- Member Since 20th Sep, 2013
- offline last seen May 14th, 2023
TheTobacconist
...can I even call myself this if I quit smoking years ago?
TheTobacconist
Joined 20th Sep, 2013 ·
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Oh shit.
3418198
Oh shit, indeed.
3418200
Imagination is a powerful thing, aye?
3418202
Especially when you're a unicorn.
3418207
Indeed.
You're like the next Stephen King
another entertaining story!
3418242
I'm not much like Stephen King. My alcoholism only lasted for half a year.
3418255
Mine lasted for a few years after my SO died. It happens. But if you can rise above it, take it and turn it into the impetus to create something from nothing... that's what matters.
Charming little story you've got here; I liked it. A little piece of constructive criticism, tough, if you'll have it: please try to use varying words to begin your sentences. I saw a lot of sentences started with words like 'the', 'Rarity', 'she', or other pronouns of the like, and it can get redundant and boring very quickly if almost every single sentence begins with those same words. The length of this story was about the longest I would be willing to put up with that. A good way of clearing that up would be to start a sentence with a verb every couple of sentences as opposed to a noun or pronoun.
Still though, nice story, and you've earned a like from me.
Keep being awesome,
Lego
I feel obliged to post this image.
sites.psu.edu/reshmajblog/files/2013/04/spongebob-imagination.jpg
3418290
Yeah, I understand that. I wish I didn't, but I do. I joke about how I was an alcoholic a lot, but that's just part of how I get over things.
3418298
Rest knowing that I will not take offense to this, and I will meditate on it rather than blindly calling you terrible names.
3418517 I couldn't have hoped for better. You have yourself a good (day/night/evening), and I wish you the best in your future endeavors
.
3418534
Aye, same to you.
Could be worse, this was just Sweetie playing pretend.
What if she had decided to be creative instead?
3418860
...
...
3418304
I've been debating on how to reply to this for like the past four hours. I wanted to reply with something witty, and poignant, but perhaps with a hint of meta humor. I wanted my reply to reflect a deep intellect, and be emotionally fulfilling.
Nice pic.
Even before I actually read this little story I decided to, just based on the title and description, post this picture. I swore this to the Dust Bunny Kingdom under my bed and my building pre-exam panic attacks.
imgs.xkcd.com/comics/floor.png
Thus, the Dust Bunnies have been satisfied. My panic isn't, but still...
Nice little story, well-written and perfect for a short chuckle.
I liked it a lot right up until the ending, but that last line just doesn't feel strong enough to me. I was left feeling flat, which was weird because the rest of it was anything but. It needs to finish with more punch.
My thoughts for improvement:
- Try taking out all mention of Rarity's reaction from the paragraph where you describe the now lava-filled room (2nd big one from the bottom). The sudden depiction of just the stark details will hit home more.
- Sweetie's ending line needs more oomph. We already know/could guess it's an accident, and that's a rather stock explanation in the first place.
- The whole payoff of "floor is lava!" is flatter because Rarity is only surprised for about 2 sentences before moving on to being mad. I'd find a better reaction than an angered "what did you do?" Isn't she concerned that the CMC (and her sister!) are stranded on a (burning?) countertop in a pool of scorching lava? Isn't she freaked out that she's suddenly a few inches from scorching fiery death? I think mad is the least interesting response she could have had.
- Is the lava confined to this floor or is it spilling out the back door? Did the CMC actually stay on the (burning?) counter, or did they have to bail to the light fixture on the ceiling or some other crazy place? Given it's a comedy, I think this setup demands you have more fun with the details of the payoff.
In short: needs moar wat.
3421104
I will give consideration to your thoughts.
3421104
Alright, I've given it some thought.
- Try taking out all mention of Rarity's reaction from the paragraph where you describe the now lava-filled room (2nd big one from the bottom). The sudden depiction of just the stark details will hit home more.
This is a very valid point.
- Sweetie's ending line needs more oomph. We already know/could guess it's an accident, and that's a rather stock explanation in the first place.
I think I want to keep the phrasing the same, but I agree that it needs a little more.
- The whole payoff of "floor is lava!" is flatter because Rarity is only surprised for about 2 sentences before moving on to being mad. I'd find a better reaction than an angered "what did you do?" Isn't she concerned that the CMC (and her sister!) are stranded on a (burning?) countertop in a pool of scorching lava? Isn't she freaked out that she's suddenly a few inches from scorching fiery death? I think mad is the least interesting response she could have had.
I wanted a little chuckle from how Rarity completely misses the severity of the situation. I'll see what I can come up with.
- Is the lava confined to this floor or is it spilling out the back door? Did the CMC actually stay on the (burning?) counter, or did they have to bail to the light fixture on the ceiling or some other crazy place? Given it's a comedy, I think this setup demands you have more fun with the details of the payoff.
They're still huddled on the counter. The lava does not work like actually lava, but like the way a filly would imagine lava to work.
3421245
That... actually makes complete sense now that I think of it, though it doesn't mean rule of funny can't come into play.
The thought crossed my mind, but it never really delivered. You have a bunch of room to play it up. This is Rarity we're talking about, after all. In a real crisis, even. Less clucking soccer mom, more High Queen on the warpath
3421471
There's nothing quite like the rule of funny.
3437400
Duly noted. I should have time to revise it later.
*Grins an applauds* nice.
Did sweetie belle do her first magic? Also>>3418200, just askin but where do ya live?
3514343
Chattanooga, basically.
you don't add the word anal in stories for everyone!
Sad thing is, I can actually see this happening in a CMC episode. Granted, after secretly raiding Twilight's library in an attempt to find a spell to make things more "fun", but still.
The last Friends Forever comic as of this writing (Applejack/Mayor Mare) involves Sweetie Belle, a cornucopia, and random ponies being turned into fruit.
So yes. Perfectly reasonable.
Great ending!
Reminds me of "It's Possible" from Seussical, probably mostly because I performed in it when I was in 8th grade.
Thanks for a laugh and some happy nostalgia!
3713378
No you're not allowed to touch the suitcases.
Excuse me but what???
11507754
It's an informal use of the phrase anal-retentive, and it does have its own history that's worth looking up, but somehow it became a more socially acceptable way of saying that someone has a stick up their ass.