Firestorm162
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Sorry everyone but people didn't seem to like it so I rewrote it.
2972415
The reason people didn't like it is because the spelling and grammar was an abomination. And in this rewritten story it is still absolutely terrible and looks like it was written by a drunk 6 year old.
I apologize if the grammar sucked but it really is not my strongest subject
You really need an editor
1. where did you get the idea that shinning would to something like this? how does that even make sense?!
I'm terrible at writing myself, but I'll try to point out some of the blatant mistakes that are must-fixes.
-The title is misspelt, it should be 'Scandal'. Most people will see the error in the story's title and instantly skip over it, your title/synopsis need to give a good first impression. Spelling mistakes detract from that.
-You have massive run-on sentences. Try to limit each sentence to one thing, whether it be describing one interaction, or spoken words, keep it at one thing. If you find it difficult to gauge read the sentence aloud, feel how it sounds.
-Formatting. You should start a new paragraph, or at least have a line break whenever the speaker changes. It makes the story easier to read.
The are many more mistakes I don't have time to explain, but try fixing these three. They will help ease the eyesore this writing currently is.
Your title is misspelled, and it just goes downhill from there. Please, for the love of tiny marshmallow horses, get an editor.
I'm speaking to the choir here, but my goodness, you need an editor. Not to mention that some things need to be confirmed.....or at the very least, made clear. There is a bit of story here, but it just right now looks like a bunch of ideas just smootched together.
Apart from the general mistakes mentioned by Just Reading please use typographic quotation marks “” and use the spaces around them rigiht not like“ this ”
An apostrophe looks like this ’ btw.
And thoughts shouldn’t be quoted since they’re not spoken out loud.
i like the plot... but it's a little too fast-paced, and i know a lot of people have already said this, but you really need an editor
The crustal empire, huh?
I just realized I spelt Crystal Crustsl I feel ashamed to call myself a brony and I spelt my favorite Equestrian kingdom wrong.
img.pokemondb.net/artwork/crustle.jpg
3000693
I like that image just gave me an idea
3001508
If it's for another story, please, for the love of everything holy, don't do it.
3001525
Hehehehe prepare yourselves Equestria for Crestation Empire is coming for you all.
3001561
I don't think you really have a grasp on the knowledge of what I posted.
3001603
Oh I know what you posted I just don't care, it's your own opinion
3020630
I wrote this vary vary poorly I understand that, I even became one of the dislikes but it was my first attempt and I plan on getting better
Dafuq was this?
Ok now i got the big jerk comment out the way here's what I truly think.
Your storyling had a great premise but the writing really let it down.
1. Grammar and spelling, I mean seriously mate, sign up to googledocs and star writing on there, it's got a spellchecker.
2. This honestly reads to me like a first draft of what someone would write before posting.
3. Shining armour cheating, going on a violent rampage and then peacfully accepting a divorce? wouldn't happen, just no.
4. Seriously at least get a pre-reader if not editor.
Sorry if these comments come across as a bit harsh, but I hate it when a read a something and can see SO much potential that could be in the story.
3314608 I understand completely however I forgot to add something and I don't want to add it in because I feel like an idiot not adding it in besides my other stories are much better, and while I'm talking about this story I really hate this story.
2973500 I was thinking through my mind and since in real life I specialize in writing grizzly and violent individuals I figured why not make him go violent.
3839404 good job on this one
3892852 Thanks.
Why do people be hating on your sweg?
3934332 No clue Love, I can't blame people for not liking my style of writing, through grizzly characters and things I've witnessed in real life. If you don't like the way I write or how I write the characters, then don't read it. That's just my two cents, but in truth I don't know why ponies don't like my stuff, as long as some ponies like it and I'm happy with my stories, that's alright with me.
...Nope nope nope nope nope.
*shoots off on a rocket*
3975433 Reads Shining armor having sex with two other stallions
4073133 And one crystal pony mare.
Numerous spelling errors.
Short Chapters
Out of Character
A plot that is just bare bones.
sex just for the sake of sex.
try looking at other stories, see their strengths and weaknesses, and try again..
the idea is solid, give it the story it deserves..
What kind of sin against nature is this?
No Spoiler button?, really? now i got to make my own funky spoiler
{Spoiler contains rather lots of reasoning and mating phenomenons; if you dont want to see dont look below XD, and not my fault since spoilers dont work with no button for the post XD}
no warning all i saw was 'dick in shining ass' and that spelling is bad, even my start of my story wasn't that bad and i was high XD. Anyway a few flaws
logically shining would get kicked out and the guards would easily lock him up, and celestia might send him to the moon for abit which sadly never happend
also how can shining have a mare and two stallions at the same time?, i get the stallion have his ass and mouth but how he get on the mare? when two stallions are ontop of him?, he would have to be a tank to take the weight and be ontop of the mare at the same time
also
You had spelling errors, and the chapters were short, but I loved it!!!
I don't really care anymore if stories have spelling errors or not. I read and like them anyway. Have my thumbs up.
4286809 As much as I enjoy the occasional dark fic here and there, I have to agree.
Ok first I like the story on concept.....
That said it was way to short and felt rushed. The brake down of the marriage should have been more drawn out and dramatic, the incident in the bed room with Celestia and Luna and Twilight walking in on them should have had a dubble lead up giving the reader twilight's internal turmoil and the princest sex seen to before twilight walked in.
Also the 3 guys and one mare was over doing it just catching him with a hooked or a guy would have ended that marriage. Hell you could have gone for a real hay makers and had him in bed with Cyrsaless and a pair of drones looking like his sister.
5190945 hehe. Yeah, i wasn't thinking strait when I wrote this. I'd honestly considered rewriting it, but I honestly don't see a point. I got to many other projects I need to finish.
5191833 it be really good redone
It's an interesting idea, but the characterization for Shining Armor feels off which makes it harder to get invested in the story. The emotion carried over through the dialogue though.
not that this is bad but well its just too short
5915024 I'm planing on remaking it
5916511
I hope so, because this needs development and an editor
I am sorry sir, but I can not in good conscience give this story a like. I like the premise, but the spelling it atrocious.
6757708 is, not it.
6757710 I'm actually personally ashamed of this story. So honestly I agree with you.
Spelling could be better but other than that it's interesting to say the most
6760877 this is like my work bare bones flexible structure super fast paced third person and no elaberation at all. awsome if you'd like to see what i mean check out my story
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/348085/the-revolution-of-equestria
7841551 hate to break it to you, but that kind of story is pretty rubbish in most scenarios. No details and rushed storyline is not a good thing.