• Published 10th May 2013
  • 13,284 Views, 104 Comments

Salt Lickers Anonymous - Lunaguy

  • ...

Salt Lickers Anonymous: The finger-lickin' good sequel

Summer in Equestria is no laughing matter. Every year, when the sun finally gets its kick back, it makes sure to give every ounce of that kick right up your ass. It might have something to do with your business suit, or the fact that you don't regularly exercise, or something logical like that, but you just like to pretend that Celestia herself is making you sweat as profusely as you do.

Pinkie bounces on the trail ahead of you, heading up the mountain trail with no effort whatsoever. You always regret going on these nature hikes with her, but somehow that smile always wins you over. Speaking of that smile, you can see it now. She's stopped to turn and check on you, not so much a matter of IF you've lagged behind, but HOW FAR you've lagged behind. She waits for you to catch up before speaking.

"You doin' ok, Nonny? You look pretty beat."

"Yeah, Pinkie, I-I'm fine."

You collapse on a nearby rock and remove your backpack, taking out a water bottle. You chug it down in practically one breath before dropping it back in the backpack and resuming panting.

Yeah, ok, the suit was going to have to come off, stylish as it is.

You unbutton your jacket and fold it up neatly, placing it inside your backpack. While you're at it, you take off your undershirt, packing that inside as well. Pinkie watches with interest as you remove your clothes.

"I've never seen you without your clothes on, Nonny. You look kinda silly."

"Yeah, well, you look 'kinda silly' with clothes ON."

Pinkie Pie giggles at the turnaround and sits down on her haunches next to you. She pokes a hoof at your chest and you swat it away.

"Come on, Pinkie, leave me alone. I have to catch my breath real quick."

"Why are you so wet, Nonny? Did you spill water on yourself?"

You raise an eyebrow in confusion before you realize she's talking about your sweat.

"Oh. No, that's just sweat. It's a thing humans do to keep cool. Ponies do it too, you've probably just never been overworked enough to experience it. What with your boundless energy."

You keep an eye on Pinkie as she nods to herself, accepting the answer. She glances down at her hoof and stares at it for a few moments in silence, obviously contemplating whether her next decision is a good one or not. Not that it matters, she's going to do it anyways. Slowly, she lifts her hoof up to her mouth and sticks out her tongue, giving it a lick. Her eyes widen in a mixture of surprise, fear, and sudden longing. She glances up and gives you a weird look. You shift uncomfortably.

"Is... something wrong? Do I taste funny?"

She whispers something inaudible under her breath.

"I'm sorry, what?"


It takes you a few moments to register the significance of salt, before you are reminded of your previous adventures with the white mineral. Pinkie is shaking now, obviously already feeling the need for more. She lifts up a hoof and points at you.

"Do you sweat salt?"

You stare back at her uneasily.


Her pupils shrink as her eyes widen, focusing on your bare skin. You shift off to the side, trying to dodge her gaze, but it follows you.

"Pinkie, please. You're freaking me out."

Pinkie takes a step forward, coming close to you. She leans in so that her muzzle is practically touching your nose. Suddenly her face drifts to the side and finds itself centered on your cheek. Her tongue flops out of her mouth and drags across your cheek, leaving behind a big wet spot as she laps up your sweat. She does this again and again, moving around your face and neck area to get the most salt.

"Pinkie, I don't feel comfortab-"

She gets up on her hind hooves and places her forehooves on your chest, pushing you off of the rock and onto the ground. You squirm underneath her earth pony strength as she pins you to the ground, now full on assaulting your chest with her tongue. Pinkie licks you up and down with fervor, making sure to get every inch of you that isn't covered by clothing.

As she suckles on your fingertips for the precious substance, you stare at her from the ground worriedly. As she finishes licking off the end of your hand, she sniffs around the rest of your body looking for more. Slowly, finding no more salt, she returns to her normal self. Her pupils return to normal size and her eyes slowly droop down to normal alertness levels. You push yourself off the ground and wave a hand in front of her, making sure she's ok.

"Ponka? Pooki? Pooti Poe. Hey. Pinkie! Are you alright?"

She turns to face you ever so slowly.

"I-I'm sorry, Nonny, it's just... I can't stay away from the salt."

You pull your undershirt back on, wrapping your arms around her in a hug.

"It's ok, Pinkie. Let's go back to Ponyville. Maybe you need to lie down in the hospital for a bit, make sure you didn't overdose or anything."

She nods in consent and you hoist her on to your back, leaving the pack behind. You'll come for it later.


"Sorry, what's the problem?"

"Possible salt overdose. Had a little too much and now she's feeling bad."

You gesture towards the pony sitting on the waiting room chair and Nurse Redheart nods, taking note.

"How does that even happen? There shouldn't be salt around here for miles."


Nurse Redheart waves her hoof dismissively. "No, ponies can't sweat nearly enough to produce salt for an overdose. Most of it gets caught in our coats anyways."

"Well, yeah. But not for a human."

Redheart peers over the desk at up at you, noticing your unamused expression.

"... are you implying that Pinkie...?"

"I'm not implying anything. I'm telling."

Redheart exhales and adopts a look of surprise. "Well, that Pinkie Pie sure is a strange one."

"It's more the salt than anything, I reckon. Everyone abandons who they usually are under the influence of drugs. Even if the drugs happen to be excreted from the skin."

You look up to notice Redheart staring at you weird. You wave a hand to get her attention.

"Something off?"

She snaps back into reality. "Hm? Oh. No. No, I was just, uh... I was hooked on salt, too, for a while. Almost everypony was at one point. I was just having flashbacks." She returns to her notes. "Are you still sweating salt? Like, right now?"

"All day, every day. Celestia's summer sun is killing me, like it always does."

She nods and tries to avoid looking at you. She takes a note, fiddles with a few other things on her desk. After a few moments it's obvious she's trying to distract herself with something, anything, to take her mind off of the obvious. You take a few steps back to leave her alone, bumping into something behind you. You turn to see Octavia, leaving the hospital with one of her hind hooves in a cast. You exchange pleasantries.

"Hello, Ms. Philharmonica. Are you doing alright?"

"Just fine, sir. My back hoof is a bit injured, but the doctors say it won't be for too long. And why are you here?"

You point out Pinkie Pie and tell her about the salt. She nods.
"Salt is a dangerous thing. One wonders how Ms. Pinkie could get a hold of it in a place like this."

"Well, she licked it off of me. I sweat it."

You wait for a response of some kind, still staring at Pinkie. Hearing nothing, you turn to see what's keeping Octavia. She's staring at your uncovered arm, eyes focused on the little beads of sweat that are forming there. You turn to seek help, finding the only ponies in the room to be Octavia, Pinkie Pie, and Redheart.

Octavia grabs your arm and starts licking, balancing on her one good leg as you try and pull away from her. Pinkie Pie is on your other side in an instant, keeping your other arm occupied and unable to pry Octavia off.
You turn to ask help from Nurse Redheart.
But she's already right next to you.

Redheart jumps on your back, licking at your neck and shoulder line, trying to get as much of the precious salt as possible. The unexpected weight causes you to fall over, leading to the three ponies pinning you down and licking away. As they run out of places to lick, you start to lose your clothes, garment by garment. As your pants are the next thing to go, you sigh to yourself in defeat.

Today was a salty kind of day.

Comments ( 86 )

I can't help but think of those toads that secrete hallucinogens...

We need more of this, please... :fluttershysad:

THIS IS SILLY :pinkiecrazy:

Hmm... well, I suppose a sweaty human really IS a giant salt lick. Wondered about salt licks in Equestria before, but never drew connection. Implications *exaggerated inhalation* kinky. Must study further. For... ... science.

Crap. Now I have a new headcannon. Damn you Lunaguy, Now I will forever think of the possibility of becoming a living salt-lick. I'm not sure what to think of this.

Ha! Okay that was kinda funny. I chortled. +1

make more sequels with lulu and celly and other characters!:flutterrage:....i mean...only if you want to :fluttershysad:

Moar salt licker stories.:rainbowwild:

Can somebody explain why so many people think that salt makes pony crazy?

Humans are already massaugers in many storys, now salt licks? Damn sun.

Humans are already massaugers in many storys, now salt licks? Damn sun.

Anon dear, ponies in clothes aren't silly. Ponies in clothes are sexy! :duck:

As amusing as the story is...

I went and checked what effect salt has on equines...and not only do they need it to survive same as humans, but the intake - excessive or otherwise - has no real effect on them as described here. Excessive salt intake can cause a loss of appetite and loose stool, but it wouldn't have a mental effect. The reason horses go to the salt lick is because they like the taste, same as humans.

...I wonder where the idea that salt was an Equestrian drug came from, anyway?

It was from the Appleoosa episode.

Although it looked more along the lines of making ponies drunk rather than high, remember when you see that one guy get kicked out of the saloon and he has salt on his muzzle?

"Ehh, could I get a glass of water?"

I probably found this story just a tad too hilarious...

Episode 25 season 1 "Over a Barrel". A pony is thrown out of an establishment called the Salt Block, acting rather drunk.
Just a gag spiralling out of control

Damn, beaten by two seconds...

Alright let's do this comment section lightning round GO

Possibly but probably not.
WHY ARE WE YELLING? :pinkiegasp:
Yeah ok Dr. Mordin Solus
No one (human) is safe.
Maybe but again, probably not.
See above.
Aside from what has already been stated, it's a common (and funny) misconception that horses are addicted to salt, much like a drug, because of the way they seem to be irresistibly drawn to salt licks. Salt is actually perfectly healthy AND necessary in the di-
Yeah what this guy says.

I know that salt doesn't actually have this affect on horses, but it wouldn't be entertaining if it didn't, now would it?

And uh, while I'm already here, thanks to Anonymous for the idea for this story. You rock. It was fun to write. :twilightsmile:


But... it's so salty! I mean, er, it's good! Wait. No. Salt is bad. Bad! But this. This is good! I could just lick it up! -uh... read, yeah! Read it all day! :rainbowwild:

I think you may have a problem. :ajbemused:
But that's okay; I'm not here to judge you, just to help you. :fluttershyouch:


Then why would it be addictive?

Realized halfway through how it sounded and figured I'd go all the way with it. Admit it, though: you'd now like to see a "Mordin in Equestria" fic.

And/or a "Wrex in Equestria".

plz make more chapters:fluttercry:

Alcoholic ponies.

...except with salt instead of alcohol.

Permayhaps it is magical salt?

I demand a trilogy! :pinkiehappy:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I LOVE IT :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

Sir, you got another follower. You salted my day.

In some legends, salt has some kind of anti-magical properties. In a world of magical ponies, who knows what effect it might have?

Equestria is a strange place. Remember, the two Griffons we've seen (compound creatures of predators) have solely eaten vegetarian fare. Now, pretty much every story is existence interprets that as merely polite behaviour, but it might just also be that Equestrian Griffons are actually herbivores.

And ponies get high on salt.

You could say he was A SALT ED.

Really, I'm surprised that pun's not in this fic.

Need more chapturrrrrrresssss.......body cant survive.,,.no salt,,,,,help.....salt ...need.....

fuck alright hold on

2564581 you got featured that is as good a reason that you could get.

Hurray we win this time :pinkiehappy:

I have been used as a living salt lick before (luckily only my hands)

Normally I don't like "Human in Equestria" stories and find second person in one weird and hard to get into. But I actually like this one. It wasn't gut-bustlingly hilarious, but very amusing. It was short enough to avoid dragging on and the second chapter ends at a good place, that really feels like an end and doesn't make it necessary to give it a higher rating.

Also, salt being a drug in Equestria is now my head-canon.

well, that was punny

You sure brightened up my day, dear sir. :pinkiehappy:
I smiled the entire time while reading this and it made me even forget about the EqG-trailer... for a few minutes...:ajsleepy:

This was pretty funny. As a fan of Anon stories, this is one of the best I've read in a while.

Hey author.

You need to get rid of the >carrots in the first part and replace the p0ny with a regular pony. This ain't /mlp.

Otherwise, it's pretty dang silly if only sorta decently written. Not the first time I've seen this type of thing mentioned but definitely the first time it's been salt instead of weirdo fucking hormones or ponies liking stinky humans.

Thanks for catching those, which are now both fixed. Transferring from greentext to prose can be a pain in the ass, and I try and catch everything, but I'm not a good proofreader to begin with. :raritydespair:

Solid fucking gold, man.

How marvelously queer.

wow pretty good but one thing It NEEDS MORE CHAPTERS!! but hey its up to you dude!

No Anon, you are DOOMRIDER.


Imagine when you tell them that you need salt to live. That it's a necessary mineral for fluid balance and transmission of neurological signals.

Goddamn humor gold, 24 carat. I dunno how you came up with this, but you seriously need to give us MOAR!

...Now I have this mental image of Celestia and Luna trying, trying so hard, to resist the salt and then, humorously, failing at it.

It would be epic.

If anything will be the downfall of the human race it will be when the other races find out about our delightfully salty flavour

Wow, probably best to finish the story where it ends now! With the last few lines, I couldn't help but think that this was going to turn into a clopfic XD

This is frickin' amazing!


Dude... Human sweat could be like... Liquid Meth for Ponies... Third installment Now!!

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