Twilight is not, under any uncertain circumstances, a morning pony. When her mailmare drops by to give her the mail, she does not usually smile, much less invite her in for breakfast. But Derpy is different. Twilight doesn't know how, or why, but being with Derpy always makes her smile, no matter the time of day. After a baking accident lights Twilight's house on fire, where does she stay? With Derpy, of course. TwiDerp and SpikiDink.
Rated teen for some adult themes. No clop, duh, but some situations... well. Also, some future scenes may lead to clop, but not depict it, If anyone wants to write those scenes, go ahead.
Chapters (2)
Also here's a Scootaloo
for luck
Well, this is a fairly promising start.
1117483 Thanks :3 This being my first fic I didn't really expect much good responses. I'll work on the pacing, and thanks for the chicken :3
1117766 Just wait till Dinky comes into the equation :3
Looks good and this is my favorite pairing. My only critique would be to space out the paragraphs and make better distinction through spacing of which character is speaking.
Anyhoof, I look forward to more.
one word: spaces. don't put all the words into one long jumbled paragraph.
spread them out. use more sentences and 'enters'.
you know, this comment would be a good example.
YES! TWI-DERP! only 2nd in my heart, Flutterderp is still the best rare ship
. BUT THIS IS AWSOME! hurry with the next chapter!
sorry i mean if you can, sorry
1118232>>1120647 Kay, I'll work on that.
1123638 In progress currently! Also tons of thanks to Star-killer89 for helping me out of writer's block. I'll format this up and work on the second chapter ASAP. Also, the second chapter's name will be Mistrust Of Glitter. Any guesses on what it might mean?
1124620 hmm...not sure
1118232>>1120647 Please understand that I wrote this on an iPad. I can't use my laptop cuz its broke. I'm commenting from my iPhone. So.
1124620
Oh shucks, you didn't have to say that, pally.
1131184 Oh please, when I didnt have the slightest idea how to push Derpy and Twilight together in an awkward and shipping-prone way you TOTALLY didn't give me the idea of BAKING...
:3 still your my TNT to asplode writers block walls.
Hokay! It has spaces now!
Love is in the air under the Hooves roof
1371260 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Derpy_Hooves_lolface.png Indeed it is, dear Star Killer. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png
Heh. Not bad at all, for a first fic.
AND it's my second favorite ship, too. One thing though,i think you should put in more dialogue where possible; it just seems like it has less emotion. Like the bits where Spike reassures Twilight about her books. Also, I recommend adding more detail to the background/surroundings. Maybe you could have described the reactions of bystanders, perhaps added more detail to the severity of the blaze. I believe that would be all. Derpy, Twilight, and Spike all seem to be not OOC. All in all, pretty good, but could be better. Just trying to help here. 
Actually,i found your comment on Mood Wings(after reading it), and noticed you were making a twiderp. What luck I have!
Again, I only want to point out to put in more dialogue. you did better describing the surroundings,in my opinion. But there is room for improvement.
(i believe derpy had a surprised/physically attracted reaction to the situation, and had been surprised that she was attracted. Lol. Just sharing my interpretation of the subject
) cockiness from Dinky!?
In all the fics I've read, she was more gentle/shy. But I guess she reacts that way to protect her big sis
you still have my interest; but I'll refrain from thumbing up for now. I'm just mean that way
1404790 Aww. Okay. But yeah, thanks for the advice! I made Dinky so cocky because, as you will find out later, Derpy has had a lot of... Failed? Relationships. Plus I wanted to break from the norm. I'll fix it up, then will you re reade and perhaps thumb up? :3
Will do.
(but you might have to tell me when to re-read it when you edit it
) and thanks,i was a little confused about Dinky; not anymore, though. I look forward to the next chapter, and that possible edit (and thumbing this up
)
____edit_____
(i write all my comments from my android tablet, kind of annoying sometimes) Also, it was kind of hard to miss that asdf movie reference. I never thought that it, and ponies, could go together. But I just saw it happen. I love it.
Twilight/Derpy, yay! So rare.
Grammar error at the end there:
Should be 'Dinky and me'. Unless it was an intentional error.
You might want to slow down the pace of the relationships. It feels like the attraction came out of nowhere in both cases. As it is it feels a bit forced. (And the 'falling on each other' situation always feels contrived because I don't think they would actually land that way, and it would be considerably more painful.) Actually, it wouldn't have been so bad if you had hung a lampshade on it. Then it could have been funny.
Derpy's reaction, though, would make sense if she had had a crush on Twilight for a while prior to the story, so I'll give you that one. Then again, maybe the reaction meant nothing. That's possible too. No one ever considers that.
I hope I didn't sound mean. Text always 'sounds' so cold and clinical, or worse, sarcastic and mean spirited. That wasn't my intention at all, honestly. I just didn't want you to fall into the same trap a lot of writers of ship fics fall into, where the writer tries so hard to force the characters together that it comes across as unconvincing and soulless.
1504478 Uh... No, it's not. It's "-name- and I in every grammar book I've looked at. Anyway, your later comment- I will be making a prequel from Derpy's standpoint. And youre fine, I like constructive criticism :3
MFW "Popping a wingie"