Beep
Beep.
A small, innocent beep was accompanied precisely two seconds later by a feral scream, and what sounded like a very large dictionary being hurled at a wall.
"IT WON'T. STOP. BEEPING!" Princess Twilight Sparkle stormed out of her kitchen, her face contorted with the fury of a young, volatile alicorn goddess. "It beeps when I turn it on. It beeps when I turn it off. It beeps when I change the toast settings. It beeps when I press anything at all. It beeps when I push the toast down. It beeps when the toast comes back up. It even beeps for no Celestia danged reason AT ALL!"
Beep.
Another large volume of The Encyclopedia Of Angry Phrases, Version 17, Errata 3 was hurled against a nearby wall, leaving a noticeable indentation on the wood. Rainbow Dash shrank away from the enraged purple pony princess, still clutching the flyer she had spotted on the way here that announced the release of the next Daring Do book: Daring Do And The Haunted Library. All she had wanted to do was to check out a book, not be subjected to a situation that belonged in said book and not in reality.
"Uh, Twilight, you do have that Daring Do book, right?"
Twilight whirled around, and Rainbow Dash cringed as a furious gaze drilled its way into her very being. "Do you know how many stores I went to just to find a toaster that fit my bread? TEN! Of these ten stores, THIS WAS THE ONLY FREAKING TOASTER MODEL IN THE ENTIRETY OF PONYVILLE THAT I COULD FIT MY BREAD INTO! There weren’t even any boxed models! THERE WAS ONLY THIS SINGLE TOASTER, THE LAST SURVIVOR OF A DEAD RACE OF TOASTERS THAT YOU CAN ACTUALLY FIT TOAST INTO!"
"Well, uh—"
Beep.
"AND IT WON'T. STOP. BEEPING!" A nearby seagull spontaneously burst into flames, and two frogs by a pond were turned into oranges. Oh no, not again, thought the one on the left. The one on the right realized it was now much more tasty than it had been a few seconds ago.
Rainbow Dash's ears pinned back, and she wondered if she could just come back tomorrow to get the book. Unfortunately, she was no longer sure if the door was still connected to the outside, or to some unknown realm ruled by a demonic force.
"Of course, perhaps I should simply return it? I too, considered this course of action in light of recent events. But woe is me, for I cannot return LITERALLY THE ONLY FREAKING TOASTER THAT ACTUALLY DOES ITS CELESTIA FORSAKEN JOB because then it would be awfully hard to MAKE TOAST, now wouldn’t it?! INSTEAD, I AM FORCED TO SUBJECT MYSELF TO THE MADDENING TORTURE OF THIS TARTARUS-SPAWN THAT CALLS ITSELF A TOASTER, FOR IT IS THE ONLY CURSED THING IN EQUESTRIA THAT CAN ACTUALLY TOAST TOAST!"
Another piece of reality came unhinged as a magical whirlwind picked up around Twilight, who was slowly advancing on Rainbow Dash.
"WHAT INSANE WORLD DO WE LIVE IN WHERE STANDARD BREAD SIZES ARE A HALF INCH TOO BIG FOR THE STANDARD TOASTER SIZE?! HOW CAN THIS POSSIBLY BE ECONOMICALLY SUSTAINABLE?!! HOW DOES A FREE MARKET MANAGE TO CREATE SUCH A RIDICULOUS SITUATION? DOES NO ONE ELSE TOAST BREAD? WHAT DO THEY USE TOASTERS FOR?! POPTARTS? TELL ME RAINBOW DASH! TELL ME!
Rainbow Dash cowered in a corner, wilting under the gaze of a mad god, as bits of parchment and books swirled around her in a maelstrom of hate and rage. Her wrath was so great that her soul reached out across the infinite divide, the unknowable nothing between dimensions that simply wasn't, and called out to the God Of Blood And Rage in the astral plane of suffering. Uldurmün The Feared looked up, and a voice rang out through the walls of his throne room. It didn't seem to emanate from the god itself, but instead was a sound that echoed everywhere at once, the very timbre of his voice enough to rend solid stone.
"Who has awoken me from my eternal slumber?"
A meek servant, his purpose so meaningless and low that his form was nothing more than a shadow that cast itself, spoke up. "Princess Twilight Sparkle did, your unholiness."
Uldurmün The Feared frowned, and the entire plane of suffering seemed to grow slightly darker. "Where does this... Twilight Sparkle hail from?"
The servant gulped. "She is a pretty purple pony princess from the land of Equestria, a world filled with friendship and rainbows."
"What."
Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle was blissfully unaware of the existential crisis she had just caused. "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND, RAINBOW DASH?! MY LIFE IS MEANINGLESS! NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE! WE DON'T MAKE TOASTERS THAT YOU CAN TOAST BREAD IN! REALITY SHALL TEAR ITSELF ASUNDER AS THE GODS OF CHAOS WRITHE IN LAUGHTER. DARKNESS WILL CONSUME THE LIGHT, UNTIL THE LAST BEACON OF HOPE IS EXTINGUISHED AND ALL THAT IS LEFT IS A BARREN PLAIN OF MISERY AND DEATH!"
Beep.
In a blind rage, Twilight spun around and fired off a blinding bolt of magic energy at the kitchen implement, which was subsequently vaporized with great prejudice. Twilight huffed, and the errant pieces of flying debris slowly fell to the ground around her as the wild magical tempest died down. A smoking crater on her kitchen counter was the world’s only reminder of what had once been, and what could never be recovered. The toaster had been banished to toaster heaven, and its soul was now lost forever.
Rainbow Dash, who had a penchant for talking before her brain could catch up, saw fit at that moment to say the worst possible thing ever. "...Did you just vaporize the only toaster in Equestria that you could fit your toast into?"
Ponyville was subsequently obliterated.
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Beep.
That was marvelous.
I suggest looking up "Toaster abort button" +"2 the ranting gryphon" on google if you're not adverse to swearing.
huh, I guess she is. But you forgot something, she's also a total badass.
Beep.
Edit: Darn it, someone beat me to it!
That would have been better if he turned into a bowl of petunias.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Pinned.
RD's last line makes this story.
And this is why Twilight needs to either purchase or invent a toaster oven. It's basically just a big happy box lined with heating elements.
Also, I find frog tastier than oranges, but that may just be me.
In any case, I do love a good Twilight freakout, and this was an exemplary one. Thank you for it.
I hate to be the one to tell Twilight this, but...
All toasters toast toast.
5188391 But not all toast is toasted equally
5188391
Not if you CAN'T FIT THE FUCKING TOAST IN THE FUCKING TOASTER!
It's like that thing of there being ten hot dog buns in the pack, but only eight hot dogs in the tin. You just wanna rip out those two extraneous rolls.
I think she took it quite well, don't you?
This only fuels my theory that Twilight needs to see a shrink.
5189389 Where I come from, there are eight buns and eight dogs, and all is well.
-Exodia the Forbidden One, we're done here.
Beep boop, son, beeeeep boop.
5189584 indeed
5190058 one, you rock, io mean seriously, that is the most boss name and profile pic ever
5190267 did scientists from the future research her for years and sent the toaster back in time to annoy her?
also, as the magical mercenary soldier says "Friendship is magic creampuff!"
the toaster cannot be bargained with! it cannot be reasoned with! it does not know where it is! It is toaster! It does not understand anything!
If she can tear sections of reality apart... then why not just expand a toaster by half an inch?
5190516
Because.
5190607
I'm sorry, did I just break the story?
XD
5190471 And worst of all, it doesn't know how to teleport bread!
5189389 8 buns to a bag, 14 dogs to a package, lowest common multiple is 56, 4 packages of dogs for every 7 bags of buns. Why do the extras offend you?
5190471 Thank you.
-Exodia the Forbidden One, we're done here.
Usually there’s some mention of the horn lighting up or a glow surrounding it, a magic surge, etc. With the exception of when Twilight through a lightning bolt at the toaster there doesn’t appear to be any explicit mentioning of what’s causing the phenomena nor any of the usual visual tells that give it away.
Why in the smeg would a toaster need to beep? I don't get it, are they actually making toasters that beep now? I mean if it really bothered you just take it apart and remove the piezo-speaker (I'm guessing that's what they're using) and your problem is solved.
That's not an annoying toaster, that's barely mildly irritating! THIS is an annoying toaster.
5190058
Well, you're lucky to live in an enlightened part of the world.
5191423
Actually the toaster in real life also makes an annoying electrical buzzing sound whenever it's plugged in, as though it's power source is dying or something. It almost sounds like a fire hazard and I refuse to use it for that reason.
But it does beep all the time, yes. It's ridiculous.
I gave up and bought a toaster oven.
5191658 The only reason I can think of as to why it's buzzing would be that there is too much voltage for that particular element. I think they all buzz a little but if it's noticable enough to be annoying, I'd stop using it too.
Toasters are awesome.
Dammit rainbow dash just bitch slap her. That'll snap her out of it.
Well . . . That escalated quickly.
Best. Story. EVER.
5/5 mustaches, you deserve it!
Never change Cloudy. I don't think I could take it.
5191547 Indeed.
-Exodia the Forbidden One, we're done here.
Beep.
Fun little story. Nice job! Beep!
5191813
Da hell?
Funniest ending ever.
It's even funnier if you think of it as Mario's toaster from YouTube Poop.
5188391 btw
Congrats on beating me to the Hotel Mario reference.
i saw the authors note and then I lost it completely.
5189655 When does Twilight not need to see a shrink?
5189015 I disagree. All toasters are created equal, its just that some toasters are more equal than others.
Alternate ending:
Well. This story was... interesting. I could only shake my head at Rainbow Dash, because that seems like such a Dash thing to do. Still...
I now want to know what happens with Uldurmün The Feared. I don't even know why.
I don´t like one-shots very much but i always want to give them a chance, so for someone like me who even don´t like one-shots that much it was not bad. I think it would be funny if she woud try to do everything to destroy that toaster and it won´t vanish, but it works this way too. I just think that way because yesterday i get an information i don´t really need. A gameboy handeld, the grey one, survied a war and a few bombs too. It looked very roasted and very demolished, but it still plays Tetris.
.... Woah woah woah, back the f--ck up Princess. What in the good goddamn is wrong with pop tarts? They're freakin' amazing.
There's a space too much after "unknown".
*its
Frakking toasters.
I had some free time today so i made a reading
