• Member Since 1st Sep, 2013
  • offline last seen Feb 10th, 2016

FunFunFUN


YAYAYAYAYAAY

T

Description: Winter has passed and Sunset was relieved of seeing a great first day of spring ahead of her. That day was cut short when the three troublesome sirens walked into the building of CHS. The Trio made a agreement with Principle Celestia and Luna to be good and keep attending the school. AND WHO DO THEY THINK IS THE PERFECT CANDIDATE TO TEACH THEM FRIENDSHIP? Yes you guessed it...season one Twilight...Sunset shimmer.

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 33 )

Okay not a bad concept but seriously you need to work on your grammar. It's not so much misspelled words as it is sentence structure. Some of your sentences make no sense or are unnecessary. You need to re-word your story as well.

5449692 Well, I have to agree with you. Just by reading the description made me think so. I still haven't read it, though.

I have to agree that the grammar and sentence structure could use some work. Have you thought about getting an editor?

bacon haired friend

:rainbowlaugh: That never fails to make me laugh.

"Oh, well what I was going to say was, the student body wasn't very...nice to you after the events of the fall formal. It took you and your friends to defeat these girls for the school to notice the good in you. So I was wondering if you know so much about reforming and using friendship to accomplish anything.” “Oh no!” “If you can…” “Oh please no!” “Get Twilight and get her to reform these girls?” “What?”

:rainbowhuh: That last part just left me confused. You might wanna separate the different lines of dialogue into different paragraphs. It usually reads easier that way.

Overall, it's a decent concept, but the errors and mistakes in the grammar and sentence structure hold it back. It makes the story feel rather disjointed, but getting a good editor to help you out should fix that. Good luck!

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Don't worry everyone I have a great friend to help me out here so don't freak out he is a pretty good writer himself.

Proof! https://www.fimfiction.net/user/Shaud

5449794 Your "good writer" friend has THIS in a story description:

Sunset Shimmer: Ex-Queen bee of CHS. Ex-She-deamon. Ex-villain. Overall bad-ass.

However, as the hair 5 are learning

And frankly shouldn't be editing for anyone. Get a real editor.

Besides the grammar/sentence structure, I really like this story. It has some good lines, and I like the idea of Celestia tricking Sunset into working with the girls... Good work so far.

5450177 Holy crap talk about shitting on fellow bronies are you always this aggressive? I mean I asked him he said yes. YOU need to take a chill pill and notice how much of dick you sound. I don't get it why get mad on a non professional writing website. If I wrote a book and it was horrible sue me, but a fan fiction website? Ok be mad at me not Shaud he did nothing but write and respect peoples stories. Something you should be doing yourself mister 57 stories, I think when you popped up on the featured you became cocky as fuck. BRA...calm the fuck down.

Uhm... I really don't want to say that your editor is bad, but... you could use a real editor?
I mean, while we can understand what's actually going on, we need punctuation to read it well.

5450606 I get it we can be dicks sometimes. look when you post on a site like this people are going to comment and some of them might not be so nice. Most people who comment about grammar issues are just trying to point it out that's all.

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Guys it's under edit as we speak, he never edit the story yet. As you can see he didn't even know what happened in the chapter.

Family guy joke. Classic.
Adagio hair joke. Classic.
Sonata intensity over tacos. Classic.

I'll. see where this goes.

They're wearing JUST gym t-shirts and shoes?

Why does for them meat code word for cocks?

5717241 Meat?....maybe and yes...with pants gosh you!:rainbowlaugh:

Oof!
Moms a vegetarian so I now a bit how she's feeling right now

Awesome! :rainbowdetermined2:
friend, good to see you again :twilightsmile:
I can not wait!! :pinkiehappy:

Wubcake reference
:pinkiehappy:

I like your art :twilightsheepish:
but sometimes when public chapters of your stories, have flaws spelling :applejackunsure:

I like your story I have not missed any chapter but if you have some errors in spelling but in spite of all your story is very good and keeps up:pinkiehappy:

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FINALLY THANK YOU!!!

I was hoping someone would comment on my chapters.
Thanks for the support!!!

More cheesy puns!

Even though I'm not good at criticizing; something I'll like to say that readers do like enjoy lengthly word chapters at 2,000 - 4,000 words (average), 4,000 - 8,000 (above average), and 8,000 - no limit (high). Where readers do like read in the average to above average a lot, making a compelling read for them. I hope that help a bit

6132315 True enough, I really don't have a highly known story to be doing so much once I have enough like then I'll do that but anyway thanks!

AHAHAH slams her face into a locker - what happened to a pinch?
whoo, Principal Celestia is just as much a troll as the Princess.
LOL at short Adagio, that's a great point - she must be a lot shorter if her heels are that big
this has some grammar type errors sprinkled about, but nothing that really impede reading/enjoyment.

poor Sunset Shimmer... 10 or 20 is enough to lose count? I guess I try not to count the things I like to eat either :twilightsheepish:

"Hey Sonata," Pinkie hops to her smiling, "Yeah?" Sonata smiles. "Wanna...ARGUE?"
... ...
"Yeah we're all friends!" Pinkie hugs Sonata.

^that is REALLY funny
I like that AJ and RD were more or less on board immediately, RD always seems to have trouble with it. hah 'Skittles'

"LIGHTS NOW PUNS LATER!"

there's a lot of tongue-in-cheek humor (though I don't think all of it is on purpose), it runs a little fast and lacks detail - as a result some things don't logic together very well. then spelling/grammar/incorrect words stuff
interesting enough though

I usually can ignore grammer and spelling if the story is compelling enough. Yours is fun and light hearted but not to over the top, which is a good thing. I think you could practice building up suspense or lengthening scenes. The aria in the dark scene could have been drawn out. When rushed it felt like rarity just somehow always knew about her being afraid of the dark. Now if the two had argued, fought about helping with raritys fashion, etc. after awkwardness rarity remembers arias scared face from when the schools power went out during a rally. Then she decides to tease Aria. When the power actually goes out then they get really scared. You could have them hearing noises and creaks. Then build up to them finding her dad.


Only real negative I would say is this chapter. If you want to ask your readers for help or update them on the status of the fic you can post blogs. Posting chapters seems like you're trying to get it on the updated section for a bit. not to mention it really disappoints when I am ready as hell and think you got a new chapter but instead it's basically a blog.

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