Epilogue 5: Strength in numbers
Seeing Diamond Tiara’s hoof begin rising Thunder Claw said encouragingly, “Yes, dear. That’s it. Make the right choice for once. Don’t be deceived a second time. I’m the only one you can truly trust.”
Diamond Tiara felt so broken up inside at the moment she was willing to cling to anyone that would offer her comfort and take her pain away at the moment… even if that person was the same one who put her in that state in the first place.
She didn’t know if she could actually trust her aunt to keep to her word though, especially when she flat out said she shouldn’t be trusted. It was a strange sort of comforting to know that somehow. Everyone else around her always tried to hide their flaws and act reliable. The fact that her aunt was so honest in admitting her dishonesty somehow made her more trustworthy. She couldn’t explain why, but that was the way she felt.
She felt on the verge of throwing it all away. Everything that she had been fighting for recently. She hated all the discomfort and pain she had been going through, and it just made her want to lock her heart away again to feel safe.
Her leg twitched again and again as she kept starting to seal the deal, then pullied it away in indecision. She wanted the pain to go away, but a part of her just couldn’t bear going back to the way things were.
There was a sudden loud pounding that echoed throughout the chamber. Thunder Claw looked outside of the room. “Well, it seems your father is here. You can try to run but you’ll have to make the choice eventually. When everything goes catastrophically wrong you’ll beg for me to help you out. Soon enough you’ll see how naïve you’re being. That indecision is the voice of weakness still trying to hold you back. No one truly cares for you and no one ever will.”
Near the front doors one of the kidnappers went to the door. “Who is it?” asked the stallion.
A male voice answered, “I’m here to negotiate for Diamond Tiara’s release.”
“Good, good.” He opened the door and saw… a unicorn colt with a snail for a cutie mark. With a confused look he asked, “Are… are you a relative of hers?”
“I’m gonna go rescue her!” He slipped in past the stallion, who quickly ran after him and caught him. The door opened further, and now Apple Bloom was standing there. “Temporary Crusaders!” she cried out strongly. “CHARGE!”
“RIGHT!” came a group of voices.
“What is-” The stallion didn’t get to finish before there was an uproar of screaming and yelling, and countless fillies and colts began storming through the open door. In disbelief he dropped Snails on the ground. Quickly overwhelming him through sheer numbers Apple Bloom hogtied him just like she had practiced with her sister a hundred times.
“Help!” screamed out the stallion. “We’re being overwhelmed!”
The three other members of the group quickly came running.
“Don’t stop fer nothin’!” Apple Bloom yelled. “We’re gettin’ Diamond Tiara back whether they like it or not!”
They did their best to defend themselves but the kidnappers were quickly trounced. For every kid they pushed or hit another one took its place. From every side and every angle they were attacked until they collapsed and were tied up.
Diamond Tiara and Thunder Claw both were looking at the door. The amount of noise was almost overwhelming. It sounded like an army was charging throughout the building.
Panic was on Thunder Claw’s face as she chewed on the inside of her cheek. Who would be foolish enough to storm the building, putting the hostage at risk? She didn’t have enough time to prepare something before a group of kids passed by the door.
“Found her!” yelled Scootaloo. “Charge!”
The number of them was simply too much to fight off alone. She began getting kicked all over her body. When she tried to kick back to defend herself a pony would jump onto her legs. She got knocked to the ground. Apple Bloom came running in with her lasso to tie her up.
Straining to her utmost, Thunder Claw threw the children overpowering her off and jumped over the group towards the open door. Just as she reached it and thought she was home free she suddenly saw a pair of legs as she was bucked in the face, stunning her.
Silver Spoon felt a pit of disgust in her stomach to see that it was Thunder Claw. She had helped kidnap her own niece.
Diamond Tiara felt like she was dreaming. What was going on? Had all of them really come… just for her?
Apple Bloom finished tying up Thunder Claw, then with the assistance of Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo as supports she jumped on top of them and opened the lock. With a huge smile she opened the door and ran in. “Hey there, Diamond Tiara! Glad ta see yer alright!” She hugged her friend. “Silver Spoon told us about what happened. Soon as we heard ya was kidnapped all of us chipped in ta rescue ya.”
Diamond Tiara’s eyes shut tight as she began crying, regret burning so strongly in her heart. How could she have forgotten so easily? Apple Bloom cared for family and friends most of all. She would never let a friend get hurt if she could be there to stop it.
She threw herself at Apple Bloom too, letting her emotions run free. “Thank you! Thank you all!” She didn’t think she would ever forget it. The site of all her classmates storming the building to rescue her, putting their own lives in danger for her... never in a million years did she think that would happen. All the ones she had wronged through her years of being a snobby bully forgot their misgivings and came to save her. Snips, Snails, Truffle Shuffle, Rumble, Shady Daze, Featherweight, Pipsqueak, Twist, Dinky; even Silver Spoon had shown up despite her choosing her new friends over her old one.
Her aunt was WRONG! Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong! She did have friends! Friends who cared about her very deeply. Love that flowed powerfully around her. Her aunt had almost made her forget by bringing up painful memories from the past, but she had overcome them again now.
“Apple Bloom,” said Diamond Tiara. “Let’s get out of here. My aunt needs a lesson in manners.”
“Yer AUNT?” Apple Bloom sputtered, looking over at the still stunned Thunder Claw.
“She instigated this whole kidnapping plot to get back at my dad. She had to get kidnapped too to make it look good.” Begging, she said, “Please! Believe me! My aunt is a masterful liar and deceiver. She even convinced ME and I knew it was a lie. She’s going to do her best to make it seem like she had been trying to rescue me. Please! Stick by my side. I can’t take another betrayal.”
There was a short laugh, and then she heard a voice say, “Funny you should say that.” Diamond Tiara saw Silver Spoon coming through the crowd. “But I guess this time I’d be willing to forgive you since you’re not hurt. You can just owe me one.”
She gave Silver Spoon a hug. ”Thank you.”
“Hmph! Don’t thank me. It was just the right thing to do.” She returned the hug for a few seconds. “You idiot. You and your dumb Crusader friends. But if it wasn’t for them we wouldn’t have gotten so many to join us in our mission. So… I guess they’re not so bad.”
“Yeah… they really aren’t.”
Diamond Tiara went up to her aunt and looked down at her. Thunder Claw was coming to her senses. “So what do you say now?” she asked angrily. “I’m gonna make sure you’re exposed for the phony, backstabbing monster you really are, with my dear friends right by my side! Sure it may hurt sometimes, but…” She grabbed Silver Spoon and Apple Bloom, “…but my heart wouldn’t be complete without them!”
“Yeah!” said Apple Bloom. “I don’t care what ya say. Ya kin try yer phony act, but no matter how convincing it is, I know I’ll believe my friend over you.”
Thunder Claw groaned. “Y-you’ll regret this.” She sounded so deflated it barely sounded like a threat.
“The only thing I regret is allowing myself to be manipulated by you in the first place,” said Diamond Tiara. “I nearly fell for your speech and forgot what was important. When one of us is in danger, no matter our differences, each of us will step up to help each other out. That is the essence of the beauty of friendship.
“Hmph! Even if I had agreed to your deal you would have backstabbed me along the way.”
A smirk crossed Thunder Claw’s lips, some of her spirit coming back. “Obviously. Look at all of them at your side, but each of them will turn against you some day and betray your trust.”
“When I was alone those words seemed so powerful and strong, but… with so many by my side all I hear is the voice of a sore loser. I don’t want to turn out like you, a bitter old hag.”
“H-hag? HAG! How dare you!” She struggled to get out of her bonds but wasn’t able to.
“Don’t bother,” said Apple Bloom. “Besides my sister I’m the number one hog-tier in Ponyville.”
“Let’s get out of here,” said Diamond Tiara. “I want to go home.”
“Sure!”
Diamond Tiara still couldn’t believe how many kids had shown up. As they walked through the halls near to the entrance she saw the other four tied up, and there had to be at least forty fillies and colts gathered around them besides the group of fifteen to twenty that had stormed the room she had been in.
Working together, all five of the kidnappers were thrown into their own cage and locked up.
As they left the building Diamond Tiara breathed in the fresh air, feeling the warmth of the sun. “Thank you again, Apple Bloom.” Looking around curiously at their group she asked, “So how come you didn’t get any adults?”
“Huh?”
“I mean, it all worked out in the end because there were just too many of them to fight, but I thought you’d get your sister or some skilled unicorns.”
Apple Bloom stared blankly at Diamond Tiara like she was speaking another language. Then an embarrassed smile came to her face. Putting her hoof behind her head she rubbed it and laughed awkwardly. “H-heh heh. Yeah. That probably would-a been the smarter thing ta do, wouldn’t it?”
Diamond Tiara burst out into laugher. She couldn’t help it. Apple Bloom really hadn’t thought of it.
When they got to her mansion she opened the gate and walked in. She could see most of the kids had stopped. She remembered the last time they had been crowding around because the Crusaders were cool at the time, being friends with a princess. “Hey...,” She started with a bit of a forced smile. “You all want to go for a swim in the pool?”
Cheers went throughout the crowd of kids who all quickly ran towards it, leaving the rest of them behind. Only Silver Spoon and the other Crusaders remained. “That was awful nice-a ya, Diamond Tiara.”
“It was the least I could do after they all put in the effort to help save me. Let’s go get my dad.”
As the children all splashed and screamed and played in the pool the other five went in and looked around until she saw her parents in the kitchen.
When she told her parents about what had happened her mom quickly came over and hugged her. Her dad became furious, and with the help of several of his servants he went to town hall and had her aunt and her co-conspirators arrested.
While he was gone Diamond Tiara talked with Silver Spoon. “I want to thank you again. You came back to help me, even after I just said I didn’t want to be friends anymore.”
“Don’t worry about it,” she responded. “I’m just happy you’re unhurt. Being betrayed by your family is never easy.
“Well, you have fun with your 'party.' I’ll see you in class. It’s not like I have any friends anymore.” She turned around and began walking towards the exit.
To her surprise Scootaloo stepped in front of her. “And where do you think you’re going? You are a friend.”
“Yeah, right. I was just doing the right thing.”
“Yes, you did. All you had to do was tell someone else and let them handle it. But you came along for the fight to protect her when it would have been simpler to just sit around and wait for someone else to solve the problem. It sure shows to me that you still consider her a friend. You said we’d call a truce in our rivalry for today, and it’s still today. If you want to go back to being a jerk to me tomorrow then go ahead. But for today I’m glad you were around to warn us. At least until tomorrow I’m willing to forget our history. Let’s just hang out together and celebrate Diamond Tiara’s safe return.” She stuck out her hoof.
Silver Spoon’s eyes went to the corner of the room, her mouth stuck on one side. “Fine,” she responded, tapping Scootaloo’s hoof. “But just until tomorrow. I have a reputation to maintain. I have to…” Her voice lost all its spirit. “I have to be good for my parents, and do what they say. The family name is the most important thing you can possess… supposedly.”
Apple Bloom spoke up. “Why can’t we just be friends? If ya say yer mom and dad told ya to latch on to the popular or rich kids in class, and we’re friends with Diamond Tiara, then aren’t ya just doin’ what yer parents told ya to do if yer friends with us too?” She could see on Silver Spoon now that same look she had seen on Diamond Tiara: that hopeful look tinged with a strong reluctance.
“Silver Spoon,” said Diamond Tiara. “What I’ve learned over the past few weeks is that the family name isn’t the most important thing. It’s having love in your heart. I can hardly believe I’m saying those words, but they’re true. It started with Apple Bloom after we had that fight. Despite me making such a harmful comment she still offered to be my friend. Because of her suggestion I decided to give my parents another chance, and because of that and making friends with the Crusaders I’m a lot happier now than I ever was when I was making fun of them. It’s really uncomfortable right now because I’m not used to acting that way, but I’m slowly getting used to it.
“My aunt…” Diamond Tiara’s eye’s narrowed. “She almost broke me. She tried to get me to agree that it was all pointless and that everyone was going to betray me. Despite showing me just a little earlier how good a liar she was I still almost fell for it. I would have if you didn’t show up when you did. She would have escaped if you hadn’t been the one to buck her. That was pretty awesome!” She snickered.
Silver Spoon followed suit. “It was, wasn’t it?
“Look, I’ll give it a shot today to see if I like it. I can’t see myself as a Cutie Mark Crusader, but since Scootaloo is right that we’re still in a truce I’ll let you have the honor of my friendship…at least for today.
“Let’s all go in the pool with the other kids. We can have a big barbeque and hang out until the sun sets!”
There was excitement in her voice as she pushed her pride to the side. The other four cheered and ran outside.
Silver Spoon smiled as she jumped into the pool, splashing around with everyone. She felt just like everyone else for a change, and for once in her life she didn’t mind it at all.
Away from that horrible situation, surrounded by caring ponies…Diamond Tiara could see her aunt’s words for the lies they were. Her parents had made some mistakes, believing it was for her benefit. She would get into arguments with her friends, but so long as she came back apologetic they would forgive her. Love was all around her, she was loved and…she was starting to love back after all the heartaches of her youth. This was the life.
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4701156 FOAL STAMPEDE!!!!!
Now, will anyfoal think to tell anypony about the foalnapping and the foalnappers tied up and locked in their own cell???
I can just see the headlines now: PONYVILLE GUARD DISGRACED, FOALNAPPING FOILED BY HORDE OF FOALS. Or even years later the corpses of the foalnappers found when somepony comes looking to find out what that foul smell is.
4702566 Yeah, her dad went and had them arrested. I just wanted to be done with this story so I didn't want to drag out the emotional scene of mad daddy.
Now I can continue working on my other fanfics.
DON'T ask me now about whether Silver Spoon is gonna be their friend. I tossed every bunny in the oven and had them for dinner! 
I'm glad you asked for a little extra and that I could entertain you with the foal stampede, but I don't want to do any more with this story. 
4702579 So we don't get to see Filthy Rich and Nurse Sweetheart verbally and possibly physically ripping the evil aunt a new one?????
4702599 If you want it to look like crap and very forced.I feel like I've been forcing the storyline. I've gotten by with some comments that made me laugh. Your facepalm moment really made me happy. But really I'm just not feeling anything for this story now.
I haven't felt like these epilogue chapters have held up to my usual standard of writing. Even you saw right through both things and knew what was coming. The aunt as the kidnapper, and the foal stampede. Not that everything I write has to be a mystery, but it shouldn't be so transparent either.
DT chewed out her aunt,saw her words the lies they were and became happy, and became friends with SS again, . SS is using loophole abuse to be friends with the common crowd. It's a happy ending for both the rich brats.
What more do you want from me? I'm just tired of this story and want to move on. I have no more ideas for it.
Hey, why don't YOU write the true final chapter and I'll credit you for it?
Stupid internet is being dumb, and I haven't been able to get on for more than a minuet or so without it going crazy!
It is working right now, but it will most likely spaz out in a bit...
Pray to Luna it holds out for an hour or so...
4707948 How could you not know?
I think you meant you forgot, 
If you look down the comment page I told you bout extending it and even about one of the chapters.
4708489
I ment as in, there are more chapters than that first one.
Sorry, I strange that one a little worded.
nice to see there still friends
5281471 Why do you think it's rude? It's true.
5281930 Because this story isn't a comedy, and the song was too upbeat for that chapter. If you like it, thanks!
5724049 Yes, indeedy. She got locked up for her crimes.
This book is good.
Heya,
I started reading through your story, noticed a few positives and negatives, and decided to read through the rest of it to see how they'd resolve. I do believe this story to be a standard fare platonic AppleTiara story, using the backstory of the characters to reach its emotional climaxes and establish the foundation of the friendship. If I were to list out the relevant story beats to form a skeleton for the story, it would look something like this:
Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara fight -> Apple Bloom talks with Applejack -> Apple Bloom talks with Diamond -> Diamond talks with her parents -> Diamond gives Apple Bloom a card -> Apple Bloom talks with Applejack at her birthday party -> Apple Bloom reads Diamond's card -> Diamond asks to join the CMC -> Diamond joins the CMC -> Diamond confronts Silver Spoon and rejects her old self -> Diamond has her first talk with Thunder Claw -> Diamond and Thunder Claw get kidnapped -> Diamond attempts to escape -> Diamond has her second talk with Thunder Claw -> Diamond is rescued -> Diamond, Silver, and the CMC become friends
You can see from this skeleton just how dialogue-heavy the story is, which is fitting for this type of story. Most of the important moments involve a conversation between two ponies that brings about some minor change later on. You may also notice that I didn't include the prologue or the scenes of Apple Bloom and Diamond growing up in my skeleton. That's because I only included moments that directly had an impact on the characters. While the death of Apple Bloom's parents contributed a great deal to Apple Bloom's emotional issues, it didn't have much more significance as a chapter than what Applejack told us a few chapters later. If anything, by showing the death scene, it results in an inevitable double beat when Applejack later retells the scene to Apple Bloom. Similarly, Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara's childhoods shown simultaneously at the beginning of the story doesn't amount to much given how much these elements are harped on over the course of the story. It would have made much more sense to immediately start the story during Diamond's cutecenera as a way of establishing that the feud between Apple Bloom and Diamond is the focus of the story.
Redundancy is something of an issue with this story, as major plot points are mostly touched upon multiple times as they are explained to each character independently. It's good that the characters don't have a hive mind and understand everything if someone mentions it to anyone once, but you definitely want to avoid writing out the same thing multiple times. It just gets repetitive. The best example I found was when Applejack admits to hating Apple Bloom in great detail, only for Big McIntosh to come and tell the story again, using different words to tell the same story. Similar repetition occurs with the card Diamond shows to Apple Bloom, as she eventually shows it again to Sweetie and Scootaloo, and the result is much the same. At the very least, Diamond didn't have to show Sweetie and Scootaloo the card on separate occasions independently, forcing us to sit through both retreads. Whenever you have similar scenes, it's important to have something new take place that keeps the story moving forward. Once you touch on something, you can assume the reader already knows it, so there's little reason to mention it again.
One thing that struck me as odd about the setting established by your world was how empty it feels. I can respect keeping your story focused and on-point, but it feels as though nothing exists in this world outside of Apple Bloom and Diamond. Anything they touch or talks to fades into reality as they do so, but it disappears as soon as they stop. The first point I observed this tendency was when Apple Bloom first goes to school and states a little about herself. It's a fine speech, but there's no mention of anyone else in the classroom other than Diamond Tiara. I have difficulty imagining that Apple Bloom was the only one who mentioned having a loving family, and that was clearly the thing that made Apple Bloom stand out to Diamond. You had a little something with Silver Spoon being won over by Diamond's speech, but it only did a little to make it feel like there were other autonomous actors present. The primary issue with this emptiness is the POV you used. When everything is framed in first-person, it makes sense that we only see what they see. But when using the third-person omniscient view as you did, it feels like the narrator is wearing blinders. I'm the first to rail against randomly mentioning characters for the sake of having them, but the route you took here is on the opposite end of the spectrum. It's like they're not even there, and they may as well not be.
Personally, I found it strange that the sequence of the cutecenera was told entirely through narration when all of the scenes preceding it involved dialogue. I realize that most of us have already seen the episode that scene was based around, so I can understand the desire to avoid redundancy. However, the dramatic change in writing style from what we've seen before draws attention to the fact that you are trying to skip past it quickly. It's good to maintain consistency in your writing, especially when invoking scenes from the source material. Only emphasizing the important moments would be a good alternative to toning down the repetition. It comes across like you felt compelled to include the entire sequence even though Diamond's teasing of Apple Bloom's lack of a cutie mark wasn't even brought up again. If this scene were completely original and written entirely by you, it would feel wildly out of place in this story.
With Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara existing as co-stars, this story constantly switches between their POVs. Personally, I believe that the switching occurs too often and not always with the best timing. Diamond's first introduction to the story comes from an outrageously jarring POV change that takes place right off the bat after an entire chapter dedicated to Apple Bloom's birth. Consider this scenario. Imagine watching the dramatic death sequence of our main character's mother and then transitioning into the character's growing-up montage, only for the second scene in the montage to switch to a completely different character that we'd never seen before and had never even been named until now. You can see how it might throw you out of the moment. Following this montage, we see the first day of school and the cutecenera from Diamond's POV before transitioning back to Apple Bloom for the fight. At the point where Apple Bloom's emotions boil over, we have not yet seen any scenes of Apple Bloom talking about her mother in great detail, and we know little about how Apple Bloom feels about Diamond's teasing in general since we saw most of it through Diamond's eyes. We've had no scenes establishing that Diamond's teasing makes Apple Bloom mad, meaning this scene assumes we already believe Apple Bloom to feel this way from what we know about her outside the story. These sorts of assumptions are all too common in fanfiction to again avoid that repetition, but they can easily alienate a reader if done in excess. This scene could have used a lot less telling. If we had viewed the entire first chapter solely through Diamond's eyes and were then presented with Apple Bloom suddenly attacking Diamond for seemingly no insult, it would establish intrigue in Apple Bloom's character, priming us for Apple Bloom's visit to her mother's grave in the next chapter. Since the backstories of Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara are already spelled out for us via montage, there's nothing else for us to learn about them. All that's left is for them to learn about each other, which means repetition for us. Much like watching someone else solve a puzzle you've already solved, it's not an ideal situation to place your reader in. Also not ideal is Apple Bloom immediately shouting that her parents are dead, further clarifying what we already know as well as making it clear to Diamond why Apple Bloom is angry. Even if we the audience know everything, you can still provide some intrigue by creating a sense of dramatic irony and keeping some characters out of the loop on certain things. Apple Bloom reveals her straight flush right off the bat, and the rest of the story is Diamond trying to convince herself that she still wins the hand with her three 8's.
The revelation of Applejack actually hating Apple Bloom is the one scene I can name that becomes stronger as a result of the prologue coming before it and what's already established in the show. Given what we know about Applejack, it comes across as shocking that despite her best intentions, she essentially lied to her dying mother given that there was no indication or hesitation at the time. I can easily imagine her seeing it as her greatest failing, and it really works as a deconstruction of Applejack's character. I do, however, wish that it had more bearing on the story. By the time this character flaw has been revealed, Applejack's already resolved it. No vestigal bit of her emotion remains to affect the story. Its main purpose is simply to drive Apple Bloom to better understand Diamond's emotional state (though it seems like Diamond and Applejack each came to hate Apple Bloom for vastly different reasons). It strikes me as a pretty big missed opportunity to make Applejack more of a character in the story as opposed to making her a plot device to further Apple Bloom's development. With the world feeling so empty as it is, having more moments like this would have gone a long way in drawing the reader into the world.
Though the surprise introduction of Thunder Claw during the epilogue was by far the most ridiculous moment in the story, I do think Thunder Claw's character was at worst a missed opportunity. In essence, she was an embodiment of the "self" that Diamond formerly was, and her encouraging Diamond to be selfish and manipulative provides some interesting conflict given how genuinely persuasive she is. Despite coming across as a selfish manipulator, Thunder Claw is portrayed as an impressively active listener, remembering what Diamond tells her in great detail hours later. It creates the impression that Thunder Claw does care about Diamond in her own way despite her selfish posturing. It would set her out as an interesting foil to Diamond and Apple Bloom if she weren't so cartoonishly malicious. The timing of Thunder Claw appearing from nowhere despite having never being mentioned before is too absurd to believe, especially since her life philosophy is so similar to Diamond's former one. The entire story up to this point implied that Diamond came up with her ideas about relationships on her own, so it seems awfully convenient that her aunt just so happens to strongly believe the same. It would have been equally sensible for the spirit of Diamond's past self to manifest after befriending the CMC and attempt to convince her to go back to how she was. That's not to say that's what you should have done, but that's the level of cartoon villain Thunder is on. Sticking the thumb deeper into the sore, we have the near-pointless revelation that Thunder Claw is behind Diamond's sudden kidnapping plot. I see no reason why Thunder Claw puts forth the effort to make it look like she was kidnapped if she's just going to reveal to Diamond that she's behind it anyway. Diamond didn't suspect Thunder Claw at all upon seeing her, and as a skilled manipulator, she could have easily led Diamond into an area where her goons could snatch her up without witnesses. Moreover, it would have been far more effective in revealing the true nature of her character by having her be genuinely kidnapped and agreeing to help the kidnappers get a larger ransom in exchange for her freedom. Alternatively, she could have actually knocked out the guard, stolen an outfit, and then left Diamond high and dry to teach her how cruel the world can be if you depend on others. Both situations would cause Diamond to lose a great deal of trust in Thunder without necessarily viewing her as a threat. Such betrayal could easily make her question her own relationships that she just formed, given how close she was with Thunder. In this light, Thunder becomes much less of a monster and thus her words have more impact, as Diamond may be angry with her but still wants more than anything for her to change her mind and help Diamond escape. Having Apple Bloom and the others come to save Diamond could either result in Thunder still not understanding or seeing the error of her ways, depending on how you'd prefer to write her. Given how much Thunder listens to Diamond, you could even have the surprise of Thunder having a change of heart and coming back to save Diamond after abandoning her. In any case, Thunder was a character who had a lot of potential in the gray area, but much of it was wasted by dumping her in black paint, reducing her to another mere plot device for Diamond to overcome instead of a person to learn, grow, think, and feel.
As it is, I find it difficult to come to terms with how Diamond dreamed up her entire philosophy in the first place, as she seems to be rather inconsistent about it. Despite wanting to spend time with her family, she adopts the idea that loving others is a form of weakness that should be avoided. This escalates to the point where her mother wants to spend time with her, and Diamond convinces herself to not be excited. This entire idea doesn't make sense to me, as it seems like Diamond has two brains competing for dominance. Internally, she's happy to hear her mother wants to spend time with her, but then internally she tells herself she shouldn't feel this way because it would make her weak. So the result is that she emotionally deactivates her internal happiness and outwardly projects apathy. This raises the question of why Diamond gets so happy that her dad comes to see her on Family Appreciation Day if she's already internalized that feeling love is bad. I believe your in-story explanation was that Diamond likes her dad more than her mom, but it doesn't prove sufficient since showing such visible affection for her dad still contradicts her philosophy that "love makes her weak." If anything, she would have been apathetic to her dad's appearance or actively trying to hide her excitement. If Diamond has grown up with neglectful parents, it would make more sense to me for her to naturally grow apathetic over time simply due to giving up hope that she'd ever get to spend time with them. Since she still gets cared for by her servants, it would seem to me like most of her issues would stem directly from her parents and prompt her to take out her anger on others rather than lambasting the entire concept of love. Personally, I don't think there was any reason to give Diamond such a complicated explanation for why she's mean to others. The connection between neglectful parents and mean bully is practically automatic and doesn't really need too much explanation to understand. Diamond being jealous of the attention Apple Bloom gets from her parents already makes enough sense without having to throw in this additional "love is weakness" philosophy, and the pivotal moment of Diamond's character arc is simply Diamond taking a single step to remedy the neglectful parents thing. I find this whole area to be the most egregious example of explaining too much.
I can appreciate that you deviated from the characterization established in the show so you could tell your own story. Unfortunately, it conflicts with how much you appropriate from the show to establish that this is taking place in the same universe. It's another common fanfic issue, but the tone of this story is worlds apart from the show's. In the show, no one's going to blurt out their parents are dead in the middle of class, no one's going to describe the original founders of Ponyville as "starving nomads", and we're definitely not going to hear Diamond refer to "that damned Apple Bloom". By drawing so much attention to the fact that this story takes place alongside the show, you draw as much attention to the fact that this story is vastly different from the show. It produces this uncanny valley effect where it feels like characters have undergone some offscreen transformation to become who they are here, and it makes the character deviation unwelcome, especially since the story is written assuming we know these characters. Apple Bloom is shocked to see Diamond smiling genuinely instead of maliciously even though she smiles genuinely in the background of scenes all the time, pre-CoTLM or otherwise. She even smiled in such a way at the CMC during the events of Ponyville Confidential. It would have made much more sense if her surprise were based around Diamond having so much affection for her parents and finding a common bond through it. Apple Bloom hardly spends any time in this story thinking about getting her cutie mark, and while that's not necessarily a bad thing, it's mainly because she's simply so obsessed with her dead parents and Diamond Tiara. This is another aspect that I find contributes to the world feeling empty. It doesn't feel like Apple Bloom or Diamond Tiara have lives outside of this conflict. There's no mention of them doing anything other than thinking about each other, talking about each other, going to visit gravestones, and overcoming their emotions. They go to school, but that's because it's a convenient way to force them into the same room. The best example of bucking this trend would be Apple Bloom's birthday party, where the plot still moves forward but Apple Bloom is able to get her mind off Diamond if at least for a second. I just wish the party was a little more lively than a list of who else was there.
The chapter featuring Apple Bloom's birthday party is the one I consider to be your best, mainly because this is the chapter that comes with some terrific suspense. Diamond gives Apple Bloom this card, telling her not to open it until later. Then, knowing Apple Bloom still has the card, we have the conclusion of Apple Bloom and Applejack's conversation from earlier. It doesn't come out of nowhere and ties in to a previous conversation, meaning it still moves the plot forward. It gives Apple Bloom's character arc some closure and even provides some small character development for Applejack. While this entire plot-relevant conversation is going on, the letter looms in the background, going unmentioned by both Apple Bloom and Applejack. By the time we get to the payoff, intrigue has been built up, and the payoff has a satisfying delivery. While it suffers from some aforementioned redundancy, it's mostly well executed.
While I can't say if the quality of this story reflects your current ability, I can definitely see plenty of room for improvement. Providing some more background detail can help tremendously with your world building and help avoid the excessive minimalism I see here. I would also advise taking note of who your main characters are and noting what purpose they each serve in the story. Characters other than Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara felt like tools to be thrown in whenever it made enough sense for them to show up and then thrown away. They're a far cry from the sort of autonomous agents that I'd call characters in their own right, and Applejack and Thunder are the only real exceptions I'd care to name. While I can appreciate giving Silver Spoon her own thoughts and opinions and not kowtowing to Diamond's will, she similarly slipped more into Thunder's category of existing solely to cause conflict. Given that she was introduced by name at the very beginning of the story, it seems weird for her to go almost completely unmentioned without any speaking roles until the epilogue. You can imagine how weird that would be if these were all original characters. I'm not sure why you called Randolph "Randal" in this story, but it would have helped Diamond's side of things if we actually got to see him being the caretaker in Diamond's life instead of just having it stated so bluntly. Nurse Sweetheart is made out to be a little too good to be true, kind of like a job candidate who says their greatest weakness is that they work too hard. Diamond says that she "can't say no", but she seems to have no issue saying it to her daughter. Since the misunderstanding from her day off was entirely Diamond's fault, she essentially gets portrayed as a character without any established flaws, with Thunder Claw being the only one to ever accuse her of having any. Given how much she cares about other ponies, it's almost laughable that she never once seeks to instill such virtues into her only daughter until Diamond asks for attention. The way it's portrayed, it's like Diamond suddenly appeared on their doorstep one day. They weren't anywhere near heartless to throw her out onto the street, but they were kinda doing some important career stuff, ya know? At the very least, neither of them seemed that invested in being parents, and I think you could have touched upon their characters more.
Hope this was useful to you. Keep writing and make the most!
8454546
This was one of my earlier works, so I know this one isn't one of my best. I get a lot of the problems you listed. I tend to have a bit of a narrow focus. In my mind it's not that they have no lives outside of their debate, but that since the story is focused on the conflict that's the moments I write about. If, for example, the CMC went on a cutie mark seeking adventure, it would simply be a framing device to move the plot of DT and AB's conflict along, since attempting to get a cutie mark isn't what the story is about.
I forget my actual wording, but I think Diamond's admiration for her dad she doesn't classify as love, but admiration. He's the standard for what she wants to become.
I thought the butlers name was Randal. Haven't watched the episode where he appeared for a while.
The whole 'empty world' thing... it's one of my biggest problems. I have trouble establishing scenery and making colorful commentary about the world, which might be a turn-off for some people. It's basically my preference. I tend to skim descriptives when I read and focus on the way the characters are thinking and feeling and interacting with one another, and it reflects in my writing. For me, it's like if you want pretty scenery then there's plenty of art out there. You read a story for the characters primarily.
Thunder Claw... honestly, I regret coming up with her. I had a certain user, Kenshinryu, who had a habit of leaving comments that gave me new ideas. In my first story involving Scootaloo he wrote a comment that led me to make an entire sequel that matched the original in length, and it worked out pretty well. For this story and another one focused on the CMC the extra material feels weak to me now.
This time around, he wondered how Silver Spoon was going to react to Diamond's new mindset. Thunder was a parallel to cause DT to doubt herself, but as you say she wasn't implemented very well, and her appearance was a bit too coincidental to be believable.
8455019
I'm well-acquainted with minimalism, and I understand the appeal. My first fanfiction was in script format, which is about as minimalist as you can get. The primary reason we have descriptions is because we currently lack the technology to peer into the author's mind and see what's in there. If we had that technology, we wouldn't need authors at all. Descriptions are like specifying to an artist what you want your piece to look like. When people can imagine anything, it can be difficult to imagine anything, so often a lack of description results in a rather bland imagination of the world. Some authors take it too far and try to write sight gags and slapstick humor, which really don't work that well in a written format. I wouldn't underestimate the value of good world building though. It's one of the main factors that separates a good story from a great story.
To me, saying I prefer less description in my stories is like saying I prefer less flavor in my food. It ultimately comes down to a matter of taste, but it will inevitably result in a blander final product. Regardless, if your choice is to keep bare bones descriptions, I would still advise picturing the scene to the best of your ability in your own mind so that you know what the scene looks like. Then you can watch out for specific sentences that might trip up readers. The less you describe, the more ambiguity you create, and it can get confusing when the reader isn't sure how many characters are present in a scene, how far away they are from each other, why most of them are being eerily silent, etc.
8455291
This is something that trips me up when I have group scenes. Let's say it's a scene involving the mane 6, but Rainbow and Twilight are the main focus. As their own people the others might chime in, but I sometimes find myself just alternating which of the extras get the next speaking line simply so they don't appear invisible, even when they're not really involved in the moment.
8455497
It's something you can mitigate by thinking about these characters as autonomous agents. In real life, people are either involved in a conversation or not. If the conversation is private between two people, they may excuse themselves or find something else to do. If it's something they feel the need to listen to, they may wait until the end of the conversation before interjecting. Most people are compelled to avoid awkward silence, but the need to inject yourself into the conversation is usually a character trait in itself.
In your example, where Rainbow and Twilight are talking but the other main six are present, consider if the other main six being there is important to the story, if the information they are discussing is meaningful to them. If your story stars Twilight and Rainbow, and Twilight and Rainbow are the only ones who really speak, it makes it seem artificial. It makes sense for Twilight and Rainbow to speak the most since it's their story, but that means you need to make sure the conversation gives a reason for them to speak the most.
The show provides a template for character relationships and such, but never feel like you're compelled to include a character in a scene if it doesn't fit the story. You have a lot of wiggle room in this regard to make scenes that keep your character roster to its bare minimum. This is a problem I see all the time with the CMC, as authors often include all three of them in their story when only one actually matters to the plot. So the other two just stand around and occasionally say something. If you bother to give a character a name, be sure to give them a purpose as well.
8455888
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/165088/diamond-tiara-buys-a-little-sister
I'd like to recommend another DT story, but this one isn't mine. Maybe you've read it before or maybe not. It's called "Diamond Tiara buys a little sister." It's 2 chapters, and a little over 9000 words.
Diamond, jealous of Scootaloo being 'adopted' by Rainbow Dash as a sister, decides she needs to show her up by getting a sister of her own. So she goes to the maternity ward of the hospital to buy one. She sees the mother of the one she's interested in, and starts to bargain.
This is a story that, aside from her initial motivation, shows off Diamond when she's not being a bully. She comes off less snobby, and more naive about how the world works, like thinking that offering a check for someone's child is okay. Why wouldn't it be? It's how she's always gotten whatever she wanted. I found her funny.
There are two main issues with the story. One is the coincidence that has to happen for the story to happen, though it didn't bother me. The writer at least handwaves it by giving it a 'what my cutie mark is telling me' vibe.
The other is the ending. There's a time skip where the result of the plot happens, but it feels like it happens too quickly. I think we needed a little bit more before we hit that conclusion portion so it feels more believable.
If you've already read it, or checked it out for the first time, give me your thoughts on it.
8455970
I have indeed read that story, though it's been a few years. I thought I might have commented on it, but I must have decided not to bother. I recall the story being heavily seeped in realism, with almost the entire story being Diamond and the nurse as talking heads. It still could have been enjoyable, but the initial premise didn't captivate me, and the execution didn't make up for it. From what I remember, it was one of those stories where an adult talks with the child as if she's another adult, and they get into some serious discussion about what it means to have a little sister.
I probably still have my original notes from when I read it the first time, but I unfortunately don't have access to them here. I'll have to check once I get back home.
8455970
Just got back and checked my notes. I recall why I didn't comment now. I didn't have anything much to say. I only had four lines of notes that sum up the plot synopsis. The premise and execution just didn't grab me enough to care to analyze it further.
11374204
Me encantó sobre todo la relación madre-hija entre Applejack y Applebloom :3
11374204
First comment was in English. Now you're replying in Spanish. I'm a little confused. Though I did translate it so I can say I like that aspect too.