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A direct follow-up to Rainbow Rocks, and thus full of spoilers!
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The Dazzlings are now "harmless, ordinary teenage girls", deprived of their talents of persuasion. They won't stand for this, but will they be able to strike back at those who hurt them? Will they be able to adjust to the normal life? Will they be found out? These girls haven't given their swan songs yet!
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Faved and upvoted. I'm amazed this is your first fic. Looks great and the Dazzlings feel spot on! I can't wait to read more.
Just thought I'd mention that I think you don't have to follow all the names of Equestria things. Giving the bit characters pony sounding names is great, but "Manehattan" may not be necessary since not everyone is a pony. You can go either way, but I wouldn't worry about fitting in too many horse puns for something set in the Equestria Girls universe.
5066669
Thanks! To be honest, I enjoy plotting fics, but I just wasn't too sure about my actual ability to pull it off in practice. But I really enjoyed the Dazzlings, and I thought it would be fun to explore them further.
Also? You may be right. I didn't know for sure how to go on that, given the apparent horse fixation in Humestria, but I might just drop all but the names of characters besides the one already mentioned.
5066736
Keep in mind a lot of that is because the movies take place in 'Canterlot High School' where the 'Wonder Colts' are the mascots, so it makes sense there'd be a lot of horse elements around the school.
That being said, there's just not a lot of info if everywhere else is as in to horses or not, so it's up to you. I just wouldn't strain yourself coming up with horse puns for everything and everyone.
This makes for a good start of something very complicated
I look forward to what awaits them in the next city over
derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/10/28/135032.gif
5066766 A fair point! My own school went a bit crazy with the animal puns, too... Yeah, I guess I'll keep it a bit more realistic and less equine-centric.
5066781 Also thanks a lot! This will hopefully be a long and interesting voyage of... well, we'll see what for the three of them.
(She is the best Siren.)
5066799 Indeed she is
She's this close to being my very first waifu...
5066736
I think you mean Aria BLAZE.
Yup. In fact, it would have been a good idea to go back and find how Twilight travelled from Equestria to Canterlot High in the first place, so they could find the way back to the magical pony land.
I kinda feel bad for them I hope maybe someone will help them out other than that its a good fic it's seem like this fic is them just trying to survive on they're own with no help from anyone ill say this from what I heard about manhattan it's a crime infested city with a lot of poor people homeless drugs and celestia knows what else
5066736
I think you mean Aria BLAZE.
5069544 Well...now I feel like a complete fool. I don't know how I managed to go the whole way without noticing it even after I proofread. When I can revise it, it will be fixed.
Sonata is adorbzies.
5070203
For realzies!
Well geez, that didn't take long did it?
I'll read this after I actually watch the movie and when I stop thinking of these three as the Pillar Men.
Great start
Can't wait to see more. got to say I'm surprised at how popular this story got for just a prologue. You must be one hell of a writer.
5071524 Or I'm just lucky and at the right time, but I like to think it's the former. XD Thanks, and the next part should be out soon!
5071634 can't wait and your more than lucky your awesome. May not know you but I mean that.
Okay, they're evil, (but now impotent, they REALLY should join Trixie's club, seriously, they're now as full ego and ambition as Trixie but as completely devoid of any ability to make those desires reality) but losing the talent that was at the core of your identity would be nasty to ANYONE.
I see Adagio still has SOME of her other talents. Still, the girls are screwed, the one thing they were good at is gone. Poof. They're screwed.
Ironically in my fic I have them being connected by family being the only reason they tolerate each other.
But Manehatten? That city is going to eat them alive!
How long until the Dazzlings get their own tag?
5072495
To be fair, "Tricks Up My Sleeve" was a decent song, and regarding pony Trixie´s magical talent...how many powerful unicorns have we seen until now? Twilight, Sunset, Sombra and Starswirl. At her worst, Trixie is average.
I feel bad for them. They were robbed of their special talent. That just blows.
Great story so far. I cant wait to see what happens next!
5066669 See, I feel that earth names are jarring. I gave a lot of thought to this when I was working on mine, and mixing Canterlot with Boston felt weird. The Equestria Girls world isn't earth: it's an alternate universe of Equestria itself. So if the author can stand to work with Equestrian names, I'd encourage it. That's just my opinion, of course.
Dude. If this is your first story, you're off to a fantastic start!
Characters are spot-on, premise is interesting, writing is great, and Sonata is adorable.
I can't wait to see where this goes!
Wait, there's another chapter out already? Even better!
Still, going pretty well thus far! I like the name of the high school, and I'm curious to see how it'll fit into their new plan. Fave'd and followed!
Interesting set up. Having the girls actually run off makes sense and seeing them in a whole new school would allow for some possibly good attempts at being 'normal'. Though, I do so hope the ocs are good and well rounded, but I needn't worry about that. You seem to have excellent writing skills.
I can't wait for the next chapter.
Oh dear, this can only end in the bad kind of schools you see in life...
5073931 Oh, that wasn't a typo! "Babel" can mean "a confused mixture of sounds and speech, especially in different languages",
and this chapter was semi-narrated from Adagio's perspective. She has a bit of a larger vocabulary. But glad you like!
5068759 Also forgot to mention this one. They don't want to go back to Equestria. There, there's powerful magic that's kicked their plots several times now, but here they're pretty much the biggest thing around, at least when they actually do have their magic.
5074053 Ah, okay; that makes sense.
I NEED TO SEE MORE OF THIS!!!
WELL DO THEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!??!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!
Not a bad start.
This should be interesting.
Hi Babs,
Intriguing
img.gawkerassets.com/img/17h1fslie525zjpg/original.jpg
Interesting. Very interesting.
Toco Bell?
I really love this! You're an awesome writer. I can't wait to read more!
After coming here from Cafeteria Control, I have to say I needed a dose of not-crazy Dazzlings. As for the story so far, I quite like it. I'm wondering where it'll go though, as I have no idea what my ideal outcome would be. Oh, well. Keep up the good work, at any rate!
what's the name of the artist of the cover art?
5086702 uotapo http://fav.me/d7zm8fz
Thanks for all the support guys! Just to let you know, working on this one, hopefully have it by the weekend--I need time to iron the kinks out of the few OCs I'll be using.
Not bad. You probably want to find yourself a good editor. I can point you to a couple places if you want.
A couple things:
1) FimFiction is a butt. It doesn't like to indent your first paragraph.
2) I'd recommend double-spacing your paragraphs. Since online stories like this don't have the benefit of pages to turn, reading non-double-spaced paragraphs can feel like reading a wall of text, even if they are indented.
That aside, I'll again recommend finding an editor to give you an extra pair of eyes when looking over your story.
This is also pretty decent.
5073322
I'd feel more bad for them if not for the whole brainwashing people and plotting to take over the world thing.
5088321
I don't think there's a need to double space it; it is properly indented. Either one is the same to me.
I feel I should mention that you shouldn't be indenting paragraphs if you're already double spacing, though. Either double space between paragraphs or indent them; doing both is redundant and looks awkward.
Your awesome at fanfics I wish I was but maybe writing isn't my thing. Oh well I love to edit pmv and stuff like that. I just need YouTube account. Ima follow you
Maybe they'll meet a certain somebody at the school.
Oh my gosh. This is absolutely perfect. You have an impeccable grasp of characters and narrative style!
And heck, I'd say you don't even need an editor, what with how well you're doing as is. There are two little things you missed that I want to point out, though:
You accidentally used a pair of opening quotation mark where you should've used a pair of closing quotation marks, and there should be a space between those closing quotation marks and the word "she" that follows them. And "Then we strike—and take back what is rightfully ours!" is one sentence, so "and" should be lowercase.
Was that supposed to be "in front of them"?