• Member Since 11th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen 6 days ago

TheGreatEater


Comments ( 198 )

Can't say I've ever seen this ship before.

4853353
I have. A couple of times.

Cakes Confectionery Emporium

Don't you mean Sugarcube Corner?

4853433

In my fics, I use Sugar Cube corner like you'd use a street name, or a shopping district. The place were all the sweets shops are at. At least in the fics of mine where I use the Cake's, or Bonbon's shop.


4853353

Only twice for me, but they were only oneshots. I haven't been able to find any good multi-chapters ones. So I made one :twilightsmile:.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/204828/suppressed [Futa Dinky, with Dinky coming into her first estrus, and needing her mother's help with "unicorn problems"].

and

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/115442/mommys-muffins

[Dinky and Sparkler giving their mother a very special Hearth's Warming Eve gift.]

They're both pure adorable fluff, mixed with a nice amount of happy sex.


4853396

Other than the above two, know any other good ones?

4853396 really? i'm in the same boat as the other guy. i would love to see the other stories that had this pair in them. if it's not a problem, that is.

4853715 There's also the fic Special that has them it, though everyone is rule 63'd.

I was under the impression that Derpy was still a bit uneasy with the more adult side of the supposed romance: it was a little surprising to see her get used to it so quickly.:applejackunsure: Just my take on the proceedings, mind you.

4859352

How I saw it this early in the fic was a mix of Clopper's Dilemma™*, not originally knowing when I'd get to where it'd be okay to start writing clop in the fic, Derpy saying "Buck it, I'm going to enjoy it while I can." [in case like her other relationships they mostly went bust [99%]], and underestimating how many chapters were going to be in the fic :pinkiehappy:. Hopefully though you like the later chapters.

*: Should I, or should I not have ponies buck sooner rather than later?

Great start! Dinky is super adorable. I'm really interested to see the development of her relationship with Derpy. Dinky's naivete gives me high hopes for seeing some interesting growth in her.

I'm really sorry I'm slow reading, but I really do love the start.

4862504

D'awww thanks, and a slow start is still a start :raritywink:.

Derpy getting her hopes up builds good anticipation. There's some good tension with the uncertainty about how she'll react and how Dinky will respond in turn.

4863441

Thanks :twilightsmile:. I'm glad you're enjoying the fic so far :pinkiehappy:. I'm two days away from posting the rest of the fic up, and I'm actually quite proud of this fic and how it turned out.

If there is clop in this, shouldn't you add the sex tag?

You should fix every single image you use to change scenes
4vector.com/thumb_data/afd-104049.jpg

:facehoof: thought I put the sex tag on. Thanks for pointing out that, and for the img, problem. Don't know why it didn't work on the chapters before chapter 4 :fluttershbad:. Thanks for pointing those out.

One of the first things they all noticed when they woke up in a sexy pony pile was that there was no hiding the smell. It saturated into everything in the room bringing back vivid memories of what they did the night before. Their collective bodies felt everything they did together and along with that came body shuddering mini-orgasms.
“Okay, if anypony asks why we had random orgasms. We tell them Derpy for me and Dinky for you Sweets are just that good to us. And no we didn’t find having sex near one another weird. Although Sweets,” Twilight said looking lustily at her lover, “You were amazing last nigh

This whole part has already been said, delete it.
Something similar happened in previous chapter.

Other problems: You some times write Dinky were you should have written Derpy. Bad punctuation, a few words where they shouldn't be, a bit of bad grammar.

Loving the story so far! Consensual foalcon romance is the best :pinkiehappy: And I don't think I've ever seen Twilight and Sweetie paired before. I look forward to seeing how their personalities interact :twilightsmile:

I don't, however, look forward to the futa stuff... but hopefully there'll be enough proper lesbian sex to keep me happy, or I can just skip the clop and read it for the romance.

Also, I've noticed quite a few typos so far... want me to list them as I go? Two for this chapter:

“Hmmm … honestly ask your lover first, and I’ll ask mind

mine

“As I told Sweetie Belle earlier, I happy

I'm

And the whole chapter seems to be copy/pasted twice, except for the last chunk with Twilight and Sweetie. I don't want to seem like a grumpy nitpicker, because I really don't care much about minor technical errors in a good story, but I don't mind helping to fix them either, if you want :twilightsmile:

4860170 The suspension of disbelief was interrupted for me at Dinky's big reveal last chapter, and it took reading this chapter for me to feel absorbed again. I was anticipating more shock or anxiety from Derpy when she found out it was her daughter. That's not to say her reaction wasn't good. After I read on a bit more I liked and accepted that her reaction wasn't too severe, but it still feels like there's no foundation for why Derpy accepted so easily without being disappointed or afraid. Since the love is forbidden there must be some consequence for it, a reason to fear being caught, unless their world is very different than ours. If there's something to fear for Derpy, I didn't see that. If there's not so much too fear, I'd like that just as well, but I didn't think your universe seemed that different from ours, so I was caught off guard. Otherwise there could stand to be some corrections made, but I'm not picky there when reading others' stories.

I like how you've written the other ponies' misunderstanding of their relationship, their date, and Dinky's dress. The time they spent on the cloud was sweet. Lots of d'awws everywhere.

The kiss was really sweet and sensual! There's a paste error in this chapter. You have the whole thing written twice shortly after this part:

Dinky felt her lips being sucked and rubbed by the older mare’s.

Just delete the beginning duplicate and that will fix it.

Twilight's reaction was good. The bit about the relationship being illegal helps explain why they're nervous about it.

Another paste error after this part:

With that Derpy grinned and continued their meal in a happy silence.

Again, just delete the first duplicate and it will be fixed.

The polyamory is really heartwarming and a wonderful solution for the 2 couples!

Also, cute nicknames!

4874461

Thanks, I did slightly more to say why this type of thing is illegal in Rubies in my Punch [which needs my other pre-reader /editors to give it a once over], and I'm happy that the suspension of disbelief wasn't too shattered by last chapter. My reasoning for Derpy's acceptance, at least in my head is a mix of, Chapter 12 big reveal of Derpy's, lots of failed relationships and feeling Dinks is different, having known Dinky since she popped out of the womb [so there's familiarity and closeness you don't usually get for quite a few dates normally]. and idk it's just how it came to me and my editors / pre-readers didn't think to change it.

4874524
4872987
4873041


3 Pre-readers X Editors, and that stuff still pops up :derpyderp1:. Thanks all of you for pointing that out, and I have no idea why it made duplicates when I posted those chapters :facehoof:. Thank all of you for pointing them out.

4873041

Sure. If you feel like pointing stuff out that my editors and pre-reader's might've missed, then the more eyes the better. And thank you for taking the time to point them out.

4874692 I can definitely sense why Derpy was so quick to accept Dinky by chapter 5 or 6. It just caught me off guard since I didn't know as much about Derpy early on. Also, in real life, mothers, even those who've been through lots of rejection and feel close and loved by their children, might not typically accept their own child's romantic advances (but then, really, what do I know, y'know? :twilightsheepish:) I guess it depends on your target reader, but, even a real life mother who actually has a crush on her underage daughter (I'm positive they exist), reading this, might be surprised about Derpy's reaction without knowing how desperate she is for love and, more importantly, what makes her not cringe at the thought of being with her own daughter vs. a mother who can't stand the thought.

Oh, and I also wanted to say I really like that they''ve waited so long before making love!

4874813

True, and thanks :twilightsmile:. I could've probably worked on that angle before rather than after :twilightblush:, but I'm glad it worked out as you got to learn more about Derpy. That and I personally had it so easy since in the only two clopfics I know about [4th comment from the bottom] have her doing it with less :facehoof:. So I always saw it in head canon as something that Derpy naturally would do if the situation arose, but in most fics never does.

And I'm glad that the wait made their special moment worth it.

“Well … yeah … kinda,” Dash said sheepishly, “But still its her fault that, that Ursa Minor came to Ponyville.”

“And did she tell them to go do that?”

You are missing something over here. Them? who are "them"? We know it's Snips and Snails, but when writing a story, you should write those things.

when there parents should’ve been there to stop them?”

their.

Honestly, there are too many mistakes, I don't feel like pointing each one of them.

4874922

I'll fix those, and don't need too. If you want too cool, but if you don't then you don't have to do anything more than read what you feel like reading. If three people looking through the fics missed them on their comb through, then *shrugs* it happens. Especially with almost 47k written in a little over 8 day. As for the "them comment", they mentioned talking to Trixie, and that they heard about what happened from Twilight's friendship report. So I thought it'd be obvious that the ponies in the conversation would know who did what. Since they have bits and pieces from different ponies on the events of the episodes where Trixie showed up.

That and it was said in chapter 11 that Celestia and Luna have limited omniscience [Via Peeping Tom dimension, and memories lifted in dreams]. So it's not that far off that they'd know enough to know the names of the colts involved to one degree or another.


[edit]

http://www.grammar-monster.com/easily_confused/there_their_theyre.htm : Checked. It was "there" since it was a place / location. Rather than a form of possession.

4874956 Still, about the "them" comment, in that chapter, in that conversation, you are leaving things to be filled by the reader, but It still needs to be mentioned that were two colts the ones that brought the Urza. Why? Because Rainbow wasn't present when they were mentioned previously. She wrongly thinks that it was Trixie. The one you are leaving out of the loop is Rainbow.

4874977

Fixed. Although I thought Rainbow would know since she was in the sidelines, congratulated Twilight on kicking ursa flank, and was there for "the punishment" after Twilight told Rainbow Dash to let Trixie go. Sure she'd blame Trixie for basically being "a liar, liar, pants-on-fire" and if it wasn't for her tall tale Snips and Snails wouldn't have done that. But she'd know who "they" were since all of Ponyville was practically on the sidelines watching the thing go down. [which adds onto the question on why all the unicorns in Ponyville never took a step forward to help, or suggest a bigger punishment than what those two got ... seriously if you're a kid in Equestria your life sucks even more than on Earth].

Okay, finally finished reading this.

My thoughts: You said that the story was written in about 8 days, so there are bound to be a lot of mistakes in the story, and a few parts that felt rushed. A lot of things were so random in this, I just stopped caring about the story. In some parts, the story isn't smooth, and again, bad punctuation.
Of course, those things doesn't matter if someone is reading this for the clop/taboo.

Score: 4.5/10

Also, "Fin"? Then change the status of these story from incomplete to complete

"...You don’t mind Celestia sleeping with you do you?”

I was cracking up during that part, and again during this one! :rainbowlaugh:

"...you and your crusader friends sleep with each other all the time. This isn’t any different.”

Nicely done:rainbowlaugh:

4875390

Sorry it took awhile to get to this comment. Even though it got a subpar rating, thank you for taking the time out of your day to give this fic a go and give it your opinion. Btw, that avatar is a pretty awesome Pinkie Pie.


4876455

Thanks :twilightsmile:.

4876676 Atually, it's Fluttershy(new Fluttershy). And if you get someone to really edit this story, it could go up to a 8/10.

4876691

:pinkiegasp:, 8/10 ... honestly don't know who I'd add on. Had three different peeps enter and fix stuff up from the 4th till last night. But yeah someday I'll probably ask around for new blood to comb through and give it a massive overhaul with any retconing that might need to be done.

New Fluttershy :fluttershbad:, I actually feel bad that I haven't seen any fics about her. Still pretty BAMF.

This chapter give me Adorabities!

:rainbowderp: (And i'm just sitting here reading her dreams like: Luna goes into ponies dreams.... :rainbowderp: was that really luna?!)

4882211

:trollestia: Could be :scootangel:. After all the line between a pony just dreaming about her, and her accidentally walking in on a dream that she becomes a sexual part of is a very fine line. But either way, Dinky was happy, and if Luna was there, she had a very interesting experience with one of her little ponies. :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

4882279 Oh so very true!

Them ponies are oh so lucky.... >.<

:pinkiehappy: I really like this fic!

I've just managed to finish the story. I enjoyed it I really did! The last chapter was kinda bla to me but the rest of the story was pretty epic....

I know the last chapter shows whats happening but its like it did not conclude on a good note to me.... Its like it just started a race war everywhere; which is pretty horrible... But I guess I can see that happening...

Other then that its a wonderful story, I enjoyed it!

The image below the second note in chapter two isn't quite right. It comes through as just a filename with img tags.

4886609

Fixed. Thanks for point that out :twilightsmile:.

4886450

Thank you, yeah a part of me wanted to show that their is negative fall out inverse from them coming out. But near the end, I also wanted to show that inverse, those that do come out [and are good ponies] have a strong network of ponies who will stand by them, as well as others like themselves that will support and protect them. Even with the Purification of Equestrian Society Society being a bunch of dunderheads.

Since a lot of incest / foalcon fics never really address that. But I didn't want to AU to suck by my favorite characters loosing their special someponies. Trust me though in later arcs of this AU. The Herds will become even more BAMF then they are right now starting up.

4886634
Also spotted it in chapter 5. After that it is fine until at least chapter 12.

I did like the prep talk Sweetie got from Dinky. It was a really sweet to see their relationship blossom like that.

Sweetie's cutie mark is terrific!

As for Rarity, what will we ever do with her?. :raritywink:

Yep! Super fluffy chapter. The whole story is cuddle-worthy, of course.
static.fjcdn.com/pictures/it_70db2b_2502396.jpg

:rainbowlaugh: That novice erotic massage!

Apple Bloom was certainly shocked, but it was nice to see Scootaloo support the herd and the herd talk about getting Rainbow and Scoots together. I think Twilight as alpha makes sense, even if Derpy is more experienced, and it will be neat to see the next set of dates!

4888077

D'awwww! Fluffy was definitely the goal, and thanks for the compliments. Yep, the next series of dates are going to be ... interestingly awesome. IMO, no spoilers.

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