- Member Since 20th Apr, 2015
- offline last seen Yesterday
Qiscord
A quiet mouse who worries too much. I lurk often and write rarely. I swear I'll finish something, someday.
Qiscord
Joined 20th Apr, 2015 ·
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Your premise is interesting but it could use some fine tuning, your grammar needs to be improved including paragraph structure and spacing out your sentences, especially in the beginning, you could give a little more depth into why Sunset want's to hypnotize her friends as well. Also try to be a bit more in depth with your descriptions and details of characters, settings, and personalities and the pacing seems a bit fast as well, things just seem to happen without any build up. Otherwise your premise seems fun, it might not be a serious one but wacky premises need to be taken all the way, embrace the insanity...just do it in a way accessible to readers. As of now your story is simplistic at best, I suggest re-writing the first chapter or chapters a couple more times, re-reading them, getting a editor and maybe a collab partner or beta readers to aid you in your endeavors, just make sure they are good as well if not better.
oha
I wonder if Flash Sentry will play a role in her plans at some point. He and Twilight kind of had a thing. Maybe she should consider outfitting him with a slut—I mean girl— to keep him occupied. Like Trixie. That has the added bonus of keeping Trixie out of their hair as well.
If I may I would suggest putting this stories in the group called bimbofication,bimbos, and sluts just a suggestion. Nice story btw
I like it. Very nice for a first hypno-fic. Little straight to the point, but that's not the worst that can happen to a clopfic
Apart from Sunset seeming to be completely evil, the way she talks seems to indicate she hasn't changed, this is really good. All I can say is that I hope Sunset adds Trixie and Colgate to her sure to be growing harem.
a?
6095481 Thanks for catching that. I write on mobile, and the keyboard I use frequently glitches, so I've had to find and get rid of many random letters. I guess one slipped through.
6091856 Love how you talk about paragraph structure yet you present a wall of text lol
are the dazzlings possible targets?
6100465 Eh...I don't put much structural integrity into my comments I'll admit that.
Well, this seems to be an interesting story to follow^^ One question though. Will she always put them under by using that chemical, or will she use other methodes as well?
6102397 There will be varied induction methods, as well as fetishes; I assure you am by no means a one-trick pony.
6102601 very very good^^ Definitaly looking forward to the next chapters then^^I hope the build-up to it will be a bit better in the next one though. This one seemed.... odd^^;
Weird. I always saw Rarity as a Bondage type.
No futa? Thank Celestia.
Really liked how you kept it from Rarity's perspective. Only thing is the control trigger at the end was fairly abrupt; Pinkie's safe metaphor had been good and I'd been hoping each would have something to go with the trigger. Still, this is turning out to be a very nice hypno-clopfic.
Interesting, I'll keep an eye on this.
I like
Sunset really doesnt waste her time with smalltalk before she goes to work, huh?^^ I love the trigger though^^ Putting Rarity under by having her say dirty words... nice idea^^
6172008
I won't give anything away, except for the fact that this chapter is taking me a long time to write because I'm exploring something I'm not totally used to working with.
Reading it? Of course.
Writing it? Different story.
Except in Canterlot High.
Also, Fluttershy's excuse for why what Sunset is doing isn't rape is completely insane. Moreover, it falls apart even when you apply it, since she also hypnotised Rarity, who even Fluttershy didn't believe is gay.
Well, this was surprisingly good. Very few people know how to do hypnotism right, most of them just writing it as "making them robots/horny". You really hit the surreal mind-bending type stuff that makes it more interesting, not to mention you seem to focus a lot on the girls liking it from both ends.
I couldn't find any grammar or spelling mistakes yet, or at least none so prevalent that they stuck out or ripped me from the story.
The story actually makes sense to me. Sunset doesn't seem to be acting malicious about what she's doing, and does show concern about the ethics of her actions (which doesn't stop her, thankfully kek). The plan itself seems kind of vague, but I do get the sense it will make sense later. Fluttershy seems out of character to me, what with her being a dom and all, but you do it in a way that's pretty acceptable imo.
Visuals are nice, I haven't felt confused about how things look or are positioned, except for the Rarity reflection stuff which left me really confused spatially. But yeah, all the other stuff is more than acceptable when it comes to visual descriptions.
Overall this could very well be an 8 or 8.5 out of 10 for me by the time it ends.
Keep up the good work, I'll be waiting for an update!
Pretty good, hope you do Applejack next.
6272140
Nah, I bet it's Rainbow Dash. She's loyal like a good dog, and so eager to perform tricks!
Get Octavia!
is it just me or is sunset going to really work fluttershy the next time they have alone time?
Wow, nice. Chapter turned out great. The
plotclop thickens.Now there is the question whether Sunset Shimmer hypnotizing all their friends was really her idea. Is there more to this than sexy shenanigans after all?
So... Flutters is going around hypnotising Sunset and her friends.... while Sunset is going around hypnotising her friends? Did I get that right?
6473243 Yes and no.
6473307 can you be anymore cryptic please?^^
lol^^
That, sums it up pretty nicely, yes.
If Sunset's not careful, Applejack might end up being attracted and submissive towards dogs.
... Huh. Now that'd be a twist.
I know it's not the focus, but I'd like to see Sunset hypnotise Twilight so she'll get over all this blushy mopey nonsense and just go out with Flash. Princess really needs to unwind anyhow.
Hoo boy.
Quite.
Headshot +50 XP
You forgot to capitalize the T in the.
Why?
I'm suddenly reminded of when Zam Wessel almost spills the beans about Jango Fett's identity in Attack of the Clones, except Fluttershy does it.
Qiscord, buddy, look at me. However long it takes, it will take however long it is for you to write it, edit it, upload it, whatever, you do have other fics, and other things to do. We can wait.
That amulet totally is going to come back to bite them.
Though at this point it would seem the heroes are at the advantage; knowing who to target and free from control. I'm almost bummed that Sunset and Fluttershy were freed so easily.
6797716 Yeah... I had some qualms about that as well. But our heroines don't have every advantage... The Dazzlings have the edge in that this has been going on for months... And, not to spoil anything... But the Mane Six weren't their only targets, and even though Floots and Sunny are free... Who's to say the others are?
Feud for thought. c;
Starting when Rainbow and AJ enter this chapter you switch to present tense in your narration, it's incredibly distracting.
6798854 That's what you get for writing chapters in piecemeal... I think I fixed everything and changed it all to present-tense. Thanks for catching that.
6797932
Equestria itself just seems unassailable. But I guess the Dazzlings power is increased there as well. And it's not like the heroes can just sit back and leave the other dimension to rot; they have to go stop them.
6799301 Uh, you made it worse. It should all be in past tense. Third person narration is always past tense. Read your previous chapter, that's correct
Well, I have to say this chapter was worth the wait. Damn...
A chapter worthy of the wait, no doubt ^^
Well... damn, I would love for the finally to be adagio having her hypnosis turned on her, but I have a feeling that won't happen, loved the chapter, keep up the good work.
Dammit!
I just clopped too... couldn't you have posted it like ten minutes earlier?
Neither side seems to have revealed their plans, yet. I wonder if one of the enslaved six had any secret instructions in case of Shimmer/Fluttershy being freed.
Man this is getting good. And darn it!!! Nooo Sonata!!! I'll save you!!!
Yup. That's FIMFiction for you.
Aww, shit. Adagio better get what's coming to her. Hope Sonata and Aria join the Rainbooms
wow, hypnotic music.