Mortis-Sonipes
Joined 27th Oct, 2012 ·
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Wow, this is amazing can't wait to see more.
impress, this story very great.
One of the lines you have to squint at to read has a little problem:
"Yeah and your a freakin baby who's scared of the dark. Come on we're almost there."
↑ ↑ ↑
Unless hes also making fun of his penis size id say that's not supposed to be there.
Noice m8.... Noice
5107415
Somehow the ending portion of that text got deleted... Corrected thought. Thanks for pointing that out though I don't have an editor :(
Whatever happened to your other story? hgdsiufagbkdbspbhnjiniubytvcr6xecrfygubhinj
Sorry, cockroach.
edit: Needs more description.
Mysterious, interesting, not over-confidently promenading the MC who's trained and developed extraordinary skills while in imprisonment. This seems to have a good deal of potential.
Hmm interesting, bit difficult to know who's saying what
. But Since I get the impression that you are being deliberately sparing with your descriptions I can dig it. 
I like this
I quite like it!
Aside from a few grammatical and contextual errors, such as the mildly confusing conversations and incidences with your/you're, this has a lot of potential behind it!
Also...
5107535
media.tumblr.com/1e867af7bfdaec1aff242ec2f95c4657/tumblr_inline_n8q8wm498q1sj1vvy.gif
I have a bit of spare time ;)
"PSSSS"
Seeing her hop a good three feet into the air before hopping away from him with her wings spread out and her front half lowered below her hips got a chuckle out of him.
This is very good! Please upload a new chapter soon!
5108045
You're hired! Send me a corrected version of Chapter one and I'll have the second chapter either tonight or tomorrow :D
Alright, I've been reading the entire thing and I have no idea who is saying what. I can't keep reading this if this keeps going.
Oh mien got! This has great, even wondrous potential!
5108252
The first part was meant to be confusing because the character didn't have any names to attach to the voices. Small allusions were used to garner an idea as to who's talking, but I'm no expert in writing or editing and I can see your point with the later parts of the chapter. I'll try to make it clearer as to who's speaking.
This is an interesting concept but it's also the beginning. I do have some concerns though. The first is: do you have the main arch(s) of the story planned out? I've seen too many stories fall apart due to lack of focus, either that or thy get filled with lots and lots of filler. Have you made sure to get the reasoning behind everything? I've had more than a few wall angers occur because of stupid reasoning. Why is this marked with the mature gore AND sex tag?
5108601
That is classified. Either this story takes off like and eagle or burns into ash you'll have to stick around for the ride :D
5108307
Just a small addition. While I was able to tell who was saying what, I had to concentrate to do so. A suggestion if you want to keep the quick snappy dialogue: simply colour code the dialogue similar to what you did with Luna's meow.
Did anyone else immediately think of this?
Or is it just me?
I think you mean roughly hewn. Hued implies it's roughly colored. Course, could be both, I guess, but I think you meant hewn.
5108618
This response raises my concerns heavily and makes me think this story is going to trip and fall for me. I'm willing to admit I may finish reading it even after it trips but it doesn't mean I may not dislike it because of that moment. Whether you have this planned out is important. If the answer is: "I have the major beats in my head and how to connect them but I may have to revise it if the plot I have in my mind doesn't work out", thats fine. If you have nothing planned, I would like the warning, as that makes me more forgiving. As it stands I'm wary to the point that you might be deceptive as you feel need to "classify" non-plot related facts about a story.
5108724
That is correct. Changed it :P
I like this.
I think the name was a bit of an oddity since you usually see it spelled "Solomon" not "Solomen", but otherwise fine. Really looking forward to seeing more of this! 
I hear the ghosts of a thousand grammar Nazis screaming out in unadulterated rage at you for leaving this unedited.
It had a strong start, but it fell apart at the dialogue. The story just became loose and too fast-paced, without any real direction or descriptors.
Unlike most it seems, I am actually looking forward to more.
Keep it up Mortis-Sonipes, we're counting on you.
Interesting, very interesting.
Well this story had some sense until the dialogue from then it became very very confusing. I must ask from curiosity what where you smoking while writting this?
It's a good story but have very hard language.
Gotta say, I wasn't impressed. Enough people have mentioned the dialogue issues, so I won't bother with that, but what does concern me is the main character.
You have this dark, edgy summary about him being trapped in darkness and silence, hints of madness, messages in blood, and then you get to the story and....nothing. We see his "suffering" for less than a page before suddenly he's set free, and then once he gets out he just starts acting like a guy who was sent to the drunk tank for a night, not a guy who had been in perpetual torment for years. Overall it just felt really weak and rushed.
It's an interesting concept, and if you took the time to slow it down a lot, flesh it out, and give it some structure, it could be really good. But as it is? Not so much.
Hm... Well, off to an interesting start. Not sure where this is going, but reading it promises to at least be entertaining. I would much appreciate it if you got an editor for future chapters, though.
This looks like a good story.
Am I the only one that could keep up with the dialogue?
Prisoner 6-2-7
Perhaps it is just me, but horse hoof reads strangely in my mind. A horse's hoof changes nothing in the meaning and is easier in terms of flow. Please also note that if you choose not to use the horizontal ellipsis character [… = Alt+2026 on the number pad], an ellipsis consists of no more or less than three periods. Incidentally, an ellipsis might not even be necessary in this situation. "Wouldn't it?" is a contracted form of "Would it not?" which could easily be merged with the section preceding the ellipsis and have the exact same effect. For that reason, rather than an ellipsis, a comma would be appropriate here.
Just a few things here to discuss to reflect on what I'm seeing in the story. Firstly, Your vs You're: they aren't interchangeable. You're using the possessive form of you when your text should be using the contraction of you are. There are also places where commas are appropriate in this quote as they mark the conjunction of thoughts that could otherwise be separated; Incidentally, in the case of "Come on," a semicolon would also be appropriate. Finally, if you are going to drop a letter like a G to denote the way a person is speaking, an example o' Elision, it's 'portant to remember an apostrophe.
Okay! This one is more of a style issue than anything else, but as my tenth-grade English professor was so anal retentive about it all, so I feel I must speak on the issue of sentence fragments. I understand that, having written in the first person perspective or third person-limited perspective a lot myself, part of the perspective is about portraying the point of view character's thoughts, but leaving too many subjects without predicates makes the reading come off as halting and somewhat disinterested in itself. You can portray the same thoughts with only minor tweaking of sentence structure. You also don't want to overuse the ellipsis too much. An em-dash [— = Alt+0151] can also be used to denote pauses or breaks.
When someone is being addressed, their name is preceded by a comma.
Breathe, and commas.
You only need single quotes in quoting within dialogue. Incidentally, you don't need a period in that quote, and refers should not be capitalized. At this point in the story, I'm not seeing any dialogue tags—no "he said," or "she whispered," or "Luna murmured," or anything of the such. When you have multiple speakers, it is important to include dialogue tags in order to make it clear who is speaking.
My final point of contention in this bit of literary advice is to pick a consistency with your indentation. Either indent all new paragraphs, or indent none. Don't simply indent with the advent of dialogue.
The story is not uninteresting, but with all of the issues mentioned, it can be rather difficult to follow. If you have not already, I would highly recommend checking in with one of the groups for users seeking editors, in order to see if you can find somebody willing to give you a helping hand.
good concept, just needs to be slowed down some more to explore the characters deeper
5110461 damn you written a mouth full
5110461
You have an amazingly keen eye for grammar there, my friend.
5110738
I just finished editing the chapter for him though. He should have the edited version up soon. :)
Interesting story with a lot of potential. The dialogue could be improved a bit with the strategic use of tags, especially in light of the fact you have four different characters speaking at the same time. My only other observation is your use of the demonstrative pronoun, there, for the possessive pronoun, their. Fix these things and you'll have a first rate story.
The whole not saying who is currently speaking is made me appreciate the small things more.
this story needs an editor STAT, but is still easily the most interesting thing i've seen come around for a while.
I'll be keeping a close eye on this... here, have a moustache!
Redundant, remove either the "yet" or the "however".
I'm still going to read this, despite an error in your description, which says a lot about your premise. (I never read stories with errors in the description. I'm pretty sure this is the first.)
Interesting. There are issues to be dealt with but those who commented before me already addressed them so I won't bother listing them a second time. I'll be watching.
I believe the word you were looking for was "precarious".
Not entirely sure what is happening, but I will keep a eye out and see i the next chapter sheds some light on the backstory.
Nice introduction and the joke about the cotton candy was awesome
But!
It really need some more work on the aesthetics and grammar. especially on the dialog. It is hard to keep track of who is saying what and that took the magic out of the story as a whole