Pretty Fly (For a Fluttershy)

by Flint Sparks

Swag.

"I see that you have come far," Princess "The Mare" Celestia said as she strutted down the stairs, signalling her guards to cease fire. "I see you are frustrated. I see you are... powerful." She towered over Swaggershy, who was weeping as she cradled her unconscious friend's body. "Ah, I understand now. The swag is strong with this one."

“Swag?” Swaggershy looked up with tearful eyes.

[Translation: “You are capable of comprehending and speaking our native tongue?”]

Princess “The Mare” Celestia closed her eyes and nodded with a serene smile. “Hashtag yolo swag four-twenty.”

[Translation: “Of course, my dear. It is my duty as princess to understand the hearts and minds of my little ponies in order to rule effectively as a caring and kind leader.”]

The sparkle returned to Swaggershy’s eyes as she finally gave a smile to the last pony she would ever expect to. “Yolo hashtag never say never?”

[Translation: “Ah, I think I understand now. We initially believed you were a maleficent dictator intent on restricting our privileges paradigm. That isn’t the case, is it?”]

The alicorn shook her head, her smile ever so genuine. “Swag.”

[Translation: “No, absolutely not. I would never dream of succumbing to a tyrannical level that parallels the foes I have faced in the past, from dabblers in dark magic to spirits rivaling a god’s power. My guards may be strict, but our rules and guidelines are intended to guide young children to lifestyles that will ensure a long, healthy and happy life. Of course, sometimes even a princess will make a mistake, but I have everypony’s best interests at heart and would love to negotiate with you to ensure that the streets remain safe and my little ponies remain happy.]

Swaggershy cocked her head to the side and rubbed her chin. “Yo wazzup hashtag dawg.”

[Translation: “Then, why did you order the attack on my innocent friend and future horrible popstar, Justimare Beaver?”]

“...Yolo.”

[Translation: “I honestly don’t see why that’s a problem.”]

“Hashtag yolo hashtag swag four-twenty blaze it in da 'hood for muh homiez selfies.”

[Translation: “Touche.”]

Princess “The Mare” Celestia examined the smoking battlefield, noticing the foals and her guards’ high tensions. If even one feather dropped, more violence would follow. “...Swiggity swag.”

[Translation: “Perhaps we should put on a show to ease our ponies’ stress? I will pretend to fall in our battle if you are willing to play along.”]

“Yolo!”

[Translation: “That sounds like an excellent idea!”]

The two ladies of power forced a stare between them, flapped their wings with majestic force, and rose into the air for the crowd to behold. Princess “The Mare” Celestia nodded to one of her guards, who immediately whipped out his DJ gear and started playing an appropriate backbeat to suit the mood.

As the challenger, Celestia took the first spit.

I’m the high authority
Take a lesson in conformity
Sit back and do what you’re told, shorty
‘Cause you’re in the minority

High Authority? I’m Swaggershy
I’m the filly comin’ up with beats on the fly
I’ll drive-by, fly by, beat you dry
Out of all your banana cream pie

I’m about to close this battle like a book
When I hit you with my verbal right hook
Spit rhymes like venom, to the victim’s family, send ‘em
A postcard from the stairway to heaven

I’ll spit rhymes flyin’ so fast
Maybe sic my boy, balls of brass

Oh, the one that cries like a lass?

Say that again and I’ll whoop yo ass!

My flow’s majestic, like a falcon call
Gonna drench you and your crew in some alcohol
Light a match at your feet, watch your little asses fall
As I kick back, relax, and end this brawl

You wanna finish swiftly right off the bat?
I hear all your lovers complain about that
I’ll be sincerely, dearly, and merely cleary
That maybe you should stop finishing early

At least I get some in the sack, that was a wack attack

Honey, you’re getting flack in the sack for being slack

The sex life jokes are starting to get old, so how ‘bout you sit down, shut up, and do as you’re told?

Maybe I should be a little clearer! I’d make another sex joke, but you’re tired of mirrors!

Fine! Let’s do this!
I’d be confused if I let you cruise through this
with nothing but a few bruises
as I peruse my mental warehouse of rhymes,
and when the radio news reports a body found in an alley,
cause of death undetermined,
no one’ll pay attention to it but your crew of nuisances!

Your raps miss the par so far,
I could hit you with the broad side of a car
so hard you’ll be seeing stars until I mar that har-
-let me tell you ‘bout my card,
stab you with a shard so hard like a drunken bard
and leavin’ you in a graveyard!

Who do you think you are? The tsar?
Think again, girl! I’m the superstar!
You’re trash they throw out the back of a freight car!
I’ll choke you, collect your final breath in a jar,
smash it over your best friend’s face like a rock star
at a bazaar after swallowing a metric ton of coal tar!

I don’t know what you’re feeding your brood, but that’s rude so crude I’m going to toss you, dude, like you’re rotten food!
I’m Swaggershy, defender of the weak!
I’ll protect the meek, sleek, and geek to my peak!

You mean the freaks?

Need a tissue? You just gleeked.

Excuse me? You think you can bruise me?
Compared to me, you’re a flea.
You talk pretty tough for someone who once pretended to be a tree!
Speaking of trees, you bark a lot, but you don’t bite!
That’s a terrible way to win a fight!
Your plight is so hopeless.
You came to me in the hopes that you could overthrow this?
You wanna end me? Try harder, you pitiful MC.

Cute talk, aimin’ for the floor.
I’d say more to score five score for points galore,
but too busy visitin’ the ‘Get Pwned’ store
to care for a bore whore door obsessed with gore!

I’m a princess, ruler of the nation of nations!

Sure your subjects love those tiny rations!

The sun rises for my horn’s scorn to mourn!

Whether to mock it or block it, it’s leaving me torn.
WIth your lack of lovers, try some internet porn!

You’re a little filly, an ass easy to beat!

Yet you’re here rapping, oh how sweet!

I don’t think I’m getting quite through!

I figured out how to undo you!

Now bid the world adieu!

At their last shared line of their epic rap battle that would make history, Princess “The Mare” Celestia and Swaggershy flew at each other as their aura of swag compressed and turned them completely gold. They flew at each other and swung a punch with such might, their power exploded with so much swag that even Tirek was disturbed by it.

The dust soon cleared, revealing the two swiggity-swag rappers unconscious on the clouds. Without skipping a beat, Dashtag Yolo dashed to the center and grabbed her friend.

“Wake up! Wake up!” Dashtag Yolo cried, streams flowing down her cheeks like a river as she slapped her friend. Even though her friend was knocked unconscious by lack of magic, she groaned and resurfaced to the land of living.

“Ugh… what happened, Rainbow Dash?” she whispered, turning her head to stare into the eyes of her best friend.

Dashtag Yolo wiped her tears away as she resisted the urge to kiss her. “You were amazing, Swaggershy.”

Saying nothing, she looked away in embarrassment.

Dashtag Yolo cocked her head. “Uh, what’s wrong? What’s wrong, Swaggershy?”

“... Who’s Swaggershy?” she asked, smiling up at her friend with a smile that wasn’t nearly as chill before.

Realizing that her friend was totes sketch now, Dashtag Yolo reared her head up and screamed to the heavens, “NOOOOOO!!!”

Author's Note:

Did I mention IceboxFroggie is awesome for rap battling me as Princess "The Mare" Celestia?

Also...

WHO WON? WHO'S NEXT? YOU DECIDE!

Comments

[MDNGHTRDHTLN]

IT'S HAPPENING

[FamousLastWords]

[Flint Sparks]

4709966 KICK IT!

[FamousLastWords]

4709986 Your mom threw away your BEST Porno Mag!

BUSTED!

[Flint Sparks]

4709991 You ask your mom "please" but she still says NO.

[FamousLastWords]

4709999 Your mom busted in and yells "WHAT'S THAT NOISE?"

[Flint Sparks]

4710021 "Mom, you're just jealous! It's the Beastie Boys!"

[FamousLastWords]

4710026 alrighty, I've spammed you enough for now
so i'll leave you with some Dashtag YOLO and Tank the Bank
fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/040/9/d/9db2546fef41293996092b107243525c-d4p4rqo.png

[Derpator]

I... I... I should have seen this coming. Really, I should have.

But... I'm just speechless. And that's a good reaction. I think.

[Prak]

i.imgur.com/HV7SmIU.jpg

[SCP Pinkamena]

Gunter, gleeben, glaben, globen....

[Gleaming]

This fic is like Vanilla Ice, it was cool as ice!
i-mockery.com/minimocks/coolasice/3.gif

[Manes]

Oh god. time to read!

[Themaskedferret]

I'm sure your parents are weeping tears of joy.

[Telaros]

Greatest story of your entire career. 420 bitch # #

EDIT: *scrolls down*

Dayum, son. Dat was just the description? Ain't nobody got time for that!

i.imgur.com/HV7SmIU.jpg

[SCP Pinkamena]

I made it through the first quarter of the prologue and had to stop because of...
Not many stories can do that, so I give a thumbs up and a good review.

[Starlight Shadow]

flint

flint wat r you doin

flint stahp

[Flint Sparks]

4710238 Your profile picture is adorable as hell. Do you have a deviantart link?

[Seize the day 23]

You drew me in with the Offspring reference--few do it better.

[Starlight Shadow]

4710243 Bam. You know me though, I'll most likely change it in a few weeks.

[Flint Sparks]

4710250 And I'll probably ask where you got it then!

I'll probably wait until you change before picking up that Rarity avatar...

[Starlight Shadow]

4710257 Preemptive links to possible future avatars here and here.

[Flint Sparks]

4710261 I suggest going from pony to human and then pony again. Shake it up!

[Manes]

Before story:
i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/04/20/article-2132919-12B17078000005DC-116_306x423.jpg
I say what the devil is this?

After story
media.ticketmaster.com/tm/en-us/dbimages/141487a.jpg
I press the like button. Call me like killer.
(yes that's how he raps.)

[Flint Sparks]

4710313 I thought he rapped like

"*($@! !$@(* *(&# [gibberish] *R)(#@"

[Razalon The Lizardman]

That rap battle reminded me of this song:

This . . . was beautiful. That's all I can say.

Into my group it goes!

[FanOfMostEverything]

Well... that was a thing.

As for who won the rap battle, it was obviously Ditzy "Derpy 'Bright "Slate 'Nested "Bubbles" Nickname' Gray" Eyes' Hooves" Doo, a.k.a. the Notorious D. R. P.

[ComatoseVEVO]

I would be gratefull if someone translated the description to english, seriously i cant understand shit

[Flint Sparks]

4710562

Cloudsdale was a pretty chill place to hang out, until the Mare started pushing their weight around and messin' with the hood. With taxes, clothing regulations, and anti-jayflying laws, things are so not cool.

Now it's up to Swaggershy and Dashtag Yolo to blaze it before things turn totally sketch.

translation:

Cloudsdale was a safe and fun location to raise young pegasi, until the goverment began to abuse its power irresponsibly and disrupt the harmonious environment of the neighborhood. With high taxes, strict clothing regulations, and laws that forbid flying across the street without the aid of a crosswalk, recent events have made life less enjoyable for the foals.

It is now up to a teenage Fluttershy and a teenage Rainbow Dash to defeat this tyranny before their childhood days turn permanently oppressed.

How'd I do?

[ComatoseVEVO]

4710576 thanks you did good now to read

[RoundPaperClips]

Hashtag yolo swag :

[Flint Sparks]

4710660 Swiggity swaggity hashtag?

[Diablomuerte2]

This was genius. I loved the first chapter where she says "...yes" that moment got me hooked.

[JustAnotherTimeLord]

I guess this is the . . . Offspring of one drink too many.

[Jimmy Lethal]

4710919
>Offspring

Hehe.

[Tidal]

I'm so glad this happened. Lol

[TheWraithWriter]

This is what dreams are made of.

[SolidBlackPanda]

THIS HAPPENED AND WE LET IT HAPPEN!

[Flint Sparks]

4711980 THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT AND I AM IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS

[Flint Sparks]

4712358 That is what happens when someone sets out to write something, all while knowing it's really, really stupid.

[hootscootaloo101]

Congrats on getting featured!

[Flint Sparks]

4712465 Forget my feature, where in the world is that adorable pic from?

[The Ponytrician]

blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com/jackalope/captain%20picard%20WTF.jpg

... fine, have an up-vote.

[Laluzi]

...I'm not entirely sure what I just read, but it was beyond glorious.

#wow
#lovedit
#+1like
#awwyeah

[IkioStar]

4710156 Except Vanilla Ice was neither cool nor vanilla...flavored.

[hootscootaloo101]

4712468 I got my profile pic off of deviantart. I think it was by someone named uotapo.

[tylerlego623]

The alicorn shook her head, her smile ever so genuine. “Swag.”

[Translation: “No, absolutely not. I would never dream of succumbing to a tyrannical level that parallels the foes I have faced in the past, from dabblers in dark magic to spirits rivaling a god’s power. My guards may be strict, but our rules and guidelines are intended to guide young children to lifestyles that will ensure a long, healthy and happy life. Of course, sometimes even a princess will make a mistake, but I have everypony’s best interests at heart and would love to negotiate with you to ensure that the streets remain safe and my little ponies remain happy.]

You can condense that all into a single word...

“Hashtag yolo hashtag swag four-twenty blaze it in da 'hood for muh homiez selfies.”

[Translation: “Touché.”]

Yet you have to take that many.

[Flint Sparks]

4712909 It's a really old joke...

[Paladin Redflare]

4710445 I shalt never forget that song! REMINDS ME OF DEVASTATION.

[RoundPaperClips]

4710670
Swag swagga
YOLO!