• Member Since 11th Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen Jul 1st, 2016

marineproductions100


My name is Cameron. I am a musician, a writer, a singer, and a member of the band Bless Our Demise. My stories are mainly sad because I believe in expressing my emotions through stories...and songs.

T

Fluttershy always enjoyed receiving letters from your one and only mail pony: Derpy Hooves. She always enjoyed watching Derpy play with her daughter Dinky. One day it hits Fluttershy (or Angel does), its time to tell Derpy her true feelings towards her and hopefully Derpy will have the same feelings towards her.

I'm going to give this shipping thing another shot! I rushed the ending of my last one. And I will not let that happen again! I promise everypony. Plus I'm in that romantic mood after reading like twenty (or so) shipping stories. (only one or two were clop)

Rated Teen for: mild language, sexual themes, and sappy confessions. (nothing describing sex but you know better be safe than sorry)

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 21 )

DerpyShy? I can honestly say that I've never seen this pairing. I can't see where this ship would come from though. Mind you, I'm not saying it's impossible, just that I personally can't figure out how it would happen.

3496309 Its quite a nice pairing, actually, one of the first clopfics I read on this website was a derpyshy. If you're curious, it's here, and it isn't just a jump-into-sex clopfic, there's some story to it, and it's quite romantic :3
i just noticed it has the same picture too, heh.
:yay::derpytongue2:
It isnt my OTP, but it certainly isnt a bad one~

Well firstly i want to say its not a bad fic, its quite cute. I just personally think it could be done much better; I mean, there's barely a hint of awkwardness from Fluttershy's shyness, I would think that that would be a rather prominent feature! Again, not saying its bad, just maybe...too easy?

3496645 Thanks for the tips. I'll have it re-edited soon. And um thank you.

3496309 This is a little challenge I accepted from my friend. Since I see I'm already going on the downfall, I have no idea how this'll turn out. But I have my fingers crossed plus I'm the kind of person who puts out ships of pairs you'd never really expect. :yay:

Okay, after reading the story, I have to say that it is very... average. The idea has potential, but the initial conflict (Fluttershy and Derpy confessing their feelings for one another) gets resolved way too quickly. We're told that Derpy and 'Shy love one another, but not why. We don't know what they each love about the other, or why Derpy hasn't made a move before now. (Small side note: If Angel was going to throw something at 'Shy, it would be something small like a carrot, not a metal bowl. Something that big/heavy would A) be very hard for Angel to get the necessary angle and distance on the throw, and B) hurt 'Shy if/when it hit her.)

There were some minor grammatical mistakes and a few spelling errors, nothing big enough to be story breaking, but also too many to ignore or let you really get immersed in the story. There's also no set up for anything after this. The story is marked incomplete, and you've said there will be more chapters, but everything got wrapped up in a neat little bow in this one. Overall, it's average, as I said earlier. I'd give it a 5/10 in its current state, but with some easy fixes and a comb through by a decent editor, it could easily go up to a 6 or 6.5

3497357 shh. Patience is key to success. Though real reason will come. Now, just hush. Though I thank you for your constructive criticism and I am not 100% today. Right now I'm just going to ignore everything. Right now its just up there and it'll be fixed. Don't worry I'm not mad. (not sick either) just not happy. Thank you again for your constructive criticism. Have a good day or night.

Derpy slowly leaned back and Fluttershy slowly leaned forward. (while kissing) Soon, Derpy was completely on her back and Fluttershy was lying on top of her.

1: There are better ways to confirm whether or not they are still kissing than to put parenthesis in the middle of your story like that.

2: It was already clear that they were still kissing.

3497801 *sigh* alright. I don't know if I made it clear to anyone at all. It'll be edited. Just give me some time to get to it. I know your just trying to help and I'm not mad. At all. I'm just not motivated to edit it yet. But thank you and I'm sorry if I irritated you. (even the tiniest bit irritated) Have a good day.

FlutterDerp

One more little thing for whenever you get around to editing. Don't be afraid of pronouns and other descriptors. While it's true that Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (LUS) can be a problem, it's just as much of a problem to always refer to characters by their names.

Let me stress that the story is pretty good, these are small issues that are easily fixable. I understand that you're not going to be editing it right now, I'm just trying to give you some ideas for things to fix when you do get around to editing.

Not too shabby.:pinkiesmile:
It was pretty good but it needs a little more emotion on Derpy's part. :derpytongue2:
Shy is golden for sure. :ajsmug:

I couldn't heart you.

"hear"

I'm tired of holing it in

"holding"

A cute, touching one-shot, and a pairing I haven't seen nearly enough of. Thanks for a fun story.

4145860 Thanks for pointing out my typos. Feedback is greatly appreciated.

4145933 That enough cookie to feed Pinkie for a day!:pinkiegasp:

FlutterDerp? Ok, this was a pairing that I had never thought would have even considered. I liked the story and thought you did a good job.

-frost:pinkiesmile:

This Ship is To Cute!!! #FlutterDerp Forever:yay::heart::derpytongue2:

Login or register to comment