Introductions and offers
Canterlot is a remarkable city. Clean streets and calm traffic even at night. A vast sea of shops filled with anything and everything that you could ever imagine. It was also something of a rare sight.
Just at the outskirts of the city was a farm that produced well over half of the apples and vegetables sold in Canterlot. Despite that, there is a nearby farm and quite a few celebrities and rich folk hanging around town. One of the many reasons they had decided to live here is because they got very little attention from the more 'common' people. Most likely it was that most of the citizens respected their privacy, and after a while, had gotten over the initial starstruck phase.
There were very few homeless people and by that I mean that there are only three. If you find that hard to believe, then I suggest that you just take a stroll through the city yourself. You will not find a single homeless man or woman that lives on the streets and begs for your spare change. Unless you happened upon the three aforementioned poor girls. Not even out of school and already are they without home and family.
The Dazzlings were truly an unfortunate bunch. Once standing on the top of the world, adored as goddesses, with the people eating out of their hands. But it was all taken away from them. Taken away by seven meddling girls who had resisted and defied The Dazzlings. Now they have nothing.
Don't feel too bad for them though. If they had been allowed to have their way, then you would have been their devoted slaves by now. Besides, they’ve had multiple times over been offered food and a place to live but Adagio Dazzle proved to be very picky of whom she accepted help from. In the alleys of the center of town is where we will find these fallen ones.
Sitting in an alley filled with rotten garbage, overused and stinking furniture was Adagio, who could more or less be considered the leader of The Dazzlings. She was sitting in a sofa, waiting for her sisters, Sonata Dusk and Aria Blaze, to come back from whichever street they had picked to beg for money at. Adagio couldn't be bothered.
Adagio was but a shadow of her former self. Her larger than life hair, once so well combed and cared for, is now nothing more than a matted and dull mess. Her eyes too were now dull and lifeless. Her clothes were dirty and torn to the point of being unrecognizable. Her sisters were not doing any better themselves.
Adagio stared down at the ground, impatiently waiting for the others to show up. She thought back to the day they lost their pendants, and with them, their powers and voices. This was how she usually spent her time. Thinking back to when it all went downhill. Thinking back to their decisions, trying to point out where they went wrong. Everything seemed to go so well, everything seemed to go according to plan, so why were they the losers and not The Rainbooms?
Adagio snapped back to reality as she hears a rustling sound down the alley. It was Aria who had accidentally walked into a smaller garbage bag. Adagio got up from her seat and met Aria halfway. For a short while they just stood there and stared into each other’s eyes. The tension had been growing between them these last couple of months. Life had been hard and Aria believed that asking for help was their best way of survival. And unlike the many other times where she had ultimately backed down to Adagio's will, she now stood quite adamant in her decision. It was only a few days ago when Aria had explicitly told Adagio that whether she liked it or not, if there came anyone else that offered them a place to stay, Aria would take it, even if the others would not.
Adagio was the first to speak. She sighed and said, “So, any luck?”
Aria put her hand down her pocket and pulled out a handful of coins. “Not much. Barely enough for some cheap fast food.”
“Then let's hope that Sonata had better luck than you.”
“Wouldn't surprise me. Why with that dumb, gullible face, the people will eat that shit without thought or question.” Sonata have always been the one that bring back the most money. Much to Aria's credit, she was not wrong in her assumption. Sonata did very much look the part to be begging. While Aria was mostly just sitting at a corner, frowning and not looking at or acknowledging anyone that passes by, Sonata actively asks for help and pleads to their humanity. She looks to everyone, appearing positively lost, clueless and without hope. Whether this was natural and true was anyone's guess, but true or not, she was doing a damn good job either way.
“ARIA! ADAGIO!” An upbeat and excited voice called out from behind Aria. The two girls turned around to see the girl known as Sonata. “Aria, Adagio, you are not going to believe what just happened to me!”
The two sisters turned their attention to her, looking as disinterested as one could be. “Well I'm not guessing, so why don't you just spill the beans?” Said Aria.
“Okay, so there I was, just sitting there with my cup, begging for some spare change when suddenly this guy walked up to me and we started talking—”
“What's there to be excited about?” Aria interrupted. “Just some random dude who you had a conversation with—OUCH!” Aria was interrupted in turn by a smack to the back of the head by Adagio.
“Maybe, just maybe, she was getting to that before you interrupted. Go ahead Sonata,” said Adagio.
“Okay. So as I said, we started talking for a bit and then he invited me to follow him to any restaurant of MY choice. So we went to this nearby fast food joint and ordered some hotdogs—”
“What? No tacos?” Adagio joked.
Sonata sighed. “I get excited for Taco Tuesday once and suddenly I'm ‘Taco Lady’ for life. EITHER way, we got our hotdogs and we started to talk a bit more. I told him what school we used to be in, I told him a few things about myself and then we started talking about him. Apparently he is new around here and just recently moved. Then he told me that he was in a hurry and needed to go. But before he left, he gave me this!” From her pocket she pulled out something they never expected to see. It was a dollar bill. A one hundred dollar bill.
Aria snatched the bill away from Sonata and inspected it closely, trying to see if there was something about it that looked fake. “He just gave this to you?” she asked and handed it over to Adagio who did the same.
“Yeah, just like that. He must have been in a hurry because I didn't even have a chance to thank him before he was gone.”
Aria turned to Adagio. “What do you think? Think this is a joke?”
Adagio whipped the bill back and forth as if she was fanning herself. “Well, there is only one way to find out, isn’t there?” She said and started to walk out of the alley. The other two followed her until they reached Sugar Cube Corner. While a very simple place, and not with the greatest assortment of pastries and other similar tasty items, it was still widely known that this little place had the best baked goods for miles. Luckily, there was no one from school around at the moment, but they still got some awkward stares and glances. They ordered two baked goods of each owns choice and handed over the bill to Mrs Cake, one of the co-owners of Sugar Cube Corner. She gave it a shocked look when they first showed it to her and then she went to eye them over suspiciously. “Where did you get this?”
“Oh, just some generous citizen that decided that it was in his interest to help us poor unfortunate souls.” Adagio said with a confident smile on her face.
Hesitantly, Mrs Cake accepted the money and gave them back their change and took a seat at the back of the shop. They took a moment to just enjoy the taste of their muffins before Adagio spoke up. “So, Sonata, what did he look like?” Adagio said as she took a bite out of her coffee bean muffin.
“Who?” She asked in her dream-like state as she was munching on her cupcake with green frosting and little candy eyes which made it look like a frog.
“The man that gave you the cash, obviously. You are just the worst sometimes, Sonata.” Aria grunted through tightened lips.
“Am not!”
“Girls. I really don't have the patience for your bickering right now. Just tell us, what did he look like?”
“Well… He was sort of yellow with whitish hair, pretty tall, he wore a blue jacket and yellow gymnastics pants… and that's all I really remember.”
“Huh, it's not of great help, but that should help narrow the numbers down. The fact that he gave you that much money most likely means one out of two things. 1: He has to be rich enough to consider a hundred bucks to be small money if he just gives it away to pathetic beggars… no offense,” she quickly added when she noticed the glares she got from Aria and Sonata. “Or the most likely option, he is just some idiot who does not know how to hold on to his money. Either way, it doesn't matter.”
“What? Why not?”
“I am sure that it was just a fluke. Just somebody with a sudden burst of generosity. You will see, he will just go back to being one in the crowd, feeling like he has done his good deed of the day and just leave us hanging, just like everyone else in this miserable city.”
Those were Adagio's words. For a while, it seemed like she might have been right. No yellow people with white hair and great generosity showed up again. Day after day passed with little to no activity in their begging cups. So far they had been able to sustain themselves on the change from their most fortunate donation. But the money was slowly running out and they feared that they might soon be out of luck.
One day, Sonata went back to the place she had originally been at when he first showed up. Not to look for him, but because it started to seem like the citizens were avoiding them. Less and less people would come by their usual spots and took ways around them to get to their destination. As a result of this, Sonata, much to the others surprise, suggested that they sit down at the now more crowded spots that came from this avoidance.
First day they had been able to scrape together some more money, which bought them a small meal for the day. The second day, Sonata came running back again like before, bringing with her twenty bucks, allegedly from the same guy. The third day she went back there there was little to nothing to find again. The fourth day she came back with another twenty, again, allegedly from the same guy with the same clothes as the first day he appeared. Adagio started to see a pattern by the sixth day. Considering the choice of clothes he apparently wore every single one of those days he must be going to or coming from a gym or something. And adding to that, it seemed like he was doing it at least once every second day. As she figured this out, she got herself an idea.
By the time of the eighth day in the early morning, Sonata was just about to walk away with her cup when she was held back by Adagio. “Sonata, why don't you pick another place to ask for money at today?”
“What? Why?”
“Oh nothing, I was just thinking that it was about time I contributed to this group as well. And truth be told, I was hoping on coming across that guy that you always seem to get such generous donations and nice conversations from. Which reminds me, what was his name again?”
“Um...” Sonata scratched her head, putting a lot of effort into remembering what the mysterious man's name was. “I’m not sure, we introduced ourselves by names once and then I sort of forgot.” She said with a nervous giggle. “But I think his name was along the lines of “Faith” and something or another.”
“Faith. Okay. Yellow skin and white hair, right?”
Sonata gave a happy and firm nod. “You'll like him, I'm sure of it,” she said and dashed off.
After passing a few streets, Adagio eventually came to the place Sonata had been talking about. Just outside and old industrial building whose premises was now used for a multiple of different shops, everything from tinker shops to auction houses.
Adagio sat down and tried to make herself feel comfortable. Kind of hard when the only surface to sit on was hard stone bricks. The hours ticked by as the sun was slowly rising to its highest point. The direct heat was tiring for the former siren as time went by. Eventually it got to the point where she started to feel drowsy. She was softly and slowly lulling off to sleep before something interrupted her sleepy state.
“And who are you?”
The question itself was not particularly rude in any remark but rather in a tone that expressed great confusion and genuine interest. Adagio rubbed the sleepiness out of her eyes and looked up to find a young man looming above her, casting his shadow over her. She took a good look at him and figured that Sonata was close enough but colors were not her strong suit. Rather than yellow, the man before her had the same clothes as she had described but his skin was more golden than anything and his hair looked like strands of silver, combed together in a backslick style with trimmed sides. And his eyes was a bright emerald green, his nose was slightly crooked and a few subtle scars on his face.
“You wouldn't happen to know Sonata Dusk, would you?”
“Actually” Adagio began as she rise back up. “I am Adagio Dazzle, Sonata’s older sister.”
A smile shone on his face. “Ah, yes, Sonata mentioned you. A pleasure to make your acquaintance Adagio, my name is Faithful Servant.”
You certainly would have been one had everything gone according to plan. she thought to herself. “Hi, nice to meet you too.”
“If I may ask, how come that Sonata is not here? I have kind of gotten used to her being a part of the routine by now.”
“Well you know, I figured out your little routine and I decided that I wanted to have a little chat with our ever so generous donor. And of course, I also wanted to give my thanks.” Adagio said in an almost sickeningly sweet voice.
“You figured it out, huh? Good job. So was there anything special that you wanted to talk about?”
“Nothing truly special, I just wanted to get to know you a bit better.”
“Certainly. I was just about to head home but if you want we could stop by my favorite bakery.”
“Sounds lovely.”
Faithful lead her inside the building through the many and long corridors until they reached the bakery. Adagio walked ahead of Faithful and took in the surroundings. Along the right wall was a roof-high stacking of logs, most likely those are simply there for decoration and not for practical use. In the center of the room stood old traditional furniture of wood and iron. And to the wall right beside the logs stood a couple of bookshelves filled with books, both new and old, for the guests entertainment while they enjoy their snack. Faithful said something behind her but she didn't really listen. She just nodded and kept on enjoying the view. It was rustic to be sure, and a bit beneath what she would call ‘her standards’ but after living on the streets for months upon months she had started to respect and enjoy these simple places. They had their own unique charm to them.
“Excuse me, miss.” Adagio turned around and saw a brown skinned man with yellow hair, standing at the counter, wearing a set of baking clothes. Just for the sake of it, he had a chef’s hat on top of his head. “Are you lost?” he asked rather rudely.
“No, I'm not. I was accompanying this gentle—” She turned around and gestured towards the man that was supposed to be standing there but he was nowhere to be seen. “—man.”
“Listen, I don't like throwing people out, but I will do it unless you have any money to spend here...”
“He was here just a moment ago. I-I'm sure that he will come back,” she said and looked outside the door. Again, nowhere to be seen. “Can I just take a seat and wait for him to return?”
The man at the counter sighed and gestured for her to take a chair. She sat down and started to wait for Faithful Servant to return from wherever he went. And she waited… and waited… and waited until the point where she just couldn't stand it anymore! It felt like an eternity spent waiting for him when really it had only been twenty minutes. During these minutes she noticed that the people sitting in this bakery had very displeased looks on their faces and several of them had left after she had sat down. Eventually the man at the counter approached her and ushered her out. Adagio tried to resist but he was adamant in that she was making the guests feel uncomfortable and that she had no place to be here. He was just about to pull her out the door when they heard: “Succulent Chef!”
They both turned around and the man from the counter, whose name she guessed was “Succulent Chef”, grew a wide smile as he saw Faithful stand at the entry. “Faith! So good to see you my friend. Why didn't you call ahead of time, I would have prepared your favorite pie for you!” he said, almost sounding a bit agitated. But nonetheless, he approached him, grabbed his hand and they gave each other a pat on the back.
“Well, I would have, had it been a planned visit. I sort of did it on an impulse.”
“In that case, I'll go prepare that pie for you. Just as soon as I've shown this girl here the way out—”
“Woah woah woah, hold your horses there, Succulent, she is in my company. Didn't you see me come in with her?”
A tint of red spread on his face. “N-no, I was back at the furnace at the time I suppose.” He turned around to Adagio and begged for her forgiveness. She didn't quite feel like it but she thought that it might leave a bad impression on Faithful, so she sweetly told him that everything was alright as he rushed back to his furnace to prepare their orders and a few loaves of bread that was needed in the shop.
Faithful took a seat in front of Adagio and leaned comfortably to the side, keeping himself up on the chair next to him. “Sorry that it took a while, had some important business to attend to.”
“Where did you go exactly? I couldn't find you anywhere.”
“I had to exit the building. Too many people walking around in here and I wanted to keep it private.”
“Understandable. So what sort of business are we talking about?”
“Oh, just some minor complications with some money transfer, no big deal really. But I am interested to know something, if you would care to share that information?”
“Well it depends on the subject but ask anyway.”
“How is it that you and your sisters ended up on the street?”
This was a question she could not avoid. All future help from this guy depended on that she could give him a good answer to this. She could go with the typical sob-story but if she did it too over the top then he would most likely catch on to her lie. Another big risk involved Sonata. It could be that he was asking this to see if their versions were the same, if he had asked this question to her that is, and evaluate them after that. So many things could go wrong but she had to make a bet if they were to continue getting his aid.
Adagio let out a sigh, as if what she was about to say was something hard to talk about. “Well you see, we had very strict, but at the same time, uncaring parents who would not accept anything else but the best from us but they refused to lift as much as a finger to help us. When we got expelled from school they disowned us and threw us out. We have not had contact since then.”
He gave a nod at this, but something told her that he was not quite buying it yet. “Understandable that you would like to sever ties with them. But how come that you were expelled? Did you do something wrong?”
“Besides having pretty poor grades, we were actually pretty much the schools ‘bad girls’. As I am sitting out there I question why we even acted like that.”
“The explanation might not be that difficult. Perhaps your bad attitude was a result of your parents neglect. A very typical reason by my experience.”
“How would you know?”
“While I've never been a bully before, I’ve had a lot of experience with them.”
“Such as?”
He smiled gently and stared deeply into her eyes as if he was searching for something within them. “The day you tell your full story, then I will tell mine. Deal?” he said and extended a hand.
Adagio chuckled. “Are you doubting me?”
“Not necessarily, but something tells me that there is something more to this story. More to you, Adagio. And I would love to learn more once you are ready to share it. Now, are you gonna leave me hanging or are you gonna shake it?”
Adagio let out a sweet giggle and shook his hand. Shortly after, they received their orders. They spent about twenty more minutes just talking about different things, most of it was just of a very uninteresting nature or about her life on the streets. But it wasn't a complete waste. Adagio did feel like she was making some form of impression on him, and if her hunches were right, it was of a positive nature. They took off, offering their thanks to Succulent Chef. As they reached the exit of the building Faithful asked if he may accompany her back to her ‘home’. Of course she said ‘yes’ and they shortly thereafter ended up in the slums they now called home. Adagio took immediate notice of his discomfort as he was clearly disgusted with their circumstances. They sat around and waited for the other girls to return.
Aria was the first to return, and she was quick to get her fists up in the air, ready to defend herself, fearing that he was an intruder of some sort. Adagio calmed her sister down in time before she did something irrational. They got introduced to each other and Aria quickly joined them in waiting for Sonata. It took a while but eventually she returned as well, a very somber look on her face. But she quickly brightened up at the sight of Faithful. Apparently she had barely been able to scrape together anything and she had a few cruel things said to her during the day.
I swear, if he is another 'buyer', I’m gonna thrash him up! Aria thought.
“So, any special reason that you wanted to meet all of us here?” Aria asked rather rudely.
“Why yes, Aria, there is,” he said, clapping his hands together and taking a deep breath to calm his nerves. “I have seen and heard of the life you have been living for the last couple of months, and I am revolted. Absolutely revolted, and I will not permit it to go on for as much as a moment more.”
“What are you saying?” Sonata asked.
“I'm saying that I want you three to move in with me.”
And there is the first chapter, hope you enjoyed!
And if you didn't then you know what to do but before you leave i would like to kindly ask you to tell me what is wrong and how i can improve. If you could do that or me then i would be forever grateful.
Enjoy your day and for those that stays, see you at the next chapter!
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Hmmm....Not sure what to feel on this story.
On the positives
I like the Dazzlings
Your story structure seems pretty good for the most part didn't notice any major flaws.
Characterization seemed okay
oh and I like the artwork were did you get it and did you draw it yourself ???
However
Your OC....IDK Faithful or Faith...Kind of seems a bit to on the nose for me. Show don't tell my friend and is definitely in the territory of tell.
The story itself I need a few chapters to really judge were it will be going. OC and Dazzling's stories have been done before, you should find something that will make yours stand out from the rest. I'm not sure what that is since it's your story and I can't tell you what to do.
So yeah, an the whole so far from one chapter I am neither thumbs up nor Thumbs down I am neutral on this one.
I like the chapter. Keep up the good work.
6169374 I'm glad that you liked it. I hope to continue to please.
6169052 Just call him Gary Stu if you'd like. What is it that you find wrong about him?
As for the "Show don't tell" part, isn't that something for television shows and movies, a media in which one can actually show images? I mean, i cant really show you anything as much as i can describe it to you.
The artwork is not mine, though i wish it was. It is just a cover until i have saved enough money to pay someone to draw an image for me. Didn't i say where i got it from?
More chapters are coming my friend and i pray that I wont disappoint. I long to hear what your final conclussion will be, wether negative or positive. and if you would happen to have the time, could you go into a bit more detail as to what it was that you didn't like? That way i can improve on my writing and we can learn from past mistakes. Anyway, thank you for reviewing, and i hope to see you again at the next chapter.
You might wanna fix an error in the description.
6170443 It could be my horrible english, but what is it that is wrong?
6169726 Just the name really, as a character I have yet to see more of personality, but Faithful. It seems a bit...not subtle, (Granted if you are going for My Little Pony names then I guess they aren't that subtle to begin with) but it still seems that way to me. Keep the name if you like but maybe add more to him then just being "Faithful" as the story progresses
6170446 It's months have passed.
6170495 Thanks, i'll have it fixed.
6170660 No prob.
6170463 Faithful might be his name but that is not all there is to him. He is gonna get developed and there is gonna be more to him than just being faithful. We plan on having more to him than that as keeping him as such would just make him one dimensional and extremely dull. And if the name bothers you then all i have to say is: I'm sorry but the name is here to stay.
Interesting premise, certainly worth sticking around for a while to see how it goes
6171831 It makes me happy that you feel that way.
Hm... not sure if Faithful Servant is creepy or just a nice guy with too much $$ on his hands...
More investigation is required,
s6.postimg.org/5ul2jmext/continue_Monkey.jpg
6173974 Definitely a creep.
Interesting...
6174383 You're lying.
6174488 Why would I be lying? I'd like to see where this goes so I've placed it on my Tracking list. If I find I like it further in, I'll Favourite it.
6174501 Just a joke. I am very pleased that you found my story worthy of being on any of your lists. I hope that I will please you with my next chapter
6174813 Sorry if I took the joke too hard. I believe this story will not disappoint.
Handful of minor errors here and there but nothing glaring. Proofreader wouldn't be a terrible idea. :3 In any case, I look forward to seeing where this will go.
Only found two errors while reading through it but I wasn't actively looking for'em.
Should be "Her eyes too were now dull and lifeless."
Should be "Sonata had always been the one that brought back the most money."
I like where this is going. Please continue.
6175734 If you say so
6175189 yeah, a proofreader would be nice. I'm currently looking for one. As for the grammatical errors, thanks for pointing them out, I'll make sure to have them fixed.
6177597 Mm might message and ask Alticron if he'd be willing to do it. S'one of my editors and the guy's great, but I'm not sure if he's currently taking on new stories.
6177707 You sure? Because i would hate to bother him if he is not interested.
6177717 Mm, I'll ask him for you. :3
6177717 I asked him for you. Sadly, he's full up. Have you tried posting in the Looking for Editors thread yet?
6177725 Oh well, thanks for trying, much appreciated. There is a thread like that?
6177748 Whole group for it. Just make sure to read this before posting/requesting. :3
6177992 Thanks, friend, I'll check it out.
“I get excited for Taco Tuesday once and suddenly I'm “Taco Lady” for life"
i.ytimg.com/vi/TxIgTs6HUyY/maxresdefault.jpg
I've never really had a thing for third-person stories that address the audience. Just doesn't sit right with me.
Not really sure what to make of this yet.
Though this is mostly just me being tired
.
I think that should be others' (note the apostrophe)
you just couldn't resist the pun, could you?
6179879
glad I'm not the only person that thought that line was hilarious.
... and their dog!
Blasted meddling kids! What's a villain...
(Wait for it...)
... to Doo?