• Member Since 29th Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen Jan 17th, 2018

DVAN56


I'm just a writer from a crazy place called Ohio

E

It's Hearts and Hooves day, the day ponies express their feelings of love to that special someone in their eye. Though mainly meant for more "grown-up" ponies, it doesn't keep the foals from expressing their innocent crushes with one another at school.

Derpy, like the rest of the foals, has her eye on some pony. However after some unfortunate events, Derpy learns that sometimes it's another pony that truly sets your heart a flutter.


----


Thanks to Berry Punch for Pre-reading.

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 19 )

Such a sweet story. I F***ING LOVE DERPY HOOVES! Best pony! Hasbro, you assholes! GIVE HER HER OWN EPISODE! MUFFINS! MUFFINS! MUFFINS!

Two thumbs up! Also, Liked and Faved!

Woooooot!:derpytongue2:
3914926
Stamp of agreement.:pinkiehappy:

3915150 If I could, I'd give all the views and Likes I got for my Berry Punch story and give them to this guy, just cause' I freaking love that little cross-eyed pony!

I would. Seriously.

I liked this story!
Nicely done

3915157
Thanks!
Here have some more.
:derpytongue2::derpytongue2::derpytongue2::derpytongue2::derpytongue2::derpytongue2::derpytongue2::derpytongue2:
It's my fav emote!

Hmm, this was very adorable.
I thought it was very nicely written, I didn't seem to find any major errors, just a couple of missing commas and some awkward phrases here and there.
However, one thing I have to point out, and it's minor but, in the beginning you called Luke from Star Wars "Luchorses" but then later on you called him "Luke Skytrotter". I personally like the second one better, but just as long as they're both the same it's fine.

It might just be me, but I found it out of place for Derpy's mother to ask whether her crush was a colt. And even stranger still when Derpy responded in disgust. First of all, considering her mom knows her daughter has a crush on somepony, wouldn't Derpy have at some point said "he" when talking about him? Unless of course her mom figured out Derpy's crush by observation, but then that wouldnt make any sense since its clearly state that she doesn't know who Derpy has a crush on. Also, wouldn't Derpy's confused and then completely blank expression tell the mom that she had no idea what she was talking about? It would be more realistic if her mom just said "oh- um, never mind sweetie" after she saw how obvious it was that Derpy was utterly confused at being asked such a question.

I thought it was a little strange that you made Big Mac the kid who plays hooky since he doesn't seem like that type of pony, but whatever. Also, is he in the same class as Applejack? It seems that he is, and I could assume he was held back or something but then again you didn't say.

I like that you didn't have all the mane6 attending the same school, it was nice that you kept it to just Rarity and Applejack (I loved her little line about it being unfair that Derpy gets the cute colt). Fluttershy did seem a bit out of place though, we saw in flashbacks that she stayed in Cloudsdale even after she got her cutie mark. I also have to commend you for not spamming us with unnecessary fan favorite ponies, a lot of people tend to do, so it was nice to see that you kept the focus on the main characters. Prince Blueblood was definitely a nice surprise to see, and you explained his presence there very nicely so he wasn't out of place. It was nice to see him given some personality, I liked that you made him a nice guy and not the complete jerk he's so often portryed as. I thought it was very cute that he tried to cheer Derpy up. Her shouting at him was a just a tad too mean though, I know she was upset but still; it was a bit uncalled for. I understand that children can get emotional and snappy when things don't go their way, but... it just didn't really sit well with me. Another thing, just how old are they? Their implied ages seem to fluctuate a bit. In the beginning you make it seem like Derpy is the equivalent of a 1st or 2nd grader. But then when they're in the classroom you wrote Thunderlane like he was a 4th or 5th grader; excited about two fillies likeing him. He was ok with being asked to be someone's special somepony? I thought 2nd grade boys were afraid of getting 'cooties'. And it seems like a lot of the kids got special somepony cards too, so it makes it seem like the classroom is older even though Derpy was portrayed as a lot younger in the beginning.

But I digress, this story had a lot of good things, it had a lot of heart, the story progressed very nicely, although some parts did seem a bit contrived, there was no forced romance (Blueblood and Derpy starting off as just friends), and it was well written. You gve Derpy some really unique personality, which I loved! You didn't slap her together with Time Turne/Dr. Whooves at the end and that was great; I was completely not expecting Blueblood to show up, so props to you for being original. Yay!

Overall this is a very nicely written story, I'd give it 2 1/2 stars out of 4. (So about 3.5 stars out of 5) I want to give you 3 stars, but I feel like it lacks a certain oomph, but it is a great story, nicely done :twilightsmile:

I have to admit that I was not expecting that little twist there at the end but it was a really nicely done one. Sweet, fun little story. Good job!

3915157 i'm glade you enjoyed it.

3915658 wow. thank you for the detailed review. wasn't expecting that and i like .
However there was one thing i want to bring up. Luchorse is suppose to be punning Lucas, the creator of starwars. I did have it George Luchorse at first but decided to shorten it. Sorry if that caused confusion about it.

3916145 It was my pleasure, I'm glad you liked it; a lot of people can get a bit snippy when they're given some CC.

Ah I see. My mistake then. I wondered if they were supposed to be different people, but since my knowledge of Star Wars is limited I wasn't sure. It's probably fine the way it is (I'm sure there are a lot more people who have watched Star Wars than those who haven't), but remember: the ideal reference joke is invisible to the people who don't get the reference.
But maybe I'm just dense and didn't think that Luchorse having a 'c' in it, and not a 'k', was important :derpytongue2:.

:fluttercry: So, heartwarming, only thing that breaks it is FUCKING BLUEBLOOD! RLY!!!!:flutterrage:

3937197 Yeah Realy:trollestia:

Blueblood is not that bad. actually my perspective of Blueblood changed with the story Happiness In A Very Happy World.

Great story. The scene in the shop at the beggining seemed a little sloppy but it got better as the story went on. I wasn't sure at first when I found out it was blueblood that was talking to Derpy, but then he seemed genuinely nice.

And Rarity's little

No fair, how did Derpy get to the new colt before us, and he looks so dreamy, Its not fair I say!”:raritycry:

Had me in tears.:rainbowlaugh:

well that was adorable

... I had to keep quiet while reading this in my college class today. I nearly burst out laughing.

The laughs were heard all the way from Maehattan to Canterlot. Good fic, sir! :yay:

Welcome. And I'm sure other people found it just as enjoyable! :raritywink:

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!