What Point Is There In Pushing On When All You Push Against Is A Brick Wall?
Dear Princess Celestia,
Sometimes it’s good to feel sad.
If you feel sad, then at least you feel something. It’s not bad to feel. In all honesty, I miss a time when I felt sad, because that meant I was able to feel anything beyond this heavy weight in my head and my chest. I feel as though somepony unscrewed my head and poured molten lead inside of me, filling me up to the point where I can’t even move.
At first, I couldn’t understand what happened to me—I am in no way a candidate for depression, at least not in my understanding of it. I have a constant stream of adventure, of social interaction, of a complete love of life. I have evaded death at the hooves of others so many times that it seemed absurd that I would want to embrace it willingly by my own actions. And yet, there is an impossibly thick blanket of apathy that has been cast over me, and I cannot shrug it off.
When the feelings began, I did some research into both the illness and my own life, and I was unable to dig up an exceptional amount of information on it. Most cases of depression, which are rare in Equestria to begin with, crop up in cities where the natural desire to roam free in nature cannot be fulfilled. It seems that beyond this reason, depression strikes randomly and indiscriminately, but you know me like I do, Princess. I do not accept “randomness”.
And so I dug deeper into myself. The only possible cause for this depression is the time I spent estranged from the few friends I had in Canterlot, buried deep in my books. The seeds for suicide must have been planted there, but they hibernated for a good long time within me. You tried your best, Princess, you really did, and for that I thank you dearly. But I couldn’t stave it off forever.
I now wonder if Moondancer suffers as well? Was I enough to save her? I’m not sure, because I had you, Princess, and even you couldn’t save me. Maybe you can still reach her.
The book detailed how when depression reaches its climax, often in the form of suicidal action, the sufferer can only see two options left in their life: feel pain forever, or be dead. And even knowing this, even being aware of how I feel, I don’t see any other plausible option. It’s bleak, and illogical, but no matter how many times I run it over in my head, I can’t find a way out. I am trapped in a grey maze, wandering endlessly, bumping into locked bars and turning away from caved-in tunnels.
I have not spoken to anypony about any of this. Words only push a pony so far, Princess, and I would prefer not to cause undue strife where it is not needed.
There were but two other pieces of information I was able to ascertain from my research into depression; the first was that ponies with depression will often carry on, pretending everything is alright, and I must say that I did that in surplus. Even my most recent journey to Canterlot and my delving deep into the world of dreams, now that I reflect upon both events, were cases of me acting—sometimes overacting—to make up for the gaping void inside of me. Yet this goes back further still.
The second piece of information that I gleaned from the book is that depression comes in waves—there will be a period of time where it affects the pony caught within its terrible grasp quite strongly, and then it will subside for a short period of time before returning.
The bleakest part of that news remains the fact that the final stage of depression for many is a state of incredible apathy, where positive emotions no longer exist and the sufferer can no longer tell apart the negative emotions—instead, they all blur together, becoming a haze of misery... and I believe I have fallen into this final state.
I hoped I was wrong. I hoped that one day I would wake up and laugh at the absurdity of everything, the sheer ridiculousness of my situation. I wouldn’t even care how foolish or miserable I had been in the past, because in that moment I would be free of the agonizing state of being that encapsulates me now. But those moments don’t come. I wake up every single day, the weight from the lead growing heavier and heavier. And now I have reached the point where the weight is so intense that I will collapse into a singularity if so much as a milligram of mass is added to me.
I briefly considered heading down to the Ponyville General Hospital and asking for help, but I knew the kind of help that I would receive there. Pills. Piles and piles of pills. I would lose my depression, but instead gain an addiction—and not even at the guarantee of losing my depression. Other times, they work too well, and they give you even more medication to control that, and so on and so forth... until all you are is a pony made of pills and prescriptions. No personality. Just pills. I couldn’t put myself through that... because I would not be myself after that. I’d be Pill Pony #1727, not Twilight Sparkle.
I’ve sent Spike away. He has been living with Rarity, something I arranged for him to do. He’s helping her with a massive order that she received a few days ago from Sapphire Shores. The timing couldn’t have been better—I don’t want him to suffer through this any more than he has to, and being witness to what I’m going to do will certainly do that. I’m not entirely certain how this will reach you without his powers, as I cannot muster the magical strength to do so myself.
The unfortunate reality I am forced to face is that suicide does not make the pain go away; it merely hands it off to others to deal with. When the first thoughts of suicide crossed my mind, I banished them instantly. Even as I lost all will to carry on in myself, I resolved to live anyway. If I had to live, I would live for others. “It’s incredibly painful,” I said to myself, “But it is a pain I will have to endure.” But after quite some time, I could no longer endure it, and suicide became more and more appealing. And as it is such an incredibly selfish act, I did not know for the longest time how I felt that I could partake in it. After a few nights of silent contemplation, however, I came to the only, terribly sobering, conclusion:
I have lost who I am. The bright, curious little unicorn who was tempered in the fires of friendship and who battled against so many of Equestria’s enemies with love in her heart and a determination to keep her life whole, and her friends safe, to become the fourth piece of the Alicorn Tetrarchy, has died. There is only the empty husk of a mare who stalks the cold halls of a crystal palace, forcing herself to breathe in and out. There is but a tiny sliver of me left, a tiny sliver which would easily be claimed should I resort to pills to try and solve this, pushing with all her force to keep going.
But what point is there in pushing on if all you push against is a brick wall?
The world is a beautiful place, and I am no longer afraid to die. At first, I thought that I was selfish for wanting to leave such a world, but as time goes on I have come to terms with my feelings. If I cannot feel, if I cannot love, then I no longer fit inside the mechanism of this world.
If I could still feel for my friends, I would, but I cannot. The only things close to being positive within me at this point (and it certainly more a neutral feeling than anything else) is a curiosity as to how they will take my passing. That is the tiny sliver of me that is left, and it is the tiny sliver of me that I shall die with. I do not want any more pain than is necessary to be felt over my passing. I would like to present full closure. That is the purpose of this letter: to make sure there is no mystery to my actions. And even if I cannot stop them from crying and lamenting their loss, I would like to make it known to my closest friends and family that they did nothing wrong, and that I couldn’t have been saved. It will hurt, knowing this, but perhaps it will help you fully reconcile with my passing.
I wonder now what is worse for those close to me: having to bury my body or having to live with a mare who, even though they can see, feel, and talk to her, is not really there, and is merely existing, not living?
Words only push a pony so far, Princess. Anything you could have said to me, at no fault of your own, would have fallen on deaf ears, on an empty mare who could not take them to heart. I would feel as if you didn’t mean it, when logically, I know that you would. The same goes for words from Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, Princess Luna, Princess Cadance... even my own mother. I won’t make you waste your breath on me.
The time for useless melodrama has passed.
i’m sorry
Farewell and goodnight,
Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle
The parchment lay next to a half empty bottle, the quill lying neatly next to it. A thick book sat on the left edge of the scroll, keeping it from blowing off the desk it was seated on. The book possessed a dull greyish-blue cover, and thick black lettering displayed the title as “The Big Gloom: Depression And How It Affects Equines Of The Three Pony Races In Urban Settings, Volume 1”.
The sun had set, but there was still enough light to cast deep, dark shadows, grossly exaggerated in length, across everything in the room. In the crepuscular shades, a single shadow originating from the next room over swung slightly from side to side. A gentle breeze wafted through the rooms of the now empty crystal castle, carrying with it a few purple feathers as the final twilight set.
If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or tendencies, please considering using one of the following:
1-800-273-8255
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
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6355262
Joke's on you, I read the comment before reading the fic.
But yeah, terribly timed attempts at humour aside, I really liked this. I have a soft spot for fics that consist on a character monologuing about their feelings, and I've seen very few fics do it correctly.
Short, but moving. Good job, Regi.
...... Thank you for writing this.
Oh, Reg, if only this hadn't been the third of these in a week. It feels like we're being cheated, not because of the subject matter but because we're seeing the last page of a doorstopper fic. We get the ending (in both senses) but not the buildup, which is what lets us accept that this character can feel this way and take these actions. If it had been a random OC the backstory may not have mattered but with Twilight (or Pinkie, et al.) we have the backstory and so much source material it's had to swallow the reveal. On the other hand I can accept that there's a lesson here about anyone harboring these demons, no matter what they show friends, family, and the world on the surface. Maybe that's the point? I'm reacting how her friends might react, by shaking my head and saying, "Twilight? Our Twilight? No way. She wasn't like that, I saw her just the other day and she was perfectly happy. Well, she looked happy, I guess."
This helps me understand depression a lot better than I thought it did.
Well, it looks about time for me to crawl into bed, pull the covers over me, and lay awake for hours contemplating what I just read.
did she ded
6356056 she's on the road to valhalla now
6356060
I will carry her myself, making sure she rides eternal, shiny and chrome
Wow. As someone who's had many reasons to fall into depression, but (I think) luckily hasn't, this really puts things in perspective. Others have lamented that this is 'another' suicide fic within the past week or so, but it's still a great read either way. Nice work.
6356018 I was considering naming this story after that album, but because I have an actual 9 part story based on this album, I decided against it
6355951 This story happened BECAUSE of the other stories. I Am Not Okay inspired this as well. It was a different look at what seemed oddly prevalent this week, and it's something that's been on my chest for a while that I have not managed to put into words until today. The only way this story COULD have happened is the way it did.
6356078 I'm very glad you liked it, and I'm glad you've evaded depression for so long.
For some reason, reading sadfics about depressions helps me become less depressed.
Regardless, here's a song to help sum up my feelings about this.
6356174
A very well written piece. I am flattered that you found inspiration through me.
</3 Darqfox
6356174 I would only have took your work to my own heart because I'm suffering from depression as well (anxiety mostly), I know what it feels like to be trapped in my own mind. Twilight was devasted, she didn't have time to climb out of the mine shaft, it was all too sudden.
The difference is, that Twilight wasn't afraid of death here, she was ready for it and wanted it to happen, she didn't want a solution like pills because it would make her look meaningless (although it's just the corruption inside her telling her this, if another side of her took over, then the pills wouldn't be so bad). You made a fantastic job on stuffing reality into a fantasy world made of unreal creatures (I mean it, great job). This will totally scare the kids, and this is totally what Faust would be thinking if she was still on the series.
I can't read.
10/10
Welp, I've read it. It's reminded me of the many times I've felt buried under depression.
From this perspective, I don't like the story. Yes, your comments and links to depression services are excellent. Twilight was both cogent and analytical enough to spell out her position emphatically, which would be pretty in-character if a cartoon pony princess ever got to this state. It emotionally resonated with my own experiences.
But, the conclusion she reaches feels wrong, or perhaps more properly, rushed. I know it's the conclusion that many depression sufferers reach, but when you get down to it treatment for depression needs to be tailored to the individual, and for a character like Twilight, it seems incomplete. If she's read “The Big Gloom: Depression And How It Affects Equines Of The Three Pony Races In Urban Settings, Volume 1”, where's Volumes 2 through 6? She's rejected medication, but where's the analysis of the effects of different pills on different pony races, and the unknown reaction of an alicorn incorporating all three tribes? She's the element of magic, yet no delving into magical remedies at all? Why only think of Ponyville General, what about specialists in the field in Canterlot?
The letter is written as a measure of completion, yet there's so many steps skipped in coming to that completion that it rings false for me. Even if she felt nothing completing the task due to the depression, Twilight still turned the analysis of her condition into a study program, so I can't believe her OCD would have allowed her to skip checking through all those other measures as well. And her OCD is a canon part of her personality that emotions or the lack of would not overwrite, having caused her problems before. If she DID jump to the end conclusion, it would have been a conscious effort to override her own nature, and probably would have been mentioned in the letter as well.
Other than that, though, very well written.
6356374 Thank you! I've already said my piece about your story in the comments there, but regardless of that I want you to know that your story pushed to write something about something within myself that I had struggled to do for a very long time.
So thank you so much for that.
6356398 Do you think Faust would have pushed Twilight to these lengths? I mean, maybe in some sark corner of her mind, but hasbro would never let her make that an actual plotpoint of the show.
6356426 best new meme
6356459 I believe (which just means "muh headcanon) that magic being used to change mental states is outlawed (except with extreme cases like Discord), and is an extremely experimental and unstable field, so she would have never even considered it due to Twilight being Lawful Good and everything. In addition, the magical changing of a mental state is essentially the same thing as the pills, which destroy her personality and build her up to be somepony she is not.
although, good catch there, I had only briefly considered magical cures before I chucked them out entirely. I have no idea why she didn't address them in her letter
I'd say you met your goal pretty damn well, here, in a way that only one who has been there can truly accomplish or relate to. The entire time I was reading it, I was nodding along and going, "Yeah, that's exactly what it's like." I really liked how aware Twilight was of all of it. But as it points out, being aware of depression and its many aspects doesn't make them better. You know what's wrong, but you can't do anything about it. This fic pretty much says it all. I've seen a few suicide letter stories, but none quite as believably-written as this. It looked, well, exactly like real depression. Well done.
You know, I had tried to write something substantial, but this story just has me stumped. What caught me was how clinical, detached, cold, . . . and emotionless it was, and I see now that it was most definitely purposeful and symbolic.
I can't say I hate it, but I didn't enjoy it. That type of finality and despair is something no one should feel, and if this truly is the "final stage of depression," then I cannot understand it. Like, at all. I can't place myself in those shoes, I can't sympathize, nothing. I've got nothing.
And I think that's what scares me the most, how something so vile would cause someone to reach this point of no return and face death like their life and absence means nothing. Or, even worse, that they simply don't care that it does.
That's just about all I can say. You've given me something to think about, that's certainly true.
Welp, I probably shouldn't have read this as my first read of the day. Hit too close home, effectively squashing my want to read right now.
My wants aside, this was a very well written piece of art. As others have said, the story captured, at least from my experience, the feeling of depression just perfectly (excluding the suicidal notes, never felt them myself but in a passing blink). Thank you for the read, even though it got me a bit gloomy now.
6356634 Sorry for inadvertently ruining your day.
And thank you for the kind words.
6356629
this is a good thing. The haze is the final stage of depression for a reason. You suffer through it for a little while before you make the final cut. If you can't understand it, that means you're far enough away from it to stay alive.
6356515 It was somewhat difficult to fit my feelings and viewpoints into Twilight's, but I feel like I reconciled them pretty well. I did some digging through skype logs where I discussed feeling like this to help with authenticity.
thank you, though
6356642
True, but there are some days that I wish I could, for just a moment, experience the true pain one feels from depression, if only so I could stand by someone I love and tell them that I know what they're going through, that you can make it out of the darkness and see the light. But truly, depression scares me, and that's mainly because I felt something like it, and very recently. The intense pains of guilt drove me into a minor "depression," one that marked the first time I've ever entertained the notion of suicide. I blew it off almost instantly, and I'm now back to my normal self, but this strikes a little close for comfort, even if I'm sure I don't have clinical depression.
But I digress. Like I said, sometimes I wish I could understand that kind of pain, but stories such as these and my own small glimpse makes me want to never experience such a terrible thing, even if it helps me understand what people are going through.
As per usual, well done and thumbs up'd. Maybe I shouldn't of read this at 7:30 am, either. Man, you and your stories have become a lot more mature over the last year.
And then after a few hours she unties herself, frustrated that the noose didn't work because she's apparently immortal now. (Just ask Celestia how many times she's tried and failed to kill herself.)
Or would that actually make things worse, knowing that it would NEVER end?
Awesome fic Regidar. 9/11
6356642
Eh, it didn't ruin my day, just kinda put me off from reading for a while. I just went and took my Renault Premium for a spin in Euro Truck Simulator 2 for a couple of hours and that got me back in good mood. Trucking around does that to me.
6356795 thank you i know i shouldnt of read this as it would upset me and your comment may have just saved me trouble sleeping
6356461 Well, Hasbro wouldn't of course, but Faust's ideas are rather creative.
I just came from reading another suicide fic a day or so ago, and it had me really thinking about things. This is the second I've read. I don't exactly know what to say in regards to this... it was depressing, sad, but also says a lot about depression. The outcome was... not one I was hoping to see, but I saw it anyway.
Its not bad, but... you know.
I've been depressed, but who hasn't? I've felt like I'm just a useless sack of crap from time to time, and that my whole being wouldn't be missed if I kicked the bucket. But I'm wrong about that, because I would be missed, but friends and family alike. I know I don't seem the type to be depressed, (if you've read my comments or even know me) but you'd be surprised what's hiding behind smiles.
So, Regi, all I have to say on this, is good work well done. You get a favorite, and a thumbs up for writing this.
Good job man... good job.
*bows*
To anyone who happens to be reading my comment... yeah its been said, but I'm saying it again. Just know there are people out there who care about you, and are willing to hep you out through a tough time. Talk to your family, or a friend, go get a hug, watch a good movie, something fun. Find someone to help you battle through depression, and kick that depression in the fucking face, German Suplex that shit into the ground, and bury it six feet deep.
And here's a hug for everyone, depression or not.
*hug* 
Because peeps deserve one, ya feel?
This has been Dustchu, farewell for now.
6356064 All shiny and chrome, just like she should be. To Valhalla, she goes. *holds up wheel*
Just a small error there, besides that there are no other errors in the story, not even the one where you made me sad for a little bit.
What a perfect way to start out my morning. Don't get me wrong, it's well written, but that's sorta the issue. It's depressing, in the figurative sense, y'know?
EDIT: Wait, did she hang herself? Why would she do that? That takes FOREVER to kill someone.
6356675 The one thing that stopped me from ever having suicidal thoughts ever again (it's been 12 years without one) was that I wouldn't get to experience anything anymore. Even if people and life made me upset or depressed, ending it would rob me and others of ever experiencing infinite possibilities. Not all of them could be good, but they would all be different than being dead.
Everyone is different and so is depression. The solution above worked for me because I love learning and I love hobbies. I didn't really believe in an afterlife, or didn't feel like risking the chance that there wasn't. Ending my life would be an end to the chance to learn something new.
I also lived through a life threatening illness at a young age leaving me better able to get along with adults than my peers. Problems of other people my age (high school) just seemed stupid. Living through this traumatic event made me think it would be a waste to end my life, especially for all the people that worked to save it. I couldn't spit in their face like that.
This story really hit me because I always see Twilight as one who feels the same way about living a life of knowledge seeking. Not just books, but friends, family, and new people. She also lived through so many challenges with her friends, that I thought in the end she would have chosen to live
On another note form my other comment. While this was written well, I didn't enjoy it (it was sad). I read depressing things on this site, but suicide really takes it up a notch. I'll just leave with a virtual thumbs up.
6356795 It would make things worse... Much Worse.
Sometimes the happiest ending to these stories is the one where the character gets what they want. I don't feel as if it is right to come up with our own endings to the stories so that the person lives if that ending would only prolong the suffering of the character.
"I think part of the reason why we hold onto something so tight, is because we fear something so great won't happen twice."
Rest In Peace Twilight Sparkle.
This is a very wise and powerful thought. I wish more people would realize the consequences of their actions before they act.
Thank you for writing this. It has been inspirational.
...Is the closing deliberately parallel to that in Brave New World, or did that happen on accident?
I'm so sad right now. I want to just..... eat a tub of ice cream.
ech
Words can only push a person so far, but that distance can make all the difference. When words fail, actions speak louder. Where action fails, time will forget. She pushed away all her friends, the only people who could have helped. Twilight Sparkle must have truly been lost, because she forgot herself, she forgot magic. I wonder how much just a simple hug could have done, if only there been someone there to give it?
She shattered a world when she left. She shattered a lot of worlds. What will Pinkie do, the pony that could make anypony smile, but wasn't there when her friend needed her most? What will Rainbow Dash do, the mare who never leaves a friend hanging, when she finds her friend hanging? Shining Armor, the brother that swore to protect his sister from all harm, when he finds he failed to save her from herself? Sunset Shimmer, when she finds her first friend and the mare who was everything she wished she could be, broken by less than she herself faces? What happens to the honest mare when the truth tears her world apart? The kind mare, when kindness can no longer reach a cold dead heart? The beautiful mare, when lost eyes cannot see her art?
6358436 thx
6358499 For what?
6358522 Honestly I was having a great day today, and then I read this. Please don't be offended, Regidar, I loved it - I really did - but watching Twilight wrenching her heart this far out, and taking action this far, after having the greatest life anypony could ask to lead . . . I started questioning some things. Some things I wasn't sure I wanted to question.
Anyway thanks, I guess, for just saying what you said. Helped to turn my day back around. Beautiful fic, Regidar!
6357200 it was intentional, but thank you for taking the time to point it out, as it easily could not have been
This reminds me of my personal description of Magic: "A part of the whole that, while apparently useless, acts as a nexus between present and past, between the internal and external; Dreams. The belief in the intangible. Memory.", seems like Twilight forgot the importance of the intangible herself.
I can't say than this made me sad (I know apathy too well for that, ironically) but I still liked it.
6358436 Indeed. That's the thing about tragedy though, isn't it? The what-ifs. Those what-if questions that everybody affected will end up asking so many of. Sometimes, we never stop asking.
6355262 I can't read fics like this, sorry. My reasons are because I know it will upset me, so I choose not to make myself more miserable.