The Pleasant Commentator and Review Group! 1,222 members · 156 stories
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Mocha Star
Group Contributor

<2K words


First Impressions

The description didn't pull me in, nor did the idea of a pony eating daisies, only to have Pinkie Pie interrupt said pony. Male or female (I'm presuming female, because what story starts with a male?) it sounds like a cliche story plot. But, one shan't ever judge a book by its cover! Forward; HO!

Plot

Well, it wasn't what I expected.
Overall, a pony is eating daisies and Pinkie Pie invites her to Sugarcube Corner, only to awkwardly eat daisies and talk to Verdant Plateau.

There was little else to the story and it wasn't very consistent or built well. There's a scene at the beginning where Verdant is eating a daisy like it's a chore, another where it's a meal, and another where she chokes on one. It's a daisy, not a daisy and daffodil sandwich. It's neither a meal, nor a healthy snack to an equine, and shouldn't cause choking!

Another issue I have is within the first three paragraphs, Verdant is watching the clouds and one cloud starts bobbing and weaving all over the place. Not being described as an earth pony, I make the connection when said mare watches this crazy cloud acting feral for several seconds before it turns into Pinkie Pie, inexplicably, then scares her with its many teeth. Okay, I'm going to be honest, I was, and am, so confused with this story at this point. Not even a quarter into it and Pinkie Pie is a cloud, then asking if the mare likes cake more than daisies, then scaring the mare to the point of nearly wetting herself.

Oh, let's cut to a bird in a bush. :rainbowlaugh:

Back to the story! :twilightsmile: Pinkie tells the Verdant to meet her at Sugarcube Corner. After three tries, for some reason it takes three tries to find the giant Graham Cracker in the middle of town:rainbowhuh:, Verdant knocks on the back door, because why use the front? That's too common and this is a Pinkie Pie invitation! That's why we use the back door, darn it.

The door opens after several knocks when Verdant pushes on it. Not turns the knob, or waits patiently for a business owner to open it, but she just pushes it open, then another crazy thing happens. It's not a back door into the kitchen, like most back doors into giant cookies that double as bakeries and homes would suggest, no, this one leads into a long, dark, creepy hallway with Pinkie leaning against a wall at some distance in... slowly eating a daisy.

:pinkiecrazy:

No party, no fun, no joy to be had. Just a pretty creepy setting of a long dark hallway, a breeze from nowhere, and brief conversation that made me feel like Verdant was going to be a dessert soon.

:pinkiecrazy:

Mechanics

Grammar/Formatting— Average. Plenty of quote related issues.

Dialogue/Narration— The main idea should be that a pony would either be described or not. Fleshed out in a way that makes the reader connect with the main character. This pony seemed to be content hiding on a hill eating daisies. That didn't show much depth or description that connected me to her, and had it not been for the random bird scene, I'd have known nothing of her tribe. Even now I wonder if she was an earth pony or lazy unicorn.

Worldbuilding— I imagine a white, bland pony with a white mane eating a white flower on a green hill, until she chokes and suddenly has an auburn colored mane. Then a few paragraphs later, she's staring down a long dark hallway in what should be the brightest, best smelling place in the town. Pinkie is told as being creepy, and the town is blank and bland. Not much showing at all, like we're supposed to know enough about the character Verdant to feel her experience.

Pacing— It's quick to jump from event to event and not even little birdie can save it.
:scootangel: (Maybe it should be Scootaloo shaped?) :scootangel:

Point of View— Third person, it was well written this way and perspective worked, no hopping.
:yay:

Character Development

Less than 1,500 words and I don't know anything about the main character and Pinkie seems OOC the second she's reintroduced in the second half of the story, not including her new ability to be a zipping, bobbing, weaving cloud.:pinkiesad2:

Originality

A pony is new to Ponyville so Pinkie shows up and invites them to a party. Bland and overused. :fluttershyouch: The way Verdant is invited is rushed and lacking flair beyond what you'd see in the first episode where Pinkie meets Twilight for the first time and lacks depth of character development.

Impact

I nearly scratched my head when it was over because nothing happened through it all. The most memorable part was both the mare getting lost three times finding the back door to the bakery, and that bird. Who is Verdant Plateau? Why is she even on a hill overlooking Ponyville eating daisies? Is there a reason for her to exist at all, or just to open the door to a Pinkie Pie we all know and sort of fear?:raritycry:

Conclusion

Not enough of a story or plot to go on to feel anything besides confusion after reading and a bit of sorrow for the cast. The title doesn't even relate to the story.
:twilightoops:

Grading Scale

93-100: Masterpiece

79-92: Recommended

63-78: Enjoyable

50-62: Needs Work

49 and Under: Avoid

Scores

Plot: 7/25
Mechanics: 9/20
Characterization: 8/25
Originality: 2/10
Impact: 2/20

Final Score:28/100

Avoid

This author has a lot of other, better, stories. . Read those and enjoy!

Don't forget to comment on the stories you read, writers love comments! :ajsmug:

Hi. Thanks for taking the time to read and review my story. Obviously I'm sad you found it so unenjoyable, and it's fair to say this is a worse rating than I was expecting, but that's your prerogative as a reader. I won't start arguing about everything here. I will pick up on two things, though:

pony with a white mane ... suddenly has an auburn colored mane

You make it sound as though I introduce her as having a white mane and then change my mind later. I don't.

Plenty of quote related issues.

Could you give a couple of examples, please? Thanks.

1234
Group Contributor

5900210
I am really confused about this fic too. Not sure where it was going, or what was being left unsaid other than there being a party for her. Also, I think the title might be referring to her being perceived like a flower: someone who is innocent yet "attractive"? Unless I'm wrong.

Ayo, good review.

Mocha Star
Group Contributor

5900379

You make it sound as though I introduce her as having a white mane and then change my mind later. I don't.

I just mean you don't describe her at all, so when anypone is undescribed, my mind paints her/them as blanks.

You wrote a story, with good intentions, but to me, it fell flat and wasn't built well. Even though it was established in Equestria, you still have to do some description so new readers, as well as old, can have better immersion.

Examples, and suggested corrections, of grammatical issues are as follows. :twilightsmile:

“Hellooo! I haven’t seen you around before! You’re new in Ponyville, huh? Well? Are ya?”

“Hello~!," Pinkie shouted suddenly, dragging the greeting out. "I haven’t seen you around before, you’re new in Ponyville, aren't you? I think so, because I know everypony in Ponyville and I don't know you!”

“Mmm?” Pinkie batted her eyelashes at Verdant in a way that she found more than faintly disturbing.

Hmm?” Pinkie asked as she batted her eyelashes at Verdant in a way that she found more than faintly disturbing.

“Thanks, Pinkie Pie.” She got unsteadily to her hooves.

“Thanks, Pinkie Pie,” she mumbled as she got unsteadily to her hooves.

“Oh, it was nothin’. But now you owe me for it!” An avaricious light flashed in Pinkie’s eyes.

“Oh, it was nothin’, but now you owe me for it,” Pinkie said as a glimmer shone in her eyes.
"avaricious" is a word so complex, even I had to look it up, and it doesn't fit with Pinkie's personality or in context with the events that transpire.

Don't take this one review to seriously. I'm kind of a jerk and I know it. I'm certain you're a great writer and I've added a couple stories to my read it later list, so that's promising! Keep writing and don't let a review take you down a peg, use it to grow!

5900549 I don't think this is the right place for me to start waffling about the meaning behind the story -- anyone's welcome to PM me if they want more details -- but in short, Verdant has social anxiety and Pinkie recognises that she therefore doesn't want a loud, full-on party.

5900592 I have no problem at all with the fact that the story didn't work for you. That's just one of those things. However, I fundamentally disagree with your suggested corrections. For example:

“Hello~!," Pinkie shouted suddenly, dragging the greeting out. "I haven’t seen you around before, you’re new in Ponyville, aren't you? I think so, because I know everypony in Ponyville and I don't know you!”

"~" is a non-standard punctuation mark. You don't put commas after exclamation marks. There's a comma splice after "before". And the final sentence is waffly: we all know Pinkie knows everypony, so it doesn't need stating here.

One other thing that I noticed was that all your changes add a speech verb. Those aren't necessary in context. "Mmm?" is obviously a question; there's no need to add "she asked".

Mocha Star
Group Contributor

5900612
I hope my assistance helps you in the future.
:twilightsmile:

Be well!

5900592
5900612
So, I can't really offer a comment on the story, but having looked through the thread, this caught my eye. None of the quoted, uh, quotes are incorrect. Using an action to signify who's speaking is standard in published works. And, for that matter, the suggestions are generally worse writing than original. They fall victims to gratuitous saidisms, too many adverbs, and overused as-ing.

5900666 Suggestions are always welcome! Even if I don't agree with or adopt them, I'm always pleased to get feedback. I wish you well, too. :twilightsmile:

Mocha Star
Group Contributor

5900753 :pinkiesad2:
Thank you, that means so much to me.

1234
Group Contributor

5900753
Agreed. Those quotes aren't incorrect. The only suggestion I would give to 5900756 is on the first quote, adding emphasis using some italics wouldn't hurt, especially on the "Are ya?" bit. Almost as if she's egging her on to answer, just to get the main character out of her shell. It'll provide some more direct immersion.

5900757
To address the word "avaricious" issue:

How it's written in the story:

“Thanks, Pinkie Pie.” She got unsteadily to her hooves.

“Oh, it was nothin’. But now you owe me for it!” An avaricious light flashed in Pinkie’s eyes.

Verdant sighed and reached for her saddlebags, but her hoof was quickly swatted away.

Avaricious means having or showing an extreme greed for wealth or material gain, so if we were to apply the word's meaning to Logan's usage, we find that the author intended to show Pinkie's desire from Verdant to party with her.

Just wanted to clear that up.

Mocha Star
Group Contributor

5900882
5900612

:rainbowlaugh:
Why am I getting more review than the story itself?

And the avaricious issue, as I saw it, it didn't relate to the end at all.

Pinkie is beaming with greedy hope this pony will party with her, only to be in a hallway eating daisies? Pinkie had to have planned that and should have reflected that in her expression.

It's a word that doesn't fit.

And as I stated, this isn't a personal attack on the story or author, it's a review, which is at its core a professional opinion.

My experience is different than yours, not better or more right, so I hope everyone that's turning this into a 'he's wrong' battle realizes that.:facehoof:

The way I word or structure a sentence isn't going to fit everyone's style, but the way I read the story the sentences were off... Based on my style of writing.
:twistnerd:
I offered suggestions, based on my experience, on a story that is dated and probably behind on the author's current skillset.

They're not changes to be made. I'm not a proof reader here. :twilightblush:
Thete are a couple stories that have piqued my interest of this author's that I plan to read on my own time.

1234
Group Contributor

5901004
Don't get it twisted. Not here to attack you, as I stated in my first comment, I'm still puzzled about the story itself. The thing that was left unsaid isn't defined enough for the reader to catch it immediately. If it isn't immediate, then the story's purpose is just air. Trust me, we're just reviewing the reviewer who reviewed a fic about a horse eating daisies. People have the right to criticize others freely, within boundaries (the whole hate speech argument goes here lul). The comments here are more-so discussion about your review and points. I would've probably rated this slightly higher (still below 49 though), but that's just my POV.

Now, to point out your actual reply to avaricious:

"And the avaricious issue, as I saw it, it didn't relate to the end at all."

The word doesn't have to relate to the end goal. Within limited proximity, the word fits the bill. She desire's the main character's attention, to go to this unsaid party that they agree to (Yes). The whole eating in the hallway and what not is not the point.

Mocha Star
Group Contributor

5901041 :facehoof:
I get it now.
Thanks
:pinkiehappy:

5900882

some italics wouldn't hurt, especially on the "Are ya?" bit

Worth thinking about -- though Pinkie-emphasis is more intense than your average emphasis, and I'm not sure I want her to be quite that excited at that point!

5901004

Why am I getting more review than the story itself?

Occupational hazard for reviewers. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. :rainbowlaugh:

this isn't a personal attack

And it wasn't taken as such. :twilightsmile: Do I think "28/100 Avoid" is a very harsh rating? Yes, I do. Do I honestly think the story's better than that? Yes, I do. Do I take the review as you personally insulting me? No, I don't. Not at all.

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