Readying for the Polar Express
Humanized Ponies!5,597 stories ·3,468 members
Sweetie Belle2,660 stories ·1,638 members
SpikeBelle186 stories ·701 members
Straight Shipping6,611 stories ·2,893 members
Spike Finds Love462 stories ·446 members
After a bad dream, Spike takes a walk around Ponyville and bumps into someone. What will happen next? Read and find out.
Special Thanks to The Maiah for the cover art.
please leave a comment on what needs improving.
1st chapter is Spike's POV
2nd chapter is Sweetie Belle's POV
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A decent start, lets see where this goes.
3880233 Thanks. If there is anything about this that confuses you, let me know. I'm willing to work with everyone on improving.
@Darth Redbeard...
(original) story Description excerpt:
1. Either there is Romance or there isn't. If there is, then you use & let your storytelling show it and have your reader audience judge. Stepping out from behind the literary curtain and say, "No no no! This is how it's supposed to be!", kills reader interest instantly.
If there is not Romance, or if you only have the equivalent of two characters kissing once and that is it ("and then they kissed" blurbs are not romance), then you should not have the tag. Mis-use of story tags, akin false advertisement, is another fatal error to fan-fiction presentment.
{Oh, and I think you meant "no touchie." As opposed to "Touché", which is scoring a decisive hit in verbal &/or swordplay fencing.}
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
2. Telling people not to touch the Dislike button even before your fan-fiction is even read is more likely to have that happen than not.
For finding an Editor & Proofreader(s) here on FiMfiction site itself...
~ a. Looking for Editors
~ b. The Proofreader Group
As the general rule for literary writing, you should only have a single Editor, but you can have multiple Proofreaders.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
3. My (friendly) advice is overhaul your story Description section into something to sell your story to potential readers, not for OOC Author commentary, pleas, &/or demands (that is what in-story Author's Note function is for).
Hope this helps.
3880693 There is romance in the story so I'll have to work on that. Thanks for the advice. I'm also wondering if you would be willing to proofread the story? Need all the advice I can get. And some help on the next chapter.
3880693 Took the Romance button off. After looking at it a bit more, I realized that right now, hardly any at all so I need to work more on this stuff.
Gotta love Spikebelle fics
My only issue is that there are several differences in here than on the show, such as Spike's backstories and how he's a student at the schoolhouse to name a few. Maybe an alternate universe tag would help?
Other than that, I'd like to see where this one's heading.
3909490 Didn't think of that. Sorry. Thanks for the advice. Waiting for someone to edit it. The reason I put that backstory on was so people would understand what was happening. Maybe I should've put Flashback in that part. I'll get to work on it.
Woo! More SpikeBelle (let us crush Button Belle!).
Its a nice start, especially the snuggling on the Ferris wheel, so cute
A couple of things though:
First off is that it feels like your just telling us a lot, much rather than showing e.g 'Scootaloo was one of Sweetie Belle’s friends. She also idolized Rainbow Dash. ' or 'At first it was dark but then we saw some lights. The tunnel was filled with many romantic things.' A little bit more description might help, as sometimes it just feels like I was reading a list much rather than a story.
Second is the whole man on horse statue thing, didn't really understand it, plus; 'The Princess explained everything a bit more before everyone left for home.' That doesn't really help us, the reader, as we don't know what she said. Unless you are planning on explaining that later in which case I am sorry.
Lastly is a personal nitpick, I just don't like it when two characters fall in love after just starting to go out. Just a personal thing and I hold nothing against the story if you go with that direction. I just think love is something you have to work towards.
All in all liked the fic as it seems yopu are going with Spike being a tragic character and I like it; plus you have captured the cuteness really well.
Hope this helped and can't wait for next chapter.
Oh one last thing... Boo!
Flash Sentry Boo! 
Sorry, just had to get that off my chest
3880938
Put the romance tag back, there is romance here (all that snuggling). Plus I assume there will be more later so yeah... romance all the way!
3917314 Thanks.
I better explain a few things to help.
Thanks for giving me some help on the list type stuff. I'll work on the description more.
The statue is getting ready for a major conflict that will soon appear in Equestria. And the guy on the horse would be my character. Don't be sorry, you had every right to wonder. Freedom of Speech.
I tried to get the whole thing more towards a work in progress style but didn't turn out the way I wanted. I need more practice.
lol on Flash Sentry. I can understand that people are not big fans of him, but everyone has their own opinion. Don't worry.
Just need help on doing Sweetie Belle's view. Any suggestions, I would be glad to hear them.
3917330 I will.
10 dislikes. I'm going to throw someone down a reactor.
3933619 That's alright. When you can, re read it and you'll see that Spike runs into Sweetie by herself. And I'm also going to do a flashback for her as well.
3933644 pretty good. You did see that the categories did say Human. But thanks for the advice on the flashback. I'll be working on it sometime this week. If you see anything that your confused on, let me know.
Despite some spelling and grammatical errors and a severe lack of exclamation points, you've really improved with this chapter
Great job!
4049193 Thanks man. And did you check out the AN?
4049248 Eeeeyup
thanks
4049738 your welcome.
Sorry not my cup of tea. I may sound shallow for it but I despise Flashlight. I love Spikebelle, but I can't stomach the other. I won't downvote, but I don't think I could finish because of that reason.
4075773 there was only two small mentions of Flashlight, but I understand. Everyone has their opinion.
4076511
Sorry that was my bro that wrote that. Idk why he even did that.
Im going to read this tho.
4078006 annoying little brothers? I can understand. No worries.
4078006 I can also understand if it's not the best story in the world. It was more of an experiment with 1st person POV.
We'll I just finished reading it. I don't see why it has so many dislikes. I mean it is rushed to the extreme and needs to be fixed, as well as having more dialogue instead of narrative. They aren't really talking much nor doing anything. It times skips a lot.
Anyways, the story itsrld isn't all that bad and the grammar is very good. Very few mistakes were found. Also this Pairing is one of my favorites so it gets bonus points. Glad it didn't go into detail with Flash. Overall I'd rate it a 6 out a 10. 1-3 is a dislike, 4-6 is no like or dislike, 7-8 is a like, and 9-10 is a like and fave. Keep working on lengthening works like these a bit to what I suggested above and they will become much better.
4078120 Thanks. I'm trying to get ideas for the sequel. That way, people will be able to read these stories in order. Any ideas? The sequel would be their first date.
4078145
For SpikeBelle? I have a Library of ideas dude.
4078190 I'll send you the link to the original.
nope!
4121490 dislike, just because of Flash? really?
4121509
who said i even down voted it?
besides, i just left as is.
just didn't really finish.
4121536 I noticed, your comment and another down vote. Don't need the force for that one.
4121539
er.... no.
i just left....
4121490 buck no to that notion my friend
loved the story
great pacing, no spelling errors, characters were as they were in the real show.
rating:10/10
congrats you won three tanks: a tiger Mk1, a panther, and a tiger Mk2 a.k.a " king tiger
4220485 thanks. I'll give those tanks to the 2nd Corps of the Imperial 1st Army.
4220485 I should also mention that its sequel is up all the way to the main series. Trouble Begins was an earlier one, so it's not the best.
4220492 your welcome and tell those Imps not to invade northern Europe that is my territory ( even though I am a American
)
4220510 The Imperial Empire is based off of America, but each Corps and Army has their own tanks. 2nd Corps has German tanks.
4220510 And we already conquered Northern Europe and the rest of the world.
4220509 Ill give a read some time I am a member of the 501st tank squad of the 13th battalion of the 3rd corps in the Solar rebel army
4220523 You have just met the Emperor of the Imperial Empire.
my armory has a couple german tanks and tds, a platoon of American armor, a company of soviet T34's and SU-100's, and five French artillery units
4220522 you S.O.Bs
4220522 including the North and South Poles?
4220536 The Imperial 1st Army has French and German tanks. The 2nd has Russian, 3rd Japanese, 5th British, 6th Italian, Emperor's Guard American. Different tanks from different eras.
Mostly WW2 tanks
4220550 the solar army ignored Italian armor for they were terrible in WW2
4220556 The 6th Army is based on Italy. They don't go into battle all the time, just when needed. The soldiers are really not from WW2, but Civil War era.
4220549 afraid so.
4220529 so YOU'RE the emperor
and here I am a captain without my formal wear