Applejack and Twilight are both in love... With each other! But they're so scared of telling the other, that they fail to see the love each has. Both fear the other will not feel the same.
As Applejack follows Pinkie Pie, who's so secretively planning a party that she forgoes conventional methods, even being so clever as to not buy anything Applejack might ask about, Applejack runs for the hills when Pinkie's tail starts twitching. If only she knew the Chaos in her life that would ensue
CoverArt from- Deviant Art user Ukulilia
Chapters (2)
I'm sorry but that looks like three different descriptions. Plus it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Sorry, no read from me.
4788662 im used to only 1 description.... short, sweet to the point. but if your talking about the long one, it's chronological events, sorta. i guess i can re-write it though. any suggestions to help me get this thing to seem more legit, cause it's my first romance work... would like some feedback
4788674 a description is a synopsis, not telling everyone exactly what's going to happen. Saying that AJ confessed to Twilight who she thought was sleeping but it turns out she wasn't is a major spoiler for it and will just give away what's going to happen. In something like this you don't tell the audience that the characters are going to confess in the description, you do it in the story itself. That way it's more interesting than when you tell everyone what's going to happen before they even read it.
That is enough. Just switch "their" with "they're" and it's fine. Everything else is just giving the whole story away. All the advice I can give you.
Before I get into the story itself, I'm gonna point out something about the descriptions:
It's way too long.
A description's job is to be a short-ish summary of some of your story to get potential readers interested in what's going to happen. What you have hear is very detailed and leaves little to the imagination. I mean, let's look at the middle of your description:
Is any of this entirely necessary? I think you could easily shorten (or remove) some/all of this to make your description more concise. The story itself is tagged as a romance, so we all know that it's going to end with happy kissing ponies, which is fine, but your description right now kind of beats that fact over our heads. Make the description shorter and leave something for us to guess about, because right now I feel like I've basically read the abridged version of your story. Look at some of the descriptions of your favourite writers, see what they do to describe a fic decently well but still manage to make it somewhat mysterious and make readers want to read.
4788733 so i'm not used to giving 2 descriptions, sorry. but thanks for the feedback, really. and truthfully i see a story, read one or two lines of the description and just head on in. if i don't like it, at least i gave it a try. That's just what i do, so i was basing it off that, just going full speed last night trying to get it interesting... considering this ship isn't exactly the most popular. but i see your point and have shortened it. hope at least you read and enjoyed, or will do so.
4788687 well the first line is basically my short description with a different twist, and i figured it's a long description. i shortened it and made it a bit less informative though, thank you for the feedback. this helps when i try other stories later.
4788759 there ya go. Left an upvote but still not going to read. As interesting as it sounds, I only just barely ship them. I'm alright with it, but I don't read it very much if at all. Hope this does well, though.
4788781 well, i wouldn't knock it just yet. gave your pro a read (i probably should get mine underway....) but if you enjoy RariPie like i seen, then the second chapter may be for you. the current chapter may have the princess and farmpony, but there's hinting to another ship, as well as the second chapter coming with what i hope more onto said thing.
4788802 leaving just FlutterDash.
I like the Twilight Apple, I hope Applejack plants it and makes a new magic apple treat like they make Zap Apple Jam.
Not bad. It has a few rough edges but I've seen worse. Actually a rather enjoyable story and well written. Have a fave.
4789946 nobody is perfect. but i am glad you enjoyed it. i do try to make up for any rough edges in my story with as much quality of the storytelling as i possibly can.
4790163 which is part of what makes it interest me. The other part is a rather unique approach to TwiJack. The story is solid. No huge jumps very well paced. Needs a bit of proof reading but other than that this story was very good. Keep it up. Oh and try describing a bit more. This critique was brought to you by the word quesadillas and the ratio of 8/10.
4790549 I've been given much grief on too little, and as well as too MUCH detail, and no one can truly be perfect in the eyes of the many when it comes to exactly how much is enough. so understand if i don't put as much detail in describing things as you may like, but know i will do my best.
4790601 in that case my advice is give the story the detail you want...then tell anyone who whines about it to go *naughtyword* themself.
4790814 i know my comment section is full of my comments, but it's part of who i am to write back to the comments i feel i should answer questions, and seem to give good feedback. and thanks for understanding.
The pacing at the beginning is confusing. Some parts you're going really slow and other parts you blaze through. It's also assumed the AJ and Twi love each other from context, however, you don't need that kind of love to protect a friend. AJ's injuries also magically disappear for no reason that I can see.
You could have made a lot of this writing separate chapters and give them real cliffhangers.
How did those stallions get in Twi's castle and get her to ingest drugs anyway?
Will follow, but downvote for now.
4791774 Well, to be honest, I'm still trying to get a better feel for romance and dialogue scenes. I'm not perfect by any means, but i am trying to improve. So my pacing may suffer for now. As for the context and the protecting a friend thing, i thought i had made a context on how protective AJ was for Twilight, not THAT she protected her. Her wounds didn't just vanish in thin air, either. I thought i had incorporated her having lesser wounds from her rest (remember, she's a hard working earth pony, a few bruises won't tether her for long)
When it comes to the chapters, i have made it a point for any of my stories to write 5000 words or more, never any less, when writing a chapter. Personal rule of mine.
The stallions themselves? well, i know it's lazy on my part, but i had to make something to get a dramatic event in, pull on AJ's heartstrings to finally confess, as well as give Twilight trouble with her own confession, giving the general idea of possible rejection.
I understand the downvote if you don't like it, but i feel i should at least explain some things to help better understand.
4791840
Appreciate the response and I did say I'll continue to track and as you improve I may change my vote.
The story has captured my interest. I will patiently await for the next chapter and hold my critic.
4797476 if it is not too much to ask, i would like to know about why the pacing seems off. Whilst i can understand i have a lot of gaps between parts, like the whole night between what happened to twilight and the present, i don't get why the pacing seems as off as suggested.
4798839 the fleshing out was gonna be next chapter anyway, giving perspective to Twilight's PoV, why the stallions did such a thing. I'll admit, i only stuffed that kidnapping attempt as a lazy way of pulling AJ's heart to finally confess, but I've pulled accidental and purposeful laziness into really heavy plot-ties, and people rather enjoyed that style from me.
Just those wouldn't be a big enough chapter, so i would have rainbow and rarity talk it out, maybe some more on how both these lovebirds have tried harder to be with the other once they got together, and of course the ending of such a story needs a special end, which i am still working out. I work on a thin plot and build it. All frameworks are fragile until you build the foundation and support in the right place. This was foundation. Now i need to add support.
Yay, an update!
4847694
sorry, i can't help but LAUGH at that one. I have no idea how this is considered a guilty pleasure, but thank you.
Nice chapter, good story. I can just see Twilight and Applejack's kids running after their Aunt Bloom as part of the next generation of Cutie Mark Crusaders. I like the Lavender Love apples, pure awesome and I wish I could taste some
The thanks author part was hilarious I liked a lot
Great story
I can almost not comprehend the adorableness of this story.
There is at least 5 story's that can be a match to this one. This story is now a part of my top 10 list
Some mistakes hear and there but nothing to noticeable.
~Tobben
well like i had promised i have finally gotten to reading this, though i will say that i'll have to read chapter 2 latter
Anyways i will say that i liked this story, though i am not the biggest fan of this parring (i don't love it but i don't hate it), i will say that it was well done, a few things i would like to point out is that the part with the would be kidnappers proves why Twilight should get her own guards at some point, the PinkieXRarity surprised me, and the ending felt a little more like a open ended ending to a one shot then it felt like a cliffhanger (to me at least), either way this chapter was good and rather well done, good work.
Well this was good, though i have to sort of agree with "Zeyon The Green", in that this chapter felt a little cheesy to me but it was still very good, and it did answer the questions that were left over from chapter 1, again good work.
I love Twijack, and have read a lot of it, but this has been, by far, one of the best. Have a mustache.
I
7393980 i am glad you like this story, even after this long since it's finishing and even though it's basically my introduction to romance in stories in general in a way that plays upon the most cliche of the cliche to do it. sappy and cheesy as all tartarus. so thank you!
and you also have a mustache 
7394677 Thanks. And this story deserves more than a mustache. Really, what was I thinking! Have a yay.
7396419 as long as you like it, thats all i ready need
but thank you very much.
Ok I read the for like the upteenth time and I can't get enough
7554661 im just happy people enjoy it. it's cheesy to the core, so i figured only a select few would even like it for that alone
7555894 I'm not normally a twijack fan either
7555929 i typically don't like fanatic ship fans, as i think, as long as it is done well, and it makes me feel happy reading it, i don't care if it's trixie and big mac, or cherilee and coco. so to see that even if twijack isn't your thing, but this story tickles ya, i am proud of my work.
7555945 yeah my usual favorites r twidash or twishy. Sometimes HIE when it comes romance
7556031 i do got an HiE romance done if you want to look, but that's your choice. regardless, i am glad you enjoy my work
7556047 I think I'll check it out looks like a rainbow dash and hie am I right?
7556056 RD and OC HiE yep. and i am thinking on a sequel for it... but first, the new EG movie
7556062 you I never saw season 5 or 6
7556072 the story is actually before EG 2, rainbow rocks, which means before the end of season 3. but i am waiting for the 4th EG movie for the sequel so i know everything, and am able to do what i think is best for the coherence of the first story.