• Member Since 1st Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen Jun 21st, 2016

The Descendant


Thanks, but please don't send me cash "tips." Instead, support this charity: The Fletcher Street Urban Riding Club.

E

In the midst of autumn's splendor Twilight Sparkle, Spike, Applejack and Rainbow Dash head north to participate in the Hoftston Mare-athon segment of the annual Running of the Leaves.

Yet, as they meet the sea something seems to call Rainbow Dash down, down into the fog and uncertainty that rolls in from beyond the Everfree Forest.

What secrets of old Equestria hide in the deep woods and upon the silent shore?

*Resubmitted following revisions.*

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 96 )

Beautifully done. Entrancing, yet so somber, and the ambiguity of the ending is just so perfect...

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I am very glad you enjoyed it. I really wanted to do something "creepy" rather than trying just for a horror show. I'm glad you found it so entrancing. Thank you for reading and commenting!:pinkiesmile:

The name rung a bell, but I wasn't sure. With all the time in the world at my hands, I decided to follow a hazy memory, and lo did I find again one of the first fanfics I had read that had to deal with MLP. And one of the best. Your adventure has stuck in my mind for all the months since i began reading and writing in the MLP universe. Ironic, now, that I rediscover it; now that I am thinking about posting one of my own stories. A stressing event for me, considering how much I fret over the quality of my own writing. And here I find the first fic that actually prompted me to begin weaving an adventure of my own for the characters in my head. Ironic indeed.

So yes, thank you.

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I am very glad that I could write something that made such an impression on you. That it has "stuck in your mind" is quite the compliment, and I am thankful that you took the time to read it and let me know that it did something for you.

Stressed by writing? Well, yes, I can see you being in that position. I have always been as well, especially when I know that I've done everything I can for a story and now it's time for it to "go live". Keep in mind that people are reading your story because they want to find the good in it. Just do your best and write a story that has meaning to you... the lauds and ovations will follow!:twilightsheepish:

Wow... this story was one of the few who were able to bring me 'the feel'.
Damn... I need to think for a moment now.

173969
I tried for something very different with this story than with most "horror" stories I've seen in the fandom. I'm very glad to put you in a position where you "need a moment". Thanks for reading!:twilightsmile:

235937 Definitely enjoyed it. What surprises me is the lack of readers in this fanfic. It even saddens me a bit. But make no mistake: just because this isn't known, it doesn't mean it's bad. On the contrary. I could give a pretty good example, but I don't think the comment section is the place to do so.
But, fuck me. This was one of the few stories who can be really fall under the 'horror' category.
It isn't based on gore as shock value. It doesn't use the 'monster in the dark corner' cliché. It doesn't use Deus Ex Machina to 'force' an emotion upon the reader. No.
This is a horror / suspense story with an original plot; a real rarity around here.

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Thank you so much for such an insightful comment. I'm so sorry that I didn't get back to you sooner, but I've been exceptionally busy!

I'm glad that you appreciate the genre that I used. I am very much a fan of "psychological horror" over "gore". The story is not widely read, but then again my writing style overall is not something that most people enjoy. I've come to learn to live with that!:raritywink:

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment. Sorry about the late reply again!

Beautifully written story. I also prefer psychologicial horror over gore, and this is one of my two favorite horror fanfics, coming pretty close to rivaling Stephen King himself. You were aiming for scary, and you hit the mark perfectly. My little brother tapped me on the shoulder while I was reading this, and I almost knocked him across the room(Don't worrry, I didn't hit him). While reading this, if you can, listen to the song Fiddler on the Green, by Demons and Wizards, or better yet, try and find a instumental version of the song, it goes extremly well with this fic. BTW,the other horror fic I mentioned is Forever Faithful, by konseiga. It starts off really sad, then it gets Scary as Hell. You might want to check it out if you haven't read it already. Here it is. Quick warning, don't read before you go to sleep, it's serious nightmare fuel.

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Thank you so much! I actually had a playlist on YouTube that I was listening to while I wrote this, but now I can't find the composer!:fluttercry:

Very glad that you enjoyed it. I'll check that fic out later if I have time. Apologize to your brother for me!:twilightsmile:

NOOOOOOOO cardinal rule #1 DONT SPLIT THE PARTY:facehoof: nothig good ever comes of such

Very well done! The whole thing had, to me, a very Lovecraftian feel to it. I kept expecting a pony Cthulhu to rise from the deep...
Good suspense/horror is a dying art, and you sir nailed it!

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Heh, I always prefer "creepy" or "mind games" to "thriller" or "gore". I'm glad that you found the story worked as it is!:twilightsmile:

Wow, you really know how to make one shiver in fear...
Just who are these Witches?

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The Witches are the primary antagonists in the sister's past. That's all I'm sayin'!:raritywink:

Good stuff, a well written spike as well, he always seems to get tacked a bit. Have a follow

:applecry: It made me cry, i dunno why
But i liked it :fluttershyouch:

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I'm glad that you enjoyed how I portrayed Spike. He stars n a number of my stories, and if you enjoyed the way I write him please consider reading them as well!:twilightsmile:

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I'm glad I could supply you with a little emotion! Thanks for reading and commenting!:pinkiesmile:

Wow.

Great story, I loved the Spike characterization especially. The worldbuilding makes me want a sequel, but I don't think that's a good idea :derpytongue2:

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Heh, I'm not huge on sequels, but I'm very glad that you liked the world building! Thanks for taking the time to read and comment!:twilightsmile:

....I....I think....I think I'm going to bed now....

....Our Father who art in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy name...
....Our Father who art in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy name...
....Our Father who art in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy name...
....Our Father who art in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy name............

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Yeah, I know they see me. Looking back, I realize I should have said "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall fear no evil" instead.

Still, I really, really liked this story. I liked the small hint that the Bloodspillers were something like humans, and I was rather impressed with how subversive this was. Starting out, I was expecting something similar to Shadow over Innsmouth, with eldritch beings from the sea and all that, with Rainbow Dash being some sort of half-Old-One-half-pony creature. I'm rather surprised that it turned out completely different from that. Though I do have to ask, did they encounter the spirits of the winged deer, the Elder Lord, and the pony family only, or were they also being pursued and hunted by the spirits of the Bloodspillers as well? I can't really see the non-Bloodspillers doing all the psyche-breaking stuff that happened, to be honest.

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The disembodied souls of the Bloodspillers were what were tormenting Spike, making him believe that they were doing... "things"... to Twilight. They were also what were speaking outside the circle, creeping over the altar, and whispering in the woods and along the path. Without taking too much drama out of it, the Bloodspillers weren't done trying to resurrect the Witches (and themselves)... and the good spirits of the perytons, the Elder Lord, and the pony family kept Twilight and Spike from harm.

This is a really dark tale. Quite the psychological thriller.

Holy crap, man. This is a proper Dark fic. A true psychological thriller. It gets in your mind and makes you think. It makes you experience. And that makes it terrifying.

The key to a properly dark and terrifying story, I've found, is the environment. You have to immerse the reader in a place that is entirely horrifying, whether that place be inside a character's mind or an actual physical place, like this one. The way you described the fog and the spectral creatures was done excellently and served to properly create that environment.

And I trust we'll be seeing those Witches again, eh? :raritywink:

I think now that I've read this, the only three tags you've to display your mastery over are Tragedy, Crossover, and Alternate Universe. Everything else you've done, and done splendidly, I might add.

Fantastic job yet again, Descy.

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Creepy is indeed the word that I was looking for in all of this, CS. I don't go in for gore, but a mental thriller is truly what I enjoy. I'm glad that I was able to impart that through this work.

The scene I set with the fog is indeed the key, and it caused me problems at some points. Still, I'm very glad that you felt that it worked for what it was, and how I used it.

So, I still need to write an impressive tragedy, a viable crossover, and a workable alternate universe fic before I can lay claim to the title of "Master of All Genres"? That's a challenge I accept!:twilightsmile:

1585496
I looked at your published stories. Turns out you have a Crossover and an Alternate Universe, but not a Random. So based on what I've read, you need the three I mentioned and a Random. But you've written two of them already; I just need to read them.

Oh, I read that one too and forgot to comment. Sorry. :twilightblush:

I won't, for the hundredth time, mention that this story develops your amazingly consistent head-canon further. :rainbowkiss: Instead, I will congratulate you on writing the closest possible thing to a horror story in the land of colorful, magical ponies. :pinkiehappy:
And for capturing the essence of fear. Because, don't show me clawed monsters and disemboweled ponies - that's not scary, it's hideous and gross. :rainbowwild: Let me, instead, feel the fear, by letting my imagination work. Let me hear the voice in the mist just behind my back. Let me feel the presence of a person (or a pony, or a peryton, or a ghost) behind me. Let my imagination make me afraid to look back bahind me. That is the essence of true fear. The fear of unknown is, and will forever remain, one of the most primal and strongest variations of fear. And you have used it marvelously. If I weren't reading the story in a train packed full of people in the morning (yeah, that's where I do most of my pony reading :twilightblush:), but in dark room in the evening, I would probably be afraid to turn out the lights and go to sleep that night. Heck, even in the train the story was slightly unnerving. :pinkiehappy:

Truly an amazing display of your writing skills! :twilightsmile: Thanks for sharing.

1592287
You and I share an understanding of what we consider "scary", and I'm very happy that you consider this work to be truly worthy of the "horror" title. I'm very glad that you're still enjoying my head-canon!

You should read the stories aloud to the people on the train! You've said that you aren't a native english speaker... how hard is it to read my works? Are they very different from the english you were taught?

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You should read the stories aloud to the people on the train!

I wonder how many people would actually understand it. :twilightblush: Then again, English is taught to almost everyone now. And I'm glad that it is, too! Imagine how much ponies, games, and anime I would be missing if it weren't for that! :rainbowlaugh:

On the other hand (hoof? :pinkiecrazy:), the education I've received was a little beyond what most of the people in my country go through. :twilightblush: I hope it won't sound like I'm bragging, but I passed the CAE exam (true, with the C grade, but only because I was blasted to oblivion for writing too much in the writing part of the exam; and after our teacher reminding us over and over again to watch the limits! :facehoof:). So, having mentioned that, I have no trouble reading and understanding your stories. Well, yes, I've come across a word or two that I haven't known, but that's what the built in dictionary is for. :pinkiehappy: Great learning experience! :twilightsmile: And the style you represent is very similar to what I were taught. It is, after all, still the same beautiful English language. :twilightsmile:
The one thing that is missing in such an education, however, is different accents and speech patterns used commonly in the dialogues (for example, Rarity speaks very differently from Rainbow Dash, and Applejack has her unique - is it southern? - accent). Because, let's be honest here, nearly everything of what you are taught is the proper English. :twilightblush: Fortunately, I have no trouble understanding those as I read them, but it's a little difficult to come up with it when I do the writing (but that doesn't happen often anyway, so it's not a big deal). :pinkiecrazy: It would probably be much easier if I had the chance to go abroad and study the language 'on site' (so to speak) for a few weeks, rather than only having the chance to read it, but I guess you can't win them all. :rainbowlaugh:

Also, having read many fanfics by now (and a few published books too! :yay:), taught me much, especially about punctuation. Because in English, you use commas a little differently, and I won't be surprised if I still use them incorrectly from time to time. :twilightblush:
Also, the famous dialogues. It's kinda interesting actually, because this:

"No, Spike, I have to do this alone," Twilight said.

would be written down this way in my language (well, obviously apart from the actual translation :pinkiehappy:):

- No, Spike, I have to do this alone - Twilight said.

Curious, no? But such a change was very easy and quick to adapt too (unlike the commas :rainbowlaugh:).

Oh, it seems like I'm babbling by now. I hope you will forgive this old fool. :twilightblush:

1597177
Hey, that's an interesting point about how the english you're taught doesn't quite match up with the way it's spoke. A lot of bronies call A.J.'s speach "Southern" but it lacks the "twang" I associate with Southerners. I think it's more Western. Just my opinion, though.:raritywink:

Hm, this is an interesting story that I’m in two minds over. In a technical sense this is an excellent story, but there are a few things holding it back for me.

This story does a very good job of building up the atmosphere with the word count given, laying out the background with the beach, the fog, and the various other elements. This story shows a superior grasp of what true horror is then a lot of other stories I have read/watched/heard. Rather than something like the use of gore or cheap gimmicks, the fear of the unknown was excellently used. The characters were isolated, both in terms of geography, the fog, and from each other, and this helped to build the tension of the story and made me fearful for the protagonists.

But on the other hand, I felt I knew so little that I was honestly perplexed at times about what I should even be scared about. I ended up stopping reading several times to analysis an event that I had just read to figure out what was going on, and this took me out of the story more than once.

I honestly had trouble grasping onto the threat of the story. I didn’t really know what it was until that last chapter, and by then the danger was long over. Without having a better grip on what the threat was, what was at stake, and why I should be scared, I was kind of left scratching my head at times. I think this might at least partially be a personal issue of mine. I’m honestly not scared of the concept of ghosts, and this at the heart of it, this is a ghost story. All those haunted house movies and ghost hunter TV shows more often than not just tend to make me roll my eyes then actually make me afraid, and that may have bled over unjustly into my impression of this story. I think someone who more scared of ghosts would be more scared as they read this story.

Technically I think this is a very good story that I plan on recommending to others on what a true horror story should be. I think my lack of true enjoyment was more due to this story not appealing to myself then anything wrong with the story. That is something that happens sometimes, and something I try and recognize when I review a story.

I plan on reading other stories you have written. Just need to decide which one to try out next…

1862857
First off, let me thank you for taking the time to write me such a note. It means a bunch to me that you would take the time to write me such a great one!

I can understand your point, but I had hoped that the sense of "creepiness" and "unease" had provided an outlet for the tension other than the "ghosts" themselves. I agree, of course, that television shows and the like have take a lot of the hidden fear out of ghost stories, but I hope that I have returned some of that with this work.

I'm glad that you enjoyed the work on a technical level. I look forward to your thoughts on my other works!:twilightsmile:

Now, i'm pondering what to poke you for a crossover fic. Kamen Rider is a favorite. I'd go with Blade or AgitO, personally. There's a reason that O is capitalized, folks. W/Double is another favorite. Figure 17 would be a highly interesting crossover. ...And now i'm pondering how to do it myself.... Hm. Something to think about for me, and you. I'd be interested in seeing Fate/Stay Night, a little, as well, if only due to seeing a sword forged of crystallised Hope in this version of Equestria. Ahhh, Excalibur...

2218943
Heh, might be a little difficult, as I've only ever heard of those anime's by reputation!:raritywink:

When you say Rainbow Dash "ignited her wings", I think you mean "flared her wings".

2372794
Interesting. "Flared" her wings, in my mind, means that she spread them. "Ignited" suggested to me that she began beating them. I can't even remember where I wrote that. Any better in context?

Do you live by the sea? I've visited the coast once I think, and when I was in Quebec there was a time or two I swam in waters that connected to the ocean; but I was never there for long, and never with fog.

Wow. That's just... wow.

DAMN I wish I could draw something from this, but a) I'm not that good at compositional drawing in the first place -- as in, if it's more than just one person or object I can't get them nicely together -- and b) I've never really figured out how to draw ponies yet.

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I've been down to the sea several times in my life, and have even crossed the Atlantic several times on the Queen Elizabeth 2, so I have a connection to the ocean.

I'd love to see you try your hand at drawing anything from my stories!:twilightsheepish:

A very good story of fear and suspense, I loved it :pinkiehappy:

2754032
I'm very glad that you did enjoy it! Thanks for reading and commenting!:twilightsmile:

Finally got around to reading this one while working through my "Read Later", and I am impressed. I've been considering trying to write an Everyone-rated horror story myself (after all, I need something to round out the dozen or so half-finished slice-of-life/comedies in my Projects folder), and I think this just set the bar for me.

I had some trouble pinning down exactly what style this reminded me of. I considered Lovecraft and King, but in the end, I think I need to put you with Poe - no outright terror, but more an unsettling sensation of wrongness.

I'd applaud you on possibly causing me to lose some sleep tonight, but I share the room with an infant, so that was going to happen regardless.

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