• Member Since 27th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen July 5th

starshine_dash


Been writing since high school. It's rare for a fandom to inspire fiction in me, and MLP:FiM has done so. So, here I am.

T
Source

Fluttershy lets Derpy stay with her after her coltfriend kicks the scatterbrained mare out of his home. Pregnant with his foal, she seeks out Fluttershy's help as midwife and confidant. Sparkler and Dinky make their presence known when her ex-husband dumps them on the two pegasi. Now finished.

Chapters (12)
Comments ( 138 )

The chapter is a bit short, but it still looks promising, I guess...

WHO THE * IS THE STALLION?! I'LL RIP HIM A NEW ONE! (That's right! I'll rip him so hard he'll skip right from not having one to begin with, to having a second one!)

i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/305/086/3d7.gif
I'm here because I liked your cover art and title. Turns out I like the story too.

828151

Why yes, yes it is. I told someone I would write any pairing they gave me, so this is what my brain leaked out.

Constructive Criticism:
* Your breaks are both centered and indented, so they look awkward
* The story needs better pacing
* You change point of view between characters a lot, this can be disconcerting or confusing
* The chapters are a bit too short
* Don't indent the first paragraph of each section
* "UmifyouwantmorejuiceitsinthekitchenI'msorryIcan'tchatIwokeuplateandhavesomanyanimalstohelp!" is hard to read
* "It can be hard... but I'm not a psychologist... I can help with the baby, but..." This line seemed sort of out of the blue
* Some of your sentences are awkward and I saw a few grammar mistakes and typos

I feel like you're writing Fluttershy in character pretty well
The story seems like it has potential, it's kind of funny at some points and sad at others

If you'd like my assistance as a pre-reader, just send me forthcoming chapters and stories. I can give you lots more feedback. :twilightsmile:

828317
I'll probably take you up on that!

Dude, this really isn't a bad story at all. In fact, I like it enough to fav it. :P
But don't you dare ruin this for me, bro. This is a genius concept and when someone has a genius concept, shoddy writing is NOT ACCEPTABLE.
Kthxbai!

[Also. To Derpy's ex.
I don't know who you are.
I don't know what you want with my favorite pony.
But I will find you.
And I will kill you.]

That stallions number just came up and I feel like having a cupcake or two.:pinkiecrazy:
I like the idea keep it up.

Where's my gun?! Oh right, I don't own one.But when I do, that stallion is getting gelded with an assault rifle!

Somebody please find hat stallion for me. i would like to have a few words with him. luckily, i speak mostly with my fists.
derpy will not go unavenged, and i hope to god the kids are nothing like their father.
How dare he??!!! :flutterrage: :twilightangry2: :pinkiecrazy:

i'm finding kinda hard to read fluttershy's parts. the "um's" seem a little too frequent. other than the um's though i really like the story:pinkiehappy:! gotta love :derpytongue2::yay:

828409 OH GOD. SUDDENLY LIAM NEESON.

I don't always hate someone I have never met nor know the name of,
but when they hurt Ditsy Doo, THEY MOTHERBUCKING DIE!

I like where this is going. Well done.

I'm going to say, this is a really nice story!:heart: It's a great concept, and I think you've done a good job so far! While it is a bit short, I understand that writing is a hard and slow process sometimes. And honestly, aren't some of the best things also short and sweet?

I do enjoy the fact that this is a Fluttershy story very much. She is best pony to me, but Derpy (or as I prefer Ditzy, since it's a tad less insulting in my opinion) is really great too!:twilightsmile: That being said... I think a certain unnamed stallion is going to be strapped down, and have a certain appendage chainsawed off!:flutterrage: NOPONY HURTS MY FRIENDS!!!

...But overall, a great story!:scootangel: It's short, sweet, sad, and quite enjoyable. I'd rate this work at... :moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache: and a half out of ten! Than is a B+, which is good, but it still leaves room for improvement. I know you can do a good job on this, so show us readers and fellow writers what all you can do! :rainbowdetermined2:

*le gasp*

:yay: yay a perfect way to end my birthday thank you :pinkiehappy: loving the story can't wait to see that jerk get whats coming to him hummm :flutterrage: yeah he's a goner :rainbowdetermined2:

Also have a scootaloo
:scootangel:
for luck :derpytongue2:

ok now I am curious who is the mare at the door and why are they angry

Why not introduce him to Kicky McGee? Oh, wait. He should be introduced to a quarray eel.

KICK 'IM, KICK 'IM IN THE NADS! :flutterrage:

I'm looking forward to seeing Cracker Barrel get what he deserves, and I wonder who's at the door.

Five bits say that the mare at the door is Ditzy Doo!:ajsmug: And five more bits say that she is here to buck a certain stallion!:yay: Keep up the good writing!

:rainbowhuh:wait what happened to rainbow dash... oh and great explaination of the two different names

nice man hope they have there own baby :trollestia: but in all seriousness nice fic

Rainbow Dash? Wut? :rainbowderp:

EDIT: and then I discovered the Ask Blind Rainbow Dash Tumblr. It all makes sense now.

832061 Then Happy Birthday, Bro! How old are ya? (As if a petty number like that ACTUALLY matters IRL! XD)

I... Twins?! WTF- *KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*
^ my mind

>> the okler of the two
Older
>> something about charging
In that context, 'charging' just doesn't fit. It gets the point across, just not well.
>> Um... It's... I should... Oh my...
Noep. Shorten.
Next up: BLUSH BLUSH BLUSH BLUSH BLUSH BLUSH BLUSH
You use 'blush' a lot. One, I doubt somepony would blush like that realistically, and two, there are other ways to say it. I like >> A pale blush spread across her features, though. There's 'flushed a light shade of red', 'could feel her cheeks tingle as a blush darkened her face', and simply 'her face turned red[der by the second]'. Also, there are other ways to express attraction - 'could feel a tingle run up her spine', 'tried to push those thoughts out of her head', or 'felt a warmth in her chest'.
Anyways, I like the premise, I thought the 'twins' idea was genius (although now I'm confused as to who Dinky and Sparkler are), I love the buildup, and it seems well-crafted in terms of flow. Keep on writin', don't stop writin', you're gonna be a star someday. :derpytongue2:

EDIT:
Just caught this.
>> as she winged her way back home
Mm. Uh... 'winged'. I dunno, work with it, use a thesaurus or something. Just another prose problem. :|

838663 Thank you
I turned 31 my good sir or as I tell people 29.2 :pinkiehappy:

Sorry, but I've heard better for The Secret Garden than what you chose. Oh well...

This was really sweet. I figured Fluttershy would be musically inclined given that she also has a chorus of birds.

The S.S. DerpShy has set sail at last. May it's voyage be long and glorious.

I feel absolutely secure in my masculinity when I say that last bit was adorable, I squeed a bit. :rainbowkiss:

856744 A bit? I squeed a LOT!!:yay::yay::yay: That was awesome if you ask me! And honestly, I like what you did there with the night time singing, the everypony in a relationship, and especially the Luna part! You've got the goods man! Now if only your work was a bit longer... Hint Hint.:raritywink:

859635
You ponies are never satisfied are you :derpytongue2: Suffice to say there's at least six more chapters coming. So, have patience, silly ponies. :raritywink:

859848 My apologies, I didn't mean to sound so demanding. I was merely being the jerk that I am.:fluttercry: But seriously, your work is nice. I did enjoy this story so far! Your story has helped me recover my desire to write my own story once more. For that I'd like to thank you! *Bows deeply*:twilightsmile: Please keep up the excellent work!

859962
You wren't sounding demanding, I just felt like poking a bit of fun. :pinkiehappy:

859985 :facehoof: Uhn! :facehoof: Uhn! :facehoof: Uhn! Can't believe I fell for that! I'm terrible when it comes to those little tricks! :twilightblush: Remind me to get you back for that...:trollestia:

860004
You wouldn't do that to lil ol' me, would you? :scootangel:

860038 ... If you had talked with Raven Smite about my cliboard, you would know...:rainbowlaugh: I get what I give, you know? If somepony pulls one on me... well, my clipboard usually has an answer for that!:trollestia:

:heart::heart::heart: I still think the chainsaw would solve all the issues, but whatever!:rainbowlaugh: Guess I'll just chase after him with Raven Smite and my other good buddies! I don't think he could outrun hell, especially since Raven here kinda owns it with his blazing wings of awesomeness!:yay:

Anyways, nicely done! That was a good read, and I hope you'll keep up the good work. If I may though, I'd like to suggest slowing down some. I'm sure many others would agree that you should take it a bit slower, and put more soul into each chapter. You've got the right idea, just not enough umph to push me over the top, you know?:pinkiesmile: But whatever, it's your story, and I can't tell you how to run it! Good going, and if you ever want a good fight scene or something, come to me! I know how to get the fun started!

Silverwing Strong (Just your average writer!)

Carcker Barrell is what is commonlly reffererred to by scientists as "A total douchebag, who should have his testicles removed".

Hey look kids! It's a dilapidated vagabond intoxicated into a near coma running like a pack of Diamond Dogs is chasing him. -sips tea- A beautiful way to start a Friday. Thank you for giving that little OC what he deserved.

A few grammar/spelling errors:
"and he'll back after we've had a chance to look over the menu" Missing a "be" between he'll and back.
"The cold didn't respond and kept rambling to Derpy" *colt
"Fluttershy blushed heavily and tried to hid her face with her panini" *hide

868597

Thank you for catching those! I"ll make the edits right away.

869410
Luna's nickname for Celestia. Like Celestia's for her sister is Lulu.

Yay! Luna is my third favorite pony, and I thought this was done quite nicely! I hope I wasn't the one demanding that this was put in though...:fluttershysad: Great work, I'm enjoying this quite thoroughly!

:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

YOU! *cue B.Y.O.B. by System of a Down*

someone should make a luna emoticon.

869462 I've never heard that one before. Normally it's Celly or Tia. Lessa just sounds weird.

The fact that Derpy has already had two coltfriends makes me think she'll reject Fluttershy.

Not the sexual orientation, but the act of being in a relationship.

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