Your premise is interesting but it could use some fine tuning, your grammar needs to be improved including paragraph structure and spacing out your sentences, especially in the beginning, you could give a little more depth into why Sunset want's to hypnotize her friends as well. Also try to be a bit more in depth with your descriptions and details of characters, settings, and personalities and the pacing seems a bit fast as well, things just seem to happen without any build up. Otherwise your premise seems fun, it might not be a serious one but wacky premises need to be taken all the way, embrace the insanity...just do it in a way accessible to readers. As of now your story is simplistic at best, I suggest re-writing the first chapter or chapters a couple more times, re-reading them, getting a editor and maybe a collab partner or beta readers to aid you in your endeavors, just make sure they are good as well if not better.
I wonder if Flash Sentry will play a role in her plans at some point. He and Twilight kind of had a thing. Maybe she should consider outfitting him with a slut—I mean girl— to keep him occupied. Like Trixie. That has the added bonus of keeping Trixie out of their hair as well.
Apart from Sunset seeming to be completely evil, the way she talks seems to indicate she hasn't changed, this is really good. All I can say is that I hope Sunset adds Trixie and Colgate to her sure to be growing harem.
6095481 Thanks for catching that. I write on mobile, and the keyboard I use frequently glitches, so I've had to find and get rid of many random letters. I guess one slipped through.
Well, this seems to be an interesting story to follow^^ One question though. Will she always put them under by using that chemical, or will she use other methodes as well?
6102601 very very good^^ Definitaly looking forward to the next chapters then^^I hope the build-up to it will be a bit better in the next one though. This one seemed.... odd^^;
Your premise is interesting but it could use some fine tuning, your grammar needs to be improved including paragraph structure and spacing out your sentences, especially in the beginning, you could give a little more depth into why Sunset want's to hypnotize her friends as well. Also try to be a bit more in depth with your descriptions and details of characters, settings, and personalities and the pacing seems a bit fast as well, things just seem to happen without any build up. Otherwise your premise seems fun, it might not be a serious one but wacky premises need to be taken all the way, embrace the insanity...just do it in a way accessible to readers. As of now your story is simplistic at best, I suggest re-writing the first chapter or chapters a couple more times, re-reading them, getting a editor and maybe a collab partner or beta readers to aid you in your endeavors, just make sure they are good as well if not better.
oha
I wonder if Flash Sentry will play a role in her plans at some point. He and Twilight kind of had a thing. Maybe she should consider outfitting him with a slut—I mean girl— to keep him occupied. Like Trixie. That has the added bonus of keeping Trixie out of their hair as well.
If I may I would suggest putting this stories in the group called bimbofication,bimbos, and sluts just a suggestion. Nice story btw
I like it. Very nice for a first hypno-fic. Little straight to the point, but that's not the worst that can happen to a clopfic
Apart from Sunset seeming to be completely evil, the way she talks seems to indicate she hasn't changed, this is really good. All I can say is that I hope Sunset adds Trixie and Colgate to her sure to be growing harem.
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6095481 Thanks for catching that. I write on mobile, and the keyboard I use frequently glitches, so I've had to find and get rid of many random letters. I guess one slipped through.
6091856 Love how you talk about paragraph structure yet you present a wall of text lol
are the dazzlings possible targets?
6100465 Eh...I don't put much structural integrity into my comments I'll admit that.
Well, this seems to be an interesting story to follow^^ One question though. Will she always put them under by using that chemical, or will she use other methodes as well?
6102397 There will be varied induction methods, as well as fetishes; I assure you am by no means a one-trick pony.
6102601 very very good^^ Definitaly looking forward to the next chapters then^^I hope the build-up to it will be a bit better in the next one though. This one seemed.... odd^^;
Get Octavia!
Pinkie singing the cake song and then getting hypnotized by a Twilight clone... like that would ever happen