- Member Since 12th Jan, 2015
- offline last seen Jul 16th, 2017
dinkyseviltwin
Writing the childhoods I wish I had.
dinkyseviltwin
Joined 12th Jan, 2015 ·
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Those things in front of Apple Bloom are heads, right?
5521272
5520913 Rewriting another author's story in your own words is still ripping it off. The plot, events, conflicts, and character development are all stolen. I understand wanting to write a story inspired by another. I myself am writing a story inspired by The Sweetie Chronicles. The difference is the plot, characters, conflict, and even genre are all different. Instead of one canon character, an OC from a previous story and his wife are traveling the multiverse, and instead of tracking crystals, they're hunting demons they accidentally released. Also, it's more of a light-hearted comedy. Do you see where I'm going with this? Just writing a story about Applebloom's sexual adventures after turning into a colt is fine, but make everything else your own. The potion idea is a good start. That could have been a great way to introduce the problem.
Look, if you want, I'll even help you come up with a story you can write with the same premise but more original. Heck, I'll even help you with prereading if you want. The only thing I ask is that you take this down. You didn't put any real creative work into it, and it isn't right for it to remain.
good story
not rly sure why more people dislike it then like it
this story is better than a lot of other fan fics that are liked by more people
can't wait for the next chapter
And then....
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"
It was....Cheerilee!
Apple Bloom is going to double the foal population of Ponyville if some adult doesn't pull their head out of their sex-shy shell and start be-splaining the birds and the bees
the question is now are they old inouth 2 even get fouls becouse i think they are still 2 young for that i mean they are still kids. it would be smart 2 use that if the writer even uses it. it would stop the need or writeing parents explaining pregnancy.
5564499
I really need to get to writing that part. Shouldn't be more than 20 chapters away though!
5565976
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw8773-applebloom_justasplaned.gif
why did you remove those chapters?
5596049
I was trying to get my story un-revoked.
Equestrian sex-ed (in this story) is IDIOTIC, and supremely contrived. It practically begs the question as to, why haven't any of the foals be asking for more details? Especially the CMC? And Diamond Tiara shouldn't get off the hook that easily. Her tricking the CMC is what started this whole shenanigan in the first place.
5619976
Sorry. It's not that contrived though. It wasn't a lot different than my sex-ed actually, although my parents did give me a book. Thus why I'm here today writing clop as my only sexual outlet.
Remember, these ponies don't have the Internet.
5620776 You make a good argument, but i also think that the way the 'real' colts were taught about sex-ed is pretty much throwing them towards masturbation and homosexuality. The fillies were actually taught a cause, but not the effect of what 'boy stuff' does to cool their heat.
I'm not trying to be too critical, just pointing out holes. Keep up the good writing.
Funny to see someone go the 'no, Filthy's just as bad as his parasite daughter' route for once.
And this fic is getting hilarious. The incoming plague of teen pregnancies will be a hoot. The potential incoming plague of mares knocked up by local colts crusading against estrus - also hilarious, if squicky.
5622303
You're right, and it is very nasty what's going on. I do want to correct you in that the fillies are not taught a single thing about 'boy stuff', or any aspects of intercourse. This, Apple Bloom and Scootaloo managed to figure out on their own. The only widely shared knowledge among fillies is that their mothers, older sisters and such, get help from stallions every year (somehow). So it's not that bad. Sex-ed isn't literally teaching them to have sex and not telling them the consequences. It's just um... inadequate in general. About the level of fillies in Ask Fapplebloom is what I'm aiming at.
5635138 I just wish i could actually see the fillies' parents' faces when they find out their daughters are nocked up. Especially when they get told that it is their fault for not explaining the 'fact of life' to their children.
I just thought of something. If (and WHEN) Apple Bloom does get all these fillies preggers, s/he will probably stay a colt, and later be a stallion, yes? Biggest herd in recorded history?
Before I say anything else, I must commend you for your perseverance and dedication. If a story of mine received such a negative rating I'd most likely just flat-out stop working on it and proceeded to weep over my supposed incompetence in a dark corner...
Anyway, I've read every chapter available of your story so far—even those deleted ones thanks to saving the whole thing on my HDD when I first stumbled upon it—and I must admit that I generally enjoyed it and even found some parts amusing.
As for your work being very similar (at least at the beginning) to some other story... honestly, as long as you hadn't outright plagiarised the piece that inspired you, I don't really care; this entire fanfiction thing is based on derivation, after all. I haven't read the latest "[CENSORED]" chapter yet, but it is clear as day that you took your own spin on the story after Scootaloo's affair with AB.
Okay, let's talk about the story itself for a change. I won't give you a review of any kind, mainly because I don't consider myself a capable enough person to undertake such a task, but I will nevertheless note the things that grabbed my attention in some ways.
In some paragraph you've mentioned that AB in her colt body was only a head shorter than her hulk of a brother. From that point on I stopped looking at this fic as a foalcon story, and saw the characters in a new light—at least from a stricte biological standpoint. They were no longer little kids on the brink of puberty by human standards, but individuals capable of bringing their offspring to term without much danger to their own physical well-being.
I'll just assume that a pony's sexual maturity process in your universe is wholly different than that of a human, and for the sake of my own sanity I will cling to that notion like a drowning man to a lifeline, especially given the consequences that the actions of our youthful characters will surely (I hope
) entail. I guess I just dare to expect that their bodies are more 'reasonable' in a way, as in not to allow a kid who is neither physically nor mentally prepared to bear a child to become pregnant.
I also can't help but comment on the flawed sexual education system in the Ponyville community. If my previous assumption is even slightly accurate, then whoever designed their core curriculum will be in a heap of trouble... for not taking into the account the possible influence of a mischievous spirit of chaos
The attitude of the adults doesn't help either—with the colts's level of knowledge being proof of that.
The only thing that's stopping those poor, confused colts from going wild on the estrus-addled fillies is a misguided perception of their predicament being a contagious ailment; a carelessly constructed deterrent instilled in them by their respective authority figures. Now enter Apple Bloom, a savior, a sage, freeing them of their superstitions and lifting the veil of ignorance clouding their minds, all the while offering new tantalizing pleasures of flesh seemingly without any consequences. They would be mad not to accept... not to say downright mean to their suffering female colleagues.
Ha! In in the wake of the inevitable population boom those prude adults of Ponyville will just wish their school had better sexual education. Reforms are sure to come...
Of course all of this rambling becomes pointless if you decide that the characters in your story are simply not fertile during their first heat, or the lingering effect of the Moon Tea prevents them from being impregnated. Oh well, I'll deal with it somehow... it's not like pregnancy and impregnation are my two biggest turn-ons...
*sniff*
As for the grammar department in your story:
I haven't noticed any major problems that would overly distract me from reading, the occasional typo or duplicated words notwithstanding, although your punctuation could use some touching up. It's mainly the case of some forgotten commas and dashes, but it is still something you can improve.
The only real complaint I have is that, as of the last few chapters, you have stopped using anything to indicate a scene change. This was especially noticeable in the latest chapter where the transition between the flashbacks was a bit confusing at first for me.
Wow, I've written a small novel here... time to wrap this up.
I think you should give the readers a chance to read the chapters that you have unsubmitted. I'd suggest putting up a link (to GDocs perhaps) in the top author's note in the "Scootaloo in Perspective" chapter. I don't know if the mods made you do it or if you've made that decision on your own, but I can certainly say that my experience with your story would have been different if I hadn't had the opportunity to read it as a whole.
Lastly, it's too bad you fell victim to a knee-jerk reaction of people that thought "Boy Stuff" was a complete rip-off of another story. It certainly doesn't deserve the awful rating it currently has accumulated.
That said, I will be looking forward to future chapters of your story—and to what extent will our gender-bent protagonist contribute to increasing Ponyville's population
5646063
Wow, I don't know what to say. I'm honored you'd give such an in-depth review. Even if you pretend not to be qualified to do so out of modesty. I'll try to address some relevant points if I can.
Just a forewarning, I might have to delete your beautiful comment too. I had to get rid of references to a certain story, and I sort of had to do so for the comments too. I hope your opinion that my story is derived from another one isn't enough to make it get removed again... I'm probably just being too cautious in that regard.
"If people aren't mad at you, you're doing something wrong." - Riley Freeman
Also I sort of wrote like 23 chapters before even posting it here. I wasn't going to post it at all, but someone told me they enjoyed it and I should share it instead of just hiding it in obscure corners of the Internet.
One teeny little problem with that. Have you seen the size of these ponies' heads?!
I meant "only a head shorter" as a joke about how insecure s/he was about being small. Though I do imagine him pretty tall for a colt. However, you are free to imagine the characters as tall or small as you like! Or write your own version where they're all sixteen year old anthropomorphic beach bums!
It's not the mods' responsibility to make you do anything. They just revoke your story, and wait for you to do something to make them change their minds. The reason given was "seems to contain play-by-play copies" that my story was "like changing around and rewording some of the sentences" and "they look close enough." So I removed anything that I could possibly imagine as what they said, and I don't know if I went overboard or not. I already have bad enough judgement to post this story in the first place, and judging how to deal with admin dislike is not any easier. I'm actually kind of nervous about the times where the characters mention what they've done, but I hope that won't need to be removed too.
I would definitely be more confident if they'd told me to do something, but it'd probably be along the lines of `throw your work out and write another story` if they did, so I'm not really going to make a big deal of it. There are... honestly very few places where I can share this safely and confidentially, where anyone at all who wants to read it will see it, where it won't get banned for being underage, where it won't get banned for being bestiality, where it won't get banned for being derivative of a commercial work, and where it won't get banned just for being porn. I'd rather not spoil my only chance here by trying to argue with them or provide content that the admins might not like. They said "We don't suspect any particular malicious intent from you here, so there's no penalty associated with this action beyond revoking the story," and I'd really like to keep it that way.
Any advice here would be appreciated... I don't think I can post a Google Docs link because it'd oppose their decision. Is that just being paranoid?
5655555
I have censored the one direct reference to the story you were inspired with; I hope you won't have to trash "my beautiful comment" now
When I imagine mlp:fim ponies in my mind's eye, I see something like this https://derpibooru.org/827393 or this https://derpibooru.org/284266 instead of their overly cartoony renditions from the show. I guess that must be the reason for my—slightly far-fetched from your perspective—assumption.
And that's just what I will do!
Heh, I'd very much like to do that... writing my own story that is. But to my great frustration, I seem to be suffering from a lingering case of writer's block. I have several stories in the works, all of them outlined in detail and some even partially written and needing only the finishing touches to finally be submitted, but for some reason I can't force myself to finish them. Even a short story I tried to write for the sole purpose of breaking that block got into a standstill...
I guess that recently I have started writing longer than usual comments to hopefully—*ekhm* let's not jinx it
I wonder if that would be enough basis to sue her to pay child support
As for that matter concerning the unsubmitted chapters:
I don't think that simply linking a GDocs document outside of the actual story would be much of a problem, whether you do it in an author's note or on your profile page. It's not like it would be leading to content which is banned on the site, like... SONG LYRICS, or underage human pornography. But then I must admit that I have no experience in interacting with mods, so I don't know how they would react. I wouldn't want to coerce you into taking actions that might later cause unintended consequences (although I really, really doubt you'd get a permanent ban for something like that), so I'd play it safe for now and just ask a mod if you're allowed to do this.
Wish you luck
5596049
It appears that the chapters that are missing was thought to be plagiarized, and the author was forced to rewrite his story so that it would be unique to this story. Either that, or the entire story could be deleted because of plagiarism.
I really would like to see the work before it was forced to be rewritten, if only to see what story it was that some were saying that it was grossly stolen or plagiarized from.
5657862
In short estrus happens appelbloom has it so bad that she asks discord for help. discord turns her into a colt and appel bloom now helps other fillies with their estrus.
I know it's a bit short this way and i hope it gets rewritten but wat can you do.
The Discord thing was the problem if i heard it right but i'm not sure
5661142
I've honestly been working on my own stuff ...slowly, instead of this story so much. I think most people would prefer it that way. Need to get it posted now that I hacked together an icon...
I don't really know how to "rewrite" those middle chapters in a way that isn't considered plagarism despite providing attribution.
As for the short chapter with Twilight: well, you have to give it to her, she is nothing if not thorough... but in doing so, she brushes over one of the more general but also very important conclusion of sex-ed—unless you want to pop out a foal in 11 months, you better not get frisky with boys during estrus... without protection at least
This looks like one of those comment graveyards.
5674949
I'm sure she'll get to that lesson one day......... whether she wants to or not
5675004
It really does... I wish it wasn't so ugly. You can call me everything but a child of God and I won't delete the comment. I was only deleting comments because they connected my stuff here to another particular story, after I got in trouble for that.
Wow 7 comments deleted
The like/dislike ratio really doesn't do this story justice.
Can't wait to read more!
That ending though. xD yeah if the guy's doing the work he'll fall asleep after it.
My only issues is u named Derpy dipsy and didn't spell her last name right Doo not dew
Dude really i mean this is so transparent discords bucking sun and moon butt and sweetie wants to buck AB same as all the mares near her and why did you removes chapters it leaves a massive hole in the story just rewrite so its acceptible to post
Can somepony plese have them getting caught it be funny and really no more dt stuff shame
Twilight should not teach ever
Doesn't this story already exist?
5683784
That's somewhat apocryphal! But it is a thing that happens at times, and Apple Bloom certainly was up way past her bedtime.
5685005
So sorry you were deceived by Hasbro to believe the false heretical spelling of her name.
5685232
Eh, I don't really know how, plus it'd be a lot of effort for an already trashed story.
5692686
Get caught already? But we haven't even got to the musical number yet!
Not a bad story so far, thank you for posting.
Seems we won't be seeing mass pregnancy after all, if I'm reading between the lines correctly.
I think somepony had her slimy hoof involved in spreading some unfavourable propaganda among the female part of the student body
5720219
That darned moon tea, I tell you!
But there will be other opportunities, what with the little clubhouse-orgy coming up 
As a sidenote: the story's likes have finally caught up with the dislikes! That's a reason to celebrate if I've ever seen one!
