I have to be honest, i like the story a bit already, but i can´t take that Human seriously, he is a bit to mean and well he is to calm. and i have thought Sweetiebell would come back with some help, because i think i had read that she screamed at him.
One moment he is nice, then he don´t like everything and tried to be the boss there. Even if Rarity is somehow a bit out of Character maybe, i am not sure but i like her.
Your story is not bad but i thought he would be the other Mare i saw at the picture and well let just say i expected it to be a bit different.
Where's your toilet paper? I need something to wipe my ass with." I chuckled as she winced again. "I don't wanna leave skid marks on my drawers," I added.
Just use your thumb... Or do it like Afghanistan and use your left hand!
This is really, really weird. What is Boku Maru? Why does Rarity immediately want him? Why is everypony so calm? Why do people like this story more than my one?
-No backstory, just oh look I just woke up in raritys bed and she goes from please don't hurt me to lets get married within aroundabout a 5 minute conversation. -No structure, all stories have a beginning, a middle and an end. Your beginning starts in the middle of the story giving a strong hint of an ending (removing the lead up) while saying the clé shé "oh I lived in the human world and here's a complete explaination of you're tv show and my favorite pony is twilight and................." yeah I starting not paying attention here. -No depth, characters gain depth as you guide the reader through the characters life (whole life or intricate period) but you're too forthright with the main guys and your rarity basically piling everything onto the plate in one go. -I did like when you had rarity call trixie a trollop.
A lot of fic writers fall into the trap of writing down their own personal ideal trip to Equestria which can make you lazy and leave out important info because you're so familiar with your own ideals that documenting them takes a back seat and/or they jump straight into the fic without a baseline plan in place for story start, progression, branching plots(love interests, obsticales requiring teamwork, daily life to help relate to the characters etc...), main plot (depending on how prominant it is in the story, making it less prominant deliberately is pretty advanced writing though), all plots wind-downs/endings and actual ending.
You look to have talent but no writing skill. Learn to structure a story, decide how you want it to end 1st and work backwards always thinking of the big picture. Some game devs advise things like doing the 1st level last Doom 1 is an example.
This is beautiful
He is way to calm.
Why is he so picky and bold?
I have to be honest, i like the story a bit already, but i can´t take that Human seriously, he is a bit to mean and well he is to calm. and i have thought Sweetiebell would come back with some help, because i think i had read that she screamed at him.
One moment he is nice, then he don´t like everything and tried to be the boss there. Even if Rarity is somehow a bit out of Character maybe, i am not sure but i like her.
Your story is not bad but i thought he would be the other Mare i saw at the picture and well let just say i expected it to be a bit different.
I start reading this, then wonder what the hell I'm reading. It's not bad but it's just, what am I reading?!
Just use your thumb... Or do it like Afghanistan and use your left hand!
now its 60 60
This is really, really weird. What is Boku Maru? Why does Rarity immediately want him? Why is everypony so calm? Why do people like this story more than my one?
meh
Chapter 1:
-No backstory, just oh look I just woke up in raritys bed and she goes from please don't hurt me to lets get married within aroundabout a 5 minute conversation.
-No structure, all stories have a beginning, a middle and an end. Your beginning starts in the middle of the story giving a strong hint of an ending (removing the lead up) while saying the clé shé "oh I lived in the human world and here's a complete explaination of you're tv show and my favorite pony is twilight and................." yeah I starting not paying attention here.
-No depth, characters gain depth as you guide the reader through the characters life (whole life or intricate period) but you're too forthright with the main guys and your rarity basically piling everything onto the plate in one go.
-I did like when you had rarity call trixie a trollop.
A lot of fic writers fall into the trap of writing down their own personal ideal trip to Equestria which can make you lazy and leave out important info because you're so familiar with your own ideals that documenting them takes a back seat and/or they jump straight into the fic without a baseline plan in place for story start, progression, branching plots(love interests, obsticales requiring teamwork, daily life to help relate to the characters etc...), main plot (depending on how prominant it is in the story, making it less prominant deliberately is pretty advanced writing though), all plots wind-downs/endings and actual ending.
You look to have talent but no writing skill.
Learn to structure a story, decide how you want it to end 1st and work backwards always thinking of the big picture. Some game devs advise things like doing the 1st level last Doom 1 is an example.