It has been a year since Princess Cadance had become the ruler of The Crystal Empire, a year that has primarily consisted in political pacification, economic stability and the recovery of the history of the Crystal Ponies, which was erased by Sombra, any attempt of remembering how it was before Sombra raised to power is met with mental blocks that not even the best unicorns can undo.
But news flies of a secret chamber being recently discovered in the Crystal Palace, filled with objects and books that not only date before Sombra but also tells of a moment in the history of the Empire that may explain why Sombra was so decided in erasing their history.
First story, please tell me what needs to be fixed for the improvement of not only this, but ay future story I may create.
This story happened between 3rd and 4th Season, no EG.
Cover image made by mr_minati, if you like it go ask him for one (as a commision of course)
Special Thanks to:
Swift Lance for editing the Prologue
this is so unique in many ways, and this is the first time I ever heard that a story made like this, you should self promote this and tell other people about it because the concept is so unique. I hope you keep on writing because like most other story take months to upload a next chaptet. hopefully this isn't the case for you. so please keep on writing.
6859051 Thanks for the compliment, I've also noticed that there wasn't any story made like this (you don't see what the human does but rather the effects of what he did), but IDK how to self promote.
Well, my university stopped the strike they were having a few weeks ago and the first exams are next week, while I would really like to keep writing I really don't want to fail the exams, but don't worry, when I decided to write this story I already had the ending thought out (I wasn't going to write this without an ending) so is just a matter of writing in my free time and fixing any error or mistakes I see in the chapters I have already written.
But please keep the feedback, I have another 2 stories that are much more larger than this one and I'm starting with this for practise, so I would really like some feedback about any grammar or structural errors I may have so I can improve on the next stories. i.e: what else do you find unique here? I know that the idea of making it as a documentary is one, but what else?
6863065 I'm saddened to hear this short, and you are right. not many stories have documentaries. is unique because the human isn't exactly there. its just like World War 2 news reels. its unique because the human turn pony doesn't accidentally kill him. because like other story evolving the crystal Empire always have that gig. this which takes years and he climbs the military ladder and eventually he becomes absolute dictator, this why I be waiting for the next chapter. ????????????????
Needs a lot of editing, but not bad.
6877915 Well, I'm constantly editing/fixing details that I find here and there. And thank you for the compliment.
Oh hell yes. Favorite and like
6941115 Thank you very much :)
Based off of the description alone, this sounds like a great story. One where the protagonist lets off the biggest 'WHOOPS' in history.
Ayyyyy! I clicked on a random story in the feed and it was yours :D
6964748
Well, I hope you're liking the story so far :)
6877915
And how it is now?
can't wait to see how they portray the empire collapsing when it happens, still love the development of the story so far, although kind of wished for more of audience reactions during the one, but still nonetheless an amazing fic, it is hard to find good worldbuilding fics based off the crystal empire with a more realistic look to things
7391566
Thank you.
Don't worry, the next chapter will have more details about the reactions.
Interesting but it's all in spainish so I can't tell what is going on.
I worry more about what Cadence will do to Chrysalis
7646379
That's another good question.
Same thing happened in Belarus...(did a report on it.)
7647103
Really? What happened (and in what country)?
Nice story
7648166
Thank you, what have you liked so far?
7648167 I've never seen a story like this before
7647283 the elected president went into office after the fall of the Soviet Union. He has filled parliament with his supporters and is known as "the last dictatorship in Europe." In the country Belarus.(Eastern Europe, right be Russia.)
7649313
Well, that one won't last too long.
Thank you for that comment.
7650035 hopefully. And your welcome.
This is one the best stories I've ever read.
I was wondering if you could do a sequel where he's back from the dead or is it too much to ask?
7675030
1.- Thank you for your comment, it gives me the inspiration to continue with this.
2.- No, he's dead, any type of sequel would be to show the total extension of his influence (and if you want an idea of where a direct sequel would go, I recommend you to wait for the epilogue)
you have made one of the best stories i have seen
you get a bow, a clap and a salute.
you are a great writer and id be glad to reed other stories you've made.
that said wonderful story and may "The Great Dictator" live on through stories, legions and old as $h** documentaries.
7676960
Thank you very much for your comment, if you want, you can read my other two stories: a MLP crossover with the Legacy of Kain series and my third story that is Twilight coming to Venezuela (from August of 2015) and living through all the events we've lived through here.
You can also read my first blog which features all the ideas to write I have so far and see if you see one that picks your interest.
7677780
ill be sure to do that
cdn.meme.am/cache/instances/folder165/68395165.jpg
(I'm kidding, but still, when are you actually going to reveal his name?)
7759920
IDK, I'm still debating if I should do it.
7760344 I think you should.
7760611
Could you please give me reasons to why I should? It could help me out on that.
7762509 Well, it's a really important plot point, so will be incredibly annoying to never find out. In fact, it's the biggest plot point of the entire story. So, basically REALLY important. at least for me. it's still your story, but I'm sure a lot of people would like to know.
This needs an editor badly. You have tense issues that plague this throughout this chapter.
Reiterate you need an editor because you're starting to use incorrect language beyond tense issues. It's rose to power rather than raised. Further, Don't use phrases like "the main 6" as those are phrases used by the fandom and not the world itself which can take you out of the experience.
Edit: also, Military Joint isn't a real term...
This wasn't really a problem that I noticed until this chapter but: New speaker, new paragraph. You always start a new paragraph when you switch speakers and never have the same paragraph. Little alone, the same sentence which you actually did and makes it seem like a princess suddenly started talking like Applejack. It's an easy visible shorthand to tell who is speaking.
Example: 2 people conversing.
Wrong:
"Hello, how are you?" "I'm doing fine."
Right:
"Hello, how are you?"
"I'm doing fine."
7770767
Well, I was planning to edit this a while ago (in fact, I have edited for a third time the prologue. You wouldn't recognized it if you compared it with what was originally wrote) but then I found somebody who told me that he was going to edit this for me (and I stopped the edition of the first chapter and the whole story) but he never answered me back.
Since I want to end this story before January 5th (its birthday), I'm planning to first finish it and then I'll edit this whole story again to clean it of its problems and add/take a few things that I want to change right now.
I hope the changes I've made on the last chapters has been for the better and thank you for being the first one to ever tell me which are the problems with this story, everybody just told me "this need edition" but never told me where or in what so, again, thank you.
Edit: The name should be a translation of "Junta Militar".
The human's politics is apparently "peace through power" which reminds me of the "brotherhood of nod" from command and conquer that made me like your fic even more
https://media.giphy.com/media/BIuuwHRNKs15C/giphy.gif
7786417
Thank you, I'm glad that you really like my story.
In the description, erase should be erasing.
7801794
Fixed and thank you for pointing it out.
7801800
I find it horrendous that, for nearly 12 months of this story being up, NO ONE pointed it out. At all.
This needs some serious editing. It's not even just nitpicky stuff either, because quite frankly this is very difficult to read, to the extent that it almost feels like a chore. Which is a shame because the premise is actually pretty good.
Try to find an editor.
7770694
Agreed about not using "the main six" as a term. It makes sense for brony in Equestria HiE's told from the human's perspective. But in any other context it does not fit. "Element bearers" is a possible workaround that doesn't kill immersion.
7770897
Junta doesn't really need to be translated. It's a loanword. Loanwords are left untranslated as their translation is less used by speakers of the language than the original word. A better translation to get the point across would be "military junta". I was a bit confused as to what was going on until I saw the comment you made explaining what it was translated from.
7801995
I myself refer to them solely as, 'The Elements' in my stories. Well, just one of them, no other situation pops up in any of my other stories in which the term is used.
7801803
7802029
Thank you all. I can't believe that this is finally getting people to point out its problems when I have only the epilogue to finish it.
twilight is so naive a kingdom based on what the elements represent whould never work
who is obsidian edge again?
7819131
One of the old members of the KP, the one I paired with Jewel Joy.