• Member Since 19th Oct, 2013
  • offline last seen Oct 10th, 2017

Frission


Frission: The Happiness ponymon. Frission takes 2x damage from Feels-Type attacks. Special Ability: Yayifications! — Like and Follow buffs can increase EVs above normal maximums.

T

Since the recovery of her crown, Twilight has become obsessed with rediscovering the lost magic which created the 'Portal Mirror': a gateway to another world. On top of that, a former enemy has arrived in Ponyville, looking to make amends.

With her help, Twilight ends up with more than she bargained for when an accident occurs during her studies, touching off an adventure spanning across multiple realities. With a new gateway linked to a myriad of new worlds, what will they find as each expedition brings them one more step removed from the universe they call home?

Editing by SpaceCommie and Prak
Pre-Reading and Contributions by Minifig.
Special Thanks to InsertCoolUserNameHere, who inspired me to start writing!

Chapters (14)
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Comments ( 243 )

:ajsmug: Glad I could proof read this awesome ( :rainbowkiss: ) story for you! I hope I can continue to as it progresses. I'm really enjoying reading it as it develops. Keep up the great work.

Summary looks fantastic. Love the subtle cover art too. Looking forward to seeing where you take this.

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Thank you both for the encouragement! I hope I can keep up the quality for the whole story, or at least keep it interesting! :twilightsmile:

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If you don't keep it up, I'll find ways of making you keep it up. It's really good and I will encourage you every single step of the way. :derpytongue2:

Can't wait for the next one it already looks to be a promising story

Awesome! is this your first fan fiction?

when will the next chapter come out? looking forward on this

This is looking promising.

3463917
Yes actually, this is the first piece of fiction I've ever written with the intent to show anyone else, so I'm pretty nervouscited about it. :pinkiesmile:

I'm aiming to hammer out a chapter at least once a week, depending on how much homework gets in the way (I'm currently attending college). I'm eager to write more, but I don't want to make promises before I know I can fill them. ^.^'

Thanks to everyone who's favorite'd and given me encouragement already, it means a lot! :yay: All this attention is enough to make me want to borrow Rarity's fainting couch!

Edit: Next chapter is already in progress, so maybe I'll have it up pretty soon after all.

the musty smell of knowledge greeting her as she gazed over the room filled with tomes collected from all corners of Equis. A smell somewhat tinged with a hint of burnt toast.
The library proper was in a state of complete disarray, stacks of books towering in random piles on the floor and every corner of the room, notes and papers strewn haphazardly on every table along with quill pens and ink. There was barely anywhere to walk through the colossal mess that she found before her eyes.

:twilightoops: Oh, dear Maker--she's experimenting again...!!

EVERYPONY RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! (Only kidding, Twilight dear, but you might want to read up on proper hazardous-procedure safety protocol again. Just as a refresher course, y'know?) :rainbowlaugh::raritywink:

“Aw, that’s all righ’ Twi’, I’m just happy to see you out and about again! And ‘ey! So long as you’re here, can I interest ya in a nice hot apple fritter or two to start your day?”

Cor blimey! 'E's makin 'er talk like a Cockney! I think 'e needs an 'and or two wif this accent.

But besides that and the weather-report opening, this is pretty good so far.

3471594
Yeah, that was Mini's recommendation actually, originally I just had her say "all right" and "hey". As mentioned in my note on that chapter, striking the right balance between country accent and "oh god, the accent! THE ACCENT!" is a bit difficult to do in text. xD I think I'm going to switch that back, actually. It's been bothering me a bit.

I get a shout out? Sweet. Guess I can check that off the bucket list.

Anyway, it seems interesting. When I first saw the mention of the Mirror Portal, I thought it was going to involve humans. Luckily, that isn't the case (I don't like humans mixed in with my ponies). I haven't read it yet, but I will find time for it. Can't promise a specific date, but it will definitely be read. Unfortunately my life is way too busy for my liking, at least for the moment. College, work, balancing two stories, amazing MMO's, girlfriend-who-will-be-on-leave-from-Coast-Guard-soon, and my own damn laziness keep getting in the way.

Also: 90 views on your first story after only a day? Wish I'd had that kind of success at first :rainbowlaugh: "Howling Winds" only had 15 views by the end of the publication date.

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:applejackunsure: Pay attention to AJ in the show. She rarely accents her H' unless she's saying Hay, or Hey at the start of a sentence that's expressive. Otherwise, she drops it entirely. :ajsmug:

And Frission... :ajsleepy:

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Aww, *comfort* :fluttershysad:

No worries though, I kept the rest of your edits. :heart:

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Hehe, I'm glad you found that line as amusing as I did. :twilightblush:

nothing ventured, something gained huh?

do you know in the movie kung fu hustle, the title of the axe gang's theme song is 'Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained'?

awesome music, will I be expecting titles like 'The fisherman of the east China sea?' in the future? :3

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Thanks, and no probably not. :twilightsheepish: Hehe. I haven't actually seen that movie in a long time, now I wanna watch it again... :unsuresweetie:

The line break is really tasteful. Blue and lavender, hmm? It's very good. As a part-time graphical designer, I approve.

Story proceeding well. Trixie and Twilight really make for excellent research partners, and I like the idea that Trixie has a good education in magic, which isn't so common for most unicorns. I also like how you fluctuate between first and third person for Trixie - the third person thing is her quirk and very defining for her (in fics that abandon it completely, she sounds like a completely different pony, not at all Trixie), while intermittently shifting to first makes her sound like she's making an effort to be a better pony. And it makes her seem more comfortable around Twilight. It's very good.

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I really appreciate the feedback, thank you Mooncalf! :twilightsmile: And thanks for staying along for the ride through each chapter so far, don't think I haven't noticed. :raritywink:

3498036 Hey. Good premise. Best ponies. What's not to like?

Snozzberries?
SH*TS GETTING SERIOUS!

Ahaha! I can't believe i didn't read this sooner!

Awesome line break!... i hope you don't mind, but i think i want to try something like that in the future for my own stories.. :scootangel:

can't wait for the next chapter! :yay:

3510310

Go right ahead, I'm glad everyone likes it so far! :twilightsmile:

Noticed another flicker in the corner of her eye...

Should be "Noticing another flicker." In any case, this is starting to get interesting.

Hmm, the original mirror has constellations that light up? This is starting to feel like Stargate. Or Sliders. That is AWESOME.

The other Equestria here isn't too different, which is actually a good way to start - shows that things are different but without having a clear threat to deal with. Kinda like the first episode of Sliders, where the protagonist ended up in a place where red traffic lights meant go and green meant stop. Shows that it's Other.

That said, an Equestria where everypony has their races shifted would be really interesting. Same personalities and same occupations (presumably), but they'd approach things differently because of the changed race. (A bit like On a Cross And Arrow, where everyone is gender-flipped but still themselves.) So I take it in this Equestria, the unicorns (Twilight, Trixie, Vinyl and Rarity) are (or were) earth ponies, the earth ponies (Pinkie, AJ, Octavia, Redheart) are pegasi, and the pegasi (RD, Fluttershy) are unicorns?

Why can I only upvote a story once? :moustache:

And I've probably said it before, but Twilight and Trixie make an awesome team when they work together.

3530819
Nice catch, thanks. :twilightsmile: I'm currently running without an editor, so combing all of these odds and ends out is a little tricky.

3531103

Hmm, the original mirror has constellations that light up?

Trixie's mirror does, yes. The original one has gems that simply shift color when it goes dormant during the 30-moon recharge cycle.

So I take it in this Equestria, the unicorns (Twilight, Trixie, Vinyl and Rarity) are (or were) earth ponies, the earth ponies (Pinkie, AJ, Octavia, Redheart) are pegasi, and the pegasi (RD, Fluttershy) are unicorns?

You assume correctly! :raritywink: There was actually supposed to be a short cameo by a certain mailmare as a unicorn, but I forgot to throw it in. I'll probably edit the chapter a bit today and add in the 'deleted scenes' (i.e. stuff I forgot to add xD). Update: And so I did! :pinkiehappy:

Why can I only upvote a story once? :moustache:

Well, you could always recommend it to your friends? :raritywink:

I've been working on a rewrite of the story's description, it's just time to revise it, I think. The one up there now was based on the raw proto-idea I had for the story when I first submitted it, and I hadn't fleshed it out as fully as I have now.

So, expect that to change soon, I hope. :twilightsmile:

I've only gone through like 7 attempted rewrites so far after all... :facehoof:

Update: Success at last! The new story description is live! :trixieshiftleft: Thoughts?

So, Sliders with Ponies, eh? I like it! :pinkiehappy:
Though hopefully it goes better then the original show did. :derpyderp1:

"Gateway of the Stars" would only work if Twi makes an Embarkation Room for it.

Im not a doctor who fan, and even I know he says Allons-y, not geronimo.
Right?

Sweet development. This is quickly shaping up to become one of my favorites, I can tell. Nice explanation for why only Twilight and Trixie can use the gate (better than "because Celestia says only Twilight can do this" as in EqG), and leaving the option open for the others to join in later. The general premise of the story, and the motivation of the characters, is established, although I'm expecting things to change some ways down the line. Good, good.

When I read the first scene, I was half expecting the returning duo to be other-world Twilight and Trixie (the ones who were or had been earth ponies), thus kicking off a massively confusing mixup.

It's very touching to see the other Manes willing to give Trixie another chance so freely. So many stories have them despise Trixie completely, at least until she proves herself with some elaborate gesture of heroism, kindness and/or sacrifice to show that she's not in fact Pony Satan. I don't like that, and not only because it's getting to be a tedious cliche, but because the protagonists, for all their natural flaws, are supposed to be good ponies. Here, Twilight's vouched for Trixie, and they trust her judgement. (And nice to see Dashie be the first. She's usually the most stubborn in those fanfics.)

Any inspiration for the adventure outfits? I'm having a little difficulty imagining it, I must say. I did find a vector of Trixie in a pith helmet, though, and she looks adorable. Also, I learned from the webcomic "Casey and Andy" that it's a good idea to bring gems or other generally valuable things when time/dimension-traveling in case you go somewhere where your money isn't legal. Of course, they shouldn't do that quite yet, because as it stands now, you have the opportunity for plots where they can't pay with their own money and has to get into shady dealings/treasure hunting/pod racing to get by. You know, in case it comes up.

Also, Ultima reference. Hee. I love those games.

Incidentally, the prior chapter's depiction of a race-swapped Ponyville inspired me to start an AU story where the ponies all have their races and roles swapped around. Basically a retelling of the canon story, but with everypony filling new roles while retaining most of their original personality. In other words, Rainbow Dash as the student, Fluttershy as the party pony, etc. Wish me luck.

3590938 Well, the Tenth Doctor did. And he was the best. So, yeah.

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It's the 11th actually that says Geronimo. Allons-y was the 10th's thing. I know most people think Time Turner/Doctor Whooves is based on the 10th, buuut can you imagine Twilight saying Allons-y? Me neither. :applejackunsure:

TL;DR: Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey! :twilightsheepish:

3591344
Thanks for the kind feedback! :twilightsmile:
I can't say I'd planned that far ahead yet, but the points you bring up gave me some food for thought. :3

Any inspiration for the adventure outfits?

Unfortunately I couldn't find a single decent picture of Twilight or Trixie in an 'adventurer's outfit' that wasn't anthro or something, so I had to make it up completely. I was thinking kind of a desert traveller look when I started, but to be honest I'm not very fashionable so describing clothes like this was a serious challenge for me. :twilightblush:

The point of the outfit, in Rarity's mind, was to give them something that would hide who they were so they wouldn't get in trouble with being doubles, but also give them something rugged enough for field exploration. The hoods were somewhat inspired by assassin's creed; spacious enough to cover their manes and hide their horns, then coming down to a point right between their eyes. It's not stated in this chapter (it was going to be explained in the next), but Twilight's version has holes for her wings. Other ponies would identify her as a pegasus from a distance, but not realize she's an alicorn with her horn hidden.

I did find this picture after I wrote it up which actually looks a lot like what I had in mind with the mask/scarf (though what rarity designed isn't a ninja cowl), minus the holes: Ninja Pinkie

Still, it'd be awesome if someone got inspired by this chapter and decided to draw the two in their adventuring gear. :3


Side note, I updated the story's long description last night, too. :yay:

3591419
Meh, as i said, I never watched doctor who.
Oh well then, thanks for the info!

I've been following this for a while now, but haven't favorited it for some reason. Issue resolved.

I've been very entertained with the adventure hooks, especially this latest development. I'm looking forward to :trixieshiftleft: and :twilightsmile: searching through these different worlds for their magic.

Characterization is good and the premise is exciting. Keep at it!

3591419 Placed a recommendation for this story on TVTropes. Hopefully it'll score a few extra hits.

I like where this story is going, but the premise does seem a little like 'Sweetie Belle Chronicles: Fragments' where Sweetie Belle must travel between dimensions looking for fragments of Twilight Sparkle.

Nothing wrong with that though. That was an awesome story & 'Parallel Dimensions of Equestria' is a great story concept, but I am curious about one thing. In that Sweetie Belle story, most of the dimensions she visited were based off of a popular FIM story such as 'On a Cross & Arrow', 'Fallout Equestria', & 'The Best Night Ever'.

Is that the idea here too?

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Actually I hadn't even heard of that fic :rainbowhuh: There may be a cameo world or two, but for the most part the general idea is that each world has one major change over normal equestria. A theme of 'one step removed', where there's one major focal point making each reality different.

That said, lore-ing out a dozen or more alternate realities is a little tricky, so having a pit-stop in the world of another fic isn't outside the realm of possibility. ^.^'

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You're welcome! I appreciate that you keep coming back for more! :twilightsmile:

Gate of Stars?
Moongate?
Ah... Stargate.

3593444
Hehehe I was wondering when someone would catch the joke there! :raritywink: And 'Moongate' is a reference to Ultima. :twistnerd:

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I like Stargate (SG 1 and Atlantis, I haven't got to Universe yet). BTW do you know any good Stargate crossovers on this site?

3593467
I really loved Stargate: Equestria, but it's not posted on fimfics for some reason. Found it through EQD back about the time I found my way to Hard Reset via them. That's what got me into MLP fanfics (and fanfics in general) in the first place, was those two stories. :rainbowkiss:

Here's the link on their site: EQD - Stargate Equestria -- There was a sequel in the works, but it seems to be dead in the water now. :fluttercry:

This is Midnight Rambler to Frission, transmitting from WRITE's secret headquarters in the frozen north darkest Africa the Ottoman Empire a very secret place.

The following is a fragment from The Lion King.

Oh man. I mean, wow. Mufasa's ghost is awesome. "YOU ARE MY SON, AND THE ONE TRUE KING. REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE... REMEMBER... REMEMBER..." Hell yeah, James Earl Jones!

However, right after that, we get the most cringeworthy moment of the whole film: this exchange between Simba and Rafiki.

RAFIKI: What was that! The weather... very peculiar. Don't you think?
SIMBA: Yeah. Looks like the winds are changing.
RAFIKI: Ah... change is good.
SIMBA: Yeah, but it's not easy. I know what I have to do, but... going back means I'll have to face my past. I've been running from it for so long...

The problem with these lines is that they break the "Show, Don't Tell" rule. Now, Show Don't Tell isn't an iron law (outside of spelling and grammar, nothing is, when it comes to writing fiction) but "telling" in dialogue is almost always a bad idea. It's not very believable or engaging to have characters flat-out state their feelings, let alone to have them wax psychological about their fears and doubts.

The reason I'm bringing up The Lion King is that your story has the same problem in some places, and the topic is remarkably similar.

But here she was, ready to face her fears and confront the worst part of her past once and for all.

Her stage persona had always been her most powerful tool for pushing through her fears and anxiety, but she realized that the last thing anypony wanted to hear was the haughty, self-centered third-person of ‘The Great and Powerful Trixie.’ It may have always been her mind’s escape from second guessing herself, but when she had started letting herself get carried away with the act, it had gotten her in the very trouble she found herself ready to make amends for now.

Trixie took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. This was the hardest question for her to answer, and she didn’t want to sound as self-centered about it as she used to. “Well, I suppose I just felt that I had to face up to the past so I can finally put it behind me. Plus, my reputation has been in shambles since the first time we met, and it just got worse when I tried to get… revenge… last time…”

It should be possible to find a more subtle way to let readers know what Trixie is thinking and feeling.

Speaking of Trixie, she isn't characterised very consistently, either. One moment she's humble and sad, the next she's her old haughty self. Her initial outburst after Spike calls her a changeling is believable enough; of course, it was hard for her to return to Ponyville to make amends, and now her courage is met with hostility and suspicion. But after that, she switches back and forth several times for far less clear reasons.

You also have show vs. tell issues when it comes to describing what actually happens in the story. Take a sentence like this:

As the concert ended and the crowd dispersed, a conversation about what they’d just heard was struck up between the three girls and dragon.

It would be more lively and engaging to replace that with a few lines of actual dialogue: show us how their conversation starts, don't just tell us that "they started talking about it." There are a few more places in the story where this crops up, but this is one of the clearer examples.

The scene it's from, however, could be cut out entirely. It's obvious – especially from the YouTube link and the characters' gushing – that the whole concert thing is just there because you like that kind of music. It feels very shoehorned in. Just like I couldn't resist gushing about James Earl Jones's booming voice before discussing my Lion King example, you couldn't resist having Rainbow Dash and Rarity talk about how awesome this is. And just like the awesomeness of James Earl Jones isn't relevant to my review of your story, the concert scene serves no actual story purpose.

I like the pacing in the first few chapters: you take your time instead of rushing straight to the juicy parts (as many overeager writers do). In chapter 3, though, we get this:

“Huh? Oh, sorry Trixie, I guess we should get back.”

“Twilight… Perhaps… Trixie should stay.” Trixie shuffled her hooves and looked away, back toward the ponies going this way and that around the town.

“Wait, what?”

"Wait, what?" indeed. Twilight quickly and effortlessly finds a way back home, making the whole "oh noes Twilight and Trixie are gone and can't get back to their own world" conflict a red herring. That's fine (as long as it's soon followed by some actual conflict), but Trixie's wish to stay in weird-race-flipped-Equestria comes very suddenly. Leaving your entire world, including everypony you've ever known, behind and starting over in a completely foreign universe? I get that Trixie has been brooding over her past, but such a drastic decision needs much more buildup. Otherwise, it's not very dramatically effective and may come across as contrived.

The fact that Twilight so easily talks Trixie out of it doesn't help, either. Trixie makes big decisions on a whim and then abandons them just as quickly – or at least that's how she comes across right now. Maybe that's intentional, but in that case I think you need to show this aspect of her character more clearly and consistently.

This story's strongest point is its original premise: Twilight experiments on the portal mirror from Equestria Girls and creates a bunch of portals to parallel worlds. This also has its pitfalls, however: especially in the chapters 3 and 4, there are lots of complicated explanations and descriptions of what exactly goes on in Twilight's basement (okay, that sounded wrong). I found most of those very hard to follow, let alone visualise. Worse, they come dangerously close to being boring, which is the one thing you want to avoid at all costs when writing a story. Try to reveal your headcanon more gradually and in clearer terms.

The purely mechanical aspects of the story (grammar, spelling, punctuation) are flawless as far as I can tell; good job on that.

One more thing: it doesn't seem to be a recurring issue, but this sentence jumped out at me.

‘I would certainly deserve it…’ she considered despondently.

This is the kind of unnecessary fluff you need to be on your guard against. "Considered" instead of "thought" is clunky and needlessly flowery. "Despondently" is redundant (Trixie's despondent state is already obvious from what she is thinking) and again needlessly flowery.

Anyway, let's wrap things up: this is a mostly competently written story with an original premise. However, you need to be careful not to let the premise overtake the plot. The pacing is good except for that one "I think I'll stay here" moment. The show vs. tell issues are probably the biggest problem, and the first thing I'd advise you to work on.

Signing off,

Midnight Rambler, WRITE's Flying Dutchman

3636794
*blink blink* holy balls. :twilightoops:

3637546 Are those good balls or bad balls?

3637555
To quote a very wise GIR: "I... don't... knoooowwwww...." :pinkiecrazy:

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