• Member Since 17th May, 2013
  • offline last seen Aug 14th, 2019

Star Sentinel


Bronies are the ponies that love My little pony........Did that rhyme?

E

It's Hearts Warming and Luna and Celestia are celebrating with their mom and dad.

Despite the cover art, Luna and Tia are fillies.

Part of the When They Were Young universe

Made for the December Contest in the When they were young group.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 30 )

That was a first?
It's good enough that it looks like you've been doing stories, for a long time!

3567032 Well...That might be because I RP. So I have to have good grammar and stuff like that. Also spell check is the best.

3567060
So there's a chance that if i'm terrible at roleplay, Im gonna be a not so great writer.

3567089 Well I don't know. Just try your best.

3567105
I can't if I keep forgetting the storyline.
I should've written it in paper first!:derpytongue2:

3567118 That's what my friends do. They write the story on paper then when they get home they type it up. I didn't really do that for this story. I just came up with it as I went.

3567133
Well you are very lucky not being forgetful.

3567150 Well I don't know about you but I prefer making up at the top of my head. Then you have so many possible situations and you can pick the one you like most. I'm sure you can do well if you try your hardest.

Also can't tell if your mad or joking.

3567168
Neither.
I accidentally put an exclamation mark.

3567178 Ah. Right. Well good luck writing your story.

And yes. It does rhyme.
~Flies away~

Celestia was gone before he fell on her back laughing.

:trixieshiftright:

When they go to got the dining room they were greeted with a rather groggy King Terra(,) who had a cup of tea in his magic grasp.

as she took a bit of her toast.

is she eating that?? or is she taking A BIT away from a whole.
I see it happened 2 times. Celly does it too.

I was just say to telling Luna that

"NO!!!!! Why!!!"

:trollestia: that's how the cookie crumbles.

It was getting late(,) to so the family decided to go inside

she for gives you,

that extra space

A few hours of so later and Aeterna was done reading.

Your Transition here is lacking oomph.
Now a example.

A few hours of heartwarming storys, warm milk with marshmallows, and that fresh batch of sweet 'stuff your face' cookies.

Add a description of that transition. not bore us with ' Hours later'

--Commas missing every where--
-- You should sub some of the Lunas and Cellys with a Descriptive word or Phase now and then. If you have to many standard names it gradates on the nerves.--


It was a good little fic all in all. The Opener didn't hook tho.
everypony despises weather openings. When they don't hold a main point in the story.

You had a choppy interaction now and then, but it's not that bad to take away from the story.

I lov Luna

3/5

Keep up the good work.
--Lunar

those cookies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:raritycry::raritydespair:

you totally need lots of commas in your story for the pausing or it won't make sense.

"Can you two not argue about something for one minute." Terra said playfully.

I believe you need to change the . to a ? since it is a question.

But everything else is fine, I guess...
~ the quiet angel(known as flutter away) owo
ps: can i have cookies?

3568741 Thank you. (::)

3567635 Have an internet cookie (::)

So i enjoyed the story, but you do know it Hearths Warming not Hearts Warming right? That was bugging me but good story!

3569035 :twilightoops: It is? Oh Shoot! I need to fix that thanks. :twilightblush:

3570391 no problem keep up the good work!

That was adorable. :twilightsmile:

I enjoyed it! However, I think you overused phrases regarding shoving cookies in one's mouth - there's about ten of them. While it shows exactly what you meant, with some of our heroes becoming quite voracious over those cookies, you could have probably come with some other equivalents, like Luna devoured a pile of cookies, tiny cookies were disappearing in Luna's mouth one by one, or "(some dialogue)," Luna said incomprehensibly, her mouth stuffed with round treats. Just a tip that will help you make your writing more vivid and interesting.

Still, I think you did a good job, considering that it's your first fic, because despite some spelling and grammar errors I really felt the spirit of Hearth's Warming, with casual snowball fight, story time, and of course... cookies!

Very sweet and fun and an excellent first fic. I hope we'll see more from you.

3692887 Oh you will. I'm working on a story for my OC and his pet wolf cub.

COOKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:rainbowlaugh:

3999502 Chocolate chip. The only kind.

That was adorable! It made me smile, that's worth a cookie.

It was simply divine:pinkiehappy:

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