ZheTwidashLover
Joined 4th May, 2013 ·
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I almost thought this was the other story I was reading.
Also, why did Rainbow invite him to her hotel? Doesn't she know he molested her friends?
And what are the 'Lina' thing for?
I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter, so I'm hoping there will be more soon.
3710264 so many questions! i hope they'll get answered!
Cool chapter
well that escalated quickly.
3710264 the "lina" things I assume are breaks in the story where there is a jump in time.
I know that picture
Backstabbing ahoy! Or clop.
God I hope he gets really pissed when she betrays him and ties him while he sleeps! Classic tactic for women to use on lonely guys! So womanizing that I really hope rainbow gets a big bitch slap from him! Hoping anyway I'm pretty sure she really likes him. Hopefully =(
3710264 I fixed the lÃna thing. I was really tired when I fininshed this
3710897 I don´t know what´s going to happen myself. I hadn´t thought past "Guy with wings appears in Cloudsdale" when I started writing this.
Everything past that, yeah.
She warm up to him wayyyyyy to quickly, interesting plot that problem aside. I hope they don't end up f**k*** before developing something at least a little, just for the heck of it
This is a great story. I can't wait for the next chapter.
Why the fuck do I like this so much? This story makes no sense yet I can't help but like it. Tell me how you did it please?
Goose gumps :c
This is pretty cool
Faving for now, holding my like till the story has progressed a bit.
So,Protagonist is Batman-eqsue,But the people dont want him there at all?.......Stupid Xenophobic ponies,Not apreciating the people who try to be nice
3710661 lol.
The ending with Rainbow is kinda... eh. I'll favorite for now, but RD seems way out of character. I'm holding my like until I get more.
MORE MORE... I mean can you do more its very intriguing.
3713359 By the time I got to the part where Rainbow's the only one left it was 7:00 am. As soon as I get back to my laptop I'll fix it.
3711698
Terrible plot, amazing, first class, one of a kind idea and good grammar.
I was walking down the street when I happen to look into the alleyway that I was passing by. I noticed a dark figure lying upon the ground. Curious as to what may have been tossed aside I decide to examine this odd object. As I get closer, the pale moonlight high in the sky leaving an eerie glow as I make my approach. Imagine my surprise when I find a rather beautiful yellow mare unconscious on the ground. I look around to see that no pony was in sight. I then look down to her with a sinister grin.
"Dear diary." I lick my lips briefly. "Jackpot."
Yeah, in case you didnt notice. You left Fluttershy in the dark alleyway.
That ending. All my wat.
Still, awesome and kinda cute.
I really liked the predatory quality's he was showing through the chapter
but all that stuff with rainbow happened waaaay to fast.... so slow your roll champ
3714198
Jezus Sal maybe you should write this story
3714873 GET OVER HERE - Scorpion
Remembering that he has a five mil' bounty, enticing him by getting him into n encloed space is very devious of Dash.
First chapter was a bit fast especially with that ending but this could definitely turn out to be great. I'm gonna keep my eye on it. This story has great promise.
You are using the same cover image as Grevin5's Inner Chaos.
3715195
http://images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/31100000/Scorpion-is-not-amused-my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-31198914-500-387.jpg
3712614 i second that.
3710956 the mane six seems a bit out of character, as i am pretty sure RD wouldn't just buy this 'monster/beast' a hotel room and sleep in the same bed as it; all in the span of an hour or so.
and it is progressing a wee bit fast for my liking, but you said in the AN that you were tired while writing this, so i'll let that slide.
Welp that was fast acting and what about poor flutters left alone in that alleyway
I'm gonna guess they're both in heat or something...I'm okay with that
I like it so far, but there are a few things I should point out.
Besides a few run on sentences, the only big problem is the lack of understanding. Maybe you have an idea for later to explain why Rainbow Dash trusts him so much, but with only first person perspectives it seems odd. I mean sure, she is a prankster and could potentially of seen through his facade of scariness and realized he was just a guy being prejudiced against seeing as he didn't hurt anybody. But going from her usual demeanor, as well as going there for the express purpose of capturing him, to doing a complete 360 and inviting him over to sleep in her bed? There wasn't even a conversation to be had before that, it just happened. Way, way too fast progression for my liking.
I can see her reaching out to him, because she was friends with a Griffon. But over the course of several chapters, for example; After this first encounter, she gets a suspicion that he isn't what he appears because he didn't hurt anybody. She goes back against her friends wishes the next day, and keeps going back. It would make more sense why she was staying in Canterlot and needed a hotel room to begin with. Then after a few days she could start fostering enough trust and feelings for this to happen.
For her to be completely trusting, and apparently fall in love within seconds of meeting him is not only contradictory to her entire personality, but to how the brain works in general. Not to even mention your MCs side of this, why would he trust this pony? Every pony up to this point has tried to kill him, why in the hell would he just go with this and trust this random pony that he knows damn well was trying to capture him not 10 minutes ago? It could be a trap.
Not trying to write your story for you, just thought I would give some criticism. This story definitely has potential, and I don't want to see it diminish in quality because you feel the need to rush it.
Either way, good job and I will be following this.
Hey author, have your 100th like, you could really go somewhere with this, but I agree that some of the dynamics and pacing could be spruced up. Also if you want opinions or ideas, you're welcome to PM me any time, peace /)
3718219
I agree, the ending to the first chapter will be removed and replaced with something more believeable.
I felt the need to rush this in the end because it was already 7:00 am and I had been writing this for five hours straight. Big mistake. I also thought that if I stopped writing I might not want to continue the story until weeks later, but that's alright, I'll get back to writing this as soon as I can get back to my laptop. Consider the end the work of someone who was going to go to bed early but insteads stays awake until it's almost time to get out of bed.
Ignore the last part of the story, I should never have published it like that.
3718960
Glad to hear that.
Good luck in your writing and see you next chapter.
3710264 but he didn't, he just scared them.
This is the same reason why discord went bad, everyone feared him and thought of him as evil
Btw, get writing that next chapter soon, all my other favorites stopped. :(
Interesting. Scaring the ponies through practical jokes, as revenge for overreacting and trying to kill him for asking for food. Willed wings, and Shadowstalk for abilities. Large human besides... This has promise... Still, I do feel sorry for AJ...
(Chant with me.) MORE! MORE! MORE! MORE!
3723936
MORE MORE MORE. there i helped
3723936
MEH MEH MEH!
Just kidding this story is awesome.
3724882 MORE! MORE! MORE!
One suggestion:
Let's say Rainbow somehow get's trapped in a alleyway or in Whitetail woods by a few unicorns (Because she would outmatch any Pegasi and earth pony's wouldn't even stand a chance.) and then force her down and try to mug her or something, then Shade'll just stand up behind RD and say "You will not hurt her."
Ok geeze, I get it, you don't like the idea.
I just thought it'd make more sense than random attraction to the beast with a multi million bounty.
3728288 3725676 3724882 Perfect.