• Member Since 3rd Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen Last Wednesday


Hey! I like Derpy. And butts. And Derpy's butt. Other butts are cool too, though. ~TOOWC


Comments ( 294 )

Oh boy, this gun be gud.

Pacing's good, grammar's not as bad as other fictions, and I can tell who's speaking at any given time.

That said, your narration feels like it was done by a sportscaster (and not a very good one at that) and your dialogue is mechanical, flat, and simply uninteresting. The OC did not seem surprised in the least when Derby told him she worked at the Post Office nor did he come off terribly worried when she returned his incomplete map.

This fic has potential, you just need to make your narrative feel less like a blow-by-blow analysis and make your characters more expressive.

Good luck, bud.

5034679 Thank you! I was worried, of course, since it was the first fic, and now I'll know what I need to fix in future chapters. Again, thanks!

This story seems to be very sweet.

Derpy and sex? Mnmn, looks interesting :pinkiecrazy:

Lol that map remix made me laugh.

Despite the rough patches noted in comments, I'm just charged up someone else is doing interspecies romance work. And with an uncommon character for it.

I'm definitely gonna see an eye on this......anthro, budding romance or at the very least a deep friendship, and Derpy/Ditzy as the main character. I love to see that happening, because it isn't that often.

I also like Dinky as her little girl, though I am surprised that she may be similar to Twilight as far as magical talent. Not Element of Magic talented, but more so than the average unicorn. I don't like the reason why Derps has Dinky, but I've got to hand it to her--she grown past it where she knows it's just a part of her life and not the THE part of her life.

Also, I love Derpy as a M.I.L.F.....soon enough Rush will feel the same. hehehe:trollestia:

The story seems good
Your writing could use a bit of work though. There's not enough details put into many scenes, and it feels slightly rushed
But other than that, I look forward to how the story will progress!

This is a story worth following in my opinion. Keep up the good work.

Thank you!
Yeah, I know. Like I said, I expected such things for my first story, but I'm ever so happy that no hate has come yet!
Sooner than you know...
And thanks!

5036469 You're welcome. How soon will you be able to update?

anthro zebra stallions

I won't set my standards awfully high but when I come out of this I'll be more than happy to give you pointers.

5037535 As long as it's constructive, I'll accept any and all criticism!

Well i don't usually read clop but still

Just going to give some help, I think your story has to much dialogue and it makes it seemed rushed. If you were to add some details or tell about the scenery or even show what they are thinking in between the talking bits the story would be really paced good and seem even better! Other than that real good first story so far and keep up with long chapters like this one.

Ok, same notes as several of the other posters. The pacing is rushed, the dialogue is stiff, and the build up is somewhat unbelievable. The basic idea is solid though, the characterizations are pretty good, and it has a fair bit of room for growth. The worst part was the assault scene :facehoof:, it was done far too soon, they had just met after all.

As for fixing things, take your time with where your going. In a story its always about the journey, not the destination. Give yourself time to build up tensions, it makes the payoff more satisfying. And always read your dialogue out loud, that will let you know if its sounds like something someone would say or not.

Also great choice of cover art. Attracting attention is always good.

5038058 Thank you!
Man I really do appreciate all of these pointers. I was expecting a LOT worse, it being my first story and all.

That cover art is fucking delicious.


Because muffins? :trollestia:

5038058 Pretty much this. It's not solid or even decent, but it's workable. Keep writing and learning the craft more, it'll help you immensely.

5040115 Thanks for the advice, and the favorite!

Hot much? Also, did you make the cover art or...? (Link please?) :derpytongue2:


when Derby told him

Vroom, vroom! :derpytongue2:

5044859 I am inside the Derpy derby car :rainbowwild:

5045066 You're inside of Derpy, eh?
Is it wet?

Needs some work, but its good and its got great potential. keep working on it my friend. :derpytongue2:

btw love the cover art.


Oh my:derpyderp1: I think she must be in season. pony derby season.:heart:

So adorable, need more :pinkiehappy:

"...which barely managed to contain his crotch." barely managed to contain his crotch. contain his crotch. crotch Stop reinforcing stereotypes (Because most people believe zebras to be African, cuz ya know, Zecora, and all that jizz jazz) you... person who I have never met and therefore cannot judge!

Remembuh, Ah love's me some constructive criticisms!

It's a rather cute little story, can't wait for more.

hmmm all seems rushed but it's still good

stay classy:moustache:

i like it, still seems like the stories rushed abit

stay classy:moustache:

Once again you did a good work, also have a nice day!!

I love it. But I need MOAR!!! :flutterrage:

5299074 Well, that's good. But you must WAIT.

*looks through feed sees chapter* finally you took a long time sir hut you are forgiven

This story is amazing I'm happy you updated it can't wait for the next chapter


Derpy sighed, enjoying the feeling, and then suddenly noticed a hard feeling just under her stomach.
“Hey, what’s that?” Dinky asked, staring down at Rush’s erection.
“H-honey, maybe you should...let us g-get dressed…”Derpy said nervously.
“Can I have one of those?” Dinky asked curiously.

This has made me chuckle.
You have done well today.

Glad I made somebody happy.

5299026 I agree and the Orange being his fav flavor was kinda ridiculous but I could let that slide. Just slow down some mores bro.
- A Caring Fan :eeyup:

Comment posted by foxmcloud23 deleted Nov 26th, 2014
Comment posted by TheOnlyOneWhoCared deleted Nov 26th, 2014
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