Pretty Fly (For a Fluttershy)

by Flint Sparks

Yolo.

"Halt, criminal scum!" an armored guard shouted, dramatically pointing at Bulk "Swaggershy's Beacon Of 'Snowflake’ Intimidation" Biceps across the street. "Pull up your pants! Showing off your underwear is indecent and not for polite society!" The guard smirked, having abused his incredibly reasonable authority on the obviously crime-ridden streets of Cloudsdale.

"Man, we're like oppressed, yo!" Dashtag Yolo grumbled as Bulk "Swaggershy's Obedient 'Snowflake' Puppy for The Law" Biceps picked up his pants. "The fuzz is on every street, takin' away all the stuff that made the 'hood chill and stuff. Man, now everything's turning totes sketch!"

Bulk "Swaggershy's 'Snowflake' Slave For Life" Biceps grumbled and fiddled with his smuggled pot. "At least, they didn't take muh pot..."

"Excuse me, mister, but pot is illegal on the streets!" The same guard cackled as he snatched away Bulk "Cries Like A Little 'Snowflake' Filly" Biceps’ cauldron that his witch doctor mother gave him for his fifth birthday so he could too be a zebra someday. He then proceeded to follow procedure and make his way to the town hall, where no doubt Princess "The Mare" Celestia was currently residing.

Swaggershy scrunched her muzzle, debating on their course of action. As leader of the group and territory, it was her responsibility to right the wrongs done to her charges. After much contemplation, she pounded her hoof into her other hoof with a confident stare. "Maybe... maybe we should take the War on Swag to the Mare!"

"You know, I think that's a great idea!" Justimare Beaver nodded, only to get a swift bop to the head by Dashtag Yolo.

"Nobody cares what you think!" Dashtag Yolo snarled. "No respectable thug would be a complete jerk and then use his/her own friend as a scapegoat when they're caught!"

"That was, like, one time..." Justimare Beaver groaned as they rubbed their sore head.

"Alright, this is what we're going to do!" Dashtag Yolo said as she began pacing back and forth in front of her comrades like a drill sergeant in the military, except that's an organized branch of the government, and they were just organized anarchists with hormones fighting against The Mare. "We're going to—"

"One moment, Dashtag Yolo," Swaggershy said as she snatched a can from Dumb-Bell. Using her teenage wings to fly up to the wall of the building they were sitting in front of, she shook the can before getting to work. She popped the lid off and held down the white button thingy with the hole in it, allowing a jetstream of gold liquid to come out. With precision worthy of an artist, Swaggershy committed her first act of anarchy against the Mare. Her very first tag, which said:

YAY

"Whoa, that's pretty fly," Dashtag Yolo whispered as she looked up at the tag. "Boss is pretty, well, boss!"

Swaggershy held up the empty can, pumping her foreleg as the crowd on the clouds cheered for her. Eventually, she floated down and joined an excited Dashtag Yolo, who proceeded to hug her.

Dashtag Yolo gave a quick squeeze before saying, "You know, if we're going to storm the Mare, we're gonna need some good stuff."

"Don't worry. I know a guy," Swaggershy said, giving a short nod. She turned her head as a stranger in a trench coat conveniently walked by. "Excuse me, Jack the Ripoff, do you have the goods?"

"Tartarus yeah, I do!" The mysterious stranger dumped a bunch of tools for the fillies and colts to use for their mission, including lockpicks and flamethrowers and a bubble blower. Every colt and filly armed themselves with appropriate tools for their respective skills, including Justimare Beaver, who got the bubble blower to accentuate his uselessness. Dashtag Yolo thanked her lucky stars that she managed to snatch the mic and hide it in time.

Brandishing their tools, the group rallied around Swaggershy and Dashtag Yolo and waited for their orders. Dashtag, knowing Swaggershy sucked at cheering, led the cheers.

"What do we want?"

"Freedom!"

"When do we want it?"

"Your mom!"

Dashtag Yolo wiped a single tear from her eye. "I-I'm so proud..." She puffed out her chest and brandished her tool once again. "Now, hooligans, we dine in... Uh, where was I going with this?"

"Hell?" Justimare Beaver threw out, trying to be somewhat useful to the group. The group immediately groaned and scooted away from the foal.

"Nah, too spicy." Dashtag Yolo shook her head.

"How about we get ice cream?" Swaggershy suggested with a shrug.

"YEAH!" the entire group shouted, shaking Cloudsdale with the force of their euphoria.

Finally unified, the rebels with two causes stormed down the streets, shouting and waving their tools around. Every civilian rushed inside and boarded up their stores and homes, only leaving cracks so they could peek through. The owner of the bar started a betting pool on who would win between the children and the Mare. Most of the bets went toward Swaggershy.

The children rampaged toward the town hall, destroying market stalls and tipping over carriages in acts of vandalism, anarchy, and some other fancy word the Mare likes to use. Eventually, the children managed to make their way to the steps and columns of the town hall, only for a single unicorn to block their way.

"Thank goodness for this spell," the young filly of a particular shade of lavender—or was it violet?—muttered, quietly thanking her mentor for taking her on a field trip to Cloudsdale. She then lifted her head to face the crowd before her. "Halt! You'll never reach Princess Celestia if I have anything to say about it! She is much too busy to deal with ruffians such as thyselves! Prepare for your doom, fiends!"

"What's a fiend?" Dashtag Yolo leaned over and asked Swaggershy. Swaggershy shrugged and mentioned something her mother lovingly screamed at her father late at night. Dashtag Yolo shook her head and looked up at the unicorn filly. "Oh yeah? You look like some stupid egghead! What you gonna do? Read us to death?"

The filly cringed. "Big talk for an unintelligent facial structure!"

Before Dashtag Yolo could rush forward to give her a whooping, Swaggershy reached forward and held her back. She then stepped forward to face the evil nerd for a duel of epic proportions.

"Oh hey," the filly said, her muscles relaxing as a smile came to her face. "You look somewhat rational. Maybe—"

"Hashtag yolo swag blaze it."

The filly immediately collapsed and began convulsing, muttering with nerdy and spastic gibberish. "T-those aren't real words..."

Before the colts and fillies could march on the town hall, the large doors flung open and the entire Royal Guard flew out and took their formations. Armed with prototype weapons to protect Princess "The Mare" Celestia, the guards took aim at the foals and started firing. The crowd dispersed, taking cover behind the cloud pillars and returning literal fire with their flamethrowers.

"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh!" Justimare Beaver panicked beside Swaggershy behind a fallen carriage that was conveniently nearby. Suddenly, Justimare Beaver's face turned grim and serious as if he/she was suddenly hit by a stroke of confidence. "That's it! I'm done being useless!"

Swaggershy tried holding her foreleg out to stop him/her, but Justimare Beaver cocked their bubble blower—a single soap sud flew out—and dived out of cover. Swaggershy watched as Justimare Beaver flew into the air in slow motion to fire a single bubble.

"Fire!"

Every guard aimed their weapon at Justimare Beaver, immediately assaulting his/her body with a hundred water bottles.

Justimare Beaver collapsed onto the ground, twitching, and whispered in pain, "That didn't feel good..."

Silence dominated the battleground as the town hall's door opened once more, and a rather tall mare stepped out.

Princess "The Mare" Celestia put on her sunglasses as she said, "Looks like Justimare Beaver will never say never again."

Author's Note:

My parents must be so proud.

Comments

[TheWraithWriter]

Princess "The Mare" Celestia put on her sunglasses as she said, "Looks like Justimare Beaver will never say never again."

I love you.

[mehperson]

Note to self: Do not read comedies in public. People will stare at me.
That ending made me bust all my guts. And if I were your parents, I would be very proud.

[ShadyCanopy]

4711512 That makes two of us.

[Coltz of Personality]

With precision worthy of an artist, Swaggershy committed her first act of anarchy against the Mare. Her very first tag, which said:
YAY

I think I just shit myself.

[Sketchwrites]

Ok, that's one of the funniest things I have ever read.
Dat Celestia one-liner at the end.

[Tartarus]

YAY

so done

[PegaSista101]

4714339 That makes three of us.

[DerpiusHoovicus2]

Princess "The Mare" Celestia put on her sunglasses as she said, "Looks like Justimare Beaver will never say never again."

YEEEAAAAHHHHH!

(well someone had to do it)