• Member Since 28th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 26th, 2012

AppleSeed454


21 year old Brony, loves animation & comics. Favorite Ponies are Babs Seed, Luna, Trixie & Spike!

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Its that time of year again, the children are out making snow-ponies, Carols are heard on every corner, and Pinkie Pie can be found baking 1000's of gingerbread mares and fruit cakes. But this year, well its a bit different for Rainbow Dash, she's never put much stock in to gift giving you see, until this year that is....

Categories: Slice Of Life, Holidays' Melancholic D'aww.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 14 )

Well, there are grammatical errors but the story is well told and heartwarming. Have a thumb.

I liked it, but the amount of capitalization errors... ugh. :facehoof:

This is not a bad story, over all, but the grammar and capitalization errors made it kind of hard to read. Some of the dialogue didn't flow well either; it was full of run-on sentences. I'm going to take one of your paragraphs and post it as you have it and how I would edit it so you can see what I mean.

Yours:

Derpy looked at Rainbow with her Derped eyes now straight and a rather serious look on her face "Yeah its the thought that counts, but sounds to me your not really putting that much thought into it, or even trying, I mean you make more then enough bits to get your friends & family something nice for the holidays, why don't you...what the hay do you spend all that money on anyway!?"

How I would do it:

Derpy looked at Rainbow, her usually crossed eyes focused and a rather serious look on her face "Yeah, it's the thought that counts, but sounds like you're not really putting that much thought into it, or even trying. I mean, you make more then enough bits to get your friends and family something nice for the holidays, so why don't you?" She paused, "...What the hay do you spend all that money on, anyway!?"

Do you see how it flows a little more? And the dialogue is broken into sentences, rather than being one long ramble. A rule of thumb is that each individual thought should be its own sentence, rather than being strung together.

I hope that was helpful!

Overall, the story was really cute and heartwarming. Keep writing adorable plots. The more you write, the better your work will get!

I have to say, the story was well thought out and crafted. However, as you yourself recognized, the grammatical errors detract from it. I would reccomend giving the original document a good thorough editing, and then repost it. Also, check your usage of quotation marks, that's the error I noticed the most.

You have a good story here, and I'd love to see it fixed up grammatically so it can truely shine.

i like how you ended it there it was pretty much a loop hole with equestrian adoption law RD gets to look after scoots even if she is still a little underage to legally adopt her

So much dawwww. Hope to see more and scootalove is best love.:scootangel::rainbowkiss:

*thump* *thump*
If you're truly not aware of the number of mistakes in this story, then there's nothing I can do to help you. Please, just find someone (online or in real life) who knows proper English and ask them to proofread your work in the future. I'll even do it, if you can't find anyone else. Just please don't publish anything more without having someone else look over it first.

1829497 Yeah.... I really need to buy a copy of Stephen King's "On Writing" as well as a copy of "Writing Fiction For Dummies" I guess XD.

But hey not like i'm writing a bucking novel just some cheesy fan-fic online. Which lets face it, no matter how many of these we write there just ways for fans to get all these silly ideas out of our heads, hardly literary masterpieces XD.

But I digress, I shall try harder next time around. :derpytongue2:

1822590 Thanks Cranberry Muffin, yeah, that does sound better, and is indeed helpful.

I thought this was really good!

Poor Dashie, needs to learn to save her bits! (Although I've heard plenty of real-world cases of people earning a ton of money but having no savings. :eeyup:)

The only real issue with your story was the grammar and punctuation. When I'm writing something like this, normally I just read it over after I've written it, keeping a close eyes out for mistakes. (You gotta watch those commas like a hawk!) In your case I'd say check the sentence structures, make sure your quotation marks are in the right place, and be on the lookout for stray punctuation marks. (I noticed a few forward slashs just kinda chillin' at the end of some paragraphs.)

But yeah, other than the punctuation and stuff this story was perfect. :rainbowkiss: Definitely giving this one a thumbs-up!

Edit: Twenty thumb-ups and not one thumbs-down? I am jealous.

never too many dash adpots scoots fics in my opinion :rainbowkiss:

1852275 what good is all that money if you don't spend it? hm?

I WANT TO EDIT THIS STORY FOR YOU. It looks interesting, but reading it is like pulling teeth without anesthesia. IT HURTS. BADLY.

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