What Did You Do To My Kitchen
"So, basically this is an excuse to climb on the furniture?" Sweetie Belle guessed. She was familiar with the game, but expected a stern scolding from her sister for the premise. "As in hooves on the table?" She looked at her friends as they climbed on top of the kitchen counter. "This seems like a bad idea."
"C'mon," Apple Bloom extended her hoof. "The floor is lava." She feigned worry. "You can't walk on lava."
Sweetie Belle looked at the floor. "It seems normal to me."
"But it's lava!" Scootaloo cried, and flailed around her hooves for emphasis. "Lava!" She looked down at Sweetie Belle. Sweetie Belle looked up at her with a quizzical expression. "Just pretend," Scootaloo sighed.
"But Rarity is so anal about this sort of thing," Sweetie Belle sqeaked. There was no reasoning with her sister as far as neatness was concerned. "She'll have my head if anything happens." Sweetie Belle looked down at the floor, which was most definitely not lava. It could not possibly be lava, it was a floor. Floors could not be lava. "This is silly anyway." Sweetie Belle decided, and turned her nose up at the idea.
"That's a pretty good impersonation of your sister." Scootaloo rolled around the counter. "But that's no reason not to have a little fun." She smiled, resting her head on her hooves. "So, just pretend."
Pretend? Sweetie Belle supposed that she could do that. She had never gotten into trouble by just pretending. Nothing bad had ever come of it. She closed her eyes, and concentrated on the mental image of molten rock. "The floor is lava," She muttered to herself.
Apple Bloom pulled her up on top of the counter. Sweetie Belle sat beside them, and thought to herself.
"The floor is lava," She repeated her mantra, "The floor is lava."
In her workshop, Rarity was quite busy. Or rather, she had been busy for quite sometime. She examined the tasteful coat on her table, and considered the work before her. It only required one final button on the right sleeve. She sighed to herself, working buttons on coat sleeves were borderline useless, but she always filled out her customers' requests. Even when she did not agree with them. She considered the burnt smell that now pervaded the room, but ignored it. Sweetie Belle was probably trying to show off her cooking skills, and Rarity wanted nothing to do with that.
She used her machine to sew a small thin box that marked the edges of the button hole. She held the sleeve to the light to ensure that the box was in the proper location, and smiled to herself. She set the sleeve down again, and made a small long incision in the box. She waxed her cotton thread, and raised the needle to eye level. She bit her tongue in concentration, and closed one eye. She missed the eye of the needle, and the thread bunched up against the base of the eye. She pulled the thread back, only more determined to complete her work.
"Rarity!" She heard her sister scream. "The floor is lava!" Her screams grew louder. "Lava!"
"I can't play now Sweetie," Rarity called back to her, and set the coat sleeve down, "I'm a little busy." She looked back, only to realize that she had misplaced her needle. She hopped to the ground and began looking underneath the table. Another scream from Sweetie Belle caused Rarity to slam her head on the underside of the table.
"I'm working!" Rarity screamed more harshly than she intended. She rubbed the back of her head, and picked up the needle that was just by the table leg. "Aha!" She yelled triumphantly, only to drop it and slam her head on the underside of the table again when Sweetie screamed. Rarity clenched her teeth, partially from pain, and partially from rage. "Sweetie Belle." She fumed.
"I'm not joking!" Sweetie Belle's cries grew louder.
"She's not!" Apple Bloom's crying joined in. "She really isn't!"
"Please, help." Scootaloo called weakly. "We can't get out."
Rarity clenched her teeth, and her eye twitched. She stood up slowly, being careful to avoid the edge of the table. She rubbed the sore knots on her head, and winced. Her eye twitched again, and she set the needle back into her pincushion. They would be having words soon. Yes, there would be words. She would give them such a scolding when she got in there. "Coming." Rarity called menacingly through clenched teeth.
She trotted the doorway of the kitchen, and viewed the interior. Her face fell as she looked across the kitchen. The table and chairs were mere smoking cinders. The curtains burned in the heat. The tasteful tapestry on the wall was ruined. The clock's face was nothing but melted plastic. The wallpaper had peeled off, and the edges of it burned. The ceiling tile were black with soot. She cringed at the smoke that filled the room. The panes of glass in the windows twisted in their frames. But the floor was-
"Lava!" Rarity screamed. She looked at the fillies huddled on the counter. "How did this happen?" She glared at Sweetie Belle. Her eyes burned with rage, and she lost all semblance of calm demeanor. "What did you do to my kitchen!" She nearly stomped on the ground, but chose to keep her hooves off the floor. "What did you do?"
"It was an accident," Sweetie Belle squeaked.
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Oh shit.
3418198
Oh shit, indeed.
3418200
Imagination is a powerful thing, aye?
3418202
Especially when you're a unicorn.
3418207
Indeed.
You're like the next Stephen King
another entertaining story!
3418242
I'm not much like Stephen King. My alcoholism only lasted for half a year.
3418255
Mine lasted for a few years after my SO died. It happens. But if you can rise above it, take it and turn it into the impetus to create something from nothing... that's what matters.
Charming little story you've got here; I liked it. A little piece of constructive criticism, tough, if you'll have it: please try to use varying words to begin your sentences. I saw a lot of sentences started with words like 'the', 'Rarity', 'she', or other pronouns of the like, and it can get redundant and boring very quickly if almost every single sentence begins with those same words. The length of this story was about the longest I would be willing to put up with that. A good way of clearing that up would be to start a sentence with a verb every couple of sentences as opposed to a noun or pronoun.
Still though, nice story, and you've earned a like from me.
Keep being awesome,
Lego
I feel obliged to post this image.
sites.psu.edu/reshmajblog/files/2013/04/spongebob-imagination.jpg
3418290
Yeah, I understand that. I wish I didn't, but I do. I joke about how I was an alcoholic a lot, but that's just part of how I get over things.
3418298
Rest knowing that I will not take offense to this, and I will meditate on it rather than blindly calling you terrible names.
3418517 I couldn't have hoped for better. You have yourself a good (day/night/evening), and I wish you the best in your future endeavors
.
3418534
Aye, same to you.
Could be worse, this was just Sweetie playing pretend.
What if she had decided to be creative instead?
3418860
...
...
3418304
I've been debating on how to reply to this for like the past four hours. I wanted to reply with something witty, and poignant, but perhaps with a hint of meta humor. I wanted my reply to reflect a deep intellect, and be emotionally fulfilling.
Nice pic.
Even before I actually read this little story I decided to, just based on the title and description, post this picture. I swore this to the Dust Bunny Kingdom under my bed and my building pre-exam panic attacks.
imgs.xkcd.com/comics/floor.png
Thus, the Dust Bunnies have been satisfied. My panic isn't, but still...
Nice little story, well-written and perfect for a short chuckle.
I liked it a lot right up until the ending, but that last line just doesn't feel strong enough to me. I was left feeling flat, which was weird because the rest of it was anything but. It needs to finish with more punch.
My thoughts for improvement:
- Try taking out all mention of Rarity's reaction from the paragraph where you describe the now lava-filled room (2nd big one from the bottom). The sudden depiction of just the stark details will hit home more.
- Sweetie's ending line needs more oomph. We already know/could guess it's an accident, and that's a rather stock explanation in the first place.
- The whole payoff of "floor is lava!" is flatter because Rarity is only surprised for about 2 sentences before moving on to being mad. I'd find a better reaction than an angered "what did you do?" Isn't she concerned that the CMC (and her sister!) are stranded on a (burning?) countertop in a pool of scorching lava? Isn't she freaked out that she's suddenly a few inches from scorching fiery death? I think mad is the least interesting response she could have had.
- Is the lava confined to this floor or is it spilling out the back door? Did the CMC actually stay on the (burning?) counter, or did they have to bail to the light fixture on the ceiling or some other crazy place? Given it's a comedy, I think this setup demands you have more fun with the details of the payoff.
In short: needs moar wat.
3421104
I will give consideration to your thoughts.
3421104
Alright, I've given it some thought.
- Try taking out all mention of Rarity's reaction from the paragraph where you describe the now lava-filled room (2nd big one from the bottom). The sudden depiction of just the stark details will hit home more.
This is a very valid point.
- Sweetie's ending line needs more oomph. We already know/could guess it's an accident, and that's a rather stock explanation in the first place.
I think I want to keep the phrasing the same, but I agree that it needs a little more.
- The whole payoff of "floor is lava!" is flatter because Rarity is only surprised for about 2 sentences before moving on to being mad. I'd find a better reaction than an angered "what did you do?" Isn't she concerned that the CMC (and her sister!) are stranded on a (burning?) countertop in a pool of scorching lava? Isn't she freaked out that she's suddenly a few inches from scorching fiery death? I think mad is the least interesting response she could have had.
I wanted a little chuckle from how Rarity completely misses the severity of the situation. I'll see what I can come up with.
- Is the lava confined to this floor or is it spilling out the back door? Did the CMC actually stay on the (burning?) counter, or did they have to bail to the light fixture on the ceiling or some other crazy place? Given it's a comedy, I think this setup demands you have more fun with the details of the payoff.
They're still huddled on the counter. The lava does not work like actually lava, but like the way a filly would imagine lava to work.
3421245
That... actually makes complete sense now that I think of it, though it doesn't mean rule of funny can't come into play.
The thought crossed my mind, but it never really delivered. You have a bunch of room to play it up. This is Rarity we're talking about, after all. In a real crisis, even. Less clucking soccer mom, more High Queen on the warpath
3421471
There's nothing quite like the rule of funny.
3437400
Duly noted. I should have time to revise it later.
*Grins an applauds* nice.
Did sweetie belle do her first magic? Also>>3418200, just askin but where do ya live?
3514343
Chattanooga, basically.
you don't add the word anal in stories for everyone!
Sad thing is, I can actually see this happening in a CMC episode. Granted, after secretly raiding Twilight's library in an attempt to find a spell to make things more "fun", but still.
The last Friends Forever comic as of this writing (Applejack/Mayor Mare) involves Sweetie Belle, a cornucopia, and random ponies being turned into fruit.
So yes. Perfectly reasonable.
Great ending!
Reminds me of "It's Possible" from Seussical, probably mostly because I performed in it when I was in 8th grade.
Thanks for a laugh and some happy nostalgia!
3713378
No you're not allowed to touch the suitcases.
Excuse me but what???
11507754
It's an informal use of the phrase anal-retentive, and it does have its own history that's worth looking up, but somehow it became a more socially acceptable way of saying that someone has a stick up their ass.