You are in your room when a you get an odd text
[A/N: first second person story and first transformation story sorry if it sucks]
Chapters (1)
Zauber Junge
Joined 23rd Jan, 2012 ·
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That was pretty cool, we'll done! :D You should really make the transformation more dramatic though. Sense this is a first person story you really have to put your reader through all the emotions like with every change you gotta go into detail on how you're feeling like when sprouting wings explain each sensation down to each and every feather emerging from skin that didn't seem to belong to you yet each one brought a new sense of pride and joy... See and just like that this story will become 20% cooler :D
2810148 I see where your coming from. Time to do a gigantic over hall...later My mind is sapped at the moment.
2810156 Haha "sapped"
good luck with that
Goddamn it, looks like I am on Reddit again.
This section feels like it could use more elaboration.
This could just be a pet peeve of mine, but do not use "suddenly". It never really feels sudden. Try and use other words, spread out the sentence a bit, you're rushing yourself.
This felt very rushed and forced. Slow down, the reader isn't even able to get the feeling of knowing "themselves" before you make them Rainbow Dash. Also, this fic seems more like Rainbow Dash in Equestria. You just supplanted the main characters personality and memories with Rainbow Dash's. So, unless there is going to be some sort of contention where the human memories and personality begin to resurface, you might as well just write a story about the reader being Rainbow. Or, the reader waking up in the morning remembering a life that isn't real, which would be more like Rainbow Dash in a human body.
Parting words; slow down, think where you want this to go. Have a clear idea where you are steering us, add the details.
2810187 I'm going to start a rewrite later on today, for now I nap, However Thanks for the critic of this. details have already popped in my head. I just have a hard time putting them onto something.
"CONGRATULATIONS... whoever gets this. You get to become Rainbow Dash!
~Discord"
For reasons I'm not going to explain, this is pretty normal for me.....
This was actually not half bad. Short and perhaps understated, but not bad.
Yet another "turning into Rainbow Dash" story?
I swear, one day, I'll wake up and find a creative story premise on Transformations.
I'm not a fan of 2nd person stories in general unless they're choose your own adventure story since they assume you'd be thinking a certain way. The fact that this is a 2nd person story is pretty much the only original thing about this story. I won't say that becoming RD wouldn't be awesome, but this has been done a lot and done better elsewhere.
2810204
It can be difficult. But try reading through a story that the community here has liked, see what that author has done, and maybe look for what needs shoring up in your story.
2811863 Thank you so much for the tips! Its really helping the rewrite! I can't thank you and anymore who game me critics.
2810365 Why thank you.
2812569
Well, you can start with a "thank you", but I get what you mean. Also, just a quick question, did you type your response on a phone?
2812604 Yes, Why do you ask?
2812612
Reread this sentence, you got autocorrected.
Also, for future note, a critic writes critiques of things.
2812701 CURSE YOU AUTOCORRECT!
im
honestly am speechless on this story................
Interesting story...
Not much else I can say about it... it's a pretty common concept, a human turning into Rainbow Dash, buuut still, it wasn't horribly written and it didn't go into this massively horrid storyline that made me hate it. it was just one chapter of: you are now Rainbow Dash. COPE WITH THE CIRCUMSTANCES.
Would've liked to see how or why Discord was turning humans into ponies ((or where he even got a phone for that matter...? Nevermind, he's Discord it wouldn't have made much sense anyways)) and his reaction afterwards, but hey, you did something and it worked for you. I def. liked it
Sir/Ma'am... I'm content. However, I would like to see more.
2826767 Oh how I want to do more but I can't think of how.
hmm interesting a different look at a pony tf
this is gonna sound weird but i would be so happy if this happened to me RD's life is so much better than my s***y life
you should do a sequel to this i like it
3018477 I am actualy, a Human to Anthro Rarity Fic.
well that was good, very descriptive, and was done just for its own sake. grand I tell you, grand
This was really good
Well, uhm, that ruined my liking for RD, pretty disturbing...
It's not a transformation if you just kill the human and put Rainbow Dash in the same spot he was in.
Jeez. That sort of makes ME want to receive that message! Well, sort of, anyway.
Yes. This story was horrific.
Horrific in the sense of frightening. While it was a bit rushed and I wasn't thrilled with every word choice, the brevity is made up to in spades by the sheer creepiness it invoked in me. Granted, I'm not a huge fan of mind change, but this was really well done. It wasn't the most immersive, but it still read well enough, although it ended up reading more like a 1st person narrative with the word 'you,' but I can't blame you, 2nd person is hard. I would honestly FREAK if I got a text at while reading this story and my phone vibrated (especially cuz it doesn't vibrate), and I feel bad for anyone who was unfortunate enough to get a text during that read.
The ending is really a bit harsh, because nothing is there to remind of her past humanity.
But I actually like that you included all the mental parts as well. The description of the physical ones really could've been longer, though, as well as the story as a whole, but I still liked it.
OH GOD WHY THIS IS SO FUCKED UP IM SCARRED FOR LIFE WHY thumbs up.
Transformation? Yeah.
Mind-wipe? Nay.
I'm not sure if I hate speed, me, first place in track and field. Hell yea. :3
I kind of feel bad for myself since reading this personally made me the main character of the story, but that's not the case. I don't turn back. :( Oh well, sh*t happens. :) Often.
Becoming rainbow dash: HELL YEA
Brain wash: NOPE
the only thing I would like about that is the super sonic speed
A white light flashes and you are whisked away. You sit up in your cloud bed in your cloud home in Equestria, ready to start your day as the awesome Rainbow Dash
Didn't like that part. I would prefer if it been like a copy of rainbow dash in a human world.
Liked the slow transformation. I would give a little bit more detail.
Not as dramatic but I loved it! I could almost close my eyes and imagine the whole thing in my head. I r8 8/8
I wanted to
Jump in the story and body slam his ass.
Hnnn
I WILL FIGHT IT!