• Member Since 29th Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Darth Redbeard


Readying for the Polar Express

Sequels1

T

This story is a sequel to A SpikeBelle Date


Part 3 of my series. Equestria has fallen under attack by a foreign power, and is in danger of falling. As Spike and his friends and family head for Canterlot, a plot unfolds that will change Equestria, forever!


FINALLY FINISHED!

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 44 )
Comment posted by Blackguard deleted Jan 19th, 2014
Comment posted by Darth Redbeard deleted Jan 18th, 2014
Comment posted by Blackguard deleted Jan 19th, 2014
Comment posted by Darth Redbeard deleted Jan 18th, 2014
Comment posted by Darth Redbeard deleted Jan 19th, 2014

The grammar, akward plot and pacing, and the general mass of cliches in this story makes my eyes bleed. Also, why not put all of the chapters in this series of stories into one story? A full length "story" shouldn't be one chapter of a series.

4391086 I can understand what you mean, but it's somewhat too late. I also preferred to do one at a time, since the sequel to this is the main story. Do you have anything that you think should be different in this story?

4391152 Either do a MASSIVE re haul of the entire series, or BAN HAMMER IT out of existence.

4391156 the first two have already been fixed and rewritten, so that's out. and it did take forever to get the first two stories finished.

4391156 and this was an earlier one, and that was when I had no proofreader, had some grammar trouble, a lot of stress, and still had some more things to learn. The sequel to this has done better, and the two before this have done better after they were rewritten. The only thing I can do for this one, is take it down, and do a major re-haul of it. Point out some issues in a PM and I'll fix them and send it to my proofreader. Some things however, are not going to be changed.

4391353 anyway, thanks for the review. You were nicer about this than the last person to review it, and I would like to thank you for that.

4391363 Don't mention it. Also, have you ever heard of Outlast?

I would do a re write my friend for there were many things happening at one time
overall
Pacing: need a major tweak; we went from manehatten bay to manehatten to ponyville to Canterlot and to a general flee from Canterlot. I can easily see this either have two or three chapters if you pace it right.
details: when it comes to numbers, they should always seem a bit realistic even in a place that doesn't really exist. for example: the invasion force at manehatten instead of 20,000 planes and 500,000,000 troops; try 2,000 planes and 500,000 troops.
when you briefly described the enemy troops you could of' expanded a bit and give some details, like color and armament. When you described the flee from Canterlot there were so many names that I got lost half way through, situations like this are when the " less is more thing" could work best.

sorry if I am rude my friend, but you are doing more of telling instead of showing.
not too bad

4392448 it was an earlier one. I guess I could have the others arrive after the city has fallen. I will be working on the rewrite while on my break. This story will have to come down and a new one in it's place.

4392475 If you ever need help, you know where I am.
also did you see my latest entry?:rainbowwild:
have fun:pinkiecrazy:

4392498 you might want to see mine. I'll have to be more careful this time. Hopefully the numbers of ships wasn't an issue.

4391518 You don't want to know what it is then.

4396072 In the DLC, there is an insane man near the ending that tries to perform a transgender surgery on you without anesthetics and using an electric table saw. Did i mention he's doing this to have "children"?

4396270 Yeah. Fortunately, the sick fuck get's impaled on a beam of wood or something.

4392498 if you ever come back, I got this rewrite going in full force.

4396603 and finished. Feel free to give opinion on rewrite.

5022749 :eeyup:
Crossovers are showing up more and later in the sequel.

This is the first thing I've ever checked for errors on. So I shall do my best.

As the train continued its journey away from Manehatten, Babs looked back and saw the smoke continue to rise over the city. She could not believe what she had saw.

Shouldn't that be seen, or better yet "what she had just witnessed" or "just survived"

A foreign army had invaded and just began destroying her home and killed family.

Wouldn't it be killed her family


Is this how this is done? To be honest I have no Idea what I am doing.

5250692 some mistakes were on accident. It happens when I write and don't slow down.

I'm just practicing my proofreading a bit and trying to be helpful.

“Equestria is now ours!” The exclaimed.

Pretty sure you mean they

That's all I could find

5250722 having someone look over is helpful. I really should slow down, but when I get into the groove, I can't stop writing.

5250728 Now I am here to look over stuff after you start writing so it fine, my friend. :pinkiehappy:

5250755 thanks. I'll make the changes after I get some sleep

5250781 Sleep sounds like a good idea actually.

Good story I like it.

6144028 been a while since I had someone comment on this one.

Thanks.

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