Trixie and Twilight are best ponies! (Diamond Tiara is best filly :D )
The Writers' Group56,394 stories ·9,291 members
Short Stories5,070 stories ·547 members
The Diamond Cutters1,361 stories ·1,208 members
The Shameless Self-Promotion Bureau49,224 stories ·5,457 members
Twily's library545 stories ·272 members
Stories on Goodreads28,599 stories ·492 members
Sports Day is here, and all of the fillies and colts are excited for the coming races… Until the Cutie Mark Crusaders point out that Diamond Tiara may very well lose to them. Desperate to ensure that does not happen, Diamond Tiara decides she will go to extreme lengths to ensure her victory. Unfortunately, she doesn’t realise until it’s too late that her actions take her too far…
Page generated in 0.117 seconds
Total duration
925 users online
340,364 hits today, 2,244,100 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
LET THE MISCONSCRUTING BEGIN!!!
Booo! Get off the stage!
You have a horrible, horrible, PAINFULLY bad sense of humor.
Keep up the good work.
Oh Celestia damn it
upvote
Yeah, okay, have a like.
Oh, you.
Saw THAT coming! T_T
................
.......
Heh. Ok, yeah, nice one.
okay i'll say it this is NOT what we thought
Awesome. Isaac Asimov would be proud.
I was ready to say "I am disappointed there is no car," but honestly this works just fine as is.
For some reason, adding the rimshot sold the like. But yeah, that was pretty good.
I noticed at the begginning you switched between past and present tense a bit, but it got better. It was decent, but I think it needed more than just that pun.
........
........
........
Oh god that is horrible, one well deserved thumbs up for you.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1qexdZ7zQ1qgaob4.png
*Snort* Okay, not too bad. I was kinda hoping she had a heart attack...
Fast one
Wow, and here I thought someone was finally going to learn a lesson...STOP MAKING ME MISINTERPRET THE TITLE!
Having read your previous DT fic, I kinda expected something like this. Still pretty funny though.
Why is it that every other time I find myself in the Yukiverse, I come across someone that says, "It can't be helped." I'm guessing it's because it's a common anime phrase, but I find it weird that it's one of your identifiable idiosyncrasies. Regardless, it would seem I have another simple slice of life story to review, this one delving into the mental element of sports.
I have to say, for such a short story with an ultimate focus on Diamond, this one sure does spend a lot of time not focusing on Diamond. It's basically two stories stapled together with the first one having no conclusion. I guess we weren't meant to know if Apple Bloom managed to redeem herself or if Sweetie and Scootaloo impressed their older sisters. Given their track record, it could have gone either way, but seeing as how it was never brought up again, I have to wonder if it needed to be brought up in the first place. Also, I get what you were doing with Silver Spoon, having her pretend to lose her glasses so she could skip out on Sport's Day, but much like the CMC's part, it spends so much time focusing on it in comparison to what it accomplishes. You could have easily covered that entire plot point in one sentence. Something like:
You could probably be more elegant about it, but seeing as how this is just a background detail, there's a definite need for parsimony here.
As I'm sure has been established by my subtext alone, this story is one-dimensional in its simplicity. That doesn't make it bad; it just prevents it from being interesting. The entirety of this story revolves around the play on words that the title creates, which is why it needs so much filler to pad it out. At this story's core, the only necessary parts are Diamond's argument with the CMC and the race itself. Unfortunately, the argument's a bit generic in its structure and doesn't have any memorable quotes, so I can't really give you points for that one. And as for the race, all of it's from Diamond's perspective, and it consists of her repeating to herself that she can't lose.
I can ,however, give you credit for capturing the awkwardness of crossing the boundaries during a sporting event in a way that doesn't necessarily break the rules but is still embarrassing. You seem to have a knack for creating a strong sense of realism out of life's lesser embarrassments. Seeing as how this story is so simple, I'd say it's the main strong point.
As for the main weak point, I'm not sure you know what time this story takes place. During the first few paragraphs and a number of times after it, you slip back and forth between past and present tense.
Either is fine, but both is not. When it comes to tense, you should pick one or the other. When you use one and mean the other, you change the meaning of your words and confuse the reader. I'd recommend correcting this story's tense yourself as a way of improving in this area.
Grammar seems fine from what I can tell. The only real grammatical mistake I found was from this sentence:
You can go ahead and fix that at your leisure.
I'd call this story a bag of potato chips with one chip left. It's mostly air, and there's nothing particularly special about the chip itself, but it was at least cooked properly and salted. Certainly not disgusting, though too much of it would be quite unhealthy.
Make the most!
What. That's all I can say about this.
I'm sorry was Sweetie mocking Diamond? Perhaps you should have added the fact that she used a mocking tone of voice or exaggerated Diamond's attributes in her impersonation.
I honestly thought Diamond herself was talking until I got to "Sweetie Belle said."
that and the fact that Sweetie just admitted that the three of them were loosers and Bloom and Scoots laughed about it.
so did she win or not?