Warning: The following story contains a rule 63 or gender-swap of Twilight and Celestia, which means this story will be a m/m romance. So if you don't like that sort of thing, you know where the exit button is.
Not long after moving into his new home, Prince Dusk Shine gets an unexpected visit from Prince Solaris who seemed to be a bit out of character. Not only that, but the hundreds of letters the Sun Prince accidentally sent, he had them burned immediately.
However, thanks to Dusk's number one dragoness, a few of these letters escaped the inferno.
So what was in these letters that mad Solaris wanted to burn them before Dusk reads them?
A huge thank you to his Highness, PrinceCelestia for the cover art. As well as Shadeol for volunteering to proofread this.
i
R63 so much and i ship these 2 hard
for some reason i read prince Solaris's voice as Liam Neeson's.
Some of the prose is a little bit choppy, also felt a mite tell-y in places, but overall an interesting start.
(First time I've been motivated to read an R63 story, though, so I guess that's something.)
6178872 I can't blame you really, it's been quite a while since the last time I've done a story like this. It's all a set up for the future chapters to come, something that I really want to dive in.
6178883
I'll keep an eye out for it.
Ya i didn't think I'd care for this, but I'm hooked. Can't wait for next one.
I thought rule 63 Spike was Barb?
6179845 Was it Barbs? I thought it was Spines.
6179851 To me, it's always been Barb
oh wow... that was really sweet and touching
that was heartwarming
Seriously needs a bunch of proofreading and editing. Will check back in a while to see what it looks like when polished, because I like the idea.
6186990 Any volunteers to proofread? (P.S. I'm pretty sure that I warned readers that this was unedited.
)
6187100 this deserves a Comady tag
6190119 I've never considered this to be funny. But... if you insist.
6190151 just imagine dusks face when he reads the letter
i love this
For one I`d like to say that making a massive dilemma over Prince's sexuality in this story makes it feel very off. It makes it sound like any other slashfic where the author tries to rush to the point where the characters are intimately engaged. There is no explanation behind the reason for Dusk's behavior, primarily shock. Is homosexuality something that is frowned upon in this version of Equestria? Would it be unbecoming of nobility and the royal family for any reason? The point is, you could have approached this from a different angle. Dusk is meant to be an intellectual character and you intentionally or not made him sound like a teenage girl that just learned of the latest scandalous gossip.
The interaction in the first chapter between the Prince and Dusk was very quick and very out of character, even if Solaris was in a panicked state I highly doubt he would just up and teleport away like that after the confrontation with his student / former student, after a quick exchange of words and a hurried explanation. (If you go by how the Princess behaves in the actual show, cannon wise.) Unless you are aiming to create humour then you have succeeded because so far it looks like a reality show you would watch out of boredom, queue the audience soundtrack.
I would recommend spending much more time on each paragraph as you write and plan ahead so you know in which direction you want your fic to go otherwise you will end up with a pile of mess and plot holes giggity . This has potential, but I`m afraid that unless you take it slower and take your time on expanding on the characters and their alternative universe it will just end up a mediocre take on romance between the rule 63 characters.
6201009 Upon finishing the latest chapter of this fiction I do have to say that I have to correct myself on few points in the comment I have made, you indeed have made some point to explain as to why Dusk did react to the Prince's sexuality in such way. However, I still stand by my view that this is not entirely necessary and really does not benefit the story. I believe that you should honestly focus on Dusk's reaction no to the fact that the member of the same sex is attracted to him, but the individual which has been like an adoptive father, best friend, a mentor and so much more.
When it comes to the names of the gender swapped characters I do recommend doing some research in your spare time on what the community prefers to call them (Fanon names.) just for brownie points and to avoid confusion for those already accustomed to these names.
That aside the story lacks a backbone, the structure is all over the place. It lacks the drive, if you know what I`m trying to say. I've read those chapters and honestly I`m not held in suspense over what Dusk might eventually do - such as confess that he likewise has feelings for the Sun Prince or straight up reject him as you`ve made it fairly obvious that he indeed does like him back.
If you`re still looking for a proof reader (Because you really do need one.) / editor, I guess I would be happy to help.
6201105 I want to say thank you for the comments. Also, at the moment I'm typing this on my phone, I'm in Washington DC. Which means that I don't have access to a computer and have no way to improve the story.
And since I'm here, could you give some suggestions in how to give this slice of life story a hook?
6201367 Sure, I`m always happy to give some pointers. (This is going to be a long one.)
First of all, I would like to offer a suggestion and it is entirely up to you to decide because it is your story after all. You need to rewrite this story. What I`m saying is, you do not have to start from scratch. The premise is great as we do not get enough gender swapped stories that involve romance between two close individuals of the same gender, but this story as I have probably mentioned before really lacks structure. You could, however, edit each chapter instead. But likewise you would have to in one way or another sort of rewrite what you have already got down.
Another point I would like to make is that like with anything else before you dive head long into something you should plan ahead and before hand. I know, it is a tedious process and it just seems so unnecessary when you just want to spend your free time writing something for fun. Trust me, 'preproduction' is important. Give this story, for example. Take the current premise that you have, romance between two characters of the same gender who are very important to each other.
You take that premise and you shape it, make scrap notes and ideas. I generally like to just write out a paragraph that could sum up what the story would look like and see if I like it. It is easier to see what you might want to change then. You can then take that paragraph and break it down into sentences or bits and parts which would then become chapters. You can then tell how you would like to pace your story.
Your story, My Dearest Dusk I believe aims to portray romance through a little accident which lead the main character of the story to go through reeling shock, disbelief and so on - which in the end left us with Dusk discovering that he returns the affection as under developed as it might be (Chapter 5.). However, the chapters are very short and each and every one of them is lacking in terms of development. I can understand that might be your style of writing, but with how little the chapters accomplish do not leave the excuse for having them split as so. As a prime example, the chapters where Dusk is going through the letters should be condensed into one.
If we were to go through basics of the structure, this story should go something like this:
1: Background information, scene and mood setting. Information the reader can get behind so they`re settled down for the story and its themes. This is so anything you might disclose later down the line would not be confusing for the reader. For example, I was highly confused as to why Solaris' sexuality was such a massive deal and took up the majority of the story and then it was made out to be such a silly reason which only seemed to prolong the story. (I know I tend to get back to this topic, I can't help but to notice how much of a let down it is for the story as a whole.)
2: Character development. I will repeat myself, character development! It is important. Odd guard standing around the corner shop doing their rounds? Character development! If they`re in the story and they interact in the character in any way such as even giving them an odd passing look, character development. Describe them, how they look, how they act. Hell, you can tell what kind of a character someone might be by just writing down how they act by standing around idle. Crossed arms, erratic body movement, constant shifting? They`re most likely agitated or irritated. If we are to have heartfelt romance between the two then we need to be able to sympathize with them! The Sun Prince just felt like someone you`d meet behind a till in a supermarket, there is interaction yes but only because it is necessary. Expand and develop.
3: Tension and story flow. Never and I mean never straight up disclose information to your reader. I might as well say, beat around the bush. Through these 5 chapters not only have you pretty much told everyone how this story is very likely to end, but the story feels like it flows way too bloody quickly. I assume you don't want to write a quick 2k word one-shot / one time, romp in the sheets. What I mean by not being straight forward is that you can't just write: "Dusk was shocked." or "Solaris loves Dusk." because its bland and boring. You need to use descriptive imagery to indulge your reader, for example if you were to explore Solaris' feelings for Dusk during even the briefest character development you could do with the "Quickest glance filled with longing and burning desire.", something along these lines. Because you straight up already told your reader that Dusk likes him back, you broke the story down.
4: Take your time. Do not rush chapters, I love a good story with expanded detail. I would much rather read a 30k story of which the only goal was to reach the end where the characters are finally settled happily together forever and after. As I have said and I will mention it again, romance is a delicate subject. It can be approached from multiple points and it can be written poorly just as easily.
TL:DR - story needs character development, structure and its themes settled down properly.
6201367 I guess I should probably shut up and stop repeating myself. If you want to actually act up on the Slice-of-Life tag then you really need that character development I mentioned as well as the story flow and structure. It all comes together by itself at that point to be honest. Slice-of-Life would count as the everyday lives and interactions between a character/s in a story, by developing upon characters you have to have them interacting with the story elements such as other characters. You should focus on creating and introducing the reader with what Solaris and Dusk both have with each other already. Their friendship prior to the discovery as well as their regular interaction with each other should be expanded upon, through this you could slowly present Solaris' attraction to the younger male through subtle hints and his behavior and what not.
At that point you would have your reader's attention and they would most likely vouch for either of the character's happiness, with that you could create tension along the chapters by walking that fine line of uncertainty. Keeping your reader guessing and on the edge if these two can truly find happiness. You should probably focus on Solaris and if he can achieve and gain what his heart truly yearns for and be at peace once and for all.
Edit: there are so many ways you could possibly expand upon the idea and I have so much suggestions that I could possibly rant about it the whole day. But, the point is, you should keep the premise. Dusk finding out about Solaris' romantic interest in him through reading letters he should have never got a hold of (You should find a way to explain that these letters were all but thoughts and letters Solaris would have loved to sent otherwise but never could have done because of his apprehension.), but you should have character development and interaction beforehand. This is so there is actual plot to this story, buildup to the crescendo if you`d like.
6202028 In other words, give it a new beginning.
6202064 Give it a new one over, and develop on the characters as well as the setting. Pretty much, yes.
Edit: Do please what I said into consideration, I am really looking forward to a good Dusk/Solaris shipping fiction and I`m sure you`re more than capable of delivering. Like I said, if you need an editor I`d be more than happy to help with this one at least.
Dear,6202099,
after recently came back from vacation, finished one of my stories, added an extra chapter to another, I believe it's about time I respond to you.
To begin with, I know that I've committed one atrocity to the English language after another, I know that my writing isn't perfect. But really, on a site like this, what were you expecting of all the twenty stories I've posted? A Shakspeare? Mark Twain? Or maybe a Charles Dickens quality of writing from someone who can't think, talk, or write right? In truth, when it comes to quality and style of writing, I'm not any of those writers, I'm me. I know that I tend to think differently because part of the fact that my hearing isn't normal, nor is my mind that tends to think faster then my speech or even my hands when they type.
So even when I do come up with interesting ideas to write, I know people out there will point out that my grammar tends to be wrong and disappoint perfectionists. I'm the kind of writer that whenever someone points out that this word is suppose to spell like this, I would immediately correct it. Or whenever someone points out a plot hole, I make it into a story arch. While I may not be smart, I'm not an idiot either.
Now, what I'm going to do today is that I'm going to write up a Prologue to this first, to give some details in how those letters were sent and what both Solaris and Dusk were doing that morning. And of course, I will come back to these chapters to rewrite a little when it needs to. Also, to your credit, you've pointed out something that I've overlooked when I wrote this. That being Dusk still sees him as his mentor/kinda adopted father/best friend thing, since you've pointed it out, I'll turning that into a plot point.
Also, I want to point out something about the Rule 63/Gender Swap names for a moment, I have, indeed looked into this, and what I've found is that it's pretty much up to personal preference on what their names are and even what they look like. For example, with a gender swap of Spike alone, there are different names like Barbra, Barbs, and Spines. As for me, I'm basing both the names and the looks off of one of my favorite stories on this site: "Upon a Cross and Arrow."
And finally, as to your offer to edit the story, I'm afraid that I have to decline. Now before you start wondering why or get upset, please hear me out. Grant it, you did offer some good pieces of advice in how to make the story better, and I could tell that your rants were done out of good intentions. Yet, at the same time when I asked if you had any suggestions and you instructed me the elements of a story as I if I didn't know any of this, even though I've been writing since my early teens, received good grades in class's that require writing, and even on this site, several stories had at one point or another had become popular such as the Mr. Disc series and even "My Little Girl"... I couldn't help but feel both degraded and insulted at the same time.
I will give you the benefit of a doubt and say that since it's evident that you've just joined the site back in March, I'm going to assume that you've probably never heard of me, nor any of my stories before. And that you've done that out of good intentions. Yet, I honestly hate it when people think I'm stupid because I don't have that good of a grammar so therefore they could talk down to me. If I'm going to have someone help me edit my stories, I want someone that talks with me and not at me.
If you're still with me, perhaps I could offer some advice to you, something that I've learned from being on this site over a year. If you looked for that one story about certain characters, but couldn't find the one you've been looking for... write one. That's exactly what I did when I couldn't find a good OC Alicorn story who the main character isn't Royalty or related to the Princesses. It's what happened when I couldn't find an Equestrian Girls story that stared Discord and what would happen if he'd stumbled into Equestria. Or even when there's no story that featured a twelve year old Lauren Faust going into the world of My Little Pony, before she'd even dreamed of it.
So in a nutshell, if you're unsatisfied and you'd think that you might write better then me, I say go for it. If you know how to write a story and have the grammar to do so, then write it. Write a Dusk Shine and Prince Solaris story that you wanted to read, besides, it's for the same reason why I'm writing this, it's because there's too few of them out there. If you think you can do it, I really would be looking forward to see your story and how it'll turn out. But if you don't think you can, try anyway, experiment with it and see what you can learn from it.
Whatever you decide to do from here on out, I wish you the best of luck,
Your fellow writer and closeted Brony,
-CrackedInkWell.
P.S. Even if no one volunteers by the time this story is completed, I believe I still know a few people who may help me out on this.
6236978 I understand what you mean, but I would like to point out that not at any point I felt or feel that you're an idiot or a bad writer. I tend to be blunt with what to say and to the point and sometimes I do might sound like a cunt. On the other note I never left people much constructive criticism in the past so you could possibly forgive me if I made it sound like I was belittling you for whatever reason.
I also yet again understand your point. All I can say is best of luck with the story and finding willing volunteers to edit/help with the story!
Edit: I believe I have read one of your other stories at some point so technically this is not the first time I would be hearing of you. I only made the comments I made in hope of trying to benefit your writing as after I have read your most recent fiction it made me believe that there are fields which you could have improved upon. I only came to this decision because it felt that your fiction was lacking, especially now since you have explained that you are experienced with writing I find myself confused as to why that is the case. I myself, am not a stranger to writing so this is why I felt like pointing these out.
i liked it it was good
the feels of this chapter
chapter after chapter your good
6252325 Now now, just you wait grasshopper, that confrontation shall come soon.
wow....
just wow....
i have no words of critiecs
6261200 .... So... is that a good thing or a bad thing?
6259173 So you wish it, so shall it be.
6261231 idk thats your. call warning a conversation with me may include but are not limited to: deep thinking, morals and values questioned, philosophy, and random bullshit proceed with caution
dang you just keep shelling these out one after another in such good quality, good job!
This chapter ended up making me move this from tracked to faved, excellent work!
i like it
im confused by this string of events but oddly interested as well...
i am now going to wait for the big reveal
Holy celestia above do you know how to paint vivid picture in my head with your words, you're doing a amazing job!
Argh. It's not privet. Privet is a hedge.
PRIVATE.
I love the concept, I love the characterisation, but please, please get an editor to proof this for you if you can't/won't do it yourself. Some of the sentence structure is just torturous.
Also - “After that, I had to deal with Blueblood-”
I thought she was called Bluebelle?
6277401 Two things: firstly thank you for pointing that out, those have already been fixed.
And secondly...
Why is it that even though I tried to warn you guys at the very start, that you seem surprised when you found out that it's unedited?
6277804 I never said I was surprised by it. I was well aware of that fact going in, but at the same time you have a great story here that's being damaged by lousy grammar and spelling. There's plenty of folks here who offer their help editing stories, heck there's groups dedicated to it, so what's stopping you having this story tidied up?
In fact, I'd be happy to help you with it if you can't find anyone willing to do it on the site. It would genuinely be my pleasure.
6278566 I don't know if you'll understand this, if fact, I wouldn't blame you if don't get my reasoning, so I'll say this once and then give it up.
It's not that I don't want this thing to be edited. I do want this thing to make it easier for some folks to read. However, the only thing that's been stopping me, are the editors themselves. When I started posting stories on this site for the first time a little over a year ago, for a while, no editor would come near me because of the content I ask to be edited. Which is where I developed a weird philosophy: That if your story is interesting enough, you don't go to the editors, the editors will come to you. As stupid as it sounds, it has worked for me. I just keep writing until someone comes along to volunteer that's willing to work with me through patience, an open mind, and is loyal to edit to the end.
So for you, I'm not discouraging you to find me an editor. I say that if you want to find someone to volunteer, I say try to go for it. Just make sure you let them know to PM me so I could talk with them first.
And then they!... Oh, wait, not yet >w<
As much as I love the pacing of this story, I almost hoped this chapter ended in a kiss.
But I will wait. I will wait for the right moment. OwO
6280183 Be patient grasshopper, it shall come. I know the place and time that they will, but not yet.
6266696 Hey, anyone there?