This story is going to take place in an alternate universe, where all the former stories have happened in one world (well, really two). Being an alternate universe, allow for some bending in the story that the originals didn't have. I am not connecting it to any of the other stories, and this story will not influence the progression of all the other stories. Thanks to: Ravensdagger, BARR0SS, CaleMcManus21, Xepher, Jonnycashsix, Meow mix, TheGentlemanCreeper, and Crisis Nova for creating the stories and characters that inspired this, and for inspiring me. Their stories are linked.
And now, the clip notes version of what's happened in the story so far.
First off, Featherweight, through a lot of trials with Scootaloo, and working ever so hard to earn her love, even with his friends messing with him, he finally learned that he really loved Sweetie Belle. They have become coltfriend and fillyfriend.
After that happened, Scootaloo started falling for a colt named Lightning Rider. They struggle with their feelings in silence until a certain bubbly pink mare advises that they both just admit their feelings for each other. Thanks to that, they learn they like each other a lot, and become coltfriend and fillyfriend
After seeing both her friends get taken away by boys, Apple Bloom falls for a boy named Sunset Charge, and they start the most innocent relationship as coltfriend and fillyfriend
soon after this, the girls discover that they are really golems brought to life by magic cupcakes and REALLY strong wishes. Later they tell their coltfriends and get their cutie marks from their abilities. And their coltfriends get their cutie marks as well
Following that story, Rainbow Dash starts dating a blind Pegasus, named Solar Storm. After a long struggle with it, he finally admits his disability, and she loves him more for it. They become stallionfriend and marefriend.
after that story, a mysterious creature is awoken in a dig far from Equestria. The creature is a human who has been successfully been preserved using cryogenics. He was a mutant then can change from being a human, to a bipedal reptile with wings and immense strength, to a quadrupedal reptile of an immense speed and agility, to a dark bipedal reptile that is his rage, and will only appear in times of immense distress and will kill all things in sight. He is befriended by the queen Celestia, and decides to help as a "muscle man" of sorts wherever and whenever he can.
Soon after that, due to the discovery of humans, Celestia felt that an ancient prophecy needed fulfilling. Right as she realized that, an unusual occurrence came about. A portal opened up and out came a young man named Chase, the Casanova. He was arrested, interviewed, and then released. He then earned the trust of everyone, including a certain newly appointed princess of friendship. He started a relationship with this pony, and in the proses, proved himself and earned the ring of the first horsemen of the apocalypse, known as Conquest
About a month after that incident, another portal opened up at random, calling the second horsemen, named Cale McManus, the assassin. He was treated similar to the first horseman, and earned the trust of the equestrians, namely that of the queen Celestia. She soon developed feelings for this young man, and he returned these feelings. They soon began a very loving relationship. Due to all that, he earned the title as the second horseman, known as War.
Almost like clockwork, the next month, a third portal opened up, this time in the middle of a busy street. Out of it, came a striking young woman named Jacqueline. She preferred to be called wildcard Jack. She was also arrested, and earned the trust of equestria. She also earned the ring of the third horseman, called Famine.
And now, a month has rolled around, and people await tomorrow's arrival of the one horseman they all dread; Death. The first three were acceptable, but they had an instinct that said they should never, ever trust Death. And here, the story begins.
Well.... Interesting
Prince?
Indeed. There is a prince
Fix your spelling.
Highly interesting and immense potential, but it could use a bit of work overall. Not a lot, but a bit. Try looking at this guide, it helps a lot. http://eznguide.neocities.org/#Action-tags
4553466 but who?
Let me start this with a disclaimer... you asked for feedback in the notes of the first chapter, so here it comes. Nothing I say is meant to be discouraging though, merely honest.
That said, here goes... This is rough, really rough. You've got a lot of problems, both technical and in more general areas. Despite that, I can see that you do have some solid ideas you're trying to work with, and there bits here and there which stand out, showing that you have the potential to do a lot better.
Let's start with the bad:
#1 Grammar, spelling, and punctuation. These aren't optional. While most readers will tolerate the occasional typo or slip-up, nothing will lose you readers faster than butchering the technical details. The good news here is that this stuff isn't too hard to learn, and there are plenty of resources out there to help. The key is to spend the time, both in writing frequently for practice, and in editing your own work. Take that time, and try your hardest to deliver a polished product. In the processes, you'll learn a lot.
On that subject, one suggestion I give to a lot of new authors... don't let your spellchecker correct things for you. A lot of the misspellings I saw were the WRONG words rather than actual typos. I see this very frequently when someone has simply stepped through the spellchecker, clicking the "correct" button on every mistake it finds. Avoid this. Let it highlight problems, but retype them yourself until they're correct. Not only will this make you pay more attention and avoid those pesky "their/they're/there" mistakes, but will help you become better at spelling yourself, letting future writing go even faster.
Likewise, when you come across something you're unsure about ("How do you quote dialog inside dialog?") or see something that "just feels wrong" don't let it slide, don't just guess at what's correct... go look it up! If you consider the entire writing process as something educational, you'll improve at it a lot faster than if you just "wing it" and hope for the best.
#2 Pacing. This one is hard to get right, and comes mostly with practice. The main thing to remember is that when you're writing something, you're going way, WAY slower than you are when reading it. As such, you may often feel you've been on a scene or action for far too long, and need to jump to the next plot point. When a reader is going through it though, what was many minutes to you may be only seconds to them, and the jumps can feel awkward or unnatural.
One way to improve this is to "sketch" your scenes. Some people do outlines for this, but I often like to write a shorthand version of a scene to figure out how/what needs to happen. I do it quickly, closer to reading speed, then go back and write the fully detailed one once I've established the pacing.
Ex: "Twilight enters, finds spike nervous. Asks why, he mumbles something about dinner. She notices the smoke from kitchen door, starts to panic. Kitchen fire. Lots of frantic words. Water spell? Goes wrong, soaks books, adds to panic. Soaked owl for humor?"
Those couple of lines might end up being a couple of pages or more when written out, but I know all the points I need to get through before it's time to change scenes.
#3 Mary Sue. A Mary Sue (if you're not familiar) is an overly perfect protagonist, usually a self insert. Here, your "Smith" is basically Tony Stark with a better garage. As it's also in first person from his PoV, this really dings all the Mary Sue bells, and this is generally a bad idea for a character, unless lampshaded as such for comedic effect. Granted, you haven't finished your story yet, but the overly detailed descriptions you give for his cars and posh lifestyle don't seem to serve any purpose to the plot, leaving the reader to assume this is basically your own self-insert/wish fulfillment.
Okay, enough on the bad. For the good, it's clear that you've got some big ideas of what you want to do in the story. You're obviously bringing together a lot of concepts from many different places/stories, and that can be really fun. It'll be challenging as well though. I do see in your writing, some places that stood out as more polished. For example, you frequently use some more complex sentence structures, which will definitely make for better prose in the long run, though they're still mixed in with some very haphazard stuff.
All that said, keep at it! There's nothing that helps as much as practice, so don't let anyone (me included) discourage you. There's an oft-repeated adage about writing, that you basically must write (and edit to a polished state) a million words of junk before you can really be ready to write properly. I'm not sure about the exact numbers, but I do promise you that if you stick with it, in a few years you'll look back and be absolutely amazed at how much further you've come.
Thank you for your feedback. I am taking the points you brought up into my writing and I hope it shows. The one concern I do not share with you is him being the perfect protagonist. His money is simply to allow for a more developed character. His power that will come with being death will not allow him the opportunity to overcome great challenges with ease. It is simple fact that if Death took on form, it would possess within it the power to overcome anything, else it would not be "the debt that all men pay." But thank you again, and I will be sure to put those points into practice
A few spelling mistakes, but still good. I have to ask however, whats with the tablet?
*There
Have patience, and it will soon be relevent
But you of all people should know
4595645 but I dont want to be patient
Ok, so what wpuld you have done if I never told my readers the password? Just said that it was relly big?
Also great chapter, but I noticed twice that you put 'their' instead of 'there'.
Cant wait for more.
That chapter was written a while before I read it, so the story would've been different if you'd never used the password. But you did, so it's all good. Sorry I hacked your characters alternate universe twin and will soon see his dark secrets btw
4685642 im keen
Waot a minute. Is my guy war or pestilance?
Neither, and to me it's Conquest, War, Famine, Death. Your guy is the guy in the alligator vest that gets all up in his face
Caboose!
More.
4799265 Thank you. After a super long day, that just made mine
Hey, my Horsemen characters! Can't wait what happens next!
~Gary Stu!~