• Member Since 19th Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen Monday

Mike the Red

I do this just for fun -- but sometimes I take myself a little too seriously. I know life's too short, but -- you know...

Comments ( 37 )

:derpytongue2:commenting for the sake of commenting:derpytongue2:

He is way to calm.
Why is he so picky and bold?

I have to be honest, i like the story a bit already, but i can´t take that Human seriously, he is a bit to mean and well he is to calm. and i have thought Sweetiebell would come back with some help, because i think i had read that she screamed at him.

One moment he is nice, then he don´t like everything and tried to be the boss there. Even if Rarity is somehow a bit out of Character maybe, i am not sure but i like her.

Your story is not bad but i thought he would be the other Mare i saw at the picture and well let just say i expected it to be a bit different.

I think Rarity should not change so fast and every second be mean and then suddenly nice
Your Rarity is insane and the Human is somehow everything at once, mean, nice, bold,honest,picky,lying i don´t know. This is the moment i have to stop with the story.

Sorry i usually don´t write something like that and i don´t know how young you maybe are, but this is a bit to mixed for me....., yeah i think you couls say it like this.

5024967 This version of Rarity is a bit on the psychotic side -- she suffers from a chemical imbalance in her brain which causes her to experience wild mood swings, not to mention she is also a little vain. The human is still trying to determine what he really wants, and being presented with so many choices is like being a kid in a candy store. I would reveal more, but that would spoil the upcoming part of the story.

Thanks for commenting. :twilightsmile:

As a side comment, I had no idea this story would be so polarizing...l:rainbowhuh:

Not sure yet how to feel about this one. :facehoof:
So who's the next (un)lucky contestant? :pinkiecrazy:

I tried. I really did man, but your character is too much of an ass, even by my standards, for me to continue. Your character in here seems a bit like a few people I know which also makes me want to stop. I can't see that much character development coming. The Rarity you have is kind of okay but you made her personality a bit more extreme than it is in the show. I mean, she is a fashionista and loves styling herself and her friends up but she is still sensible and she still prizes her friends and her sister highly! She threw a fashion show in Canterlot because her friends weren't there, she got covered in mud and went on an obstacle course just because her sister wanted her to. It's true she's selfish but you have her so desperate that it's sad. Your character, however is just an ass that manipulates. Your character is also a huge hypocrite. He preaches only to use Boku-Maru a few times a day yet he keeps doing it with others whenever he wants. There's more I can say but I'm too tired. Your writing style is okay and readable. I'd like to see more of your writing if you have a main character that isn't like this. Good luck in you future writings and I hope that you take this as constructive criticism and not bashing. Your writing's good just work on making three dimensional characters as well as a main character that has at least a few redeeming qualities or ones that many of the readers can sympathize with. :ajbemused:
Anyway, thank you and I wish you luck in your future writings.:pinkiesmile:

I start reading this, then wonder what the hell I'm reading. It's not bad but it's just, what am I reading?!

5171543 Yeah, it is kinda random -- I intended it to be something of a love triangle type of story with a random adventure element to it...:twilightsmile:


But seriously, I enjoyed this story and would love to see it continued.

I didn't think this story would prove to be so provocative that so many would down vote it -- I would at least request that those down votes be cast regarding poor literary quality as opposed to simple objection of the subject matter.

Whatever the case, I will allow this story to stand, despite the number of people who decided it wasn't their cup of tea.

Where's your toilet paper? I need something to wipe my ass with." I chuckled as she winced again. "I don't wanna leave skid marks on my drawers," I added.

Just use your thumb... Or do it like Afghanistan and use your left hand!

5276865 :rainbowlaugh: Good one, I hadn't thought of that... :pinkiehappy:

He never did go to the hospital to verify if his bones had healed. Sounds rather stupid for a 49 year old man who just got his shin broken. Also, the characters come off as shallow. Milky sleeps with him just because he flatters her? He bedded 2 mares and did a ton of foreplay with other mares? And then there's the whole portrayal of Rarity's character. Her being a serial killer doesn't really fit with the tone of the story, nor does it portray Rarity with a serial killer's psyche. I'll keep reading, but as a story, this is rather unsatisfying.

At this point, I'm wondering if Mike isn't bipolar. He yells at her to not call her Michael when as a pony, but doesn't yell at her for calling him Michael when as a human. I'm also wondering if he's not trying to destroy what happiness he can get in Equestria. Rarity didn't work out (so far) because she's a serial killer. Milky only expresses her disapproval and he blows up in her face. I get that relationships aren't easy and that friction between two individuals will happen, but he's handling it like an angst ridden teenager, rather than the rational, reasonable near-senior citizen that he's supposed to be.

5424086 Thanks for the comments. I will try to improve my story-telling. :twilightsmile:

5741228 Thanks for evening things out a little. :pinkiehappy:

How is possible that they did not have enough proof of Rarity? The 20 pelts or more are not enough? Also... If Michael know about the basement and the secret life of Rarity, maybe it could be a good idea to check Sweetie so that she don't continue like she do in the sequel of that story.

6072108 She had a really good lawyer...:pinkiehappy:

OOOOH! I gotta get an early start on planning that party for you! It's gonna be super-duper spectacu-fabbo-super-duper-boffo! You're gonna LOVE it!" Pinkie chirped joyfully as she bounded up and down in place.

I thought she was going to say supercalafragalisticexpialadoshus

How many times has he asked for clothes from Rairity?
This is the worst service ever.

Reminds my of pony anthropology three when a dalek had raitys colors and kept saying "Destroy Destroy Destroy."

"I'm Officer Brutality," he replied curtly, glaring at me again. In the light, I noticed the burly stallion was a deep brown earth pony, his mane a mix of grey and black, his eyes a steely grey. The officer pony seated at the table was a pale yellow unicorn stallion, his mane and tail a mix of orange and red. He smiled warmly at me.
"State your name for the record, please," he began. He readied an ink quill, his aura a pale yellow

Woah just like me. I sometimes discise as a yellow unicorn with red and orange hair.

How about a towel? You have a bath towel I can wrap around my waist?"
"I'll go get you one," she offered as she trotted to another closet, returning with a large white towel in her mouth. I took it gently.

Thought of this scene from icarly igo to Japan...

"I'm okay now, my love," I replied. I gave her a quick kiss on the lips before opening the front door of the apartment building at trotted towards the street as Milky Way closed and locked the building behind her. On a whim, I created a car key from a broken piece of metal I saw laying on the street and stuck it in the lock and turned it. A loud roaring noise which sounded like a car's engine starting up was heard.
"What's that?" the mare asked in shock.
"Take your key and open the door again," I chuckled.
"What for?" she asked.
"We're gonna drive the building around," I grinned.
"How do we do that?" she asked, but opened the door for me. I trotted in and beckoned her to follow me, then began the trek up the stairs again. The building continued to idle as we went upstairs to her apartment, then I trotted to a window of her apartment overlooking the street. Almost as if by magic, a car's steering wheel materialized at the window, along with foot pedals. The mare stood in stunned silence as I pushed my right hind hoof on the right pedal, the engine sounding as though it were revving up. I looked for a gear selector and noticed it to the right of the steering wheel. I moved it to what looked like the letter D as the building lurched violently forward, a loud screaming of various ponies being heard as the building left its foundation and began moving down the street.
"What -- how is this even possible?" asked Milky Way as she watched us move the building around.
"I heard about this and wondered if it might work," I mused in response, but then heard a wailing siren from somewhere. I noticed what appeared to be a police officer trying to pull us over, so I slowed the building down and brought it to a stop. The policepony trotted up and looked up at me.
"Hey! Where do you live?!" he asked, practically shouting the question at me.
I looked down at him and shouted back, "Right here!"
The policepony grumbled something and trotted off, perhaps back to his station.
"Come on, love, let's see where we are," I offered, then made my way back to the stairs, the milkmare repeating the earlier process of closing and locking the apartment door behind her. As we made it to the street, a line of ponies had formed on the street in front of the building. They seemed to be quite angry at having their progress stopped, but my anger was just as evident. "Get the Hell out of my driveway!" I exclaimed indignantly, causing them to whinny and neigh in protest, but they dispersed and found another way to get where they were going.

Ha heh ha heh the best part was when the officer asked"where do you live?"

This is really, really weird. What is Boku Maru? Why does Rarity immediately want him? Why is everypony so calm? Why do people like this story more than my one?

6580917 Boku-Maru is a Kurt Vonnegut reference -- google is a good place to start.
I suppose the seeming calmness is OOC, but that's how I wrote the story.
Rarity is desperate for a stallion, regardless of species -- perhaps a little too desperate...

Popularity is relative -- and this story is quite provocative, though that's not what I intended.

There is a sequel in the works...

Chapter 1:

-No backstory, just oh look I just woke up in raritys bed and she goes from please don't hurt me to lets get married within aroundabout a 5 minute conversation.
-No structure, all stories have a beginning, a middle and an end. Your beginning starts in the middle of the story giving a strong hint of an ending (removing the lead up) while saying the clé shé "oh I lived in the human world and here's a complete explaination of you're tv show and my favorite pony is twilight and................." yeah I starting not paying attention here.
-No depth, characters gain depth as you guide the reader through the characters life (whole life or intricate period) but you're too forthright with the main guys and your rarity basically piling everything onto the plate in one go.
-I did like when you had rarity call trixie a trollop.

A lot of fic writers fall into the trap of writing down their own personal ideal trip to Equestria which can make you lazy and leave out important info because you're so familiar with your own ideals that documenting them takes a back seat and/or they jump straight into the fic without a baseline plan in place for story start, progression, branching plots(love interests, obsticales requiring teamwork, daily life to help relate to the characters etc...), main plot (depending on how prominant it is in the story, making it less prominant deliberately is pretty advanced writing though), all plots wind-downs/endings and actual ending.

You look to have talent but no writing skill.
Learn to structure a story, decide how you want it to end 1st and work backwards always thinking of the big picture. Some game devs advise things like doing the 1st level last Doom 1 is an example.

I have mixed feelings about this story. The beginning is VERY confusing, and up and down, all over the place. It's not really believable, because I don't think Rarity would just have been up and fine with him waking up next to her from the get go, much less wanting to marry him five minutes later. Same with Twilight. Rarity's mood also changes way to much in the beginning, and that was before she became... evilish. When I say confusing, stuff happened way to fast in the beginning chapters. I would flip the page, and Rarity would be gone, or something else would happen, and I'd be like "Wait, when did she leave, or when did that happen?" The pace was so fast, I couldn't really keep track of everything. Slow down a little.

Once Anon began to live with Milky Way, it got a little better. Rarity was a major annoyance throughout the story, just to keep popping up like that.

Ehhhh, I'm going to give it a dislike for now, because this story needs a major overhaul, no offense. Rewrite the beginning, make it slightly more believable, and it would be better.

Thanks for reading and commenting on my story. As I stated in the description, it was a piece of mind candy, mostly for my own personal enjoyment. I'm not going to rewrite the story, I'll simply let it stand on its own. At this point, it's not worth rewriting/editing/reposting. I have a sequel planned, but I'm still only working on the first chapter -- and given how little time I have for writing anything these days, I doubt it will see publication.

Login or register to comment