Months have passed since The Dazzlings defeat and their life is progressively getting worse and worse. With a stubborn leader who refuses to accept help from anyone their lives would seem to fade away into nothing. But one man will change that. One man will alter their course for the better. But will it be for the better of the world?
My second story ever written. Join me on this journey. Not only the journey of The Dazzlings but also my journey to becoming a better writer and my friend on becoming a better story teller. With that said, enjoy or hate.
09/14 I WAS FEATURED FOR THE FIRST TIME! WOHO!
Chapters (8)
Hmmm....Not sure what to feel on this story.
On the positives
I like the Dazzlings
Your story structure seems pretty good for the most part didn't notice any major flaws.
Characterization seemed okay
oh and I like the artwork were did you get it and did you draw it yourself ???
However
Your OC....IDK Faithful or Faith...Kind of seems a bit to on the nose for me. Show don't tell my friend and is definitely in the territory of tell.
The story itself I need a few chapters to really judge were it will be going. OC and Dazzling's stories have been done before, you should find something that will make yours stand out from the rest. I'm not sure what that is since it's your story and I can't tell you what to do.
So yeah, an the whole so far from one chapter I am neither thumbs up nor Thumbs down I am neutral on this one.
I like the chapter. Keep up the good work.
6169374 I'm glad that you liked it. I hope to continue to please.
6169052 Just call him Gary Stu if you'd like. What is it that you find wrong about him?
As for the "Show don't tell" part, isn't that something for television shows and movies, a media in which one can actually show images? I mean, i cant really show you anything as much as i can describe it to you.
The artwork is not mine, though i wish it was. It is just a cover until i have saved enough money to pay someone to draw an image for me. Didn't i say where i got it from?
More chapters are coming my friend and i pray that I wont disappoint. I long to hear what your final conclussion will be, wether negative or positive. and if you would happen to have the time, could you go into a bit more detail as to what it was that you didn't like? That way i can improve on my writing and we can learn from past mistakes. Anyway, thank you for reviewing, and i hope to see you again at the next chapter.
You might wanna fix an error in the description.
6170443 It could be my horrible english, but what is it that is wrong?
6169726 Just the name really, as a character I have yet to see more of personality, but Faithful. It seems a bit...not subtle, (Granted if you are going for My Little Pony names then I guess they aren't that subtle to begin with) but it still seems that way to me. Keep the name if you like but maybe add more to him then just being "Faithful" as the story progresses
6170446 It's months have passed.
6170495 Thanks, i'll have it fixed.
6170660 No prob.
6170463 Faithful might be his name but that is not all there is to him. He is gonna get developed and there is gonna be more to him than just being faithful. We plan on having more to him than that as keeping him as such would just make him one dimensional and extremely dull. And if the name bothers you then all i have to say is: I'm sorry but the name is here to stay.
Interesting premise, certainly worth sticking around for a while to see how it goes
6171831 It makes me happy that you feel that way.
Hm... not sure if Faithful Servant is creepy or just a nice guy with too much $$ on his hands...
More investigation is required,
s6.postimg.org/5ul2jmext/continue_Monkey.jpg
6173974 Definitely a creep.
Interesting...
6174383 You're lying.
6174488 Why would I be lying? I'd like to see where this goes so I've placed it on my Tracking list. If I find I like it further in, I'll Favourite it.
6174501 Just a joke. I am very pleased that you found my story worthy of being on any of your lists. I hope that I will please you with my next chapter
6174813 Sorry if I took the joke too hard. I believe this story will not disappoint.
Handful of minor errors here and there but nothing glaring. Proofreader wouldn't be a terrible idea. :3 In any case, I look forward to seeing where this will go.
Only found two errors while reading through it but I wasn't actively looking for'em.
Should be "Her eyes too were now dull and lifeless."
Should be "Sonata had always been the one that brought back the most money."
I like where this is going. Please continue.
6175734 If you say so
6175189 yeah, a proofreader would be nice. I'm currently looking for one. As for the grammatical errors, thanks for pointing them out, I'll make sure to have them fixed.
6177597 Mm might message and ask Alticron if he'd be willing to do it. S'one of my editors and the guy's great, but I'm not sure if he's currently taking on new stories.
6177707 You sure? Because i would hate to bother him if he is not interested.
6177717 Mm, I'll ask him for you. :3
6177717 I asked him for you. Sadly, he's full up. Have you tried posting in the Looking for Editors thread yet?
6177725 Oh well, thanks for trying, much appreciated. There is a thread like that?
6177748 Whole group for it. Just make sure to read this before posting/requesting. :3
6177992 Thanks, friend, I'll check it out.
“I get excited for Taco Tuesday once and suddenly I'm “Taco Lady” for life"
i.ytimg.com/vi/TxIgTs6HUyY/maxresdefault.jpg
Well, this is good. I think I can see myself getting into this.
Keep up the good work.
6197046 Thank you, I'll do my best. Oh and also, Thanks for the fave!
Surprisingly bold that you'd have Adagio walk away, but it works and really lends itself to the story. I still look forward to where this goes. :3
Pride will be your downfall, again, Adagio.
As much as I love the idea of Faith having a French accent I think
Should be "have"
Also forgot to capitalize the "I" in
Other than that woo awesome chapter!
6199911 Thanks for pointing them out and I am glad that you enjoyed it
Yeah, this is definitely worth sticking around. When you mentioned that it was intended as a side fic the minor errors and breaks in flow from the first chapter made sense. As a side fic there wasn't much other than a good concept and idle writing to fill the void before inspiration hit. But now there is a much more clear devotion to the fic that shows a more serious development in the content and quality. I'm glad this has earned more of your attention it has good potential that would have been squandered if it had to play second fiddle.
The "feels" get me from start to finish
6206905 I'm glad that I was able to wake some emotion in you.
6206435 Yeah, we figured that since this had such a bigger following and supporters, we might as well put a abit of extra effort into it. I mean, just take a quick look at my other story and it becomes quite clear as to which one I should put the more focus on. Anyway, I'm very happy that I was able to please you with this chapter. I hope you will be as pleased with the next one
I've never really had a thing for third-person stories that address the audience. Just doesn't sit right with me.
Not really sure what to make of this yet.
Though this is mostly just me being tired
.
6231286 I'm sorry that I wasn't able to please. I hope my next chapter will be a bit more satisfying.
Hope this story gets done soon cliffhangers are unbearable
6238214 Sry mate, but if we are allowed to have our way through with this then It is gonna stay for a while, go into a hiatus eventually and then continue again.
I think that should be others' (note the apostrophe)
you just couldn't resist the pun, could you?
6179879
glad I'm not the only person that thought that line was hilarious.
And now it's time for one massive comment!
TBH, if you can visualize it & sketch/draw it, I might actually pay you for the sketch LOL. Of course, this depends on my definition of worth, but still.
The second part of that should not be capitalized, the first part should be italicized, and I would probably remove the period in the middle as well.
the first "to" needs to have 2 "O"'s
should instead be
you could probably make that more concise by saying it with italics as so:
(also notice that In the process I removed an errant word, which I highlighted in the first quotation)
Did this by any chance have something to do with Doctor Who? After all, he is known to have said that at one point, and that's probably one if not the most common instance of the phrase on the web, at least on English pages.
Misspelled, mis-punctuated, and mis-capitalized.
1. On the first account, the root word is "squee", on account of Q always being followed by U, except where specifically not the case.
2. On the second account, it's a onomatopoeia, and thus, if I'm not mistaken, it should be "squee'd".
3. On the third account, well, it just shouldn't be capitalized.
welcome to the department of redundancy department. We are redundantly redundant, and love redundancy.
subject verb agreement: "Belongs" should be changed to "belong"
Trap sprung!
6288000 Thank you for pointing out our mistakes, I will get to work with fixing them immediately. We are indeed making a reference to Doctor Who. Just wait until the next chapter where we have him shout "GERONIMO!" As for the part where we described Adagio's undressed body, was there anything else that felt redundant besides the fact that I so obviously repeated myself word by word? (Seriously, how did I not notice that!?)
Either way, thanks for the comment. It helps out a lot.
6288965 Nope, I didn't notice any more of the redundant department of redundancies department's redundant redundancies upon re-examining the chapter after you fixed the doubly descriptive description.
Wow. I'll admit I didn't see that coming. Roughly 90% of stories set up like this would end up with the expected outcome where Adagio gives in, and every detail given up to this point has reinforced that idea. But you do a total 180 and we're left with an Adagio who sticks with her stubborn pride. This has caught my interest far more effectively than the more common method and I'll definitely read the next chapter.
Continue this story.
It has wonderful potential.