking at your blog post) but I'm already #8...

A very nice start. I'm curious to see where this goes.

4202956 Thank you! It's odd: usually I'd back myself to write Fluttershy better than Rainbow, but this time I think it's the other way round. As for the numbers, that's probably because I made a few small edits between uploading and submitting, and those seem to count as views. Plus at least one view from the mods, I imagine.

4203425 Thank you too! Of course, the final destination is known, since this is in the regular FiM universe. It will certainly take a fairly roundabout route to get there, though!

cocksure

Ummm......
cockey is probably a better word to use there.
Just saying...
Love your writing style!
~Wywint

4205642 Thanks for the compliment! :twilightsmile: But nope, "cocksure" is the word I wanted. Its definition is "presumptuously or arrogantly confident", whereas "cocky" is a little heavier on the arrogance and lighter on the confidence. It was the confidence I wanted to slightly emphasise, so "cocksure" was right.

That was awesome! :rainbowkiss: I love flutters she's my second favorite but anywhoooo you did an amazing job with her character and the details were absolutely delightful I can't wait to read the next chapter

4230066 Thanks very much! Fluttershy is my own favourite pony, but I love writing FlutterDash friendshipping. The next chapter may be take a little while because of Easter, holidays, work etc, but I'm definitely working on it. :)

Aaawww :fluttercry: that was beautiful you have an awesome way with words and I enjoyed this chapter so very much and I can't wait for more :pinkiehappy: keep up the fabulous work!

4343587 Thank you very much! :rainbowkiss: I wish I could post a little more often, but real life is so busy at the moment. I know how the story will go; it's just a case of having time to polish it up before publishing each chapter. But I can promise you two things before this story is done: 1) more Fluttershy and 2) more Rainbow Dash. :yay:

4344614 more Rainbow sounds pretty darn awesome to me :rainbowlaugh: and don't worry take your time a story as amazing as yours is worth waiting for :raritywink:

4348166 Thank you very much. I'm very flattered! :pinkiehappy:

4348485
No problem. To be honest I'd kind of forgotten about favouriting this - thank you for reminding me that I favourited it because it's very good! Can't wait for the next update! :twilightsmile:

4525237 Don't worry: they'll be along! I've been on holiday recently, and very busy with work, so I've had very little time for writing. But chapter 4 should be here by the end of this month. :twilightsmile:

Hmm, apparently The Journal of the Two Sisters book says that "Pinkie Pride" was the tenth anniversary of Rainbow's move to Ponyville. That doesn't fit with this story, so I've... well, ignored it. Let me know if you think I should be adding an AU tag!

4545738 Okay, I've decided to leave things as they are. After all, I started the story before the Journal appeared, and so far at least the show hasn't backed it up. So expect the next chapter in about a week's time!

I think you meant 'motes of fine dust'.

Before I forget, in the paragraph that starts:- "Yeah," interrupted the flame-haired mare." I spotted the word *impresssed* which I'm guessing shouldn't have that extra "S" there? :twilightsmile:

That aside though, I couldn't find anything at all to fault this chapter. By which I mean in terms of the actual story, and especially the characterisation. To me at least, bearing in mind this seemed very much a "Rainbow chapter" Rainbow herself seemed exactly right. I couldn't see anything there that seemed out of place for her character. Somehow you just know that she'd maybe enjoy some parts of her job, but the majority of it would frankly bore her rigid. :rainbowwild: Considering how clear it is, including in this chapter, how much happiness she gets from simply soaring through the air, a job making clouds or checking them for quality was never going to be her idea of fun. (Rather like when I worked for a doctor and had to program a customised data entry program - it was my job, but I was screaming inside to be working on a game instead. :derpytongue2: )

It was also strange, but fascinating, to read of this very first meeting with her heroine, Spitfire. I always imagined her to be about 8-10 years older than the Mane Six, so that seemed to fit in well with how she was described here. I couldn't help but wince when Rainbow boasted that she could even beat Spitfire in a race. That was so like her, but you couldn't help but think "Stop! Don't say that to someone like Spitfire!" But Rainbow is just so confident and blurts things out, so she wouldn't have had time to think "be careful what you say..."

The conversation between Rainbow and Fluttershy was also very moving, I thought, and also a very important scene. There was something especially touching about the point when Rainbow put a wing on Fluttershy's shoulder, and when Fluttershy looked up, it had this feeling of "You're forgiven. Now let's leave those unhappy thoughts and move onto something much nicer. The cloud house!"

And I wonder if they'll figure out who did actually own that mysterious cloud house, though I can guess who now plans to take it over! It was also pretty clear that Fluttershy would give that idea her hoofprint of approval. :yay:

Why do I get the feeling that whatever they find at the City Hall will cause complications for Fluttershy in her new cottage?

Either that, or her father left her enough money to live her whole life without monetary woes.

a nice cute way to end a nice cute story:yay:

6052552 Thank you! That was the idea, so I'm glad it came across. :yay:

Where has this been hiding? It was such an adorable and sweet story I can't believe I barely read it today. I'm supposed to be studying for finals!!!

I really like this story so much. Amazing job writing it.

6052785 Oh dear, I hope my story hasn't interrupted your studies too much! :rainbowwild: But seriously, thank you very much. I'm a huge fan of FlutterDash friendshipping and really wanted to write something centred on that friendship -- plus I find that friendship adorable and sweet myself, so I'm delighted you found this fic so enjoyable. :yay:

Nicely done. Very neat to have read a story about how Rainbow Dash ended up with the cloud house. Very nice wrap-up to your story (: even in just friendship it's so cute :rainbowderp:

6058274 Thanks very much! :twilightsmile: I'd wondered after seeing "Pinkie Pride" why on earth Rainbow would move house on her birthday -- and then the idea that the house was actually a present took shape. 'Shy's and Dash's relationship is just friendship in this fic, but that there were times when it might have become something more (eg the bit leading up to "The moment passed" in ch. 1). It just didn't happen to work out that way for them in the end, and they simply became extremely close friends (as seen best in "Hurricane Fluttershy"). :twilightsmile:

Marvelous! You captured Fluttershy perfectly! I've only read the first chapter, but, so far, this appears to be an exemplary story! I also only spotted two things that could use an edit, although the latter error is repeated a number of times throughout the chapter:

Even her cutie mark represented creatures one never saw really saw up here in Cloudsdale, at least outside a museum or an experimental lab.

There's an extra saw hiding in there. Silly typos get the best of us all every now and then.

She didn't go out of her way to pre-emptively protect Fluttershy; they didn't fly around Cloudsdale tail-in-tail or anything; but she did wade in if she saw the yellow pegasus in trouble.

I've mentioned this already in a previous comment on a separate story, but there's no harm in repetition: Semi-colons combine connected sentences; they don't represent a break or an aside. (See what I did there? :raritywink: ) Dashes are best for this, although you have to be careful not to become carried away, adding dashes hither and thither with little or no regard as to number. I tend to get, as I call it, "dash-happy" myself, so I've become paranoid enough to notice when there are too many dashes being used. If you add the dashes here, in the quote above, the paragraph from which the quote is taken will have at least two pairs of dashes, and, for a relatively small paragraph, that's considered too many. I'd advise giving the chapter (and any other chapter or story you please) a once-through to replace the misused semi-colons with dashes, and then go through it again to see if there are too many dashes. If there are too many, just put a little elbow grease into some quick revisions to shift the sentence structures around. Sentence variety is a writer's best friend. :twilightsmile:

6085447 Thank you very much -- for both the comments and the favourite! I've fixed both the errors you pointed out, though I suspect a few more may have slipped through the net in later chapters. I don't think this is my best story, actually: it was the first multi-chapter ponyfic I'd written (and it's still the only one) and I think that does show at times. That said, it does tell a story I particularly wanted to tell, so in that sense it's one that's quite important to me. :twilightsmile:

Chapter Two -- check! I about started crying by the end of it, but I love it nevertheless. Now for the obligatory edit suggestions! :moustache:

The stallion bit away the seal on the first scroll and held it between his forepaws, reading intently but showing no sign of emotion.

Now, since when do ponies have forepaws, hmm? :raritywink:

It had not been easy; there had been pain; but now she had learned to live with the fact of it.

Spotted another semi-colon error, but it was the only one this time. :twilightsmile:

Here at last, her thoughts turned darker as she remembered not a bird but another pony.

It's a little awkward here at the beginning because there's only one comma. At last is used as an interjection of sorts where it's been placed within the sentence's structure, so there should be two commas -- one before and one after -- to show the implied pause produced by interjections. If it were simply, "Here her thoughts..." the use of a single comma would be optional, at least in my opinion, but with at last:

Here, at last, her thoughts turned darker as she remembered not a bird but another pony.

6088337 More thanks are in order! :twilightsmile:

Now, since when do ponies have forepaws, hmm?

Um... undercover otter service? :trixieshiftleft::trixieshiftright:

Spotted another semi-colon error

Actually, I'm going to keep that one as it is. Non-standard it may be (and it is!), but I feel the cadence of the phrase is better with semicolons than with dashes, and I don't want to change the wording. This one was a deliberate piece of rule breaking -- for a change!

Here, at last, her thoughts turned darker as she remembered not a bird but another pony.

I agree with you that the original version of this line needed changing, but in the end I decided to remove the commas entirely. I don't like the sound of a significant pause after "Here", you see. :twilightsmile:

Sorry for taking so long to get back to reading this! :twilightsheepish: Things got busy. But I'll finish it all, rest assured! (I'm much too invested not finish it at this point.) And I must say that delving back into this tale of Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash is still absolutely wonderful! When Fluttershy started talking about the poor little mouse, you almost had me crying again. But the resolution at the end of the chapter, with Dash understanding, at least a bit more, about how deeply in love with the ground Fluttershy is, was uplifting enough to counter the brief sadness. Looking forward to the rest of the story! :twilightsmile:
As for my usual edit suggestions:

… and warmed her wings as she stretched each of them gently in turn, feeling the gentle spring breeze…

Perhaps crack open a thesaurus (or just visit Thesaurus.com) and change one of the two gentles to give the otherwise vivid description more variety.

(Fluttershy indicated her cutie mark with a rough wing-jab.)

Parentheses are unnecessary here, and in most fiction/creative writing in general. The popular fanfics, like Fallout: Equestria, that use them seem to have set a trend around FIMFiction that parentheses are the way to go, but, at least in my opinion, they seem more distracting, unneeded, and overused than anything else. Obviously, this particular suggestion has more to do with taste than actual mechanics—as far as I know, anyway—so feel free to ignore it if you prefer to use parentheses in this manner.

Mrs Mouse

Since “Mrs.” is an abbreviation of “Missus”, it always requires a period. This goes for “Ms.” and “Mr.” as well.

And you can't even get a a jobuntil you're done with Extra.

Two things: (1) Double a typo. (2) Missing space between “job” and “until”

"Oh, right," said Rainbow, mentally marking Rarity down as somepony she could safely ignore.

:rainbowlaugh: Best line in the whole chapter right there! It's the middle of the night where I am and I had to stuff my head in a pillow for a second just to keep from laughing too loud.
Another excellent chapter! It was nice to get into Dash's head for a change, even if I still find her overflowing self-confidence a touch on the annoying side. But seeing Dash shot down like that by Spitfire? That was harsh. I think Dash needed to be taken down a notch right then, too, but, dang, Spitfire -- that was a little on the unnecessarily cruel side, wasn't it?
Oh, and Dash's reaction to the Cloud House -- absolutely perfect! I can totally imagine that being how she'd act in the show if they ever did a flashback of that moment. :twilightsmile:
Only caught a couple of things in need of editing this time:

In all honesty, she felt, there wasn't…

Second comma’s unnecessary

The further up a pegasus went…

Since you’re describing distance and not degrees, it should be “farther”

And I do mean "sharp".

Because these quotations appear within quotations, they should be single quotes, not double quotes, such as: “… And I do mean ‘sharp’.”

:fluttercry: Her dad was a jerk. Why am I sad? Fluttershy clearly isn't sad. Not on the outside, anyway...

I have a new favorite word -- gabbling. I didn't even know that was a word! It's so fun to say, and it just looks like fun to say! Gabbling! :derpytongue2:
Anyway, I really liked this chapter. The girls are starting to come into their own, if each in their own way. And you just know that Dash is going to snap up that Cloud House soon. She can't possibly keep darting back and forth between Cloudsdale and Ponyville like this, even with her new promotion.
Only spotted one typo this time:

Fluttershy took a demure sip from her own and cup gently stirred the drink with a spoon…

I’m not entirely sure how this is supposed to read, but the typo is evident. Perhaps you meant to omit “cup” entirely? Or reverse the positioning of “cup” and “and”?

Rainbow leaned forward and waggled her eyebrows. “Aaand?”

When I read this, the first thing that popped into my head was that awesome expression Dash gave to one of Daring Do’s quips in Daring Don’t. This one, I believe:

She was watching the sun rise in the west.

I understand it perfectly, and I think it’s a glorious way to end this wonderful tale. :twilightsmile:
This has been such a joy to read! I’m just sorry it took me so long to sit down and read it. Well, now I have, and I have to say that I contend your remark about this not being one of your best stories. This is definitely one of the best stories I’ve read on this site, and I suspect it will always remain so.
On to the final installment of edit suggestions!

You thought I didn’t want to be your friend any more?

The “any more” should be “anymore”, in this instance.

… and declared, “Well, I’m here now!” spreading her wings expansively.

I don’t know if there’s an actual grammar rule covering something like this, but, to me, having that clause—or phrase, or whatever it’s called—tacked on after the dialogue doesn’t read well and just plain looks odd. Perhaps rearrange things along the lines of: “… and, spreading her wings expansively, declared…”

It’s all work, work work.

There should be a comma after that second “work”.

Dash looked around the kitchen, noting without surprise that the cracks in the ceiling had lengthened a little more; that the damp patches on the ceiling had spread a little further.

Three things:
(1) The semi-colon should be a comma.
(2) In the second description, concerning the “damp patches”, stating “on the ceiling” again right after using it so recently—and in the same sentence—seems repetitive and unnecessary.
(3) Since you’re describing distance, the “further” should be “farther”.

Fluttershy’s voice was barely above a whisper, but it was firm and strong.

“No. It’s for you. And it’s not a book; it’s a scroll. Please, Rainbow, at least open it first.”

These should be combined as one paragraph. The dialogue is Fluttershy’s, after all, and there isn’t a shift from the focus on her character here.

The bidding went even higher than I was expecting it too, and I…

Should be “to”, not “too”

6188327 A big thank you is in order! :pinkiehappy: There's nothing I like more than getting feedback on a story, and yours has been wonderful: interesting, helpful and (let's be honest here, we're all a bit vain in this game) gratifyingly positive. I've already fixed some of the technical errors, but thanks for pointing out several more, which I'll get to in the near future. A few specifics:

"any more" / "further" / "Mrs"

1. "Any more" is standard BrE, although "anymore" is creeping in, as American forms tend to. Actually, "for ever", "per cent" and "apple sauce" are correct BrE as well, though the first two of those are coming under severe pressure from the one-word versions.
2. We don't use "farther" that much in BrE; "further" is generally used even for distances. "Farther" isn't incorrect, but it's relatively rare.
3. BrE has spent the last century or so gradually dropping full stops after abbreviations, at least outside formal writing. "Mrs" is the usual British form.

Second comma’s unnecessary

I'm keeping it, since I want the slight pause after "she felt", which you don't get without the second comma.

But seeing Dash shot down like that by Spitfire? That was harsh.

Yep. Maybe a little over the top, but Spitfire is also still a bit young and brash at this point, albeit not as much as Dash. I don't personally much like the "drill sergeant" persona she was given for S3, but it was useful here. (Also, it gives Rainbow another reason to be determined to show Spitfire how good she really is in "Wonderbolts Academy"...)

Her dad was a jerk.

Mm-hm. I didn't want Fluttershy to start out an orphan, so she needed a parent, and I couldn't ignore the fact that we've heard nothing about her family in the show. But I got fed up with the number of stories in which Flutters' dad is outright abusive; I didn't want to go down that road (note that 'Shy isn't malnourished) and so this fitted quite well. (Heh, another Briticism there: "fitted". :rainbowwild:)

tacked on after the dialogue doesn’t read well

Quite right! I think that actually needs splitting into two sentences, with "She spread her wings expansively." at the end.

This is definitely one of the best stories I’ve read on this site, and I suspect it will always remain so.

Well, um... thank you! :twilightblush: I think what I meant in my comment was that it had several problems that I really should have fixed. (The "accessing the archives" minor sub-plot goes nowhere, really; I may add a paragraph to ch 5 to counter that.) I do like this fic, though, and I'm very happy that you did too.

And thank you too for reading this bloated comment! :yay:

6189190 You are more than welcome! I’ve always found positive criticism to be much more constructive than negative, so I try to keep my comments in the former category. And we all deserve a boost in ego every once in a while, of course. :raritywink:
Concerning the BrE… Curse the Pond and its division of such a similar language! Had I known these Briticisms, I certainly wouldn’t have nitpicked them out of the manuscript. I’ll definitely remember them for future perusals of your and other British nationals’ works. Thank you very much for instructing me on those nuances!
In reference to the Spitfire matter, I completely agree. I’ve always seen her as a more matured—if only slightly, in some instances—version of Dash. The idea of a younger Spitfire being “brash” instead of a straight drill sergeant throughout her life is a much better concept, and it gives her character more depth. With how she’s portrayed in Wonderbolts Academy, it just makes sense for her to have grown into that militaristic persona. Plus, if you factor in this earlier stage of Spitfire’s character development, your portrayal of an encounter between her and Dash before the events in the show is perfectly plausible—Spitfire would not have bothered to remember some punk filly beyond that encounter, and the fact that she doesn’t seem to have met Dash before the show remains whole and uncontended.
Fluttershy, an orphan? I never thought of her in that position. Granted, the distinct lack of familial information in the show concerning Fluttershy does open the floodgates for all sorts of theorizing, but she just never struck me as being an orphan. I always thought she had parents, and in my personal headcanons I suppose I still do, but not of the overbearing, neglectful, or abusive types. Perhaps she didn’t have a “perfect” childhood—well, foalhood—but, then, who among us ever has? But I digress. :twilightsheepish: I wasn’t sorry to see her dad go, but the fact that it happened to Fluttershy was what tugged the heartstrings. At least she didn’t seem to take it too hard, though that’s perfectly understandable, all things considered.
And finally, allow me to thank you in turn for putting up with my “bloated” comments. :twilightsmile:

6189645

Curse the Pond and its division of such a similar language!

Well, quite. Every so often, I think about making a blog post about the particular challenges of being a British fanfic writer in an American fandom... maybe the upcoming hiatus will give me the time to actually do it!

Fluttershy

Major spoiler about her in the SDCC panel, I see. No more details here, except to say that I'm quite glad I'm not still writing this fic!

Anyway, thank you once again. Now, let's see which of your stories catches my eye... :twilightsmile:

6191020

Fluttershy

:derpyderp2: Oh, my gosh, yes! I can't wait to see how alike (or dissimilar) they are! We're getting some more 'Shy details, yay! :yay:
On a semi-unrelated note, did you watch/listen to the new song that was revealed?

6191242

On a semi-unrelated note, did you watch/listen to the new song that was revealed?

One or two little bits, just to see what the style was. I'm saving the whole thing for the actual episode. :)

Well you keep telling me I should actually write reviews instead of just reading fics, and I have Finally worked my way around to this one.
I agree with @rocket that This is a much better Rainbow Dash Story Than many I have read, that may be helped by how she is in the background as it were. I also agree with @Emylia+Hawke about Spitfire and really like her here too.
I'm not too sure about Fluttershy though, at times her behaviour seems a bit erratic (but this could be on reflection, makes here more like a real pony).Sometimes it is hard to know if you are in RD's head or Flutters, fox example the bit in the garden (I really thought they ere going to kiss), I was surprised to find myself suddenly in RD's head.

6226574 Thanks very much! :twilightsmile: As far as Fluttershy goes, her behaviour being a little varied was deliberate, though if there are any specific points where this got in the way of the story then please do tell me. You're right that I can sometimes have a problem with perspective-hopping. I've been working on improving that, but this story was started so long ago that it doesn't show so much here! Still, I don't think it harms the story as a whole and I'm not changing that last chapter now, as the last paragraph needs to stay at all costs and I'm not recasting the whole chapter to be Dash POV. :rainbowwild:

Dash and 'Shy were never going to kiss, though. My headcanon (in this story, at least) is that there have been times when being more than friends might have happened (there's one in chapter 1!) but that it never actually did, and that they're now happy as deep, close friends. :yay:

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