Day 1
Lord Tirek sat in his prison of steel and stone, staring out across the hellish landscape. "Ah, another lovely day in Tartarus," he whispered to himself. "Yes, a lovely day indeed." He slammed his fists into the walls of his cage, but it was useless; yesterday, the cage would have crumbled instantly, wrecked beyond all recognition. Today?
He slammed his fists into the walls of his cage again. Today, they did not even move.
Not for the first time, he turned his head to look out, but there was nothing for him here: no rubble to use to weaken the bars, no foolish mailpony to—
His thoughts were interrupted by a sharp pain on the top of his head as something struck him before bouncing off his shoulder, falling to the ground with a thump. A second impact announced the presence of a second projectile as he shielded his face with his hands and looked up, spotting a familiar pegasus hovering overhead.
"You again?" His lips twisted in a snarl before he thought better of it, turning up the corners of his mouth in a smile, but in his anger, he could do little better than a rictus grin. "I know you must be angry, but—"
His words were wasted, much as all effort was in this place; she was already gone. Rubbing his head, he bent downwards, his eyes narrowing on a small slip of white paper sitting on the ground, elegant hoofwriting covering the surface.
Tirek;
I don't know how you managed to escape, but I would not expect it to be so easy next time. Know that the guardian has been given permission to ensure that your continued presence in Tartarus by any means necessary, and that he was told he was a very bad dog for allowing your escape. I would not attempt to leave your cage if I were you.
While I did not determine your means of escape, in the course of my investigations, I did discover that you received, in error, a free subscription to Better Lairs and Landscaping magazine. Given the damage you did to the Everfree Forest, I fear that magazine positively impacted neither your attitude nor your skill at gardening.
However, this discovery did make me recognize a lapse in my administration, for which I must apologize. It is the general policy of the Equestrian prison system to ensure that our prisoners do not lack for stimulation during their imprisonment, a policy which we have been in remiss in enforcing on your behalf. I spent some time considering what reading materials might be appropriate given your proclivity towards violence, but one of my subjects quickly suggested a list of periodicals she felt you - or at least, your sense of aesthetics - may benefit from.
I have enclosed a copy of the first magazine of your new subscription with this letter. Enjoy.
Princess Celestia
PS. Give my regards to Cerberus.
Lord Tirek snarled, crushing the paper in his fist, willing that it burn as he had destroyed so much else, but with no magic left in him, he could do little but shudder in rage. Whirling around, he cast about for the other thing which had struck him, the rustle of paper underhoof announcing its presence. He stepped back, narrowing his eyes and glaring down at the magazine, which sported an earth pony posing on the cover in a hideous dress covered in sequins.
"Mystique magazine?" He snatched it from the ground, holding it up close to his eyes. "The mane issue? 101 new ways to do yours today? What to eat for an amazing coat?" His whole body shuddered with rage. "Sapphire Shores – stuff she only tells her marefriends?"
Lord Tirek hurled the magazine across his cage, the folded pages making a loud thump as they struck the bars. "I will not be mocked!" he shouted to the hazy skies, shaking his fist at them.
Snarling, he stomped across his prison cell, his hooves no longer shaking the ground with every step. He swung his thin and withered arms at the wall of his cell, wincing in pain as the steel bars held rather than tearing apart like cardboard.
He opened his hand, the crushed letter sliding from between his fingers as he stared out into the forsaken wasteland around him, the same as it had ever been for the last thousand years.
Lord Tirek glanced back over his shoulder; the magazine still sat where it had fallen, its cover glistening in the dull light. Just one look couldn't hurt...
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Magazines are weird.
4481970
Everything I know about women's magazines, I learned from Google.
4481987
Truth be told, I only touched video game mags.
This... actually does an excellent job of explaining everything about Tirek's escape and reign of terror. I'm glad to see best pony has learned her lesson; don't listen to strange monkey-centaurs in purgatorial sepulchers.
Thank you for a most amusing look at Tirek's motivations.
4482613
You're welcome. I enjoyed the idea too much to not write it.
And yes, I think this story contains a valuable lesson we can all take home with us.
Celestia you cruel, cruel pony. Cruel and unusual punishment obviously isn't barred for prisoners in Tartarus. Then again, filling his brain with mush sounds like a genius tactic, no matter how cruel. Smart... Very smart.
And I kinda wish Derpy had given him a chance... I mean, sure he'd probably have taken advantage of her... ditziness, but still! Even if Fluttershy couldn't begin to help him, I bet Derpy would have a chance.
4483368
Though I'm sure you can guess which of her beloved subjects recommended this particular type of magazine. 
Celestia is a terrible troll.
As for Derpy... poor Derpy. Maybe she'll come around after a while... it's not like he has much anypony else for company.
Poor guy. The least Celestia could have done was send him some trowels and water pitchers.
This is as clever as it is silly. Loved it.
Next time he escapes, he will be ¡Fabulous!
I love it. Take my favourite. Also, sending you a PM with errors I found.
6746029
Heh, thanks. I'm glad you liked it. This is probably my most brilliantly stupid story. Seldom is the question asked, "Why did Tirek randomly start blasting the Everfree forest?" But I knew the answer all along...
Lovely and underrated. I'd like to see what Rarity could do with prison jumpsuits.
And so it begins... again.
This is a very weird story. I can't say it's one of the weirdest I've read since there are so many, but it was certainly strange. I loved it
7066348
I call it my "RainbowBob" story, in that it came from a totally random premise - namely, me trying to come up with an (overly elaborate) explanation for why Tirek began randomly blasting trees in the S4 finale.
7543533
Clearly some member of the civil service must have sold them a copy of Celestia's address book.
It was really funny, specially the concept.
But I think that for a story with such absurd premise like this, you may have been a little to serious.
. I mean, the joke with him betraying Discord for his terrible taste is awesome, really funny, because it just surprise you, very well tought. But with the "I want to destroy the everfree forest" you've already mentioned that two times. It was funny when he was looking in the magazine and thought that those woods "won't do at all". It was funny still when he said Discord that he wanted to destroy them. But the third time? Well, it didn't stop to be funny, but it wasn't unexpected, and with that, I think it lose a little magic. Comedy depends a lot of being unexpected and reverse the expectations that the readers may form from the setting. I think it may have been funnier if you had leaved that joke just for the end. I favourited it anyway!
PD: Sorry, this comment was specially terrible written, I don't have time to edit it now as I usually try to do with my comments. I hope you can understand it anyway. Saluts!
7574079
Fair enough! This was certainly one of my odder stories, and I can see the concern about excess repetition with that particular line.
I'm glad you found it amusing, though. Even though it never got all that many views, it still has a special place in my heart as my most random story.
Welp, that was a ride. Thanks for writing!
8063076
You're welcome! I'm glad you enjoyed it. It was fun watching your comments gradually progress through the story as you were reading it.
This is definitely my crackiest fic.
8063096
Heh. Serial comments are my favorite to get on multi-chapter stories, so I tend to pay it forward whenever I read one.
This was just a joy. I actually really like Tirek as a character, and this was the best comedic twist on him I've ever seen. I don't think I laughed at this as hard as I did at Dying to Get There, but I think this is my new favourite story of yours regardless.
8123950
Thanks! I'm glad you felt like this was a good comedic use of him; admittedly I haven't used him a whole lot, but I enjoyed writing him here. Assigning him the motive I gave him here made me smirk just thinking about it, so I'm glad it worked well for you.
Plus I had to explain why he was destroying those trees for no apparent reason somehow.
This is certainly one of my more obscure stories, so I'm glad you found it and enjoyed it so.
8798480
I'm glad you were amused. It was a lot of fun writing Tirek in this, and really a lot of fun writing this in general, so I'm glad you found it and enjoyed it.
This story came up in a conversation, and I looked for it, and realised that I'd somehow forgotten to favourite it when I originally read it. Fixed now.
Also, congratulations. Your story is basically canon now.
9165222
Thanks!
I'm sure the royalty check is in the mail.
Quick read, but man this was a great story. And it fits into cannon far too well. Although I do wonder how these fits into Cozy Glow's correspondence.
Either way, a great story. Thanks for writing and posting.
11433823
Thanks! It was a silly idea that popped into my head after watching season 4 back in the day. I'm glad you liked it.
I liked writing these "could be canon" stories a lot; they were fun to write.