• Member Since 1st Mar, 2014
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Baal Bunny


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E

The recent reestablishment of diplomatic relations between Equestria and Yakyakistan has brought into circulation a number of stories concerning a fabled land of sedge grasses in the far northern mountains where the winds seem to speak in sibilant whispers. One pony sets out to learn the truth behind these stories.

A fond tribute to Cold in Gardez's "Lost Cities," the original version of this story won 5th place in the Sept. 2015 Writeoff Association contest, "Distant Shores."

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 17 )

I liked this in the contest, and I like what you've done with it here.

Nice work!

That was quite the different read from the writeoff version. I'm not sure I actually like it better this way, honestly. Maybe it's just because I did enjoy the original as it was, without a character's viewpoint to set the expectation, but I can't say that it holds the same magic or feeling of mystery now. I still think it's a good story, but it doesn't feel the same way it did before.

I dunno... maybe it's just because I read and enjoyed the original. I think I may need to give it some more time to let the original fade from memory some more.

Hmm... I think it's more that the core story, about Far Kobresia, suddenly has a solid place in a solid narrative, and it's no longer a mostly disconnected mysterious description of a far-away place, with a character and life all its own, it's a specific tale told in a specific place, with a specific pony listening to it, and a specific pony telling it. I was actually fine with it turning out to be somepony telling the tale to Double Diamond, and having it be Trixie makes it sweeter still, but it's lost that nebulous quality through the core of it, I think.

Though I will say that it does offer a unique take on the Lost Cities type of story, and that's a good thing, and I think if I hadn't read it in the writeoff, that I would probably enjoy it far more. I did still enjoy it, though. Pardon the expanded thoughts above, I was simply trying to put a thumb on why it felt subtly off from what I remembered.

I reviewed this story!

My review can be found here.

I do think the original was stronger, in that it had an...etherealnes to it this one doesn't quite have. Still, congrats on having it up so fast!

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Thanks, folks:

The consensus I got from the reviews during the contest was that folks wanted the piece to have more of a story with characters and dialogue and all that. And as Horizon pointed out, if a reader isn't familiar with "Lost Cities," they aren't gonna get the original joke at the end. So I traded some of the mysteriousness for some linearity and linked to the original so folks can still give it a look if they want to. And it gave me an excuse to write a scene in a swamp! :pinkiehappy:

Mike

I liked the original, and I like this version. I think the original framework worked better, but it is still a good story, thumbs up:twilightsmile:

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I find it ironic that I usually complain about the changes you make, and then this time around, I liked them and several other people questioned the changes.

Just can't win, can you? :trixieshiftright:

I enjoyed this version a lot more than the original. It felt more intimate and relatable by being anchored in the two characters from start to finish. The seriousness and the joke mesh with each other, while the older version's twist mostly confused me and made me feel uncomfortable.

In my opinion, this is how "Lost Cities" type stories should be done.

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I'm starting to think:

That this could be the first chapter of something odd chronicling Trixie's new career as a mysterious sage. Because I don't have enough partial projects on my metaphorical workbench right now... :twilightblush:

Thanks, though, folks!
Mike

6420527 I love this story, as someone who has read a lot of lost cities stories. I like the idea that Far Kobresia seems like it was created by whoever created the world to be the natural home for the Yaks, the place their lost city would have been after some eventual act of hubris and hate many centuries later. The Yaks were just too stubborn to take what they were offered, they decided to just live in the freezing mountains out of spite. It's like Adam and Eve, immediately after being created, saying this whole Garden-of-Eden thing is way too overgrown and full of animals, and just leaving to do their own thing.

I also love the ending with Double Diamond and the tour map, it made me laugh. I really do hope you do a Trixie-as-mysterious-sage series, heck Daring Do and Dr. Caballeron could be the next visitors asking for her questionable advice!

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Thanks!

Yeah, the city is doubly lost because it'll never be built to be abandoned. Or something. :rainbowhuh:

Mike

Ah, Double Diamond. Every time I run into him, I lament the fact that he didn't become the new Braeburn.

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Well:

He doesn't have the family connections to get himself more appearences on the show...

Mike

7501773 No, the new Braeburn as in the new memetic go-to stallion for gay shipping. You know, 'everypony's gay for Braeburn', that old joke?

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I had:

Forgotten all about that, actually... :twilightsheepish:

Mike

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