• Member Since 13th Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen Jun 12th, 2015

Surry


A pool boy by trade. A rocker at heart. A writer by soul. And not afraid to show my face.

T

Cover art by v-invidia on deviantart

Twilight left for an official trip with Princess Celestia, leaving Rainbow Dash at home, utterly heartbroken. She said she would be gone for a full month, and all that she left for her pegasus was a magical stone, tied to the end of short, golden chain. It is an amethyst pendant, created specifically for her use, and its spell can only be used when the time is right.

Sex tag: Implied only (nothing explicit)
I'd like to thank my "family" for helping me with this. (below)
Editor: LightningBass94
Proofers:Bassline and Melody, Twidashforever
Prereaders:SolongStarbird, Timelord358, deli73, FrozenInTime, Tidal

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 201 )

Honestly, this is the first mane 6 lesbian shipfic I have read, so I have nothing to compare it to. :twilightblush:
As far as fanfiction in general goes, it is pretty good.

Sorry to be picky, and I know I'm just pre-reading, not editing, but I feel like these slight changes would help the flow of the story:

as brightly violet as her mare's eyes, were just as equally beautiful as them too.

as bright a violet as her mare's eyes, were just as beautiful as them, too.

such short notice, taking with her very few things.

such short notice, taking her few possessions with her.

pleasant scents around her, and imagining Twilight's face as well.

pleasant scents around her and picturing Twilight's face.

unlocked, just as it had been for about the last three weeks.

unlocked, just as it had been for most of Twilight's absence.

was preparing two uniquely different sets of dinners off in the kitchen.

was preparing two dramatically different sets of dinner in the kitchen.

These are all that I could find. Given that this is a work in progress, I actually expected more bumps than this. The emotions were well placed and easily pulled to my attention. Can't wait for the finished project. Keep up the good work.:twilightsmile:

4155145

such short notice, taking her few possessions with her.

This would imply she's homeless or something, and has very few things that she owns at all. :applejackunsure:

pleasant scents around her and picturing Twilight's face.

This sounds really rough for my ear and wouldn't roll off the tongue very well, but I'll reword it somehow. :applejackunsure:

unlocked, just as it had been for most of Twilight's absence.

This is implied. I wanted the reader to think a little bit. :applejackunsure:

was preparing two dramatically different sets of dinner in the kitchen.

I guess 'uniquely' may have been slightly redundant, but think of it this way.

"preparing two different sets"

means something completely different from

"preparing two uniquely different sets"

The word 'uniquely' is used to imply that the two dinners are nothing alike, which I think it does.


I appreciate your feedback. :twilightsmile:

4156449 Sorry. I'll stick to pre-reading from now on. It's probably best if I leave the editing to someone like LightningBass.:twilightblush:

4156715 Dude, don't think I was was trying to attack you or anything. :fluttershysad:

I genuinely appreciate the effort you gave, and I did make some corrections, thanks to you. :twilightsmile:

4156727 I misinterpret a lot of things, and I mean a LOT of things, but I knew you weren't attacking me. I'm very glad that I could help.

o_o
Maybe Twilight really IS in serious trouble. Like, dangerously serious.

The suspense!!

4158961 No, this story would have a lot more explosions if Twilight was in SERIOUS trouble. :pinkiecrazy:

But you probably knew that already...

4158975 Aww, no explosions?

4158983 Noooo... :rainbowkiss: Just some TwiDash kissies! :rainbowkiss:

4159004 Okay, I guess that sort of makes up for it...
but still....
explosions.....

4159011 Ugh... does Lady have to blow up Canterlot again?! :raritydespair:

4159034 That would be interesting...
Nah, whatever you had planned will be fine. I can make my own explosions :pinkiecrazy:

4159048 Emotional explosions! :raritystarry:

I just gotta' be confident, and I'm sure everything will be fine.

fc09.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2013/356/e/0/rainbow_dash_says__how_you_doin____by_mrlolcats17-d6y9gmu.png
Rainbow "Danger" Dash not confident?

Lol. Jk. I love it so far. :rainbowkiss:

4159229 Well, considering Twilight and/or Celestia could get angry with her, I could see why she'd be a little timid.

4159250 Lol. I was just joking, bro. It's perfect. :rainbowwild:

4159305 I know you were. lolz

4159323 Hell, in my new story, Rainbow was nervous almost the entire time...and that was after a large dose of liquid courage. :rainbowlaugh:

Edit: Where did you find this cover art, 'cause I love it!

4159337 Ava sent me a link to a deviantart :twilightsheepish:

4159349 Oooo! I want it! :pinkiehappy: I might want to ask them to use their art in the future. :rainbowwild:

These are just a couple points where I think some slight tweaking might help

plenty straight enough for her to read

Not sure what to do here, it just doesn't sound right to me...

letting the last of her apprehensiveness vacate her body

Try apprehension. Apprehensiveness works, it just feels clumsy to me.:applejackunsure:
The second part was very smooth for something that needs pre-reading. Are you sure you didn't hire an editor already?:unsuresweetie: The intensity hasn't dropped any since the last section, and the emotions are still there, but I'd recommend trying to make Rainbow's fear for Twilight's current state more apparent. That is unless you are intentionally doing otherwise. This story is rolling out nicely so far.:scootangel:

Surry #25 · Apr 1st, 2014 · · 1 ·

4164173 All good points. :twilightsmile:

4164213 I'm here to help.

So I get on here, ready to seek out any wrinkles that could be smoothed out, only to realize by the end of it that I had completely forgotten why I was reading this, I got so entranced. The pacing was good, and I felt like kissy-kissy parts were very vivid.

Surry #28 · Apr 3rd, 2014 · · 1 ·

4177885 Oh! Why thank you, good sir! :twilightsmile:

wow, this just keeps getting better and better, really keep it up, now if only I could stop getting distracted an start that story for the conte- oh look, a shiny!

4184926 My mind went straight to Pokemon. :trixieshiftleft:

I'm glad to know just how much you love me.

Bravo sir, bravo (starts slow golf clap)

"Why do you act like this sometimes?" she asked more seriously. "You're way too god for me."

You starting a new religion or something? This was freaking amazing. How you manage to get a sex scene rolling and still keep it teen rated, I will never know. I think that this is a top contender for being featured.

Surry #33 · Apr 6th, 2014 · · 1 ·

4189506 oh yikes! :twilightoops: Thanks for the catch!

4189515 Do you want me to delete my comments to get rid of spoilers? And while we're on the subject, how do I block out text, making you have to scroll over it to read it?

Surry #35 · Apr 6th, 2014 · · 1 ·

4189620 the coding is {spoiler} words {/spoiler} except with normal brackets like these [][]

4189645 Oh...that makes sense. Thanks!

Surry #37 · Apr 6th, 2014 · · 1 ·

4189651 No probs.:twilightsmile:

Tidal #38 · Apr 6th, 2014 · · 1 ·

4189656 Your writing is exquisite man, I love it so freakin much! I shall continue reading now lol

It is an amethyst pendant, created specifically for her use, and its spell can only be used when the time is right.

hmmm, this rubs me the wrong way somehow..... but i don't know why....
:duck:
maybe ill read this tomorrow. its to late in the night.

Surry #40 · Apr 6th, 2014 · · 1 ·

4190012 Sorry about that, friend. :applejackunsure:

4190020
its fine, its just every time i see something like this, it makes me think of mind control.
its not the case here is it?

This was sooooo cute! I actually felt my heart flutter and got butterflies in my stomach as I read this. I still have the butterflies, in fact. :twilightblush: It was absolutely adorable. I had a feeling from the beginning that the visit would last longer jst based on how much time she spent thinking about her mare, and I'm really glad that came true. The ear preening was SUPER adorable. I actually said, "D'aaaawwwww!" aloud when I read that. I give this a 10/10, and if it doesn't get featured, we riot! :rainbowkiss:

Surry #43 · Apr 6th, 2014 · · 1 ·

4190040 It definitely won't get featured, man. But it's okay, lolz. :derpytongue2: I don't really mind.

Surry #44 · Apr 6th, 2014 · · 1 ·

4190036 Nope! :pinkiesmile:

4190047 It should. It's one of the best twidash stories I've ever read, and it's one of the most unique ideas for it I've seen. It's hard to put a unique spin on something that so many people have done.:rainbowkiss:

4190061
oh ok! :pinkiehappy:
ill still read it tomorrow.

Surry #47 · Apr 6th, 2014 · · 1 ·

4190063 I sure hope so. :applejackunsure:

4190064 I think you'll like it. :twilightsmile:

4190040 People tend to forget - myself included - that these are ponies. Ponies, I think, do in fact wash each other's ears. Well, cats do. So why not make it something that pony couples do? It's one of the things that really sells this story for me.
4190047 I don't see why this isn't feature material. I've read worse things featured on the homepage. We are talking about the same thing right?

4190071 I completely agree. Beyond the realism though, I just find it absolutely adorable. I find wing preening adorable too, but it's been done a lot more. This is the first I've ever seen ear cleaning.

Surry #50 · Apr 6th, 2014 · · 1 ·

4190071 Yeah we're talking about the same thing.

But anyway, I did some digging before I wrote this and found that sometimes horses lick to show affection. :twilightblush:

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